Inter caste marriages

[RVR]

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Sri C Ravi

My point is - first let be clear - I am not for or against intercaste marriages. Since there is a shortage of Tamil Brahmin girls in the market.

No miracle is possible at this point of time to create as many girls required within our community and age group.

The other non-feasible solution which I don't mind repeating - Draupadhi-Pandavas type arrangement - is not going to work in the present time.

I don't want to suggest our youngsters to take up `Mass Sanyas'

First suggestion I made was - why we cannot consider brahmin girls speaking other languages. Non-Tamil Brahmin girls.

I earnestly feel that we have to consider it on an urgent basis.

If we all agree, we can invite Kannadiga/Konkani/Tulu Brahmin girls in our proposed Swayamvaram at Bangalore to start with.

Conducting swayamvaram involving all castes is not possible immediately- Again it is my personal view.

I want clear cut answers from our fellow members.

All the best

 

[esantec]

I hope Both Love marriage and arranged marriage are to treated equally.
Since everything lies on the couples.

Correct me if i am wrong.
Every thing lies on the quality of our thoughts.

Thanks,
Esan

 

[kunjuppu]

venkat,

let us hope that the other brahmin groups do not have the same issue as us ie shortage of girls.

ravi,

i do not know if it is possible to even suggest the rules/regulations for a whole section of the community as you suggest. i do not think that is even fair.

is there not an assumption here, that by segregating the vaideeha brahmins, that their progeny will continue to follow vaideeham, for the betterment of the community?

my cousin is married to an oncologist, whose father was a vaideeha. don't these folks have the choice of careers and upward mobility like the rest of us?

moreover, it is not practical and unimplementable, i think, to suggest mass behaviours. we, above all, are individuals, which is the building block of the community, and society.

while there may be some broad based values, that all of us can subscribe, of late, what we have found, is that if one TB finds success in a certain field, the rest imitate that. nothing wrong with that, but that is the way life is. every one wants security through copying true and tried methods. n'est pas?

again, re unmarried boys, i think, that the changes have come too fast for some, to adjust. while the parents are still in the paradigms of mid 20th century, the reality of today, is the dearth of girls.

it is simple mathematics. this is what venkat, myself are trying to make people understand. சட்டியிலே இருந்தாதானே ஆப்பையிலே வரும்?

venkat has observed that for every 1 girl, there were 4 boys, in the swayamvaram. so if the entire 'world' was this swayamvaram, and if every girl found a compatible match, still 3 out 4 will statistically remain unmarried, if they insist on only the girls attending the swayamvaram. understand?

i am human enough to understand that hope springs eternally in the human breast. boys, just wish that ONE girl for themselves, and really once this is achieved, they move merrily along.

unfortunately, the real life is not like that. add to it, is that terrible truth, that time is ticking away. those who thought mid 20s was too early for marriage, waited till late 20s, have seen 30s pass, and well into 40s, waiting for the girl.

what age do these guys expect the girl to be? a mid 30s guy, is not quite attractive to a early to mid 20s girl. so the attraction factor is also against them. also, with age, comes தொப்பை & வழுக்கை.

ravi, please understand, that there is no group or universal leader among the TBs. also, there are no elders here who are wise, for many of the old fogies appear to be set in their ways, and into lamenting the loss of prestige, respect or intercaste marriages, to be of any use to TB bachelors.

your future is in your own hands. not in your parents, for if they are going by the same rules as when they were young, they have to understand that rules have changed drastically now, and this calls for new modes of approach to the situation.

ravi, again, no one can suggest solutions for you. only yourself. it is your life, and you have to prioritize unit by unit as to what you want and wish. no point wishing the stars and the sun.

your wish list is something that can set you up for success. your wish list is such, that if you follow the certain method, then you can get what you want within the period of time you set for yourself. that is where realism and awareness of the current mating rules come into play.

hope this helps.

thank you.

 

[kunjuppu]

esan,

i think you are correct. if you don't mind, please read my note to ravi just below this.

i know from other posts, that you & swami are in conversation, and i wish you the best in your endeavours.

but any project, i think, should have a plan A, B, C all time boxed ie if plan A does not succeed within certain time, then go to the next and so on.

if you don't mind, sir, i would like you to share with us, what if, and i hope this does not happen, what if, you do not find a spouse through swami's predictions. again, i reiterate, life being what it is, and there being no certainties in life, what are your contingency plans, if you have any.

thank you.

