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Age difference for best married life

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tks

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There is a study released recently that people who marry within the same age have the most successful marriage statistically (read as without divorce) in USA.

I know the Indian conditions are somewhat different and TB household may be even more different in the views of many.

However, based on my limited observation with some relatives and friends, it is my conclusion that many more TBs from upper middle class families are trying to ape the west in a frenzied hurry in the last couple of decades or so.

Many parents are totally unaware that their dear children are 'living together' with others, especially in cities. Many have their own dubious value systems and the children do not share their transgressions openly.

Most TB children in India (in their 20s and even early 30s) cannot even speak Tamil properly. I am reminded of the saying

அற்பனுக்கு மவுசு வந்தால் அர்த்த இராத்திரியில் குடை பிடிப்பானாம் when I think about how many bad habits many have picked up from the west instead of the good habits.

With this adoption of western culture the number of divorces in India seem to be on the rise..

TB families and Indian families are not doing that great in the west either. They are not trying to ape but they still go after whites to marry by and large. That may not happen but the effort is there. This has to do with fascination with white skin

Given all these the study that I will share in the next post may have some relevance...
 
For a Lasting Marriage, Try Marrying Someone Your Own Age

Even a five-year age difference makes a couple 18 percent more likely to get divorced, compared to a couple born on or around the same year.

Source:

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/...someone-your-own-age/382520/?utm_source=atlfb

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lead_large.png



There are many predictors of the success of a marriage, among them the having of money, the having of children, and the length of time a couple spends dating before they tie the knot. Another big predictor, though, is age: The closer a couple is when it comes to their respective birth years, the greater their chances of avoiding divorce.


That's according to a study that compiled polling data from more than 3,000 recently married and divorced Americans. The study—the overall findings of which my colleague Olga Khazan highlighted last month—used a multivariate model to calculate the factors that seemed to best predict the marriage's chances of success. (Or, at any rate, its chances of not ending in divorce.) Its results were visualized by the data scientist Randy Olson, who created a series of charts to illustrate the study's findings.

Today, Olson released another set of visuals—the most intriguing of which focuses on the matter of the age gap. A one-year discrepancy in a couple's ages, the study found, makes them 3 percent more likely to divorce (when compared to their same-aged counterparts); a 5-year difference, however, makes them 18 percent more likely to split up. And a 10-year difference makes them 39 percent more likely.


Once you enter large-gap territory—the 20-year difference, the 30-year difference—the odds of divorce are ... almost never in your favor.


If your partner happens to be 15 years older or younger than you are, that's not automatically a bad omen: Statistics, of course, are not destiny. But, as predictors, the study's findings stand to reason. Marriage is, above all, about 50-50 partnership; differences in ages also mean differences in life experience and cultural reference points. Generations may be an invention, but they are meaningful nonetheless. So, with all the necessary caveats about love's vagaries and mysteries, if you want a marriage that lasts, you should probably try to marry someone your own age. Due apologies to Aaliyah.
 
I am 5 years younger than husband.

I like being younger..one can feel "pampered"!LOL
 
Same age? :nono:

Actually, females in 30s look like males in 40s! So, if the wife wants to look younger than her spouse,

the best difference is between 5 and 8. :)
 
Many females look for their father in mate[Electra complex?]

So with age difference of seven or so with a balding or greying male is the best guarantee for successful marriage.

Late twenties for females and mid thirty for boy[overgrown]

Most TBs think so
 
Respect for age is something that in my opinion is important for a lasting marriage. An age difference of at least 5 years brings in that respect for age and reduces the ego factor. From the point of view of husband he sees himself as a protector than as a competitor for importance.

The reason that same age marriages seem to succeed is due to the psychology of present times. People want to be around with their peers even in a marriage relationship. But it would be only a relative success and there are a lot of problems especially the ego problem because of the very same psychology of the present times.
 
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The world is changing all the time which is its nature.
Today in many parts of the world two incomes seem to be required to maintain the lifestyle people desire looking at lifestyles of others (including those rich and famous). Raising two or three children has gotten complicated since basic needs such as education seem to cost so much.

Marrying age for boys and girls have gone up significantly in the past few decades. Modern lifestyles has created enormous stress worldwide.

If one views the news story in post #2 with frozen thoughts of yesteryear it may not make sense. If one tries to project into the future say 30+ years from now it may make more sense.

