Well, this is a post reflecting a few questions I have been having as I was growing up as a girl, woman wife and a mother (I am not going to post all the questions I have in my mind – only a few now) in a Tamil Brahmin family and huge set of relatives. Based on the reaction and answers, I may either participate or silently whither away.
Actually I was out of the country for the past few days and due to my work, could not visit the site. After seeing the recent posts after returning today and the kind of in-tolerance for different/modern/opposing (what ever you name it) views, suggestions etc, I was a bit skeptical to start this discussion – But I thought I will give a shot.
Some may oppose/condemn/throw brick bats telling that it is fashionable now a days for the woman to question everything.(one of the members in a post called Brahmin women as selfish and holy cows) .
But, esteemed members - let me tell you - it is very difficult to blindly follow practices without conviction. To have conviction and belief, one should be convinced and have answers for all the “whys”. Unfortunately, the kind of education we have been imparted in the past 3-4 decades is towards getting employment and money – It is a harsh reality that without money , no body is going to look at you – even the relatives will look down upon you inspite of the fact that the family which is poor knows and follows all so called “Brahmin Practices” imparted by our earlier generations. Because of this kind of education towards meeting practical needs of bread, butter and getting married, I ( and I can say I represent a portion of middle class Tamil Brahmin woman who had to fight external and internal discrimination ) have no ideas on what Vedas, Upanishads, sastras , manu smrithis are all about – believe me I heard about Manu for the first time when I was over 21 after reading a DK article quoting verses from Manu Smrithi.
The first set of questions is about the discrimination of women in Tamil Brahmin practices and customs.To quote a few which always bothers me are:
• Women are not supposed to eat during Vrathas, but is perfectly alright and in fact mandatory for men folk to have tiffan before yearly Avani Avittam. It seems men are not supposed to be hungry during Poonal changing function(that’s what my MIL says) . I know one tamil Brahmin lady who had come to visit in-laws had to catch a train at 9 PM on Karadayan Nonbu and that year karadayan Nonbu was at night 8 PM. The whole day she was not allowed to eat and she had to pack,make Karadai,cook for husband and inlaws , attend to chores and then had to do Nonbu and rushed for the train. She fell ill for two days! Whereas the men of the family ate three times a day happily and was commanding for their coffee and other sevices and the MIL was insisting that she should not eat for the sake of welfare and long life of the husband. I find it difficult to believe and follow such practices.Also I do not find any festival in which a man prays for the welfare of the woman!
• When a wife’s relatives (Siblings, Parents etc) die, the woman is allowed to grieve for only 3 days where as even a far off Dayathi’s death on husband’s side some times is grieved for the whole year. In one of the incidents I know , in my relatives circle, for a woman , Diwali came after 6 days after one of her parent’s death. She was forced to make sweets, take ganga Snan and celebrate the festival on the reason that as per sastras, a woman’s theetu will be over in 3 days and if she does not celebrate, it is not good for husband’s family. I felt so bad on the insensitiveness shown. The love and attachment towards one’s parents is same for a man and a woman.
Typical answers I get when I ask elders is this – This is what our tradition is and we should not ask questions – more so definitely not by a woman.
Pray, why should I believe in our traditions and culture which is very insensitive and biased towards comforts of a man only? I am also sometimes irked equating women to amman , mahalaksmi and all deities and then treating her differently on the day to day practices.
May I know the views of the esteemed members on this? Considering the fact that the women membership and participation , more so from the young and middle aged tam bram woman is far less compared to Men folk, I am curious to know the answers/views.
Thank you for your patience
Namskarams
Revathi