 

[kunjuppu]

pann,

if i were a NB and i see some prickly TBs, what better way of teasing and getting under their skin, than telling them, that TB girls are targets of their boys.

i suspect, that every muslim boys wants to marry a hindu girl. you do not see too many hindu boys attracted to muslim girls do you?

same goes for christian boys too.

now, knowing the situation, what to do? we cannot dictate rules. ie we cannot tell other communities to stay away from our girls.

and we are finding, that we are unable to tell our girls to stay away from other community or religion boys.

are we going to have this seige mentality, and watch with dismay and anger, each time a TB girl opts to marry out of religion or caste.

i don't know if we have a broad based answer. i don't know if we can even come up with one, that is enforceable.

i have heard, that the best defence is offence. maybe, we should train our boys to attack other community religion girls, and convert them to our faith. right now, even these boys are getting converted.

i simply don't know. but no use fretting over it, getting tense. tension kills.

thank you.

 

[pannvalan]

Please read the file attached

 

[RVR]

Shri Pannvalan,

I accept all your views. But shortage of girls is very much there. Probably sex determination of child during pregnancy was banned only in 1994. Before that there was no law in India which prevented determination of the gender of the child during pregnancy.

It is the general feeling that our community has done grave mistake during late seventies and throughout eighties. Brahma would not have made mistake of his calculations and our community would have acted `over smart'

But what correction is possible now? There is no way we can correct historical damage.

All the best

 

[kunjuppu]

thank you pann.

it is very detailed. i know folks like you are very perturbed over intercaste marriage. i am not sure how much of this feeling is prevalent inthe community as a whole.

especially the young, in whose, power the actual execution of this process lies. last 3 weddings in chennai, all were love marriages, but the girls all along wanted and chose TB boys (i questioned them about it and they would only go for TB boys).

ofcourse, all 3 boys are in usa and doing very well. maybe that helped.

i have taken the liberty to print your document fully, with my comments in italics. i am not without sympathy. please understand that. the issue may be, how to enforce such regulations as you suggest. the acceptance rate, i am not sure. that may be the crux of the issue.

for good or bad, we do not have any religious leader of stature, to understand the current issue, and come up with practical workable solutions. or even to suggest solutions.

as a result, it is 'each for his or her own' approach to solutions. the ones, i think, who are left behind, are those, who are not the cream of the crop. i feel sorry for these boys, for they are desperate, with no skillsets to woo any girl, and the time clock keeps ticking.

well, here goes.....

SOME PRACTICAL SOLUTIONS SUGGESTED​

Dear RVR and Kunjuppu,

First, I do not accept the ratio of boys and girls in the marriage market as 1:4, as mentioned by RVR. At the worst case, it may be 3:4.

- we are agreed that there are more boys than girls. The numbers may belie the compatibility factor. For example if we have 100 boys and 100 girls, it does not mean they will match. I think, our total pool of numbers is also not enough for ‘playing’ around.

Second, as Nara has pointed out, it is not the 'thimir' of brahmin girls that is sought to be over powered or decimated. Here, it was used to describe the entire brahmin community, as one group.

- no comment

Third, we need not fight with Christians or Muslims or SC/STs who are very eager to marry a brahmin girl. But, since the girl is from our community, we may take certain precautions, so that they are not enticed by the extraneous issues or aspects.

- we are talking humans here. ‘our’ girls are not our ‘property’; they have a mind of their own, based on their own experiences and expectations.

NOW, I SUGGEST THE FOLLOWING SOLUTIONS TO OVERCOME THE 'PERCEIVED SHORTAGE' OF BRAHMIN GIRLS, IN THE MARRIAGE MARKET. WILL ANYBODY TAKE THEM IN THE RIGHT SPIRIT AND IMPLEMENT THEM IN THE REAL LIFE SITUATIONS?

I think this will work in an idealized world. Unfortunately we live in a flawed world with warts and all. My comments below each

1. We shall stop looking for a groom who is at least one layer up, in terms of educational qualification, rank/grade of occupation/designation, income etc., as compared to the girl concerned. For this, the girls should agree. so that there arises no ego conflict. And the boys also must agree, so that they do not suffer from inferiority complex and suspect their wife, after marriage, without valid reasons.

- rule driven approach. Can be suggested. Tough for humans to adhere. Just look at how many folks still believe in astrology match to decide to marry. This is the type of community you are dealing with.

