Age difference between boy and girl for marriage

[sankaran1950]

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Of late I observe that there are many marriages are taking place wherein the age difference between boy and girl is hardly 3 to 6 months or max of 1 year. I know it is preferred to have age difference of 6 years (boy elder to girl) as per brahmin traditions, but the girls do not prefer to have such a wide gap with their current independence and change in life styles etc. Please enlighten me with your views in this regard.

Sankaran

 

[s007bala]

re

Of late I observe that there are many marriages are taking place wherein the age difference between boy and girl is hardly 3 to 6 months or max of 1 year. I know it is preferred to have age difference of 6 years (boy elder to girl) as per brahmin traditions, but the girls do not prefer to have such a wide gap with their current independence and change in life styles etc. Please enlighten me with your views in this regard.

Sankaran

Sankaran

Boys today prefer girls with mental frequencies to vibrate as their own frequency.But what boys do not yet realise is,once they get married and the girls have children,the physical intimacy requirement is quiet different from that of the girls.

Girls become content after chidlren are born and after certain age,women lose all interest in physical intimacy,thats when the age difference of at least 4-7 years kicks in real practical life,our elders are wise to suggest 4-7 years apart between males & females,wherein the females are younger than the males.Youngster who do not listen to parents will feel this,as age goes by.

sb

 

[sankaran1950]

Thanks SB. Yes I agree with your point of view. Is there any specific mention in our Vedic scripts on this subject or is it more of a practice in the form of customs / traditions that we look upon. The boys & girls argue as to what happens if the age difference is in the range of few months. I have a living example in my family wherein the couple do not have any children in cases where the difference in age is less than a year. I do not know if it bears any relation to such issues.

Sankaran

 

[s007bala]

re

Thanks SB. Yes I agree with your point of view. Is there any specific mention in our Vedic scripts on this subject or is it more of a practice in the form of customs / traditions that we look upon. The boys & girls argue as to what happens if the age difference is in the range of few months. I have a living example in my family wherein the couple do not have any children in cases where the difference in age is less than a year. I do not know if it bears any relation to such issues.

Sankaran

Sankaran

I think sage vatsayana in his kama sutras has mentioned about this age difference.But then he goes on to very specific physical as well as mental compatibilities which modern science in its medical research is conforming tf course many our rishis were gifted individuals,who were not only wise but practical also.

As for your example within your family,i am not sure to say what could be the cause,apart from the physical aspect,women mature mentally much earlier than men,so compatibility on this score is also a practical thing,as otherwise women will boss over like a mother instead of understanding wife.

In my opinion,minimum 4 years is required and women should be younger and max 7 years as the upper limit.Beyond this,again compatibility of another kind will crop up and the man will not be able to keep up with the demands of younger woman

sb

 

[pbkhema]

As per the Dharma Sastra the groom should be thrice the age of the bride.That was enunciated at the time when society was different.Gradually it became to be adopted that there should be at lease three years difference the boy being older.Medically and psychologically the womrn "age" (if I may use the word) earlier

 

[happyhindu]

Not sure age matters as much as it is being made out. My parents are same age (7 months diff). Two aunts married men a year younger than them. It all seemed rather acceptable. But when a cousin fell in love with a guy nearly 6 years younger than her, it was vehemently opposed. But she married him nevertheless (registered marriage, left no choice for others) and they are a happy couple today with kids (her husband is tall, big built and no one can ever tell he is younger than her, behaviour wise he is rather dominating kind). It all depends on the situation, people involved, their nature, adaptability....

 

[s007bala]

re

Not sure age matters as much as it is being made out. My parents are same age (7 months diff). Two aunts married men a year younger than them. It all seemed rather acceptable. But when a cousin fell in love with a guy nearly 6 years younger than her, it was vehemently opposed. But she married him nevertheless (registered marriage, left no choice for others) and they are a happy couple today with kids (her husband is tall, big built and no one can ever tell he is younger than her, behaviour wise he is rather dominating kind). It all depends on the situation, people involved, their nature, adaptability....

Yours maybe an 'exception' to the rule factor.In majority of the cases,its always better if the woman is younger,or at least in Tambrahms families in India especially TN specific geographical region.

sb

 

[happyhindu]

suppose i give u examples of tambram ppl from TN specific geographical area??

anyways, this is a nice one: http://www.deccanherald.com/Content/Jun22007/living200706015031.asp

 

[sridharvasudevan]

HH, What I write below is not to belittle your thoughts but only to share some thoughts that are based on general good. Exceptions are always there in anything.