When girls married at the age of 16 or 17 the matching was with someone who is at least 5 years older because girls tend to mature lot sooner than boys. Those issues do not apply anymore.

So there may be some validity to the news story that marrying closer to one's age has a value even in Indian condition (when looks into the future)
 
Dear 'tis/ Krish/Mrs Raji, We, elders can feel proud that we have really old)the age differences in the age difference m over 5 Decdades.if in Relations age is not a real consideration.It prvailed during 50s and 60s. all the .reother than relatives was bet 6 & 9 depending on the practice followed almost all Brahmins considering lots of practical aspects, including the willingness of the Ywo. That was the Best time. We speriod Bet. 1965 to 1985
I am sure that elders must be belonging to this group, & they try to inculcate the educated Br. Youth mentioning about practical married, conjugal life in the long run of 2/3 decades, when Man & woman both would be ( bet 70 plus & 80 .
Life may pose insurmountable problems & no son/daughter ,at be nearer for much needef Solace.
I feel indebted to God/ my parents Not only that My 3 married children are also fallen on Line . We, old couple get full assistance We are really most Blessed
( Rishikesan) A.Srimivasan
 
Women are already 5 years ahead of men in their emotional maturity. Women are ready to have kids at 25 while men are still unwilling to shed their bachelorhood at 30.
 
Respect for age is something that in my opinion is important for a lasting marriage. An age difference of at least 5 years brings in that respect for age and reduces the ego factor. From the point of view of husband he sees himself as a protector than as a competitor for importance.

The reason that same age marriages seem to succeed is due to the psychology of present times. People want to be around with their peers even in a marriage relationship. But it would be only a relative success and there are a lot of problems especially the ego problem because of the very same psychology of the present times.

Respect is both ways...we need to respect all ages.

So if spouse is older or same age or even younger than us, mutual respect is important.

I have friends ranging from 9 years younger to 10 years older and I get along fine with all cos respect is very important in any friendship or relationship.

Yes..we females love to feel protected..an older male plays that role well.

Ego is more of a male problem...we females if we love a man we surrender to him but males are fragile..at anytime their ego can rear its head.

You see even you wrote about the ego factor here...a female wont write about ego factor in a marriage.
 
I think what works best is not think too much about ego or respect.

Boys in india sex starved,if they see a beautiful girl , they simply say yes to marriage

Girls more circumspect find out about job and earnings and say yes compromising on age difference and looks [they get balding or greying male around 30 years]
 
Beautiful girl? I have seen at least a dozen of boys in my circle of friends and relatives,

who say that they will say OK to ANY girl, who is willing to marry them! :peep::peep::nod:
 
Beautiful girl? I have seen at least a dozen of boys in my circle of friends and relatives,

who say that they will say OK to ANY girl, who is willing to marry them! :peep::peep::nod:
There are boys who have many to choose from.

Then there are others starved for company.

In addition to education, job , boys require social graces to attract girls.

Some cannot maturely transact with girls .

They require the help of families to get married.

These days for most girls it is a status symbol to have a boyfriend,by the time they cross school.

One cannot expect girls to go on thru education and initially job upto 24-25 years ignoring the physical needs and warmth of a relationship with a boyfriend.

Virginity is a concept evolved by a paternalistic order to keep girls on a leash .

Most try to break this man made code to experience freedom to desire and love whom they want.

Sticking to an disappearing order is only cheating oneself.

We are in a far open society.

Our girls are winning this freedom to choose and experiment in india.
 
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The percentage of the girls of your description is NOT yet alarming.

The western influence is not that much in tambrahm girls. :nono:
 
Rajiramji

You can choose to believe differently and say TBs are exceptions.

Denial is a form of escapism.

Dig deeper.

Look at thousands of TB girls seeking to escape tamilnadu for bangalore, pune, foreign countries and stay single and taste the joys of a liberated society with freedom

to work and make new relationships .

These would not like to get into the traditional marriage market to hunt for grooms and wait for parents to choose whom they desire to have as son in law.

It is an insult to their self respect that others should help decide who is best suited for them.
 
Rajiramji

You can choose to believe differently and say TBs are exceptions.

Denial is a form of escapism.

Dig deeper.

Look at thousands of TB girls seeking to escape tamilnadu for bangalore, pune, foreign countries and stay single and taste the joys of a liberated society with freedom

to work and make new relationships .