2. Remove the sub-sect barrier. Even Iyer and Iyengar mix is to be encouraged. (Even if Iyers agree to this, Iyengars may oppose this suggestion). No one group/sect is superior and no one group/sect is inferior.
- could evolve atleast to a trickle from nothing these days.

3. Do not look for only boys employed abroad. The craze for USA settled boys must end. (I remember one girl saying, "Appa, indha varan vendaampa. Andha paiyan rendu varusham kazhichchu, ingeye thirumbi vara pornampa". Is the marriage between the girl and her USA dreams, I wondered).
- people have dreams.

4. Do not attach too importance to outward looks. (Here also, I am reminded of one girl saying, "Appa, I want only a boy who is at least 5 feet 6 inches tall". That girl was only 5' 3").
- I agree ‘not to judge a book by the cover’. Again with marriage you are dealing with people’s lives. Personal likings are hard to define



5. Do not place too much of reliance on horoscopes. I personally know many varans could not be taken up for further processing, for want of high degree of compatibility between the horoscopes. Because of this, many good cases, well known cases, have slipped out of our hands.
- just look at the popularity of the swayamvarams.

6. Do not think any person can be purchased with money, power and position/ authority. Remember, it is a proposal for marriage of a boy and a girl. They have live peacefully and happily for more than 4 or 5 decades. Therefore, the thought of money, power and authority shall not come in the minds of people from both the sides. If it comes, it will spell sure disaster.
- 100% agree. No need to pomp and keep up with the jones’. Community attitude is different.

7. Do not cite the horoscopes as the cause for rejecting some 'unwanted' alliances. It is a great sin, if shelter is taken under the assumed incompatibility of horoscopes, so as to reject some unwanted cases. Nowadays, you can straightaway tell people from the other side, politely, gently and concisely that another alliance has already been made.
- already commented

8. Accept alliances from the Tamil Brahmin families living in the other parts of the country. When people do not hesitate or even aspire for alliances from the USA living boys (he must be a green card holder!), why shall we have any fear, misconception or inhibition about same Tamil Brahmin community living elsewhere in the country – outside Tamilnadu?
-did not know this was a problem these days. Very surprising.

9. Do not belittle certain occupations or fields – for instance, cooking, cinema/media, photography, painting, music, free lance writing etc. We must erase the negative thoughts or ideas about these vocations/professions. I would even suggest even self-employed people like mechanics, auto-owner cum drivers, tailors, under-qualified accountants, small businessmen like vegetable vendors, restaurant owners et al must be accepted. If every girl has to marry only high profile males, then definitely, males in these professions must remain bachelors for ever.
-i agree 100%

10. Encourage love within the community, provided all other things are satisfactory – not necessarily ideal.But, the character and conduct of the boy are very important and do not make any compromises in them.
- what is ideal for one, maybe a compromise for another.

 

[appaiah]

I do not agree with the view that there is shortage of girls, vis a vis boys among the Tamil Brahmins. In our family we have conducted the marriage of two girls this year after searching for over three years and are in the search for one groom for another girl in the past one and half years. My personal experience therefore is that there is no such rush from the bridegrooms searching for girls. The groom side behave almost the same way, but they are a lot more friendly, accommodating and there is no demand for dowry these days.

From the time that I have known of (say thirty years), I have noticed that be it boy or girl, the searching process takes about two years normally. The reason is that we have a long list of requirements.

- Has to be a Tamil brahmin (the resistance for Kerala Tamil Iyers have come down)
- same sub-caste (now this is relaxed)
- not of the same gothram (there is a demand for relaxation, but not fully relaxed)
- Horoscope matching
- Status matching
- Education preferences and matching
- Employment/ career preferences and matching
- Location Preferences and matching
- Boy's Earnings have to be more than that of the girl
- conditions on the girl being employed or not post-marriage
- Height matching
- Looks appealing to one another

Somewhere either the boy or the girl has to make some adjustments. Those who are unwilling to adjust on any aspect as are listed above seem to be saying that there are less girls than boys and vice versa!

Always the grapes that are not available to me are sour.

 

[appaiah]

I do not think that there is such a vast variation between the number of girls and the number of boys.

I do not think that sex determination would have been the cause even if there is some small difference. Our community is not like the ones in Dharmapuri or Theni or Sivagangai or Virudhunagar or Ramanathapuram to abort a child on the basis of sex.