In those days, a young boy went to gurukula and the girl stayed at home. The marriage was early for many reasons. The boy having been tutored, now imparts the knowledge to the girl from the time of getting married. At a young age, the older boy and younger girl gel better when it comes to being teacher and student. Now a days, that tradition is not so, because both go to educational institutions.

In general, the physical development of man and woman though being quite similar. Puberty and hormones play a great role in differentiating mental maturity of man and woman in early stages (teens). The girl takes a easier and earlier grasp of the changes from puberty and hormones than a man. What I mean here is the maturity of mind.

So a girl married to a man at an early age teens or just out of teens would have a large gap in their maturity levels.

If the boy were just about two to three years elder than the girl it would help in them being of good vibes in early 20s. Once they grow older, the age is not so relevant. So that may be the reason it is more acceptable for both genders now a days.

If they get married at a much later stage, say mid 20s or even later as is happening today, they need to rush towards going the family way within an year of marriage. This is because, the woman is better off carrying her baby well before 30 and it is considered as risky (or requires special care), if she is above 35.

So again, if she got married at her early 20s she needs a man who is to be elder than her so he has a good balance over himself physically. That puts him in the mid 20s.

But, it doesn't end there. The woman reaches her menopause in the early and mid 40s. If they were the same age, the man would be still too virile to understand her difficulties in not being a cooperative partner. Being married to a man of about 4 to 6 years elder than herself, she would find her partner near his 50's when she goes into menopause. A partner who is probably lesser susceptible to issues of understanding because of one's own changes in age and bodily demands.

Just a few things that I thought of saying here for now.

 

[happyhindu]

very nicely put sv...true too...

am sorta wondering why am i coming across more and more people going for partners tht wud traditionally not be acceptable even abt a ten years back...mayb ppl find this liberalized atmosphere condusive to doing away with norms to live life bindaas...and more men openly call themselves gay than ever before...its all like no one gives a damn so i'll rather live my life the way i want to..

 

[sridharvasudevan]

>>am sorta wondering why am i coming across more and more people going for partners tht wud traditionally not be acceptable even abt a ten years back<<

HH, The larger perception of one man one woman for life has changed. The larger perception of whether or not man and woman can have physical intimacy outside marriage has changed. The village or town being our moral watchdog is no more true for millions of people even in India. The chances of divorce or even marital status being a matter of personal choice to reveal publicly has become rampant. Nuclear families and lesser people to take care of each other has also made children dependent on lesser reliable sources of information on life. All these allow a green pasture for the ongoing trend.

It's not a matter of good or bad, but a hard pill to swallow because mankind would have to go over a whole cycle of experimenting for hundreds of years, before we come back to the practices of the older days, if things are left to its own in the present trend.

 

[s007bala]

suppose i give u examples of tambram ppl from TN specific geographical area??

anyways, this is a nice one: http://www.deccanherald.com/Content/Jun22007/living200706015031.asp

khe khe..yeah..but its all the glitterati of the rich...i am writing abt simple middle class folks like me..who still values 'pazhang kala' sampradayams which are nuggets of life...sage vatsayanas work is a tribute to our ethos,eroticity,esoteric love...etc

sb

 

[happyhindu]

Why assume its the rich....why not middle class? (you really do like to assume, don't ya)..and yep, vatsyayana didn't document everything

 

[Seshadri Subramaniam]

Shri SV, you sorta have the knack of taking the words out of my mouth... :becky: what I wanted to say, you have said better...

Anyway here goes...

Biological tunings over thousands of years have happened and hence the ritual, custom or norm or practice in one geographical area may be different from the other. Today, the world has shrunk and cultures have mixed. Such a mixture has both positives and negatives... positives, in that we learn the good from the other, enjoy variations, look through the eyes of different people and broaden our horizon of knowledge.

On the other hand, this also leads one to regress one's thinking to equate with the olden times with the present technology; then to conclude that our predecessors were so due to lact of insufficient knowledge or advancement of science & technology. Implicitly, this leads to erosion of cultures - appreciating all cultures while living one's own is different from disregarding all cultures. Hence we see many variations due to this tendency; more often the question seems to be - "why not?".

Physiological reasons account for one.

