would not a daughter be a natural candidate to spend the old age with?

[kunjuppu]

Share:

Facebook X (Twitter) WhatsApp Email Share Link

thank you anamika for this suggestion.

anamika said.
This question was discussed by my sister and me. She too has the same idea where the aged Parents can be taken care of by the daughter's family. The link can be continued and if it becomes acceptable, it will somewhat reduce the prejudice among the Parents to stay with a married daughter. And here is also a hitch! The S-i-l should be really and willingly accommodating the Parents without whose concurrence this cannot be a success!


personally, i agree.

i have given the reasons in many many posts elsewhere. would not want to repeat it here.

re the issue of son in law - i think most sil would not care. they might get flak from their own siblings or parents, but men do not care much re such things.

it eventually means less work for them in the house. more peace, as a grateful wife, would be willing to give in more.

also, appreciative m/fils are likely to be less demanding than the son's own parents, who if traditional, live with their sons, with a sense of entitlement, and thus make life difficult for dil.

but the best reason? the mother daughter bond is the strongest bond, it is said, between any two humans. they may fight, scratch and abuse each other to the hilt. but nothing sticks. they make up very soon and go on as before before the eye blinks.

now, imagine if only an imagined sleight from the mil to dil or vice versa --- all hell breaks loose. no?

my views.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

Though most people agree with this what is preventing this from happening more often is The Pindam issue. Then the Son in law's parents have also got to agree.

As I have been posting again and again Men who have a local standing and status like the retired principal of a local college, trade union leader etc. choose to spend their old age washing vessels in Australia because they want Kolli by the son.

They also lend themselves to blackmail by the son. I have heard a son threatening the father about this. The father who preferred to stay alone replied "worst come to worst, when I die the municipal authorities would take my body and burn/bury it." But how many fathers are able to call the son's bluff?

That is life.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Dear friends!

Aren't we forgetting something very important!

What about the couples who do not have daughter(s)?

"A son is a son only till he gets a wife.

A daughter is a daughter for life!"

Think about it!

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Now I can understand Anamika's Tamil haiku about the

D.I.L becoming the Dhurian and refusing even a pin point of space

and the parents-in-law going for the second Vanavaasam!

Experience speaks!

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

I have always wondered why the parents of the husband and the wife

should be MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!

May there will a 'Bharathappor' (Mahabharata Yudhdham)

if they occupy the same house at the same time!

 

[renuka]

Dear friends!

Aren't we forgetting something very important!

What about the couples who do not have daughter(s)?

"A son is a son only till he gets a wife.

A daughter is a daughter for life!"

Think about it!

Dear VR Ji,

You really think most Indians echo this?

For them its more like this:


"A son is a son only till he gets a wife.

A daughter is a daughter for life

When their end is near they just might

Look for their son again for a Light(Kolli)"

 

[Iyyarooraan]

Son or a daughter for old age

I know a son in the US who asked the people who contacted him, to cremate his mother and do all the rites and send the bill to him. A living man's commitment!; and a son responsible or irresponsible? Do we know who cremated Rama, Krishna or Adi Sankarar? When millions of Jews were killed, who performed the last rites; the responsible or the irresponsible? So long as you are kicking, it is life and if you kicked the bucket, remove the bucket to useful purpose!

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Lord Rama is said to have just walked into the river Sarayu

to end his life on earth.

Lord Krishna left for his heavenly abode with his body.

We are neither Rama nor Krishna but mere mortals!

 

[kunjuppu]

I have always wondered why the parents of the husband and the wife

should be MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!

May there will a 'Bharathappor' (Mahabharata Yudhdham)

if they occupy the same house at the same time!

seen this too. with my neighbour in madras.

two mottai paattis.

used to go gung ho at each. once it came even to throwing cow dung at each other.

the husband would just walk out of the house.

the dil used to shout at both in the street.

for the street, it was free tamasha

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear friends!

Aren't we forgetting something very important!

What about the couples who do not have daughter(s)?

"A son is a son only till he gets a wife.

A daughter is a daughter for life!"