One thing is possible. In the past twnety years, our people have stopped with one child. If a majority have had a male child and then stopped with one, then there is a possibility of a mismatch. But this would have been offset by such of them having the first as girl child and going for the second and that second also happening to be a girl child. I have my relatives who have had two girl children, some of them even three and one has four! As such we can never say that there is more boys to girls in our community as of now.

Anyway, we must educate our present generation (that which is in the producing age group) NOT TO STOP WITH ONE CHILD AND BEAR AT LEAST TWO CHILDREN.

This is a must. Because we will be extinguished over a period of time if we follow one child policy. We are two and we must leave two good citizens before we leave. This must be the policy. All those couples who produce only one child are in a way cause the negative growth and the resultant problems will hit the community very heavily in the next century.

Our generations must realise that we as a community are capable of producing good citizens and therefore we must not fail in this duty to the Society. On the other hand, such of those who cannot produce good citizens by way of education and ethical practices) are producing more than four and we know what will happen to this society.

Some one might ask me "Did you do your duty?" I say "Yes, perfectly. I have not caused any mismatch either. One boy and one girl! Societal Balance maintained."

 

[Nara]

[...]
One thing is possible. In the past twnety years, our people have stopped with one child. If a majority have had a male child and then stopped with one, then there is a possibility of a mismatch.

If indeed there are more eligible boys than girls, this cannot be the reason. Given that a baby being a boy or a girl is equally likely, and the fact that the sex of the next baby is independent of the sex of the first baby, the ratio between boys and girls will be equal irrespective of stopping further pregnancy for whatever reason, including stopping right after a boy but proceeding to further pregnancies if not.

The only way the ratio can get skewed is by resorting to selective termination of pregnancy, or postpartum murder based on the gender of the baby.

This can be easily proven with a little bit of probability analysis.

Anyway, we must educate our present generation (that which is in the producing age group) NOT TO STOP WITH ONE CHILD AND BEAR AT LEAST TWO CHILDREN.

This is one of the most irresponsible advice we can give to our youngsters. This is the same as saying let the rest of the humanity be damned, just as long as we have a growing Brahmin (by birth is once again emphasized by this advice) population.

All those couples who produce only one child are in a way cause the negative growth and the resultant problems will hit the community very heavily in the next century.

What would those problems be if the community (I suppose this means Brahmin community) shrinks in size?

Our generations must realise that we as a community are capable of producing good citizens and therefore we must not fail in this duty to the Society.

This kind of hubris is the reason why there still is "Brahmin bashing", the wise people of this forum routinely whine about. Is it any wonder some NB boys and men retort with a desire to marry B girls in order to put down the arrogance of Brahmins?

thanks

 

[C RAVI]

Sri Kunjuppi ji,

Please find my reply in blue.

venkat,

ravi, please understand, that there is no group or universal leader among the TBs. also, there are no elders here who are wise, for many of the old fogies appear to be set in their ways, and into lamenting the loss of prestige, respect or intercaste marriages, to be of any use to TB bachelors.

your future is in your own hands. not in your parents, for if they are going by the same rules as when they were young, they have to understand that rules have changed drastically now, and this calls for new modes of approach to the situation.

ravi, again, no one can suggest solutions for you. only yourself. it is your life, and you have to prioritize unit by unit as to what you want and wish. no point wishing the stars and the sun.

your wish list is something that can set you up for success. your wish list is such, that if you follow the certain method, then you can get what you want within the period of time you set for yourself. that is where realism and awareness of the current mating rules come into play.

hope this helps.

Sri Kunjuppu ji,

Well said....

But I think you got me wrong...

Let me tell you very clearly as what I used to tell in my previous posts from the beginning.

I am a very determined man and I have the confidence to live my life the way I want without hurting my parents, relatives and the society. Moreover I would be happy as long as I am not cheating myself, my wife and my children.

I can not mistake you. Because I myself could feel that in most of the cases people post their views considering their personal life.

My post no. 80 was in general for the society as a whole. It was just a suggestion so that the social organizations can do something better for Hindus as a whole. Moreover some of the boys and girls how are hiding themselves because of their parents can come out with confidence to choose their partner in such a Swamwaram which focuses just on religion - HINDU and not on cast for marriage relationship.

This would be an open announcement for today’s eligible bachelors and spinsters to come out with their own decisions and get into marriage with any cast individual asserting themselves as recognized couple in Hindu society.