Psychological reasons may also be the reason - the perception of the majority of women (by women themselves) is that they are secondary to men. This kind of equating with men has led to competing spirits. Starting from dress, manners and hairstyle, women are trying to show that they are equal to men by aping them. Moreover, literacy has increased among women (relatively) and they see themselves as self-sustaining entities. There may come a day when the word femininity and masculinity may see the end of usage even in grammar books. Such is the mentality now. This attitude of girls may urge them to look for an equal partner because an older partner, even by virtue of his age, implies seniority and some individual women may resent that.

Another psychological reason could be the inability to cope up with trends - Fashion, jargon, music, movies etc. Girls who move with males in their school and college might have appreciated the flair of certain friends. They would have relished such a character and would have attributed it to their age and exposure. A much elder person may have lost touch of enthusiasm or the trend and hence the reluctance of some girls to go beyond one year or max two for their life partner.

But age difference or not - true love for each other and for each others' families could potentially heal any sort of traditional deviations...

In my opinion, I would say a younger girl would enthuse the family with liveliness, care and affection while an elder boy would be physically and mentally strong to protect and care for her....

Elder boy & younger girl = maturity & enthusiasm
Boy & girl of equal age = maturity combined with ego
Elder girl & younger boy = dominance

While the above may be generally true (in my opinion), there are other variables like money, circumstances, peculiar individual traits etc which have their own way of deciding things.

Conclusion: It is better to go with tradition in certain areas.

 

[s007bala]

re

Why assume its the rich....why not middle class? (you really do like to assume, don't ya)..and yep, vatsyayana didn't document everything

Life is full of assumptions,and then a theorem is postulated based on such assumptions and then the assumption itself becomes 'truth' and we all end up doing'bhedham' about truth!!One can endlessly keep questioning untill we go nuts & bonkers...but ,hey thats each one's prerogative..we can agree to disagree and move one...khe khe

sb :tea:

 

[s007bala]

re

Shri SV, you sorta have the knack of taking the words out of my mouth... :becky: what I wanted to say, you have said better...

Anyway here goes...

Biological tunings over thousands of years have happened and hence the ritual, custom or norm or practice in one geographical area may be different from the other. Today, the world has shrunk and cultures have mixed. Such a mixture has both positives and negatives... positives, in that we learn the good from the other, enjoy variations, look through the eyes of different people and broaden our horizon of knowledge.

On the other hand, this also leads one to regress one's thinking to equate with the olden times with the present technology; then to conclude that our predecessors were so due to lact of insufficient knowledge or advancement of science & technology. Implicitly, this leads to erosion of cultures - appreciating all cultures while living one's own is different from disregarding all cultures. Hence we see many variations due to this tendency; more often the question seems to be - "why not?".

Physiological reasons account for one.

Psychological reasons may also be the reason - the perception of the majority of women (by women themselves) is that they are secondary to men. This kind of equating with men has led to competing spirits. Starting from dress, manners and hairstyle, women are trying to show that they are equal to men by aping them. Moreover, literacy has increased among women (relatively) and they see themselves as self-sustaining entities. There may come a day when the word femininity and masculinity may see the end of usage even in grammar books. Such is the mentality now. This attitude of girls may urge them to look for an equal partner because an older partner, even by virtue of his age, implies seniority and some individual women may resent that.

Another psychological reason could be the inability to cope up with trends - Fashion, jargon, music, movies etc. Girls who move with males in their school and college might have appreciated the flair of certain friends. They would have relished such a character and would have attributed it to their age and exposure. A much elder person may have lost touch of enthusiasm or the trend and hence the reluctance of some girls to go beyond one year or max two for their life partner.

But age difference or not - true love for each other and for each others' families could potentially heal any sort of traditional deviations...

In my opinion, I would say a younger girl would enthuse the family with liveliness, care and affection while an elder boy would be physically and mentally strong to protect and care for her....

Elder boy & younger girl = maturity & enthusiasm
Boy & girl of equal age = maturity combined with ego
Elder girl & younger boy = dominance

While the above may be generally true (in my opinion), there are other variables like money, circumstances, peculiar individual traits etc which have their own way of deciding things.

Conclusion: It is better to go with tradition in certain areas.

Seshu

I will bet my millionth 20 dollar bill,that the girl who marries you will be very lucky indeed.One big hug for you from me:hug:.

sb

 

[happyhindu]

Elder boy & younger girl = maturity & enthusiasm
Boy & girl of equal age = maturity combined with ego
Elder girl & younger boy = dominance

Am just expressing something for the sake of being an underdog in a conversation...just for observations's sake..

