Brahmin Marriages - Assertiveness/Aggressiveness of Girls - History and introspection

[Jaykay767]

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Hi Jaykay,

The reasons may appear silly to many of us. But doesn't these real life examples provided by Suraju confirm what members like Sankara Sharma and Raghy opined? That the brahmin boys are reticient in comparison with girls and that is one of the main reasons for non-marriage of brahmin men!

No, this case has nothing to do with the boy being reticent. This girl is stupid if she is going to make a decision based on such sillu stuff. She should be more focussed on if he is a good person, has good value system, etc..

In today's world people are more focussed on form than substance & they pay dearly for such decisions !!

 

[suraju06]

Dear Sankara Sarma,

A Boy of age 35 years who is a clerk in a private company or govt., auditor or may be even an engineer aged around 35. He is drawing a salary of around Rs. 35000 P.M
Stays in Chennai, Kumbakonam, Salem , Trichy. Lives with his parents.His father a retired school teacher, govt clerk or a temple priest or sasthirigal. He has bought a small flat/house out of his earnings and may be got his two sisters married. So had no time to think of marriage till now. Would like to live with his parents permanently and support them in their old age. Has no intention of moving out of Chennai, Kumbakonam, Trichy or Salem.Religious, does santhyavandanam with Pancha patra (not under the tap in th bath room). Believes in the words of the Acharyas, Vedas, scriptures implicitly. Sattvic to a fault, good natured (except when you question the scriptures and the Acharyas), Mild mannered, and generally liked by every one. He believes in the superiority of the Brahmins and does not believe that material prosperity or fame is the ultimate end in life. By and large contented. These boys are finding it almost impossible to get married.

I know quite a few such boys and they have also succeeded in getting a girl to marry. They were all down to earth realistic. They were willing to make compromises. They were ready to marry girls who were just SSLC passed, not very fair some times even positively dark in color, from poor families in which the parents were not having enough money to spend for the marriage etc., They knew they may have to work hard to make these girls come to the level of suave city living well educated girls. Yet they took the risk and married them and brought them to the metros and they have never regretted their decision. The girls too are happy. This is the first part of my reply. Now coming to the second part:

(1)Living with parents and supporting them in old age is not frowned upon by all modern educated girls either. They expect only a better understanding of their circumstances as different from those of a girl who is an unemployed housewife. They are time poor and hence demands an understanding from the inlaws.
(2)Most of the tabras living in cities do not live in sprawling bunglaws or 4 bedroom designer apartments. They live a happy and contented life within the walls of a small flat/house. So but for a rare exception or two, the girls are accepting the circumstances in which they will have to live sportively.
(3)A 35 years old boy should be happy with a girl of 34 or 33 years and should not look for a girl in her twenties. A salary of 35000 is enough for a couple with one child to live happily supporting even old parents. I have not come across a girl who says 35000 is peanuts.
(4)Being religious is welcome as long as it does not become a fetish. You are within your rights to practice your daily nithyakarmAnushtAnam as long as you do not wear it on your sleeves. When you do that you are trespassing into the territory of your wife's private space. Even SaupAthika sEshathvam is possible only when you have a consenting upAthi!! If the girl is equally pious then it is great and you have no problem whatsoever. Over a period of time you can teach her the scriptures and when she gets the knowledge of her swarUpam she may become a perfectly consenting upAthi of you in your spiritual endeavor.

I repeat, such boys too get married. Only they are required to make a sincere search. The boys of this category who all got married (mentioned by me in the beginning of this post) are a happy lot and I see them whizzing past in their Mobikes with these girls in their colorful 9 cubit sarees.

These people are the back bone of our community. They represent Brahminical values which we have all forgotten. The question is how do we help them. These people rarely if ever post here. They are shocked by the posts of people like me.

I do not know how they become the backbones. Your understanding of what is saatvik values needs a revision. They have chosen a line of profession consciously and so they are rarely shocked by the posts here. They just do not bother.

Or how the world has passed them by and that they are fools. Do not add insult to injury.