And we can stop bothering about cast problems in Hinduism (out dated scriptures would not stand good any more), issues regarding inter-cast marriages, clarifying doubts on Vedic rituals etc..etc. which all I feel would not serve any purpose. We can productively discuss on Indian Economy, Indian politics and take constructive steps to abolish corruptions, Militants insurgencies, encouraging youths to join Indian Defense, Help farmers and cottage industry people, and identify potential self business opportunities.

Again I want to re-iterate that these all are just my suggestions as an Indian and as a Hindu and not as Ravi who is trying to find a solution for his life.

thank you.

 

[appaiah]

Originally posted by Nara
This is one of the most irresponsible advice we can give to our youngsters.
.....
This kind of hubris ...
..... the vice people of this forum routinely whine about........

...... the arrogance of Brahmins?

Excellent language ..... A whole lot of people of this forum are "vice".

I think Nara tries to show an example as to what arrogance is.

Less said the better.

 

[C RAVI]

Sri C Ravi

My point is - first let be clear - I am not for or against intercaste marriages. Since there is a shortage of Tamil Brahmin girls in the market.

No miracle is possible at this point of time to create as many girls required within our community and age group.

The other non-feasible solution which I don't mind repeating - Draupadhi-Pandavas type arrangement - is not going to work in the present time.

I don't want to suggest our youngsters to take up `Mass Sanyas'

First suggestion I made was - why we cannot consider brahmin girls speaking other languages. Non-Tamil Brahmin girls.

I earnestly feel that we have to consider it on an urgent basis.

If we all agree, we can invite Kannadiga/Konkani/Tulu Brahmin girls in our proposed Swayamvaram at Bangalore to start with.

Conducting swayamvaram involving all castes is not possible immediately- Again it is my personal view.

I want clear cut answers from our fellow members.

All the best

Sri RVR ji,

Thank you very much for your practical and reasonable approach...

If you remember we shared the same opinion some time before while discussing on Bangalore Swayamwarams.

In fact, I love our Brahmin tradition and I strongly believe that though I am not practicing Vaideegam, I am still a Brahmin avoiding eating meat and enjoying the spiritual path to the best of my understanding and capacity.

I also agree that the present generation children of Vedic families need not to stick on to the same profession and should develop them self to attain other professions as per their wish and improve their standard of life.

My only point is, though we change our profession in this materialistic world, we need not to feel guilty and we need not to declare our self as non-brahmins. At the same time it dose not mean that we are superior and NB's are inferior It is only to focus that we should relish our culture, tradition and respect our forefathers.

Not only because of some of the discussions in this Forum but because of the realities of our society, I could feel that majority of non-vaideega Brahmins don't want to tag themselves as Brahmins and don't want to get fixated.

Thus, I suggested for us to go for Naweena Swayamwaram for the benefit of Hindus in general out of my social concern and not for my private motive.

Off course, I personally feel that if all the members/facilitators decide to conduct this Bangalore Naveena Swayamwarm for the sake of Brahmin community (If such a community considered to be existing because of Non-vaideegam profession), than all the Brahmins in general, irrespective of their mother tongue should be invited and encouraged to participate to look for alliances among each other.

 

[happyhindu]

Some inputs after reading posts here:

a) Its a good idea to marry brahmins of other states. While this may be welcomed enthusiastically probably by the vast majority, please also note that some individuals may not consider it. A telugu brahmin had this to say "tamil people are tamil people. we are telugu people". Am told that telugu brahmins have no shortage of girls - infact it seems that the number of girls are more there, so i think they will definitely accept TB proposals...

b) If a girl has dreams of getting a husband who looks nice, or wants a man with good earnings or is well-educated, etc it is her individual choice - she has every right to her expectations. Please do not try to be dictatorial and force her to change her expectations, just to toe the line of men.

Why are all the suggestions given only to girls, why is anyone not giving suggestions to boys on how they can change?

c) Reg the number of children, it is but natural for a couple to have their choice. Generally, low income families have more kids and high income families have less kids. A couple cannot have kids only to increase population. What abt the quality of their own lives. Women prefer to be employed rather than only produce and rear kids...i don't think anyone in their right mind will prefer to have more than 2 kids these days....in this issue also, it is like asking the women to compromise, because finally the onus of raising the kids falls mainly on the women...the men will come home in the evening, spend one or two hours with the family and more or less his responsibilites are finished as long as he brings the dough home....only if men had a womb.

regards.

