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My Pursuit - 2 (Redefining what I thought needs to be done)

a-TB

Well-known member
PV,

I for one cannot remember all the details of an auto biography type of a post. It is also not possible to read large number of posts because we are all under pressure of too much information in our lives. I just wanted a summary once in a while of your posts. Are you feeling OK? Do you have a plan for a career and a path forward. You have gone from opening Veda classes to family/personal/professional issues to even thinking of buying a brothel if I remember right.

Hence my question was one of genuine concern. Hope you find the peace you are seeking and it is not in the outside world
 
OP
K

Krishnan.vp

Active member
My Mistake

a-TB sir,

Things are clearing up a bit. It was my mistake. I had gotten carried away with the promise of Assam. I wanted to have as close as possible to a normal life that I could achieve. I also wanted to have a family and good kids. So I did the most asinine thing for a person in my position to do.

I stopped my 100mg of Amisulpride (lowest possible and therapeutically insignificant in the doctors words)

I thought that I had been well for more than 5 years and would probably fly away with it. But nope.

I had stopped my meds in Feb 2020. As early as 1st week of April 2020, my relapse occured (yarrawoonga - you can check my posts) and I was overwhelmed with paranoia that the americans are watching me all the time. All the posts between then and now should show this tinge and a hint of anger. Although all the posts are true representations of what happened and are facts, the import or understanding of how things happened is different between you and me. I think that the americans influenced everything. But to you, it might seem interesting that it happened.

I somehow tried to find help by myself and found a doctor and proper medication again. So as of July I am on 400mg of Amisulpride and a lot more stable than in April.

Unfortunately, Assam was on the phone with me during the initial stages of my relapse and realized that the paranoia was a bit much for her to take. She has now left.

I cannot blame her for her choice. She had said that she will be miserable for life if she were to marry me. All the nice things that had happened and our talks all disappeared into thin air in the space of 3 months. But just like a beggar can only feel hunger, I, a prodigy of paranoia, can only feel pain and hurt.

But yes.

Its my mistake.
 
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OP
K

Krishnan.vp

Active member
Education Does NOT Result in Enlightenment

The following was an email I sent to my classmate. He turned it around and said that I can send it to all my classmates. He does not agree with it and is happy the way things are..

*************************************************

From: "Krishnan P"<[email protected]>
Sent: Sat, 04 Jul 2020 17:54:57
To: "Joel R"<[email protected]>
Subject: Macha.. please give a really slow and thorough reading.

Dei.. please read slowly two or three times. I will call on Sunday. Will also post it to our friends after our talk on sunday to see if anyone else is interested in this fight.

I like movies.. So lets start cinematically..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKitcwwx7Rg

So you see joel.. there are bigger problems going on in this world than merely the fight for supremacy between dravidians and so called upper caste brahmins. The Americans are waiting at the door and so are many more. If they enter, the americans will pander sex and money to destroy our culture as we know it. You probably already know about the netflix and amazon prime produced web series. They have already started sponsoring movies and its only a matter of time before they introduce american sex into mainstream cinema and destroy our culture. Therefore, it is a very critical time for us to take matters into our hands and force our own Indian destiny.

My thoughts

It is now the turn of the 21st century and we are now handed the ball. We have a choice. Whether we still want to fight for brahmin or dravidian supremacy or we can join hands and become the next century’s leaders like Singapore and other countries have proven to be in this century.


What I want to do

I want to re-establish a proper justice system and a proper kingdom with a righteous king. We Indians were no fools to have followed kings for eons together. Just like the Australians respect the aborigines as the owners of the land, we should also start respecting our indian culture which has allowed so many cultures to flourish within it.. including jainism, buddhism, islam and christianity.

We as children of such a great society have to make the example of Singapore (so called as a red dot) into the reality of our states future where people can live together happily.

To do this, everyone in our society has to go back to do what they were good at. This should be done without fighting for the claim of being upper caste. This means the brahmins have to go back to temples. There will be no poor people, beggars or lower castes.. Just people doing their everyday jobs. And each person is well trained in his job. It will not be easy, we are now, in this generation forced to seek out the right kshatriya not by birth but by his ethics. Therefore, we will not and cannot go back to ‘by birth’ philosophy. This will take time and will not happen in our life times.. but let us try to give our children a better future.

Please give it a thought.. what I have said is true.. Anyone who can grapple with public opinion is king in a democracy so unscrupulous people who do not know anything about righteousness, justice and valour come to power and ruin our society.

If democracy works in the west, well, I am happy for them.

But India has flourished, but only, not for the last 400 years when we lost our great kings. None of our kings were dictators like there were in the west. Because all were trained in their particular arts by educated brahmins who kept the justice system balanced while the other classes worked for the betterment of community and trade.


What I want you to do

I want you to be my king.

