Tamil Brahmins marriage

[valli]

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The girl could have done it better. She should not have sat on her father's lap putting her full weight knowing his condition. She could have sat very lightly putting a little strain on her legs. After all the whole exercise is over in a few minutes and a little pain on the girl's part could have saved her father the trouble. Need is for common sense.

Why do we need to cling on to this outdated habit anymore? It does not matter when both the girl and her father are happy about this and don't have any problem with it. But the main point is when this particular custom comes as a great inconvenience to girls who have lost their father.

How many girls will find it comfortable (in mind) to sit on one's சித்தப்பா or பெரியப்பா's lap let alone feel "proud" about it???

 

[Raji Ram]

............ hotels in TN serve a number of dishes with cheese. ........

Here is the hot favorite in SingArach Chennai.... CHEESE DOSA!

 

[amala]

How many girls will find it comfortable (in mind) to sit on one's சித்தப்பா or பெரியப்பா's lap let alone feel "proud" about it???

Well since you did ask dear Valli, I would . I think it really depends how comfortable one is with their uncles, how close knit a family is and so on. But i agree that nobody should be forced to do anything they don't want or feel uncomfortable with in the name of custom.

 

[Raji Ram]

In a wedding in our close circle of relatives, the bride was brought up by her periamma in a very orthodox way. She has not seen

her father often nor has any closeness with him. So she refused to sit on that stranger - father's lap during her wedding! Poor

guy stood just behind the chair in which the girl was sitting. He was NOT allowed even to touch the chair! :nono:

 

[valli]

Dear Amala

Well since you did ask dear Valli, I would . I think it really depends how comfortable one is with their uncles, how close knit a family is and so on.

Good on you Amala. While I truly respect your view allow me to share some more;

(This I am sharing after seeing first hand what my first cousin went through.)

One will never know what they are going to go through and feel until they are in the actual situation. In most cases, after the demise of the father, it is the mother who bears all the brunt. She goes through a tough time pulling herself up and running the family as normal as possible. Usually the Periappa or Chittappa or whoever is only an onlooker. Members who have experienced this will mostly agree with me.

After going through all this, when the marriage events proceed, it is truly frustating for the girl (or boy) to see their mum sidelined and the 'Chittappa and Chitti' or 'Periappa and Periamma' occupying centre stage and getting all the (undue) importance. Or in the case of what Shri. Sangom mentioned (about the widowed father) the father getting sidelined. If by lucky chance the girl has an older brother who is married and he is the one who conducts the marriage, then that is a different story.

The girl or boy never gets asked about their preference regarding this custom. In the above mentioned circumstances, they experience desperation and unspoken anger.

I request everyone who reads this to introspect and bring a good change.

Kind regards

 

[Raghy]

Sowbagyavathy Valli, Greetings.

The girl or boy never gets asked about their preference regarding this custom.

I suggest you to replace the word 'often' to the word 'never', please. I know of a situation where the widowed mother reared the children. It must have been very hard. In the said situation, that mother is not sidelined. Widowhood not withstanding, that lady was requested to purchase 'Thirumangalyam'. At least one ritual gets cancelled due to the absence of father.

I request everyone who reads this to introspect and bring a good change.

I second your words. I know, changes are happening.

Cheers!

 

[kunjuppu]

valli,

i can vouch for my extended family in chennai.

i have women in the family, widowed, who have raised their kids. all of them, in their 50s, dress to the tip, including nice silk saris or churidhars, good fashion jewellery and bottu etc.

which is indeed a welcome and the right thing.

one recent marriage, the widowed mother was there right through and through. the proverbial periappa gave away the bride, but barring that everyone knew and respected only the bride's mother.

i have exhorted many of these women to find another spouse. almost 100% demurred. not due to social reasons. many of them have had restricted or bad marriages, and looked upon widowhood, as an indirect gift from God, for a second chance in life, to be themselves.

many a times, atleast till 30 years ago, girls' parents never realized the shock, surprise (unpleasant mostly) and the lifestyle change, these girls had to go through, particularly in a joint family household. so, when today girls, refer to the prospective fil/dil as perisu or pisasu, i can understand their fear - which probably was passed on to the girls, and reinforced, by their mothers

 

[2513799sanvin]

கண்டிப்பாக வேண்டும் ! ஏன்னெறால் ஒரு தகப்பன் தன் மகளை தன் மடியில் வைத்து தன் மருமகனுக்கு தாரை வார்த்து கொடுப்பது என்பது பூர்வஜென்ம புண்ணியமா கருதப்படுகிறது.

 

[kunjuppu]

கண்டிப்பாக வேண்டும் ! ஏன்னெறால் ஒரு தகப்பன் தன் மகளை தன் மடியில் வைத்து தன் மருமகனுக்கு தாரை வார்த்து கொடுப்பது என்பது பூர்வஜென்ம புண்ணியமா கருதப்படுகிறது.

please provide references, to support your arguement. thank you.

 

[sangom]

கண்டிப்பாக வேண்டும் ! ஏன்னெறால் ஒரு தகப்பன் தன் மகளை தன் மடியில் வைத்து தன் மருமகனுக்கு தாரை வார்த்து கொடுப்பது என்பது பூர்வஜென்ம புண்ணியமா கருதப்படுகிறது.