I think there is no need to get excited or emotional about this. The community knows that they are not fools. There is no intention to insult any one.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Dear Sankara Sarma,

I know quite a few such boys and they have also succeeded in getting a girl to marry. They were all down to earth realistic. They were willing to make compromises. They were ready to marry girls who were just SSLC passed, not very fair some times even positively dark in color, from poor families in which the parents were not having enough money to spend for the marriage etc., They knew they may have to work hard to make these girls come to the level of suave city living well educated girls. Yet they took the risk and married them and brought them to the metros and they have never regretted their decision. The girls too are happy.

You are talking about boys bringing the girls to metropolitan cities. I am talking about Boys who do not want to move out of Trichy, Kumabakonam, Salem and other smaller places.

You are talking about Boys who want to "work hard to make these girls come to the level of suave city living well educated girls". I am talking about boys who do not want that. They need a sahadharmini a term not very popular now.

These boys do not whizz around in mobikes. The maximum they may have is a Bicycle.

I am talking about girls who would understand the religious practices of a typical Brahmin. And help in those religious practices (which you have called a Fetish). Help the father in Law in his daily Puja and Homa.

The feedback from the many swayamvarams which Praveen conducted with *** two years back cofirms my statement. There were a number of discussions about this then.

A swallow does not make a summer.

If you had read those threads you would not have posted this now.

The easiest way to solve any problem is to deny its existence.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Sri Raju,

Earlier in another thread you had called Vedic Chant the Brahminic tradition which UNESCO had proclaimed a Masterpiece of the Oral and Intangible Heritage of Humanity on November 7, 2003 as only a memorizing technique.


Now you are talking about religious practices becoming a Fetish, a term which even the Thi. Ka do not use. This term is never used for Hindu religious practices.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetishism.

Even die hard Hindu haters never used the term Fetishism for Hindu Religious practices.

It is an insult to Hinduism.

Sri Vidya and Devi Upasana is a well known tradition which many Brahmins practice. Aupasana is another which some practice.

Just because you do not accept such well known and honored Hindu practices and may be because they are not in your tradition does not make them a fetish.

 

[tks]

Many parents have both boys and girls. There is nothing to generalize about TB girls and their parents.
Many girls from lower to upper class families tend to have higher education these days compared to few decades ago.
By tradition in an arranged marriage a girl (and her parents, brothers and sisters) looks for in an alliance someone who is going to successful (good husband, a bit older, someone they can boast to others about today). But since they are better educated they are unable to accept a step down in their search. This is understandable. So they may stay not get married or find someone from another community.

'Law of natural selection' sort of operates even among humans. Capitalistic system will wipe out the weak ones also.

I went to a primary through high school which had mostly TB children. We all came from ordinary middle class families. Because we are in touch with most of them (thanks to forums and other technology) I know how we all turned out. Everyone we found - boy or girl - has turned out to be very successful - many distinguished at National and some at International level. From my own section of 30 children we have 5 CEOs/Chairman of medium to very large enterprise. There are 5 professors both in India and abroad in Ivy League and other schools. Many are Doctors, Engineers and in Senior Management (Government like Secy etc).

Required assertiveness and strength to succeed came along the way.

So this idea that TB boys are unassertive etc is not my experience.

Learning to recite some Mantras do not make anyone docile. If they are taught to obey and recite 'blah blah' for hours on end I can understand a child losing ability to think.

I am sure there are boys in deep south of India who are discriminated for being classified as Brahmins. They may lack support structure to come up. This reflects in low accomplishments and with rigid selection criteria they are unable to find spouses.

While the problem is likely to be real the root cause is due to imaginary conditions imposed, in my view. There are no such things (I am not seeking agreement from anyone) that there are something called Brahminical values. There are Guna Brahmanas and such people exist in any community.

If someone wants to maintain their ethnic purity (to quote President Carter who got into trouble for that phrase) in my book that is fine. If they want to think they are superior that is fine too provided they do not put anyone else down (and if they did they will face consequences in life). But it will be unfortunate if a boy or girl is not getting alliance in order for them to maintain an ethnic purity.

My suggestion to anyone who has tried to search for 3 years (to maintain ethnic purity) and unsuccessful and anyone who is over 30: Drop the imaginary restrictions. Go beyond your community and find an alliance.

