Joint Family VS Separate Family after marriage

[P.J.]

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Joint Family VS Separate Family after marriage


How present day girls view Joint family system after marriage and how mothers' view losing their son to their daughter in law..


Interesting to watch

Neeya Naana | ???? ???? 06/15/14 - YouTube

 

[renuka]

Why does a mother still need to hold on to her son?

You cant have sex with a son..so why hold on to him?LOL

I feel women who are extra possessive of their sons have a serious problem of lack of sexual attention from their husbands..reverse Odepius Complex!

 

[Raji Ram]

The mothers who want to stay with their son's family - his wife and kids to be precise -
must have mostly lived away from their husband's mother after their wedding! :bolt: ... eace:

 

[P.J.]

Why does a mother still need to hold on to her son?

You cant have sex with a son..so why hold on to him?LOL

I feel women who are extra possessive of their sons have a serious problem of lack of sexual attention from their husbands..reverse Odepius Complex!

Sex is not every thing.. Relationship between mother and son is beyond every thing

 

[renuka]

. Relationship between mother and son is beyond every thing

Dear PJ sir,

I also have a son..my duty as a mother is to make sure he will eventually be a good husband for his future wife.

The mothers role stops there.

Being possessive of anyone is totally selfish.

Only an insecure selfish person will be possessive of anyone.

What ever relationship there is in the world when I die I die alone..so why hold on too tight to anyone.

Relationship too changes from life to life..so I feel we need to give breathing space to everyone.

That is why I can safely say I love my family but yet maintain some distance with everyone.

Mothers should learn to back off once their children are married.

 

[prasad1]

The joint family system is a system in which all the family members live under one roof. Living in a joint family can be a great fun if all the members work with mutual understanding and cooperation. There is no doubt in the fact that nothing is better than one’s own family, to provide emotional satisfaction, love and happiness. But nowadays 80% of the people prefer nuclear family system.

One reason is the break up of agrarian or family business model. People have to travel out of the family circle because of job. Secondly In the new job in the new town the newly married couple have to live in rather meager houses. So they need all the space for themselves. With the economic independence they do not have to depend on others, and on the other hand their own demand does not leave room for others.
The consumer economy also leads to selfishness.
The joint family was an economic necessity, but it is a dying institution.

 

[P.J.]

You cant have sex with a son..so why hold on to him?LOL


renukaji

My reply was for this quote from you..

 

[P.J.]

once a child is born, both side parents help is needed; of course there are day care every where, but the child needs the affection of grand parents.

Once the children are grown up, they can manage themselves, grand parents, can visit them occasionally.

 

[krish44]

Dear PJ sir,

I also have a son..my duty as a mother is to make sure he will eventually be a good husband for his future wife.

The mothers role stops there.

Being possessive of anyone is totally selfish.

Only an insecure selfish person will be possessive of anyone.

What ever relationship there is in the world when I die I die alone..so why hold on too tight to anyone.

Relationship too changes from life to life..so I feel we need to give breathing space to everyone.

That is why I can safely say I love my family but yet maintain some distance with everyone.

Mothers should learn to back off once their children are married.

dear renukaji
How can you make sure your son would be a good husband after marriage ,if you do not stay with him and ensure full compliance

you need to play a police women role . it is not possessiveness at all.

you are shrugging off responsibility by not going near your son after bringing him up as per your wishes and not as your prospective daughter in laws needs

you are as per your admission conventional.

good possibility your son may not meet the needs of a girl with a modern mindset.

only you have the capability to change the mindset of a person what you have nurtured .

why dump it on the girl your son is marrying

I think it is shrugging off your legitimate responsibility -righting the wrongs .lol

 

[krish44]

The joint family system is a system in which all the family members live under one roof. Living in a joint family can be a great fun if all the members work with mutual understanding and cooperation. There is no doubt in the fact that nothing is better than one’s own family, to provide emotional satisfaction, love and happiness. But nowadays 80% of the people prefer nuclear family system.

One reason is the break up of agrarian or family business model. People have to travel out of the family circle because of job. Secondly In the new job in the new town the newly married couple have to live in rather meager houses. So they need all the space for themselves. With the economic independence they do not have to depend on others, and on the other hand their own demand does not leave room for others.
The consumer economy also leads to selfishness.
The joint family was an economic necessity, but it is a dying institution.

reply appreciated
where does it all end
nuclear family -only husband and wife under one roof with a kid or two in cramped apartment

even this breaks up these days with kids going to hostels at an early stage [[boarding school for kids over 10 yrs is becoming common for working couple]

couples breaking up as they are economically independent and do not need each other . other possibility , remote marriages , where mates are separated and living in

different cities/countries [like gulf marriages]

marriage as an institution is cracking up due to various pressures on marriages and consequent stresses and differences'

what is now left of living . ?