I will be the brahmin, a minister and you will be the kshatriya, my king.

I have travelled a lot in my last 40 years of life and I have not seen a better person than you to wield the balance of justice in our broken system. You know I am going to stand in the elections for BJP. I request you to please stand along with me in the 2021 elections.

Its ok if you stand for DMK or AIADMK or Vijayakanth.

But please stand. You have your business so you can find support from someone to run it and balance your family requirements till (IF) we win. Ideally, I also want Sambath (he is definitely wasting time in BSNL) our panruti (he is a PhD, good for our society) to also stand on their own party lines. But I need you to be captain before I put together the team.

Please stand. If you dont and only I stand, we risk going back to the situation where there will be another DMK uprising in the next thirty years and just like the ending sequence of Kuruthi Punal, the whole story will repeat.

We will try to win our own seats using our own party symbols but our aim is to bring together the greatest of all parties and take our culture into the daylight of tomorrow. We will merge the best ideas of DMK, Amma’s plans from AIADMK and welfare schemes of BJP and we will make sure that our state is a lot more than the red dot called singapore. (I do hope Singapore stands out as a beacon for eons to come)

Please think. Please stand. If nothing.. let us atleast try to save our society.
But remember.

If we go the way of american sponsored sexual deviances, democracy and death to islam. The above will never happen. Inayath Khaleel in KGF has already sent his boats with gold to Mumbai’s shores and we still do not have a Rocky to fight him. I am only PV. A brahmin.

pv
 
OP
K

Krishnan.vp

Active member
Remembering Yarrawoonga.. RIP Neil Davis

Remember Yarrawoonga?? the place which started my last relapse? Yes.. I was just thinking about it and googled the guy who I was assigned as security guard to in the aged care centre.

His name was Neil Davis. I did not know it until recently.. it seems this guy was the Dhoni of the state of Victoria in the 80s. He had become paranoid in his old age and had to be watched.. resulting in my being hired. I did not know much about him even though the people in the centre talked bits and pieces about him. I learnt only now after I googled his name and found that.. he passed away in June. You can google Neil Davis Yarrawoonga to know more.


I was lucky to have met his wife Raelene and one of his daughters (think it was tracy but not sure). Even through paranoia he referred to his wife as ray and loved his family. It is sad what people have to go through in their life.
 
OP
K

Krishnan.vp

Active member
Rental Women


Its 9.30pm. I landed in Delhi in the midst of the corona outbreak last week Friday. I had taken a chartered flight from melbourne as there were no other flights available. Surprisingly, I had gained clarity only a week before the flight. At Delhi airport, I had told the doctor that I was schizophrenic and was on 600 mg amisulpride and showed him Dr.Wong’s diagnosis. He immediately stamped me for home quarantine and showed me the way out. Otherwise I would have had to take hotel quarantine in Delhi for which I would have had to pay. I took the next flight to chennai and came home.

I started on saturday and have been doing job applications in my hunt for work. Its tuesday night now, three days later. I already have two connects, one with CTS and another with Bombardier but nothing has materialised yet. I am pretty sure I am going to make above 20 Lakhs if I get either of the two. But still. I am unable to sleep. No its not the loans that I have to repay. I somehow know I will take care of them in due time. I just need a job and my pay is usually good.

Its been forever since my first break from reality and the broken marriage. It had been very painful and her words took a long time to dissipate. When assam came I thought the bad parts were all over and things were going to be normal again. It thought so because she knew. She knew my problem. I told her everything so I do not end up hurting her if she finds out from someone else. She had felt for my state and said that all I needed was care. But I guess it was too much for her too.

Dont call me. I will be miserable for the rest of my life if I married you. She had said. I had been paranoid at that time this happened and so did not understand that she was serious. Through my paranoia, I thought it was going to be like one of our multiple earlier fights. Somehow we always started talking again. I had thought she will come back once the americans were gone, once the cameras and hidden microphones were gone. But you see there were none. And she was serious. She was only a girl after all and a person can only handle so much.

But what about me?

I do need a companion do I not? Someone to talk to. Someone to share my inner most feelings with. Someone to kid around and cuddle.

And if normal women cannot handle the reality of my life, then where will I go?

There must be some female who can give me succor.




Rental women?
 

a-TB

Well-known member
My Mistake

a-TB sir,

Things are clearing up a bit. It was my mistake. I had gotten carried away with the promise of Assam. I wanted to have as close as possible to a normal life that I could achieve. I also wanted to have a family and good kids. So I did the most asinine thing for a person in my position to do.

I stopped my 100mg of Amisulpride (lowest possible and therapeutically insignificant in the doctors words)

I thought that I had been well for more than 5 years and would probably fly away with it. But nope.