B.Gita and our scriptures do not teach us about weakness. Ahimsa is not for the weak. Being assertive is a required trait for living. One has to go beyond 'chanting without understanding' and learn the principles taught in our scriptures and B.Gita. That should be a tremendous source of strength. With that one can find a suitable spouse.

All the best the poster who started this thread.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Dear Shri Sharmah,

The boys of the type you refer to have to first widen their search; instead of insisting on sub-sect, non-sagotra, matching horoscope, minimum educational qualificationetc., these boys should also consider girls from other cross-sections like gurukkals, archakar or, even vegetarian Saiva Pillai families. Otherwise, it will be really impossible for them to get married, imo.

Thank you, Sri. Sangom,

I agree. We have discussed this often in the past.

But to come out of this dilemma these boys have to become more assertive and pick up the courage to think of the alternatives suggested by you.

I only wish some of our Acharyas would realize the situation and advise them in this regard. Paramacharya did advise about giving up sub castes and I have been told that he even suggested saGotra marriages where the girl is not a Dhayathi.

When I was looking for a girl for my son, we wanted a girl from one of these Families who were leading a very traditional life. A dream daughter in law. Very few families were even willing to consider an alliance with a city based, westernized Brahmin like us. But we would have still succeeded but for the horoscope matching.

By God's grace we have a daughter in law from a very conservative family. They are not really traditional. But the girl accepts our religious practices, appreciates them and supports my son in his quest.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Many parents have both boys and girls. There is nothing to generalize about TB girls and their parents.
Many girls from lower to upper class families tend to have higher education these days compared to few decades ago.
By tradition in an arranged marriage a girl (and her parents, brothers and sisters) looks for in an alliance someone who is going to successful (good husband, a bit older, someone they can boast to others about today). But since they are better educated they are unable to accept a step down in their search. This is understandable. So they may stay not get married or find someone from another community.

'Law of natural selection' sort of operates even among humans. Capitalistic system will wipe out the weak ones also.
I went to a primary through high school which had mostly TB children. We all came from ordinary middle class families. Because we are in touch with most of them (thanks to forums and other technology) I know how we all turned out. Everyone we found - boy or girl - has turned out to be very successful - many distinguished at National and some at International level. From my own section of 30 children we have 5 CEOs/Chairman of medium to very large enterprise. There are 5 professors both in India and abroad in Ivy League and other schools. Many are Doctors, Engineers and in Senior Management (Government like Secy etc).
Required assertiveness and strength to succeed came along the way.
So this idea that TB boys are unassertive etc is not my experience.
Learning to recite some Mantras do not make anyone docile. If they are taught to obey and recite 'blah blah' for hours on end I can understand a child losing ability to think.
I am sure there are boys in deep south of India who are discriminated for being classified as Brahmins. They may lack support structure to come up. This reflects in low accomplishments and with rigid selection criteria they are unable to find spouses.
While the problem is likely to be real the root cause is due to imaginary conditions imposed, in my view. There are no such things (I am not seeking agreement from anyone) that there are something called Brahminical values. There are Guna Brahmanas and such people exist in any community.
If someone wants to maintain their ethnic purity (to quote President Carter who got into trouble for that phrase) in my book that is fine. If they want to think they are superior that is fine too provided they do not put anyone else down (and if they did they will face consequences in life). But it will be unfortunate if a boy or girl is not getting alliance in order for them to maintain an ethnic purity.
My suggestion to anyone who has tried to search for 3 years (to maintain ethnic purity) and unsuccessful and anyone who is over 30: Drop the imaginary restrictions. Go beyond your community and find an alliance.
B.Gita and our scriptures do not teach us about weakness. Ahimsa is not for the weak. Being assertive is a required trait for living. One has to go beyond 'chanting without understanding' and learn the principles taught in our scriptures and B.Gita. That should be a tremendous source of strength. With that one can find a suitable spouse.
All the best the poster who started this thread.

Thank you, Sri. TKS,

It is not Ethnic Purity which we are trying to preserve. It is not Eugenics. God forbid.