Think about it!

this is very true in the west. you find girls taking care of their parents, and prompt to visit them in the oah, or hospitals etc.

i have never seen sons do this, even though i know quite a few old white people. the dils dont care.

visa, i always feel sorry for folks without daughters. to me, life was never full, till the girl came. definitely more of a challenge to bring up. but the rewards are worth it. (i hope)

i know one, who had 4 girls, till the boy came. nowadays, i think, the reverse is better.

 

[C RAVI]

I have come across the stories where parents were complaining of their miserable life in their daughter's home with their working daughters extracting all the house hold work from her parents mercilesly, and the Son in laws were to keep mum, being unable to change the sitaution to the favor of old FIL/MIL. The same are the cases of parents living with their son (either by their son's own intentions or him being surrendered to his wife for his own peace of mind).

We neither can guarantee happy living of old parents in their daughter's home nor in their son's home. It's all the individuality of the children (son/daughter) and support of their better half, that can atleast give some hopes of better possibilities for parents living together (who wants to). And than, the absolute imposibilities of keeping parents together due reasons other than the good attitude/intentions of supporting couples, would be totally a different story.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

dear Mr. Ravi,

You said it right . We can NEVER generalize about human relationship since it

depends on the persons involved. We have to believe in PRAARABDHAM

since nothing else CAN explain our lot and our luck in this world!

with warm regards,
V.R.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Dear Mr. Kunjuppu,

You have spoken truly. My parents are 'lucky' since they had four

daughters and brought us up with numerous problems!

But mother is pampered like a Queen in her old age. It WAS worth the

trouble!

But I can't understand why girls who respect/ worship/ take care of their

own parents mistrust and ill treat TheIr parents in law!

NO ONE is perfect. While the defects of her parents are readily forgiven

those of her parents in law are blown out of proportion till life becomes

impossible for the man/men in the house!

with warm regards,

V.R.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

I know a son in the US who asked the people who contacted him, to cremate his mother and do all the rites and send the bill to him. A living man's commitment!; and a son responsible or irresponsible? Do we know who cremated Rama, Krishna or Adi Sankarar? When millions of Jews were killed, who performed the last rites; the responsible or the irresponsible? So long as you are kicking, it is life and if you kicked the bucket, remove the bucket to useful purpose!

I am reminded of a funny incident related by my brother- a doctor.

It seems the person about to 'give up his ghost' feels an urge to visit the

toilet. Many people have died in the toilet room, or while entering or

coming out of the toilet room.

One man was in a hospital. He HAD to visit the toilet room. The walls

separating the toilet rooms only partial and had an opening above 6 feet

height. This man really kicked a bucket while 'kicking his bucket' .

The bucket flew over the wall and hit a man in the next room killing him

instantly.

Strange things DO happen!

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Mr. Kunjuppu,

You have spoken truly. My parents are 'lucky' since they had four

daughters and brought us up with numerous problems!

But mother is pampered like a Queen in her old age. It WAS worth the

trouble!

But I can't understand why girls who respect/ worship/ take care of their

own parents mistrust and ill treat her parents in law!

NO ONE is perfect. While the defects of her parents are readily forgiven

those of her parents in law are blown out of proportion till life becomes

impossible for the man/men in the house!

with warm regards,

V.R.

dear visa,

good for your mother dear lady. lucky to have 4 daughters.

i dont know with sons and dils. i can tell you from personal experience, the dil's parents are no saints. even if you are the most undemanding mil, in most cases the dil comes with a preconcieved notion and a lot of baggage.

add to that, the தலையணை மந்திரம் works against the boy's parents. it is a no win situation to start with, and with diligence, good faith and a lot of affection, one can win over the dil. these days.

this is my observation. ok? dont want to upset anybody here.

which is why, i dont understand, all this fuss about having boys, going and staying with sons et al. when they can have a heaven of a time with their daughters.

we cannot generalize, and all generalizations, including this one, is flawed. but there is a pattern.

like these days: if a boy is not married by 29, he is increasingly at odds finding a bride of his choice. he may find a bride, but with lots of compromises. this generalization, i think holds good. it is based on facts, as reported in this forum.

so, if i were a 30+, would i look at other ways to skin the cat? if i want to get married, you bet i would.

this is all i try to convey. when you know certain situations, do not go blindly or with your own outdated expectations. be realistic. understand the situation. be prepared. be pro active.

is it so hurting if i caution such.

if it still hurts, i tender, my unconditional apology to the public.

thank you.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

Why stay with anyone at all?