I had stopped my meds in Feb 2020. As early as 1st week of April 2020, my relapse occured (yarrawoonga - you can check my posts) and I was overwhelmed with paranoia that the americans are watching me all the time. All the posts between then and now should show this tinge and a hint of anger. Although all the posts are true representations of what happened and are facts, the import or understanding of how things happened is different between you and me. I think that the americans influenced everything. But to you, it might seem interesting that it happened.

I somehow tried to find help by myself and found a doctor and proper medication again. So as of July I am on 400mg of Amisulpride and a lot more stable than in April.

Unfortunately, Assam was on the phone with me during the initial stages of my relapse and realized that the paranoia was a bit much for her to take. She has now left.

I cannot blame her for her choice. She had said that she will be miserable for life if she were to marry me. All the nice things that had happened and our talks all disappeared into thin air in the space of 3 months. But just like a beggar can only feel hunger, I, a prodigy of paranoia, can only feel pain and hurt.

But yes.

Its my mistake.
Dear PV,

We all make mistakes. Who has not done so in this life? The key is to get up when you fall down. We all had to do that when we learnt to walk.

Brain is just another organ and if it needs ongoing medications so be it. Unless there are side effects you may want to continue. Hope you always have the care of a competent and trustworthy doctor.

The lady that you 'lost' may come back if she sees you back to normal life. Or someone else may appear in your life. Here are my suggestions and they are said out of compassion than intent to advice.

++ No need to try to change the world etc. You can help the world only when you are fine, not just medically but in terms of your own inner self.
++ Rather than go and try to protect Veda or any such thing, first try to get a decent job, make peace with all near and dear regardless of what they did to you or what you perceive was done to you. Do this unconditionally and with love.
++ I recently studied a bit on what is Karma Yoga - it is really brilliant. Karma is NOT Karma Yoga. Yoga has all to do with attitude of service (to a larger cause and/Or Lord) of whatever work (Karma) you do

Just stay with the above aspects only. Rental women are born out of exploitative life and you dont want to be furthering that. To deal with hormones stick with perhaps porn for now . I know that is not a suggestion that is normally made in respectable circles because it is result of exploitation too but it is better than rental women. In your case that may be an antidote for a temporary measure (please do not get addicted to it).

Beyond that spend time in enjoying the job alone and over time things will fall into place

All the best,
 
OP
K

Krishnan.vp

Active member
I do understand what you are trying to communicate and will try to take appropriate steps to help myself.

Porn is like a tablet of valium.. the more you take it, the lesser time passes before you need another shot. Then you end up wasted and not knowing what to do.

Anyways, I am seriously looking for a job right now. My 14 days quarantine after I returned to India ended last friday. This is the first Monday after that. I know my market value in terms of salary in India is around 1.5 lakhs per month if the job is in Bangalore. I am also trying with IIT where the salary might be much lower (around 60-70k) but there might be job satisfaction since I will be doing research instead of random, supposedly meaningful, work which is not much more than shovelling shit. This is my personal view with respect to so called technical architect, senior project manager, program manager and other such high profile jobs that I have worked in when compared to some research jobs in a few government labs and IITs.

I am also going to put a link to this thread on shaadi and bharatmatrimony. See if I get a partner who understands..

Lets see a-TB sir... Lets see if tomorrow is better.
 
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K

Krishnan.vp

Active member
Realization - Winding the clock back again



As I sit down on yet another pointless evening trying to share my thoughts.. I realize the effects of these godforsaken medicines on my thinking yet again. I had been very clear when I started writing back in 2016/17 time frame. Thats because 2015 was when I had last come out of paranoia and I had been drunk with high concentrations of medicine giving me due clarity about what is happening around me. I had at that time realized that the medicines were going to have an effect on my life for all foreseeable future and had decided that marriage was not for me. I had started seeking a worthwhile goal to pursue for an otherwise lost life. Thats when I came upon sanskrit and veda paadashalas.


But as the doctors progressively reduced the medicines, my clarity also dissipated and I started looking at unachievable things as achievable. I am now clearly able to discern that only after I had been reduced from 200mg to 100 mg in a major move that I posted on shaadi looking for a wife. Thats when assam came into the picture and the rainbow started to form. But now I know that 100mg amisulpride is non-therapeutic and is considered to be so for a reason.


I also have another theory that I was not ‘correctly’ cured last time in 2015. i.e. I was not kept on high doses of meds even after I achieved clarity. Now that I am on high dosage even after clarity was obtained, I am beginning to look at a lot of wrong beliefs that I had over the past decade. The idea to continue on high dosage after clarity was obtained was not something new. Dr. Soliappan had said that It was important I stayed on medication for a long period and Dr. Hariram had also pushed me to stay on high doses of risperidone after my first relapse in singapore. But for some reason after my 2014-15 relapse I had not been on high dosage for a long time. I think I was on 400mg amisulpride only for about a month and then it was time for me to leave singapore because HP split and my job was no longer there. In that time period, my dose was quickly reduced to 200mg and I had been on that dose for around 3 years before I decided to try and reduce to 100mg.