But the Traditional way of Life.

A way of Life I admire. I call it Brahminical because this is a Tamil Brahmins forum. It is in fact a pure Hindu way of life. Where material prosperity, fame etc. are not the qualifying factors for judging a person or his life.

Where there is contentment and happiness. I may be idealizing the situation. Still.

That is why I called these Boys the backbone of our tradition which we call Brahminism. The cultivation of values such as renunciation, charity, chastity, filial duties, and spiritual disciplines.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear S. S. Sir,

You are talking about religious boys not willing to move out to metro cities. Sometimes I feel that we are going back to the

olden times, when the parents searched for 'varans' within their village or just within 30 miles radius from their village.

Now a days, girls settled with good job in cities do not want to move out. In many alliances are dropped because of this

problem in relocation. This is not only in India but in the U S of A too. Many of the boys and girls in our close family circle

had to choose non Indian partners only because of the problem of relocation.


One of my friend's daughter had a job on contract in Singapore and married a well placed groom in Chennai. This boy was

asked to relocate to Singapore to join her and he did so. After the contract was over, she got admission in a Ph.D course

in a reputed institute in Bangalore. Now she wants the boy to quit his good job at Singapore and find a new one in Bangalore!
Right now the girl's parents are giving her company and the boy is hunting for a suitable job. Boys face more stress. :ballchain:


There is a saying 'ராமன் இருக்கும் இடம் அயோத்தி' and hence Sita should go to 'அயோத்தி'. We may have to change it now!!

 

[Raji Ram]

.........
(1) Living with parents and supporting them in old age is not frowned upon by all modern educated girls either. They expect only a better understanding of their circumstances as different from those of a girl who is an unemployed housewife. They are time poor and hence demands an understanding from the inlaws.

(2) Most of the tabras living in cities do not live in sprawling bunglaws or 4 bedroom designer apartments. They live a happy and contented life within the walls of a small flat/house. So but for a rare exception or two, the girls are accepting the circumstances in which they will have to live sportively.

(3) A 35 years old boy should be happy with a girl of 34 or 33 years and should not look for a girl in her twenties. A salary of 35000 is enough for a couple with one child to live happily supporting even old parents. I have not come across a girl who says 35000 is peanuts.

(4) Being religious is welcome as long as it does not become a fetish. You are within your rights to practice your daily nithyakarmAnushtAnam as long as you do not wear it on your sleeves. When you do that you are trespassing into the territory of your wife's private space. Even SaupAthika sEshathvam is possible only when you have a consenting upAthi!! If the girl is equally pious then it is great and you have no problem whatsoever. Over a period of time you can teach her the scriptures and when she gets the knowledge of her swarUpam she may become a perfectly consenting upAthi of you in your spiritual endeavor.
......

Dear Raju Sir,

You are very optimistic!

1. How many percent of girls are willing to live with in-laws, can you say Sir? Even in villages in Kerala, the parents of the

grooms are referred to as 'extra luggage', 'attachments' and sadly 'Rahu - KEthu'!

2. As far as I know, the parents who live in flats send the newly weds to another flat!

3. When a boy earning around 35 K in a village could not find a match even after three years of search, I was suggesting to the

parents to widen their search to other brahmin sects. The the boy is from an affluent family and has good amount of money

fetched by monthly interests too. The graduate girls think only about his salary which they find NOT enough for the family!

4. In a matrimony site, we posted one of the two photos of a boy, with vibuthi on his forehead. Two of the mAmis who contacted

us told that the girls are scared that the boy might be a 'madi sanji'!

I thought a handsome boy, earning 70 K plus in Sing. Chennai, will easily get a match but I AM WRONG!!

 

[suraju06]

Dear Sankara Sarma,

Earlier in another thread you had called Vedic Chant the Brahminic tradition which UNESCO had proclaimed a Masterpiece of the Oral and Intangible Heritage of Humanity on November 7, 2003 as only a memorizing technique.