nothing much really. if living together lasts for a few years and one gets some happiness one could consider himself happy '

this is the ultimate crass reality of modern living

 

[renuka]

dear renukaji
How can you make sure your son would be a good husband after marriage ,if you do not stay with him and ensure full compliance

you need to play a police women role . it is not possessiveness at all.

you are shrugging off responsibility by not going near your son after bringing him up as per your wishes and not as your prospective daughter in laws needs

you are as per your admission conventional.

good possibility your son may not meet the needs of a girl with a modern mindset.

only you have the capability to change the mindset of a person what you have nurtured .

why dump it on the girl your son is marrying

I think it is shrugging off your legitimate responsibility -righting the wrongs .lol

dear Krish ji,

Do you really think I want to have added responsibilities?

Once he is an adult..he is on his own.

You see I dont listen to anyone..not even to my parents or husband!LOL

Likewise I wont like to impose my mindset on others..I like to be free yaar!

That is why I hope I get a DIL who will take my son and run to a far away land...so that I dont have to entertain her family in my house!LOL

I enjoy my private space.

I dont like the idea of Sambandhis hanging around for functions etc.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

My friend's sister was refusing whatever proposal came to her saying that the prospective grooms family is big!

After frantically searching for a few years, my friend asked her sister, 'Hey! Do you want us to kill all the relatives of

the groom so that you will never ever get any guests?' Ultimately, she got married to a guy working in the U S of A

with roots in India! So far, none of her in-laws dared to visit the U S of A! :fear:

 

[renuka]

I was thinking that the joint family system could actually be an evolution process that we humans still hold on to a certain extent and sure enough I found some evidence.

The Bonobo..a type of ape actually practice a similar system...along with the common Chimpanzee the Bonobo is the closest extant relative of humans.

The Bonobo is more successful in maintaining peace in their community as compared to other apes.

The Bonobo males are bigger and more aggressive than the females but the females as a group can overrule a male when it comes to "family" problems.

That is the Bonobo females sort of run the home in concert.

Its like a joint family system where the females of the family run the household and maintain peace.

The Bonobos are peace loving and conflicts among males are solved by the females.

And a striking resemblance to the Indian joint family is the strong Mother Son bond.

The mothers are extremely protective of their sons..and the mother son bond continues all thru the lives of the Bonobos!


Now lets try to link this with Joint Family system...its strikingly similar especially the Mother Son bond.


Could there be a gene theory why some mothers hold on to their sons and see the DIL as a rival?

Is it something to do with the remnants of the Bonobo effect?

When in recent times mankind has seen even the Vaagmi Gene theory..I see some hope here to try to understand the Indian MIL better.

Could it be the Bonobo Effect that has been plaguing society and making the DIL and MIL fight with each other?

Only time will tell.

May be in future we can do some gene mapping to see if a MIL carries Bonobo genes?LOL

Social behavior[edit]

Bonobos are very social​

​

Most studies indicate that females have a higher social status in bonobo society. Aggressive encounters between males and females are rare, and males are tolerant of infants and juveniles. A male derives his status from the status of his mother.[SUP][36][/SUP]The mother–son bond often stays strong and continues throughout life. While social hierarchies do exist, rank plays a less prominent role than in other primate societies.
The limited research on bonobos in the wild was taken to indicate that these matriarchal behaviors may be exaggerated by captivity, as well as by food provisioning by researchers in the field.[SUP][35][/SUP]
Bonobo party size tends to vary because the groups exhibit a fission–fusion pattern. A community of approximately 100 will split into small groups during the day while looking for food, and then will come back together to sleep. They sleep in nests that they construct in trees.

Bonobo - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[tbs]

hi

no comments...lol

i have a son and daughter....im the ONLY SON of my mother...i know all kinds of bonds with problems...

 

[krish44]

Dear Renu,

My friend's sister was refusing whatever proposal came to her saying that the prospective grooms family is big!

After frantically searching for a few years, my friend asked her sister, 'Hey! Do you want us to kill all the relatives of

the groom so that you will never ever get any guests?' Ultimately, she got married to a guy working in the U S of A

with roots in India! So far, none of her in-laws dared to visit the U S of A! :fear:

RRji
There are many girls who are out manhunting trying to grab single wage earners in often large families and leaving the extended families of boys in shambles


there should be a law against these modern witches out to damage well knit families.

 

[krish44]

dear Krish ji,

Do you really think I want to have added responsibilities?

Once he is an adult..he is on his own.

You see I dont listen to anyone..not even to my parents or husband!LOL

Likewise I wont like to impose my mindset on others..I like to be free yaar!