ஸ்ரீ ஸன்வின்,

பெண்ணை தாரை (என்றால் நீரை ஒரே சீராக - தாரையாக - வீழ்த்துவது) வார்த்துக் கொடுப்பது ஒரு புண்யகார்யமாகக் கருதப்பட்டது உண்மை தான். ஆனால் அது பழைய காலத்தில்; பெண் ருதுவாவதர்க்கு முன்பே கல்யாணம் பண்ணிவிட வேண்டும் என்ற தர்மசாஸ்திரத்தை கடைபிடித்துக்கொண்டிருந்த காலம். தானம் செய்வதே ஒரு நல்லகார்யமாகத்தானே நம் ஹிந்து மதம் சொல்கிறது? அதில் கன்யாதானமும் ஒன்று, அவ்வளவு தான்.

தகப்பன் தன் மடியில் உட்கார்த்திக்கொண்டு தான் கன்யாதானம் செய்யவேண்டும் என்று ஒரு சாச்திரத்திலும் இருப்பதாகத் தெரியவில்லை. அது தான் இங்கு சர்ச்சை செய்துகொண்டிருக்கும் விஷயமே.

 

[ramanasukumar]

Hello to all persons in this thread.

Now a days brahmins marriages have changed lot.

there is no mappillai azhaippu. nichayathaartham in the morning and reception in the previous day evening before marriage day, curtailed mantras to the convenient of participants, nalangu attended by only close family members, first night not on the same day even if it is on the same day not in the mantapam and next day kattu saadham no takers.

But one thing eventhough rituals have been curtailed but the expenditure is lavish.
For kalyana mantapam itself the cost will be around 5 lakhs. The food spend for the marriage is unnecessary. The reception is more expensive than marriage. the bride groom hide her orignal face in the excessive make-up and the couples will stand for 5 to 6 hrs. with artifical smiles in their faces to welcome guests.
For the reception so many food items have been kept and you can see all types of food items such as salad, soup, paani poori, north indian, south indian, dosa, roti, rice, sambar, rasam, ice cream etc. etc. Most of the items will be wasted by the guests.

If one type of customs have gone another type customs are brooming up in *******.

but in earlier marriage we have seen full of fun, cooperation, excitement etc. but these are missing in current marriages. Most of the people attend marriage at the time of lunch only.

let customs and rituals may change but if the basic value in marraiges change what is the use.

 

[kunjuppu]

Hello to all persons in this thread.

Now a days brahmins marriages have changed lot.

there is no mappillai azhaippu. nichayathaartham in the morning and reception in the previous day evening before marriage day, curtailed mantras to the convenient of participants, nalangu attended by only close family members, first night not on the same day even if it is on the same day not in the mantapam and next day kattu saadham no takers.

But one thing eventhough rituals have been curtailed but the expenditure is lavish.
For kalyana mantapam itself the cost will be around 5 lakhs. The food spend for the marriage is unnecessary. The reception is more expensive than marriage. the bride groom hide her orignal face in the excessive make-up and the couples will stand for 5 to 6 hrs. with artifical smiles in their faces to welcome guests.
For the reception so many food items have been kept and you can see all types of food items such as salad, soup, paani poori, north indian, south indian, dosa, roti, rice, sambar, rasam, ice cream etc. etc. Most of the items will be wasted by the guests.

If one type of customs have gone another type customs are brooming up in *******.

but in earlier marriage we have seen full of fun, cooperation, excitement etc. but these are missing in current marriages. Most of the people attend marriage at the time of lunch only.

let customs and rituals may change but if the basic value in marraiges change what is the use.

sukumar,

i beg to disagree with the fun part. i have attended almost a wedding a year in chennai, past 7 years. agreed each one, beats the other in spending. the last one, the mandapam was i think 8 lakhs a day + probably another 2 lakhs a day for non stop air conditioning

but the fun part. it exists and probably without tension and sambandhi sandai of yore. ofcourse, the weddings i attended, were the moneyed class, with even the now discrepit kanimozhi gracing one function.

there is is mehendi with its dancing and koothu. some sneak bar of beer and whiskey in. all in all wholesale tamasha.

the mappillais in toronto come on goda. which looks anyday better than coming in a car

the groom & bride, are dolled up for 6 hours, so what? are they not fulfilling a function ie to meet and greet all the well wishers - it just goes to show that there are a lot of well wishers and thats it.

nowadays, past 3 weddings, instead of nalangu, there was a veda parayanam, each parayaner more hitlerish than the previous one. the nice post afternoon wedding lunch reward of a nap was forcibly deprived, by the mandatory attendance demanded by the parayaners, who literally crucified the parayanees out of their slumber, and into quiz sessions, to ensure that we were paying attention

so, all in all, there is more fun these days. except of a different kind understood?

 

[saarangam]

Reception precedes marriage and this is not the right way. Even before marriage, the couple are congratulated for getting 'married' though the actual marriage would take place the next day.

Nowadays even the nischayathampoolam (taking place much earlier than the marriage) is conducted as a mini marriage. So what to say about the reception on the previous day?

 

[kunjuppu]

Nowadays even the nischayathampoolam (taking place much earlier than the marriage) is conducted as a mini marriage. So what to say about the reception on the previous day?

the world is changing. along with it, we are changing. if someone wants to hold on to what is past, hopefully they do not cause grief to their loved ones, who wish to move with the flow. i am not saying, what is happening now is correct, same as, what was happening in the past was also correct. 500 years ago, our customs were probably quite different. we dont know