Please see

http://www.tamilbrahmins.com/sociology/6593-fathers-sons-post-retirement-strategies.html

Applies to daughters also.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Whether we live with the sons or daughters

the formula for peace in old age remains the same.

Please read on!

with warm regards, ray2:
V.R.

சொல்வதைக் கேட்கணும்!


முதுமைப் பருவத்தில் சோதனையின்றி வாழப்
புதுமை வழி உண்டு; அறிந்து கொள்வோம்!

“சொல்வதை மட்டுமே கேட்கணும்!
கேட்டதை மட்டுமே சொல்லணும்!”

எளிதாகத் தோன்றும் இவை இரண்டும்
எளிதல்ல என்பதை அறிந்து கொள்வோம்!

பிணைப்பே இல்லாது இருந்தால், நம் மேல்
பிணக்கம் கொண்டுவிடுவார் விரைவிலேயே!

என்ன என்ன என எப்போதும் கேட்டிருந்தாலோ,
எள்ளளவும் பிடிக்காது போய்விடும் யாருக்கும்!

நம் வயது, அனுபவத்தை மதித்து எப்போது
நம்மிடம் வழி கேட்டாலும், சொல்லணும் தப்பாது!

தொட்டும் தொடாமல், தாமரையிலை நீர் போல
பட்டும் படாமல் வாழ்ந்திடப் பழக வேண்டும்.

வாழும் நல்வழி இது என்று உணர்ந்து, இனி
வாழும் நாட்களை எளிதாய் அமைத்திடுவோம்!

 

[kunjuppu]

visa,

my mom stayed with me for 4 years (time to get a canadian passport). her behaviour was exactly that. she would never interfere or talk in between when hubby wife chat.

she would live mostly in her room. read voraciously. the grandchildren loved. her.


but she missed india. the people. the scents. the sounds.

she lived with my sister. my bil loved having her because of her attitude, quietness, discreteness and above all not giving an opinion, unless when asked.

which was quite different from HIS own mother, who used to demand to be the centre of things.

the g'children ofcourse loved her there too.

not everyone likes to live in the west.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

dear Mr. Kunjuppu,

Living in the WEST is O.K. for people who know how to keep themselves well

occupied usefully (like me and your mother)

For the others who want to interact and talk to many people and roam around the

place on their own (like my husband and many other friends i know)

it is a capital punishment to live in the west!

with warm regards,
V.R.

 

[subbudu1]

From my personal experience I can say living in the west is primarily a nightmare for one single reason- I miss home whenever I stay there for a prolonged period. I just cant barge into a neighbour's house and spend time. Social life isnt interesting for the aged Indians who have lived all their life in India. I am not attracted by the comforts of the west, as I was never used to them even when I could afford it in India. Even standing in queues is not a headache for me, as I am used to standing in long ration queues as a kid. There were times when I stood for a whole night just to get the rice provided by the government( during the food shortage days- courtesy Bhaktavatsalam ).

Dirty as the Chennai railway station is , I am still excited by the smell of the train and the eagerness to travel in train, buying food from the stopover stations and spicing up the curd rice packed by wife for the journey.

Nothing beats India as far as I am concerned and there is no question of me becoming retired hurt in some far far away land. My breath shall leave only in India and no where else!

In India I was born and I am happy to embrace the same fate as the rest of Indians but nowhere else I shall go.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

Menfolk cherish their independence...

which is the first thing they seem to lose when we go abroad.

No one to talk to...:ear:

No where to go to... :couch2:

Nothing to do that you are familiar with...