I said that. I still hold that view. It was not said with any contempt for vedas or their chanting. In fact I chant vedas. I don't need an European to come and tell me what is great in vedas or in my culture and tradition. You may get carried away by such eulogies and you may have a need for that. I agree that the sonorous chanting of vedas are nice and pleasing to hear. But I do not believe if someone is going to tell me that it is good for my spleen, liver or pancreas or that the vibrations are such that they can take me direct to God experience. May be I am one of those ordinary people who are not instruments tuned by God to receive such rapturous energies. But I do not regret that.

Now you are talking about religious practices becoming a Fetish, a term which even the Thi. Ka do not use. This term is never used for Hindu religious practices.
Fetishism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Even die hard Hindu haters never used the term Fetishism for Hindu Religious practices. It is an insult to Hinduism.

The meaning of the word Fetish in English according to Oxford English Dictionary is 1) noun-an object worshiped as having magical powers 2)something given excessive respect. Now please read my earlier post again and then come back to tell me where is the insult in this to Hinduism. I think Hinduism will be far far better if it can be spared from such gladiators who will get on their horseback, wear the blinkers on themselves and charge at the drop of a hat.

Sri Vidya and Devi Upasana is a well known tradition which many Brahmins practice. Aupasana is another which some practice. Just because you do not accept such well known and honored Hindu practices and may be because they are not in your tradition does not make them a fetish.

Sri Vidya or Devi upasana and Aupasana are traditions which I respect. I do not understand why you are bringing them in here.

 

[suraju06]

You are talking about boys bringing the girls to metropolitan cities. I am talking about Boys who do not want to move out of Trichy, Kumabakonam, Salem and other smaller places.

You are talking about Boys who want to "work hard to make these girls come to the level of suave city living well educated girls". I am talking about boys who do not want that. They need a sahadharmini a term not very popular now.

These boys do not whizz around in mobikes. The maximum they may have is a Bicycle.

I am talking about girls who would understand the religious practices of a typical Brahmin. And help in those religious practices (which you have called a Fetish). Help the father in Law in his daily Puja and Homa.

The feedback from the many swayamvarams which Praveen conducted with *** two years back cofirms my statement. There were a number of discussions about this then.

A swallow does not make a summer.

If you had read those threads you would not have posted this now.

Dear Sankara Sarma,

What I have written for those who migrate to cities is mutatis mutandis applicable to those who choose to live in villages too. I do not know which job is available in a village that offers 35000 per month as salary. Come to Chennai I can show you any number of youngsters with tuft and pundram whizzing past in bikes/bicycles with their newly married wide eyed young girls from villages in 9 cubit sarees.

The easiest way to solve any problem is to deny its existence.

Ignorance is ok as long as it remains a bliss but when it is used as a weapon to attack imaginary enemies it is no more bliss.

Cheers.

Cheers.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Dear S. S. Sir,

You are talking about religious boys not willing to move out to metro cities. Sometimes I feel that we are going back to the

olden times, when the parents searched for 'varans' within their village or just within 30 miles radius from their village.

Now a days, girls settled with good job in cities do not want to move out. In many alliances are dropped because of this

problem in relocation. This is not only in India but in the U S of A too. Many of the boys and girls in our close family circle

had to choose non Indian partners only because of the problem of relocation.


One of my friend's daughter had a job on contract in Singapore and married a well placed groom in Chennai. This boy was

asked to relocate to Singapore to join her and he did so. After the contract was over, she got admission in a Ph.D course

in a reputed institute in Bangalore. Now she wants the boy to quit his good job at Singapore and find a new one in Bangalore!
Right now the girl's parents are giving her company and the boy is hunting for a suitable job. Boys face more stress. :ballchain:


There is a saying 'ராமன் இருக்கும் இடம் அயோத்தி' and hence Sita should go to 'அயோத்தி'. We may have to change it now!!

Raji,

In Argala Stotra it is said:

Patnīm manoramām dehi ; manovrttā-nusārinīm

Tārinīm durga-samsāra- ; Sāgarasya kulodhbhavām

Hey Goddess give me a very pretty wife, who would obey my mind, who would help me cross this unfathomable sea of material life and who will make my mind happy.