1) Entertainment: In those days there were fewer forms of entertainment, less things for a guy to be passionate about. No tv, pc, pc games, gaming parlours, pubs, clubs, cinemas, etc. So to keep a man's mind away from wavering from marital fidelity, just in case that part of life become more like an entertainment of boredom over years, the older folk prescribed the requisite age diff. Not sure it applies now.

2) Maturity: Older does not mean mature. Younger ppl can be more sensible and older ppl can be more emotional. An older husband need not be a mature guy.

3) Enthusiasm: A lady in her early 40s might find an older husband miserably boring and a younger guy more enthusiastic and interesting. The reverse might also hold true, like an older husband can find a younger wife childish and irritating. Age has nothing to do with enthusiasm.

4) Dominance: A woman can fall in love with a younger aggressive guy instead of an older sensitive guy. A woman's preferences varies from person to person, love is blind. A younger husband can be just as dominating as an older husband. Again, the reverse also holds true. So, age has nothing to do with dominance either.

4) Just an observation: successful men generally seem to prefer older women. Maybe its their ability and maturity that draws them towards mental compatibility with a woman who can offer the same maturity.

 

[happyhindu]

Life is full of assumptions,and then a theorem is postulated based on such assumptions and then the assumption itself becomes 'truth' and we all end up doing'bhedham' about truth!!

how on earth can a theorem be postulated or based on an assumption...hope you have tried telling that to a mathematician...and also tried telling "bhedam" is of this kind to a logician anyways, have a good day further..bye.

 

[pannvalan]

This is just a reproducion of the part of discussions on the same topic, a year ago.

Basing on the books I have read and what I have observed in the real world, I am of the view that metabolism in a girl starts earlier and ends earlier, whereas in males it occurs a little later. To explain further, a girl attains puberty at the age of 12 to 16 years, but a boy is biologically ready to start family life at the age of 16 to 20 years. During this period, one can notice 'growth spurt' in both of them. It is evidenced by many outwardly physiological changes that can be noticed by others.

Psychologically, it takes a few more years for both of them to be fully prepared to start a healthy, married life. Therefore, I am of the view that the best age for getting married is between 18 and 24 years for a girl, whereas for a boy it is between 21 and 28 years.

Moreover, for conceiving and giving birth to a child, for a woman, the ideal age is
between 21 and 35 years. (No such prescription for men).

Similarly, after leading a married life for long, a woman reaches the stage of menopause between 40 and 55 years, in contrast to a man who is capable of producing offsprings up to 70 years of his age. This may sometimes go up to 80 years.

These must have been the real reasons for our ancestors stipulating that there must
be a gap of 3 to 5 years between a boy and a girl (Girl must be younger to boy),
to lead a successful married life.

If we consider other aspects also, if a girl is too young (say younger by more than
12 years, as compared to the boy), she will resist sexual life until she reaches the age of 18 years and understands what is what, after gaining necessary mental maturity. In addition, after she reaches 21 years of age or in the later part of the life (say 45 years), she will begin to dominate her male companion openly - inside the 4 walls and outside in the presence of others too, in all matters. She wants to be the decision-maker for practically everything.

On the contrary, if the girl and boy are almost of equal age (the difference being
negligible), there will be constant ego clash between them and it is not good for
a happy married life. It will affect their children too.

Regarding the third possibility - assume that the boy is younger than the girl by
more than 1 year - the girl may start dominating him from the beginning. Moreover,
sexually also, the boy will find it difficult to satisfy her. (Please forgive me for writing
so elaborately)

All this is in Indian conditions. It may slightly vary, depending on the cultural and
climatic background.

Finally, coming to our friend's question, my answer is take a responsible decision after
discussing all the pros and cons. Also, do not disregard the elders' opinions just like that.

If the boy and girl still feel that their love is so pure and beyond all that I have written above, let them go ahead and marry.

Only one word of caution. Love is blind; be careful!



Last edited by pannvalan; 10-03-2008 at 05:23 PM.

 

[Seshadri Subramaniam]

yes hh you are right; at the individual level, there are so many differing personalities and vagaries of the mind that it cannot be easily genaralized... but I did generalize just to indicate the pattern at a much broader level.