These would not like to get into the traditional marriage market to hunt for grooms and wait for parents to choose whom they desire to have as son in law.

It is an insult to their self respect that others should help decide who is best suited for them.

krishji,

Your thousands of TB girls go to work in Bangaluru, Pune and foreign countries because they get jobs of their choice and liking in those cities. It is not as if they are waiting for a chance to escape from a stressful society to enjoy freedom in a liberated society. You have assumed too many things. They are all wrong assumptions.

Self respect is a nice word. Self respect is respect for self. Here self means body and soul. When the girl or boy respects her/his soul he/she carefully preserves himself/herself. The values which he/she has picked up from childhood are preserved, the culture and habits in which he/she has grown is preserved for their uniqueness and meaningfulness and usefulness. Those youngsters who have not learnt to preserve themselves lose to temptations.

Self respect also means preserving the body in which the soul is housed. Holding on to age old wisdom, values and culture and not giving in to temptations, harmone induced deviations etc.,

A TB youngman or a girl keeps away from liquour and drugs because they defile the body. They keep away from casual sex because it again defiles their bodies. They hold on to their values because they are all time tested in this karmabhoomi and found to be meaningful and useful.

They do not think that their parents choosing a boy/girl for them is a disrespect to them. They accept and make the best of the situation. If they have found someone of their liking they still go to their parents and seek acceptance for obvious reasons. It is a system which is working well and meets all the demands of times.

You have a tendency to think in terms of extremes only. And there lies the problem of perception.
 
But talking more about logic and reasoning in his postings may remind one about Joseph Goebbels. :)
 
krishji,

Your thousands of TB girls go to work in Bangaluru, Pune and foreign countries because they get jobs of their choice and liking in those cities. It is not as if they are waiting for a chance to escape from a stressful society to enjoy freedom in a liberated society. You have assumed too many things. They are all wrong assumptions.

Self respect is a nice word. Self respect is respect for self. Here self means body and soul. When the girl or boy respects her/his soul he/she carefully preserves himself/herself. The values which he/she has picked up from childhood are preserved, the culture and habits in which he/she has grown is preserved for their uniqueness and meaningfulness and usefulness. Those youngsters who have not learnt to preserve themselves lose to temptations.

Self respect also means preserving the body in which the soul is housed. Holding on to age old wisdom, values and culture and not giving in to temptations, harmone induced deviations etc.,

A TB youngman or a girl keeps away from liquour and drugs because they defile the body. They keep away from casual sex because it again defiles their bodies. They hold on to their values because they are all time tested in this karmabhoomi and found to be meaningful and useful.

They do not think that their parents choosing a boy/girl for them is a disrespect to them. They accept and make the best of the situation. If they have found someone of their liking they still go to their parents and seek acceptance for obvious reasons. It is a system which is working well and meets all the demands of times.

You have a tendency to think in terms of extremes only. And there lies the problem of perception.
Interesting post.Thanks.

Children do not think of soul and preservation of soul.

Think of their body and how to beautify it or make it better toned to make it attractive to themself and their peer groups.

Parents expectation might be to have children respect their traditions and so called values.

Children leave the stranglehold of parents grip to taste freedom from a atrocious order biding them to rituals and conventions making them slaves to their harsh

discipline.

They breathe fresh air in a free environment and transact in an uncontrolled environment making their own choices and deciding their own priorites.

Sooner than later, they find someone whose views match theirs for a relationship.

Then they go to parents only as a courtesy and perhaps the thinking that it might be required as a back up later in case of a mishap.

It is like buying insurance for future and nothing more.

I see it without bias and as it exists.

Others I think imagine how it ought to be from their point of view.
 
Dear Vaagmi. I am happy ,you have properly explained to Mr Krish , though he, himself is ful
y kmowledgeable/& also aware , because he has the experience , having lot of relations , both in India & abroad.Sometimes ,I feel, he writes differently, reason he only knows.of late our girls , depending on circumstances,fall for NBs& parents okay the same & get the marriage done a& also not grudge to keep positive relations with them( my close relatives have accepted the Boy & tr he family & have a grand child All are reasonably happy & attend all functions frre
y & we should Accept the trend homoursnly,
A.Srinivasan
 
Interesting post.Thanks.

Children do not think of soul and preservation of soul.

Think of their body and how to beautify it or make it better toned to make it attractive to themself and their peer groups.