 

[SuryaKasyapa]

Some inputs after reading posts here:

. Women prefer to be employed rather than only produce and rear kids...i don't think anyone in their right mind will prefer to have more than 2 kids these days....in this issue also, it is like asking the women to compromise, because finally the onus of raising the kids falls mainly on the women...the men will come home in the evening, spend one or two hours with the family and more or less his responsibilites are finished as long as he brings the dough home....only if men had a womb.

regards.

If anybody can bestow this ability-- to conceive and deliver children --to me , a male, I am ready to be happily rear a dozen children. I find it more difficut to go to office,sit at home for few hours, etc etc as quoted in the post--hence this request..I will be too glad.....

Any votes in my favour..?


Cheers.

 

[kunjuppu]

happy,

i think the time is not far off, when all is needed is the sperm and the egg to be extracted, delivered to a lab, and 9 months later, the baby is collected

i read in the time magazine i think, that the rich in new york, have larger families. when interviewed, the reason given was, that they had the money to raise, educate and also hire nannies to help take care of the family

ravi, i am all for your idea of opening up the swayamvaram to hindus across caste lines. i have this gut feeling that there will not be many takers, particularly from our own TB community.

but then surprisingly there may!! boys, who have spent their entire 20s and 30s waiting for a bride, and on sight of a pleasant hindu girl, would not mind going a step further to verify compatibility.

i know personally mudaliars and pillais, whose lifestyle and values are very similar to ours. i think, the first compatibility has to be food ie veg or non veg. if both veg, then the various dishes can be taught.

i cook good கார கொழம்பு and the wife cooks good pulav, amti which are both not TB dishes. we evolve, and can selectively chose the best of both the worlds. it is all in the mind.

best wishes.

 

[kunjuppu]

ravi,

just for experimental purposes, maybe one of the folks here, ie bachelor, can put all his qualifications and requirements into tamilmatrimony, except that caste is not a barrier to the selection of the spouse.

would be interesting to find what types of responses come out from other groups.

 

[pannvalan]

Appaiah's comments match with many of my points.

Food habits/preferences are just one of the hundred factors.

I know brahmins based in New Delhi or Mumbai are very particular about selecting a match for their son/daughter, only from brahmin families settled in that city or its suburb, permanently. Language barrier apart, certain north Indian behaviours are not liked here and similarly, they cannot put up with the 'conservative' people of the south.

I still hold the view that the scarcity for girls in the marriage market is not as alarming as RVR says. Both the boys and their families and the girls and the families have a long list of demands or expectations which plays the villain role. Budging or ceding some ground is not acceptable to both the sides.

As far as I know, termination of one's pregnancy after knowing the sex of the child in the womb is very, very low in brahmin families. It is widespread and rampant only among NBs especially the illiterates and poor, living in rural areas. Therefore, definitely this cannot be cited as a cause.

 

[happyhindu]

Suryakashyapa ji,

Wonder why all men say the same thing - maybe the grass looks green on the other side

Kunjuppu ji,

yes...i notice that well-off chinese families also prefer to have many kids...i overlooked that...in haste as usual..

i shd have said that middle-class families like to have less kids.

Pannvalan ji,

am just wondering why you have given so many suggestions to women -- and not a single one directed to men.

whenever a female is told to 'adjust' it automatically means she must compromise...this whole meaning of 'adjust' has lost its meaning....

why cannot men also 'adjust'...they too can get a bride if they lower their expectations...

if a female wants a husband who lives in USA or a well educated man, surely there is nothing wrong with that...if your daughter wanted such a match, and is able to get one, not sure if you wud instead get her married to a man in a simple job..

it will be nice for a change if men also change their outlook a bit...otherwise women will continue to rebel, in their own ways...

 

[C RAVI]

ravi,

just for experimental purposes, maybe one of the folks here, ie bachelor, can put all his qualifications and requirements into tamilmatrimony, except that caste is not a barrier to the selection of the spouse.

would be interesting to find what types of responses come out from other groups.

Sri Kunjuppu ji,

I have registered my brother's profile and mine on bharathmatrimony.com/tamilmatrimony.com.

We have indicated our cast as Brahmins and the cast preference of the spouse as - Iyer, Iyengar, Gurukkal.