Well, a person can harbour ego right from childhood... complexes are born much earlier in a person's life... but the latter experiences in life, to an extent, mollify the brunt side and ease the mind towards a much favourable disposition, that is, if circumstances permit.

Even a person at 60 can be quite enthusiastic, boyish and mature at the same time... that doesn't mean that we look at that age for marriage! For girls who are around 20 - 24, a healthy age difference would be four years. For women who have crossed the age of, say 28 or 30, their mindset and maturity level becomes quite different, and hence the same difference may not be rigidly resorted to... for a woman in her forties, she would have seen much of the world and the freshness of youth may no longer be with her (sometimes, it may not even appeal to her)... and again, it depends on her mindset and the society, as to whether she chooses a partner of younger age or otherwise.

So, without getting much complicated, if age is the only criterion, the normal tendency would be to go for a couple where the boy is elder by at least four years.

Just an observation: successful men generally seem to prefer older women. Maybe its their ability and maturity that draws them towards mental compatibility with a woman who can offer the same maturity.

I am greatly amused at this observation...!:yo:

 

[Seshadri Subramaniam]

how on earth can a theorem be postulated or based on an assumption...hope you have tried telling that to a mathematician...and also tried telling "bhedam" is of this kind to a logician anyways, have a good day further..bye.

hh, all theories are based on assumptions... it just turns out that majority of the assumptions are facts...

In fact, such assumptions accepted by the majority, becomes postulates...

happyhindu: Why assume its the rich....why not middle class? (you really do like to assume, don't ya)..and yep, vatsyayana didn't document everything

maybe, but according to the society that existed at that time, his documentation was comprehensive... and that is why it is a monumental work.... as society changes, perceptions do change, and it migh actually be quite interesting to give the book a little twist of our quirks...:boxing:

 

[KRS]

Dear Srimathi HH Ji,

I am back. I am not going to let a handful of these people who do not know what they are talking about to inform our readership. I do not care about what Praveen does. He has proved quite inept in controlling the vitriol in this Forum. I have already stated what his interests are.

A bully has to be met head on. And I am declaring here that soo7bala is a bully and he threatened me and I am not going to shy away from meeting him head on. If I do not then, I figure I am letting our readership down.

Now, having been trained in science, I agree with your question. Assumptions need to be validated by observance to postulate a theory. A theory so postulated that is universal is called a scientific law.

Again, you have people here who don't know what they are talking about, explaining things that they do not understand. Except they pat each other on the back and come to each other's defence without any logical merit.

Relative truth is not truth. And physical truth is relative onlt to the extent of our postulation. For example, just because Einstein's theory of relativity extended beyond Newton's laws, it does not obviate Newotn's work. Newton's work is still true, except it does not extend beyond certain limitations of the physical world.

This is the consequence when a person thinks that just because he knows a bit of Sanskrit, he can comment on everything under the universe!

Your enquiry is right on!

Regards,
KRS

how on earth can a theorem be postulated or based on an assumption...hope you have tried telling that to a mathematician...and also tried telling "bhedam" is of this kind to a logician anyways, have a good day further..bye.

 

[Seshadri Subramaniam]

A hypothesis in an assumption initially...

Only after repeated experimentation and observation, it becomes a "tested-hypothesis"... and theorems are made of such tested hypothesis.

hh, I was just pointing this out to you and my intention was just that... I am not here to specifically take sides with anyone...

I would advise anybody who questions this to look up the meaning of the words "theory", 'hypothesis", "assumption" and reflect on that...

 

[KRS]

Dear Sri SS Ji,

I thought you were open minded. But your tandem act with s007bala with mutual patting of each other's behind tells me otherwise.

You tried to defend his statement which can not be defended by logic. Please stop this mutual admiration society. Thank you.

Regards,
KRS

A hypothesis in an assumption initially...

Only after repeated experimentation and observation, it becomes a "tested-hypothesis"... and theorems are made of such tested hypothesis.

hh, I was just pointing this out to you and my intention was just that... I am not here to specifically take sides with anyone...

I would advise anybody who questions this to look up the meaning of the words "theory", 'hypothesis", "assumption" and reflect on that...

 

[KRS]

This topic has no relevance. Our culture always recognized that there are exceptions to the rule. In a majority of cases, as the nature dictates older men always were married to younger women, based om natural laws. There have always been a minority of deviations, which, by the way our religion has approved.

So it is in modern times. What is so new about this?

KRS