My slow slide started the day I switched to 100 mg and not the day I stopped meds altogether. You see my degradation is a slow process, it does not happen over night. Its like a jumbo jetliner. You see jetliners everyday, they dont just fall out of the sky.. even though they loose power or something goes wrong, these giant birds glide for quite a distance and then fall on the ground. They dont fall like a stone dropped from above. Its something similar for me too.


If I look back at the past 5 years. I am reasonably sure that I lost power when I switched to 100 mg at the end of 2018. Thats when the fear of google slowly interlaced itself into my psyche and I started using a plain handset. Not that using a plain handset is bad. I would prefer to use one myself even today because of a lot of things like compact size, loud ringtones and very very long battery life. But with the intermingling of tech with our everyday life.. you really cannot live without uber or whatsapp so you really need a smartphone. Another thing that started in 2018 is that I started to think that I was ok. One of my posts (medical miracle) also points to this line of thought which is a significant change from realization that I am sick and I need the support of medicines. Another distended thinking was the thought that I can get married and have kids. I know for or am almost 90% certain that this particular illness will affect my children and they might also develop a psychotic behaviour of some sort simply because they are exposed to me all their life and kids only learn from their parents. Its not only my thinking. Research also shows that there is a 15% jump in kids developing schiz when one of their parents already has schiz. So given that I already knew this and still went behind assam shows that the medicines had stopped working at that time and I was already on a glide which will inevitably lead to a crash landing.


So what to do with this assessment?? This Realization??


Wind the clock back again. Think that its 2016 and I just landed back in India after singapore break from reality. (I am landing in India after a Australian Break from reality anyhow).. Find some manager job and start earning. Start on the quest for supporting veda padashalas again. Help atleast one kid through his education and youth. This is the only thing I can do for now. As far as marriage, assam and other rainbows.. we will just have to handle them when they appear.
 
OP
K

Krishnan.vp

Active member
Turning point?




Its raining heavily outside. Tomorrow it is deepavali and the day after that, guru peyarchi. It is being said that guru is in a good place for my raasi after 12 years. 12 years. 12 years ago, same time I was engaged and started my journey into the abyss with my first schizophrenic episode. This is the first guru peyarchi after my budhan dasa started. Everyone concurs that my life will be smooth for the next 17 years. ‘It should be..’ they all say. For none would aver that ‘it will be’ after hearing the story of my last 12 years.

But pragmatically, maybe it is a turning point.. somehow in the middle of all my problems and struggles I also seem to have managed to get my dole in australia going and I do have a PR there. Which means that if I can somehow settle the loans here, then I can simply leave for australia and live a quiet life there on dole and disability support.

What will you do in Australia all by yourself? You dont have anyone there – says my psychiatrist in apollo hospitals. She is right. I will be all alone if I go to oz. But atleast it will be a quiet life.

Still, I dont want to go to oz. Somehow, I want to be beside my parents as they struggle through their old age .. fading into nothing. I want to fight against bosch in court. Bring out the lie of flexible work timing which is prevalent all over india and is specifically bent into meaning that everyone is working for 12-13 hours a day. I want my parents to know that atleast I was there beside them even if they do realize that they lost the happiness derived from establishing the next generation. But my father is clear. If you want to go to australia, you go and be happy. Dont worry about us, god will have a way for everyone. He says.. But by saying that, he is only being a good father. It does not make me a good son.

It is said in the movie that the first matrix was designed by the machines to keep everyone happy and that was the primary reason it failed. The human race rejected it. According to Mr. Smith, the human psyche requires sadness and struggle. And thus the current form of the matrix was born. It is something like that. Although I realize that my parents old age and my being a part of it is going to be sad, I still want to experience it and be a part of it. I cannot rather goto oz and live off my life forgetting about everything else.

The thing with movies is that every one pf them portrays the story of a protagonist who struggles a lot initially only to find salvation in the end. Guess my life is not a movie then.. My life was very good till I was 27-28 which was exactly 12 years ago and everything just fell apart. At the present time, I have a loan which I took thinking I will make it rich with a forex investment only to see all my savings disappear into the black hole. Now, after the Nth relapse, I have been lying in bed doing nothing for the past 6 months. No job, No money, heavy medicines and the looming threat of loan collection agents.

But still, the Guru peyarchi gives some hope..

Will I simply drop everything and goto oz and have a quiet life..? Or will I choose to stay with my parents to see them fade away with sadness in their hearts that their eldest failed in life. Or will something else happen to smoothen out everything.. maybe a decent job in chennai, finish off my loans and keep my parents smiling with a modest salary.

will it be a turning point..?
 

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