Much to our surprise we could get "express interest" from the girls from Non-Brahmin communities/Christians and Muslims

For your curiosity, I would like to share a personal incident (regaiding an alliance for my brother). It's true and not fabricated.

Last month, we receive a personalized message from a gentleman, working and living in Dubai, expressing interest on my brother's profile for his sister who is also working and living in Dubai with her brother and mother. This family is a non-Brahmin family and are non-vegetarians.

Just to know something out of curiosity, I call his brother (on behalf of my brother) and introduced myself and our family and asked him did he initiated contact knowingly that we are Brahmins and we prefer Brahmin girl only (I thought he must have done this by mistake, or by way of bulk emailing)

Much to my surprise, he said that - "We know that you are Brahmin. But just want to make an attempt for my 30 years old sister. We don't have any problem in marrying a Brahmin boy. The final Ok should come from you guys for marriage to happen". I positively hoped that you would accept, as Brahmin girls have lots of preferences and terms & conditions, may require lots of interviews and chats for 2 to 3 months at least to finally say NO. Sir, we know this and that's the reason that you guys are getting delayed. So we had a hope of getting a positive reply from you."

I told him that we would get back to him after some time, thinking over it.

Though we are not interested, we just put a word to our parents just to tease them. As we expected, my MOM was found to be shocked and asked us - " Yen da, Non-Brahmin ponnai kattikka mudivu pannitiya?". By her tone we could know her strong disapproval. And than she said - Josiyargal sollirkaanga da..Adutha varusham April kulla nalla Brahmana ponnu varan kidaikkum, kalyaanamum aayidum".

layball:

 

[Nara]

Excellent language ..... A whole lot of people of this forum are "vice".

Sorry, I meant "wise" but in my hurry typed "vice". My mistake.

The phrase must have been, "the wise people of this forum routinely whine about........" Vice people does not make any sense.

I request you to overlook this slip on my part and give your response to my comments.

Cheers!

 

[kunjuppu]

Sorry, I meant "wise" but in my hurry typed "vice". My mistake.

The phrase must have been, "the wise people of this forum routinely whine about........" Vice people does not make any sense.

I request you to overlook this slip on my part and give your response to my comments.

Cheers!

nara,

the proverbial freudian slip. that is your excuse.

i gave you the credit for the 'vice', and was wondering how many reactions you would get.

i think 'vice' fits.

but like me, you are backing out on your principles. welcome to the club my frind

thank you.

 

[Nara]

but like me, you are backing out on your principles. welcome to the club my frind

I love to be in your company, and 'vice' may fit also, but I really did not mean that, promise. The sentence does not make proper sense with 'vice' no?

As far as club is concerned, do you really want to be in a club that would have me as a member -- Groucho Marx

 

[appaiah]

Sri Pannvalan says:

I still hold the view that the scarcity for girls in the marriage market is not as alarming as RVR says.

I also do not agree with the view that there is a mismatch between the number of girls and the number of boys among our community. If in one Suyamvaram or with one data agency, there is a mismatch it does not mean that there is a mismatch as a whole. It is very much possible that the girls do not register at all but collect data from the data bank and choose.

I know at least half a dozen families with girls, who do not register in any matrimony but visit the places like Mahalingapuram Pillayar Koil, Sringeri matham, SS Matrimony or browse at sites like Tamilmatrimony and look for a suitable match and contact them. But they do not wish to put up their data over there. It is obvious that some of these girls or their families do not want to be seen in public, and it is either out of protectionism or insecurity due to other reasons, whatever.

Dear Happyhinduji

am just wondering why you have given so many suggestions to women -- and not a single one directed to men.

whenever a female is told to 'adjust' it automatically means she must compromise...this whole meaning of 'adjust' has lost its meaning....

why cannot men also 'adjust'...they too can get a bride if they lower their expectations...

Rather than men dreaming for a womb or the society resorting to test tube babies, we can always learn to live with what we have. All that is needed is "adjustment" by the men folk in sharing the work in rearing the children. As long as the elders were respected, and treated honourably, they remained in the house and took a good lot of work in bringing up children. This support is absent sometimes if the elders die early. However, if only our generations learn to respect their services and take them along, the difficulties in rearing children will not certainly be there. After all, the past, the families had larger number of children. Most of us have been brought up in the young days by the grand mother/ father than the mother. It is only because of this, even the stories are linked to the granny. After dumping whatever that is good, we are trying to put the blame on non-existant causes.