Parents expectation might be to have children respect their traditions and so called values.

Children leave the stranglehold of parents grip to taste freedom from a atrocious order biding them to rituals and conventions making them slaves to their harsh

discipline.

They breathe fresh air in a free environment and transact in an uncontrolled environment making their own choices and deciding their own priorites.

Sooner than later, they find someone whose views match theirs for a relationship.

Then they go to parents only as a courtesy and perhaps the thinking that it might be required as a back up later in case of a mishap.

It is like buying insurance for future and nothing more.

I see it without bias and as it exists.

Others I think imagine how it ought to be from their point of view.


Joseph Goebbel's cover up story.... nothing but masala ...nice imagitation.... if produced as a movie may crab National awards.

Children are never treated as slaves at homes... they do enjoy their life with all the privileges and parents are at beck and call, provide them all the facilities and necessities and ensure they are happy throughout.

What is this talking about freedom from a astrocious order... for some who live at Delhi, perhaps Tihar jail may come to their memory whenever they sit before system for typing postings. lol

Girls have in fact their own problems. While some are worried about their fair skin getting more brighter and glow, the dark skinned will be worried whether her fiance/boy friend will love it. They all know that the colour of their skin has the bearing on beauty.

They are worried about their dress, the trend and style which is changing everyday. Some are worried about the jewellery, the size, patent, diamond, platinum, etc

Now comes the cocking skill. How many girls of these days know how to prepare a hot spicy bisi bela bath.

Last but not least, while few are worried about gaining weight, most are concentrating on losing weight. They talk about slim, trim, overweight, etc. They look for yoga and join in Gym paying through their nose.

Few think of joining in Academies to gain knowlege in foreign language having an eye on career prospects.

While a young girl has to meet lot of challenges, where is time for getting into relations. There is no time for dealing with kith and kins . They are busy with Face Book, WhatsApp, Gmail, other Social medias. Every one is running after their own goals.

When is the cupid going to strike these girls/boys with his golden arrow... it is anybody's guess.
 
What youngsters do in social forums should be eye opener to all parents.

Many groups of facebook ,google ,whatsapp are busy exchanging info on get together, party venues and other avenues for pleasure.

They help people bond onsite which pave the way for meeting when they are in same city.

These online sites have brought close long distance strangers to bond with each other.

World is a large platform.

We have so many craving for relationships.

Some find love on these sites.

Many temporary hook ups and a few permanent.

China has banned all these american sites to protect their youngsters.lol
 
What youngsters do in social forums should be eye opener to all parents.

Many groups of facebook ,google ,whatsapp are busy exchanging info on get together, party venues and other avenues for pleasure.

They help people bond onsite which pave the way for meeting when they are in same city.

These online sites have brought close long distance strangers to bond with each other.

World is a large platform.

We have so many craving for relationships.

Some find love on these sites.

Many temporary hook ups and a few permanent.

China has banned all these american sites to protect their youngsters.lol

Dear krishji,

You are perhaps speaking from the experience you have gained from your interaction with the limited TB society that is there in your city. Delhi is a highly compartmentalised TB society. The high brow IAS Babus have their own clubs and get togethers in which it is mostly talk of the Departments and the pathways of power flow. Even among these the conservative ones take a drink and tries to forget their injured egos.

In the next morning, if it is a Sunday, they will first finish their nithyaradhana and later hit the bottle with a friend invited home. They would even try to lighten the tension by saying the first jingling was to please the parmAtma( with bell used in aradhana) and the second jingling (with bottles and glasses) is to please the jeevAtma in them. I have friends who are this type.

The rest of the crowd there is lower level officials-the babus called Assistants, Directors, stenos etc., They spend a life time trying to copy their bosses and the punjabi neighbours without success. So they are neither here nor there. They go to office invariably late, do little work there, return home late in the evening. The only thing they do correctly is to collect their quota of medicines from the CGHS dispensaries for them and all their relatives.

In the midst of such wonderful samples lives the other group of officers and employees of the PVT sector enterprises. All said, it is a soulless aimless crowd.

Now we come to our main topic.

It is my case that IC IR marriages take place because of children going on a listless float. This happens in those families where parents themselves have not picked up any good values from childhood. They are people who are sold on an exotic foreign culture and values. So they miserably fail in their duty to their children. The children, the unfortunate beings, go astray.