No making noise... :tape:
Oh! what a terrible state of affairs :whoo:

and how different form the noise and pollution back home!!!

 

[Brahmanyan]

From my personal experience I can say living in the west is primarily a nightmare for one single reason- I miss home whenever I stay there for a prolonged period. I just cant barge into a neighbour's house and spend time. Social life isnt interesting for the aged Indians who have lived all their life in India. I am not attracted by the comforts of the west, as I was never used to them even when I could afford it in India. Even standing in queues is not a headache for me, as I am used to standing in long ration queues as a kid. There were times when I stood for a whole night just to get the rice provided by the government( during the food shortage days- courtesy Bhaktavatsalam ).

Dirty as the Chennai railway station is , I am still excited by the smell of the train and the eagerness to travel in train, buying food from the stopover stations and spicing up the curd rice packed by wife for the journey.

Nothing beats India as far as I am concerned and there is no question of me becoming retired hurt in some far far away land. My breath shall leave only in India and no where else!

In India I was born and I am happy to embrace the same fate as the rest of Indians but nowhere else I shall go.

Dear Sri Subbudu,

Yes, I do understand your feelings. I have lived abroad for eight years, I know how it is. During my annual vacation, I used to travel by Air India (in spite of its bad rating) to feel the warmth of my motherland when I step in. With all the inconvenience and draw backs, I cannot live any where else. Our roots are in this Country only, and in all other places we are treated second class citizens only.

Warm Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[sadasivam.sridharan]

The other reason for the retired oldies to feel bored in foreign land is the dependence on the youngsters for long distance outings.It is not that easy as you hop into an auto or city bus as we are used to in our country,roam around and return home.When we are in western countries,you have to depend on our children to take us out in their car every time we feel like moving out of the house and explore the place around.Though the children normally oblige to do this service to the elders,it becomes rather delicate to ask them as they toil the whole week with their office work and would like to relax at home in the evenings or during the week ends.

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear B,

While I am 100% in agreement with you re feelings for india, I personally that, not necessarily, we are treated as second class citizens elsewhere.

It all depends on where you move to outside of india. And who we consider ‘we’. If it our generation, immigrating elsewhere, again, it depends. Or our children brought up outside of india.

For example I have moved to Canada, and I should confess having experienced prejudice and pitfalls during my intial years. There are many reasons for it, which I would detail another time, if requested or warranted.

But to my children, Canada is a land not only of equal opportunity, but also where they can grow to their full potential.

Much as I personally support quotas in education/employment in india, I feel, my children would be aghast at such policies, as they were brought up in a society which believes in absolute equality of opportunity, by law, and by & large increasingly non racial. They are largely ignorant of the historical inequalities of Indian society, and would have no sympathy, I think, for state sponsored favouritism.

Re the general feeling among some Indians, that the moment we step out of india, we become ‘second class citizens’….

Someone can ask me, ‘can your son or daughter be a prime minister of Canada?’. with straight face, I can say, that he/she has a better chance to be Canada’s PM than a tambram has a chance to be India’s PM. What more do you expect in terms of being accepted as 1st class citizenry?

infact, using the numbers game smartly, and living in grouped ethnic neighbourhoods, south asians have more presence in various canadian legislatures, than the chinese community, who are about the same numbers as us.

Having said all this, I think, our tambram culture is so different and we are so ‘culture conscious of our difference’ re food, smells, habits, and so many such things, that we are not an easy fit anywhere. Why sometimes even in parts of tamil nadu. i think, maybe, it is our inherent insular sense that prevents us from experiencing யாதும் ஊரே யாவரும் கேளிர். i am not saying this is wrong or right. it is just the way i see it. we will feel 'strangers' everywhere except our own village or town.

Again, like all generalizations, this too is flawed. But I am painting a broad brush, which I feel comfortable applying to our community.

hope this sort of explains....

 

[B.Krishnamurthy]

Recently I saw either in YouTube or TV programme youngest lady tamilian MP in CANADA( perhaps from Ceylon)mixing freely with people of different race.Every person who migrate to other country and acquire citizenship of that country should be like that lady.