மனைவி அமைவதெல்லாம்

இறைவன் கொடுத்த வரம்

A lot of importance is attached to the role of the wife. When my wife asked our Guru why the emphasis in Argala Stotra is about Patni only, he laughed and said the she is the foundation on which the family is built. Then he told my wife that she should cahnge it to Pati when she recited it with appropriate additions.

People are generally resistant to change. Even if it is for their own good. As an Industrial Engineer and Management Consultant I have faced this problem throughout my earlier career. I remember the time long back (when I did not know the art of making people believe that your ideas are actually their own ideas) I had told Premier Automobiles to shift the huge Jig Borer in their Kurla car plant for smoother work flow. The workers almost beat me up. The management was no better. They did not do it.

Changing of place of residence is a big strain for most people. But some love it. My father worked in places ranging from Nepal to Hyderabad and liked it. I had my education in three different states and worked in five different states. I had no problem.

When we were searching for a daughter in law this was one of the main problems. My son used to travel all over the world. Some assignments were long. Many girls especially the traditional girl we were looking for did not like it. In the end my son offered to travel abroad less frequently, that too only on short assignments, and stick to one city in India. His boss was very cut up and told him that this would curtail his progress in the company.

But after two years of marriage my daughter in law felt safe enough to go to Dubai and stay there for some time. She was able to locate Soundharya Lahiri, Lalitha Sahasranamam and other groups there. She is checking up places now where my son could go.

One day we received a frantic call from my daughter in law. She was almost breaking down. The reason. My younger son was visiting them with his wife. They planned to go a Discotheque. My sons were regular discotheque fans. But elder one gave it up because he understood that his wife would not like it. We intervened and convinced the younger son not to insist on going to the discotheque.

It is all a give and take. Real one. Not one in which one of the partners gives in all the time.

In life there are no free lunches. Nothing comes for free. There is a cost/price for everything. If a Boy wants a good wife he has to bear the cost/price. If a girl wants a good husband she has to pay the price/cost. These are not sacrifices or compromises. But only the cost/price. If we are not willing to do to, we get nothing. We are the losers.

 

[suraju06]

Dear Tks,

your post # 54:

I am sure there are boys in deep south of India who are discriminated for being classified as Brahmins. They may lack support structure to come up. This reflects in low accomplishments and with rigid selection criteria they are unable to find spouses.

Don't be so sure. I am from the so called deep south. I know the place and its people very well. The discrimination against brahmins are uniform through out Tamilnadu. About accomplishments, we can not attribute it to any specific region. There are good and bad every where. Some of the all time greats are from deep south. North, south or centre the boys mentioned by Sankara Sarma do find their spouses with a little extra effort.

Cheers.

 

[suraju06]

Dear Raju Sir,

You are very optimistic!

1. How many percent of girls are willing to live with in-laws, can you say Sir? Even in villages in Kerala, the parents of the

grooms are referred to as 'extra luggage', 'attachments' and sadly 'Rahu - KEthu'!

2. As far as I know, the parents who live in flats send the newly weds to another flat!

3. When a boy earning around 35 K in a village could not find a match even after three years of search, I was suggesting to the

parents to widen their search to other brahmin sects. The the boy is from an affluent family and has good amount of money

fetched by monthly interests too. The graduate girls think only about his salary which they find NOT enough for the family!

4. In a matrimony site, we posted one of the two photos of a boy, with vibuthi on his forehead. Two of the mAmis who contacted

us told that the girls are scared that the boy might be a 'madi sanji'!

I thought a handsome boy, earning 70 K plus in Sing. Chennai, will easily get a match but I AM WRONG!!

dear RR,

It is not being optimistic. I write from my experience. I write what I have been witnessing in our immediate and extended family. I have young boys who are my relatives. There are brilliant achievers as well as poor performers. The brilliant achievers are not the only ones who are married happily. The other group is also married and are living happily. The poor performers are also people who do not have a tremendous appetite for money. They get a girl of their wavelength. Some of them are youngsters who have consciously chosen to learn vedas in preference to English education. Believe me, there are families who look for such boys specifically. Some of them are great scholars in Sanskrit and work in Universities as professors. A girl who had had her English education may not like to marry a boy with a tuft even if he is a learned Sanskrit Scholar because of lack of self confidence. But there are also girls who prefer them to an executive in an MNC.