So kindly do not glorify this listless float as the best course of action for youngsters.

As I had argued long back with one Mr. Nara in this forum, if you are really really sincere about the greatness of IC/IR marriages, please teach (yes TEACH) your children (a benign tolerating is not enough as all parents have concern for their children) and grand children the following things:

1. Teach them -How to avoid brahmin boys/girls by telling them all that is obnoxious about brahmins. You can use terms like ammanjis, ambis, komalis etc., to bring down the image of these brahmin boys. and use terms like badra kalis, stupid girls, dusk skinned tun tuns etc., for girls.

2. Teach them-The greatness of being the liberated ones welcoming the bible (or even better if it is the Holy Koran) as the holy book to replace the BG at home. Tell the children that God is just God. So that they can forget their religion and marry any one.

3. Teach them-The advantage of unlimited freedom in the matter of enjoying life here and now. There is nothing wrong in drinking, smoking pot and then after these two, having a go at the ultimate source of pleasure without any limiting concerns-not even a thin rubber tissue.

4. Teach them-How to mock at the TBs for their belief in Kundlis (horoscopes), a ritualistic marriage celebration, narrow minded matching of castes and subcastes and sub-sub-castes etc., Tell them to marry only on the basis of love by dating a hundred boys and choosing one from them. It does not matter as to what happens to the girl/boy during all these dating adventures. They have to just get modern. And thats all that matters.

If you are reluctant to do this-starting from your own home-then it would mean you are a great manipulator and would make you automatically ineligible to come here to glorify IC/IR marriages.

Usually advices can be easily and liberally given as long as it is to others.

So please tell your children that you are very much against TB with TB marriages. Tell them that you will forget them if they go for such out of fashion marriages. Tell them that you will punish them with denial of share in the family wealth-whatever it is. Tell them clearly that you are terribly angry for their chosing a match from the same commun ity. That will make at least the younger members in the family learn a lesson or two and behave when their time comes.

You can then report here your success. LOL.
 
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I am not 50s or 60s. But I am mid 40s.

I feel the right age gap is 4 years and the right age for marriage for a boy is 26 and for a girl it is 22 . These days not many are fortunate to get married at this age.

This age gap provides the necessary comfort between them.
 
Dear vaagmiji

My upvote for your post.

Your frank views on the bureaucratic crowd running the central govt in delhi noted. There is some truth in them.

The next generation need not be taught anything about caste. My children did not know about caste until they joined anna univ.They asked him whether he is forward

caste? He had to fill a form indicating his caste. Tamilnadu is highly polarised on caste lines. Also it has an unreasonable reservation policy sidelining all brahmins in

education and jobs. We in delhi did not face this until recently when OBC reservations started after 1991.One does not face caste issues much.We do not look at many

things through the prism of caste.

Most higher level ,well off send children to either convent schools or those schools such as sanskrithi -floated for civil servants,modern school or DPS. These are top

tier schools known for excellence.There are no caste issues there.

For higher education it is the IITs or IIM and abroad.

Since in all these places, acxademic excellence only counts , not any caste card.

So our children are not poisoned with this caste issues.

When it comes to marriage , what matters is edu qualifications, job excellence ,language and location issues. Most compromise on caste to some extent atleast.

Same caste preferable or else some close to it in terms of food habits , family status similar -say another civil servant family. Good chances these understand each

other way of living and they have common friends.They understand the local culture and habits.

Brahmin is just one more caste for me and I happen to belong to it due to accident of birth.

I neither hate or love my caste.It is just a tag. Along with is my vegetarianism and language.

I have given up on rituals and do not miss them.

Only on occassions like marriage, death these get remembered .

I am a go getter.

If it means matching kundlis [I know to cast and match horoscope by myself],fix a ritualistic marriage to get a good match, I am for it. If the other party wants to go

to a registered office instead ,along with tying of knot, sapthapadhi due to caste or other consideration , so be it.

No one hugs someone from another religion for marriage by choice. But if it happens due to choice of girl or boy , I think wisdom lies in accepting with grace.

Being liberal is a mindset. Drinking , partying are personal choices of some to beat job and other life stresses. As long as one can hold a drink[that comes thru sadhna ]

lol] then it is OK . This is dignified drinking . Everyone who drinks is not alcoholic.

We have compromised a lot for good living.

We shall not allow casteist and narrow minded to disturb our living unduly.
 
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