That is why I hope I get a DIL who will take my son and run to a far away land...so that I dont have to entertain her family in my house!LOL

I enjoy my private space.

I dont like the idea of Sambandhis hanging around for functions etc.

these are your aspirations.

life has a way to teaching extremists to follow a different path when faced with the actual ground situation

many times I have told myself that I shall not compromise on certain things and I end up doing exactly that at critical times.

well thats life

 

[renuka]

these are your aspirations.

life has a way to teaching extremists to follow a different path when faced with the actual ground situation

many times I have told myself that I shall not compromise on certain things and I end up doing exactly that at critical times.

well thats life

Dear Krish ji,

Since I was a child if I make up my mind for something I never change.

Really..when I was young I remember my parents wanted me and my brothers to adopt a new way of greeting them in the morning and at night.

They wanted to instill some Hindu culture is us..both my brothers complied.I stood there looking at them and I said "No..I wont follow this"

They tried very hard and still my answer was No.

Then sometimes some guest would come to the house and I used to dislike the fact that we had to smile and say hello..so I would run to my room and avoid all these guests.

Then my parents would tell me to come out and try to say hello.

I will tell them "No"

When I in college I used to be very talkative..(now I dont talk much..only my fingers do the typing)

So some girls told me that guys dont like talkative girls..I was "who cares"

Then after a few years of marriage my MIL suddenly thought I need to wear Potttu and Thali and she told me too and my answer was also "No".

Even my dad was telling me to wear Pottu and Thali and I told him "No"

My dad used to feel a bit sad that I was not too culturally inclined but now he does not think so becos I am always there for them looking after them.

So you see I am traditional and No is my favorite word!

 

[krish44]

when I was in college , my physics teacher used to talk about " eddy current always opposing normal flow of current' and talk about wives always saying no to what

husbands want to drive his point across.

even in govt . we say no first when it could be really yes. then it changes to may be and yes over a period of time.

when in doubt say no and decide later .

being traditonal has nothing to do with it

I am quite smart that way . when it is no , I quietly tranfer the issue to someone else who can say no on my behalf. I find it very difficult to say no to any one

 

[renuka]

I am quite smart that way . when it is no , I quietly tranfer the issue to someone else who can say no on my behalf. I find it very difficult to say no to any one

What?? When one wants to say No..One needs to have B**Ls of Steel!LOL

Why get another person to do the job for us? Neti Neti!LOL

 

[renuka]

I guess years of Yama Duta training of us doctors makes it very easy to say No.

Once when I was working in the hospital I had to break news to a deaf and mute person whose wife was also deaf and mute that their baby was dead in her womb.

Now this guy could not read or write also and I had to show him thru sign gestures that his baby was no more.

When we break news of death to patients slowly and have to respond to all reactions..saying No for trivial reasons in day to day life is kind of easy.

Yama Duta training makes saying No easy.

 

[krish44]

What?? When one wants to say No..One needs to have B**Ls of Steel!LOL

Why get another person to do the job for us? Neti Neti!LOL

no harm in feeling like a mentally challenged person and evade saying no

I would rather not put my manliness at stake over such an issue lol

I do not like to flex my muscles openly feeling bad inside.

why take it on me such acts as there are many around who relish saying no.for the heck of it?

now I know to whom to go to in this forum for saying no to someone.lol

 

[renuka]

now I know to whom to go to in this forum for saying no to someone.lol

Go to hell!LOL

 

[krish44]

returning to the subject of the thread , separate living away from parents requires a lot of inter personal understanding . there is no one to play the peacemaker or a buffer

which role the elderly normally take when they are around with them. it would be good if they can keep track of them and offer their knowledge if not services to surmount any

issues confronting them if they are not with them.

there are some two ways of tackling any issue .

some are varumun kappon and some vandapin kappon

meaning some plan for all eventualities in advance and take action

others only when there is a crisis as events unfold

others take life as it comes and do a kneejerk reaction to events.

both have plus and minus points which wise members of this forum know.

older generation prefer the former option.

the newer generation have a laidback style and decide to cross a bridge when they reach the bridge only.

foresight of the older generation can be used by youngsters living separately from parents

oldies have a lot to offer

only the youngsters need to realise it.lol

 

[Raji Ram]

............ Even my dad was telling me to wear Pottu and Thali and I told him "No"

My dad used to feel a bit sad that I was not too culturally inclined but now he does not think so becos I am always there for them looking after them. ........

​Do I sense some sort of blackmailing here? :spy:

 

[renuka]

​Do I sense some sort of blackmailing here? :spy:

Nope...they know I am beyond repair!LOL