Cheers.

 

[sangom]

Raji,

. . . If a girl wants a good husband she has to pay the price/cost.

Dear Shri SS,

I feel it is in the above assessment that perhaps, today's society has changed a lot. Girls, especially from Tabra community, today know very well that due to the demand-supply inequilibrium, they command a very high price compared to tabra boys and so they want to reduce their "adjustments" to the minimum.

Even from the little account of your elder son which you have given, it looks to me as though all the "gives" have been from your son (no discotheque, no foreign tours, dil searching for foreign locations suitable to her, etc.) and there is no mention of any "give" from the dil's side.

This is the reality of the present situation.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear friends,

I may sound very rude by this comment. But I sometimes feel that the grand expenses for the wedding of the daughter is considered

as a one time investment by her parents, to fleece their S I L forever! I have seen many examples! Very sorry to post this point.

P.S: Some girls keep on nagging, saying that her parents spent so many lakhs for her grand galA wedding! :blah:

 

[C RAVI]

Raji,


It is all a give and take. Real one. Not one in which one of the partners gives in all the time.

In life there are no free lunches. Nothing comes for free. There is a cost/price for everything. If a Boy wants a good wife he has to bear the cost/price. If a girl wants a good husband she has to pay the price/cost. These are not sacrifices or compromises. But only the cost/price. If we are not willing to do to, we get nothing. We are the losers.

:thumb:

 

[C RAVI]

Dear friends,

I may sound very rude by this comment. But I sometimes feel that the grand expenses for the wedding of the daughter is considered

as a one time investment by her parents, to fleece their S I L forever! I have seen many examples! Very sorry to post this point.

P.S: Some girls keep on nagging, saying that her parents spent so many lakhs for her grand galA wedding! :blah:

Shmt.Raji Ram,

We are here to share what we could see/find in our society and got to know and understand.

There is nothing wrong to highlight any unwelcome behaviors, attitudes, practices etc without any prejudice. So, please don't feel sorry to post any points that are not just made up.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Ravi,

I posted this after thinking for a long time! I feel sad to notice the modern trend in our society. Vanity plays a huge role.

Good nature of a person is not at all considered an asset! Most of the time money only talks. It is a bitter truth.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear S S Sir,

When some one says 'மனைவி அமைவதெல்லாம் இறைவன் கொடுத்த வரம்', I used to think,

'இறைவன் வரம் கொடுத்தாலும் நல்ல கணவன் அமைய மாட்டானோ?'

Just kidding Sir. Please take this in a lighter vein!

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Dear Shri SS,

I feel it is in the above assessment that perhaps, today's society has changed a lot. Girls, especially from Tabra community, today know very well that due to the demand-supply inequilibrium, they command a very high price compared to tabra boys and so they want to reduce their "adjustments" to the minimum.

Even from the little account of your elder son which you have given, it looks to me as though all the "gives" have been from your son (no discotheque, no foreign tours, dil searching for foreign locations suitable to her, etc.) and there is no mention of any "give" from the dil's side.

This is the reality of the present situation.

Sangom,

My DIL has made a lot of adjustments. First she has left Chennai where her big joint family of tonnes of aunts, cousins stay. Very few have left Chennai. She was never allowed to go without an escort. Someone dropped her in college and picked her up from there. No friends other than the ones known to family allowed.

She is not used to eating in Chinese reataurants or for that matter in any restaurant. And going on vacations except for pilgrimage. No going out at all. Now she has no problem in going to Chinese/Punjabi restaurants. Though she did face the problem of getting Thayir satham, Dosa and Idli in these places, now she knows what to order where. Thanks to my wife's training. She is going out now. In fact she is doing all the shopping and has become very good at that.

About dresses we gave up in the beginning since she would not wear any modern dress. She wears modern dresses now, but stll keeps off Jeans.

The greatest sacrifice she has made is putting up with my son. A difficult person to stay with to say the least. He prefers to work from home. He is always sitting with the computer working. Otherwise he is all the time sitting in the Puja room doing Puja, japa, meditation, Pranayama, homa and what not. At all hours of the day. I do not know how many times he has his bath. Wears Puncha kaccham and the house is filled with Ghee and all Puja materials. Studying Sanskrit books on Hinduism, and talking Astrology, naturopathy and what not. He is very good in his job and the company that employs him knows that what they are paying him is only peanuts. He is not bothered.

My DIL not only accepts all these. She is extremely proud of his Puja and related things.

We write only not so good things about DILs.

My DIL whom I mentioned earlier was shocked that we were not staying with them. Even her parents were shocked. My DIL quoted Puranic stories about how sons who have neglected their parents go to hell. Argued for months. Finally she said that "You would come and stay with us when the children are born?". We left it at that and did not contradict her for her own peace of mind.

Now every day she makes at leaast three calls to my wife to find out about our well being. She is always trying to tempt us to come by telling us about old/new temples nearby and about music festivals and such things.

My younger DIL surprised us when she insisted that my son should send us money every month. She was saying "I earn a good salary. I was sending money every month to my parents. I will continue to do it. My father does not need the money. But it is my duty." She was upset when I told her that we do not expect our sons to send us money. My son had given up arguing with her and left it to us. Then she told my wife "Appa would not be giving you pocket money. We will send some money for your own personal use." My wife had to explain the in this house the entire money belongs to both of us.

Both my DILs are very cut up and sore about these points.

Modern girls have also some excellent principles which they try to uphold. The only problem is that we get to hear only about bad DILs and not the good ones.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear S S Sir,

You are very very lucky!

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Shri SS,


Even from the little account of your elder son which you have given, it looks to me as though all the "gives" have been from your son (no discotheque, no foreign tours, dil searching for foreign locations suitable to her, etc.) and there is no mention of any "give" from the dil's side.

This is the reality of the present situation.

Shri Sangom,

There are many such things for which a loving husband would graciously give in the demands of the wife as long as they are reasonable. A wife as a lady has her preferences and limitations by which she as a person can feel comfortable and safe.

As long as wife is responsible, loving and caring all her reasonable demands can be very well honored.

People marry only to live together. If husband is traveling extensively to any corner of this world, the wife who like to be with her husband and to have the meaning to the life of togetherness in a family set up would certainly reserve her right to convince her husband and keep things in order as possible.

The husband who is contented with her sense of responsibility, love and care would certainly accept her needs that can keep her comfortable and happy. And would honor her principals, preferences, likes and dislikes by which she feels happy and comfortable.

The husband who considers the big picture of a family set up and loves his loving and caring wife would certainly consider his family life with his spouse as important as his profession. And would not mind making compromises and adjustments in his professional front to retain a happy and successful family life.

There are many husbands who are secretly crying because of money minded wife who not only are least bothered about what husband does to make more money but would force them as well to expand his professional horizon to any limits as long as that can fetch her Huge Money. No matter what his feelings are, what his needs are, what his limitations are and his ideals and principles are, concerning his family.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

Dear S S Sir,
You are very very lucky!

You think so. None of my relations do. They think that my son with his qualifications should have gone to U.S and be earning in millions of dollars rather than sitting in India earning in Lakhs.

They blame my attitude towards life for that. I have also been blamed for not making a success of my career when some of my collegues have become C.E.Os and I did not.

Points of View.

Whatever I have got is by MAA's grace. It is she who decides what is best for me, my wife and my children.

ஆட்டுவித்தாள் ஆடுகிறோம்

 

[P.J.]

Dear S S Sir,

When some one says 'மனைவி அமைவதெல்லாம் இறைவன் கொடுத்த வரம்', I used to think,

'இறைவன் வரம் கொடுத்தாலும் நல்ல கணவன் அமைய மாட்டானோ?'

Just kidding Sir. Please take this in a lighter vein!

Raji Madam

Sometime இறைவன் வரம் becomes too much like in the case of Nalayini!! She got 5 instead of 1?
All of them were in a sense useless, as none could save her when she was disrobed in public, only another
invisible man saved her!!