Divorce rearing its ugly head among Tambrahms

[krish44]

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We ARE wasting time in this thread because no one can reduce the number of divorces happening now! :sad:

BTW, I think Daksha is the ONLY person saying that love marriages don't end up in divorce.

All youngsters feel this way.

since Daksha is perhaps the only youngster who posts here.

The general sentiment among youth is that love marriage with a period of courtship is the best way to get married.

So seniors make way and let the youngsters decide their own mates and when they should legitimise their relationship by marrying.

I do not know of course whether it will reduce the divorce rates.

 

[krish44]

we cannot make a conclusive statement as such and we cannot generalize it sir.

there are numerous instances of love marriage also breaking up and ending in divorce.

In most love marriages, it is because of inability of parents to accept love marriages and their attitudes that ruins love marriages.

Parents cannot keep their noses out of their childrens lives and work hard to wreck their lives.

I have no sympathy for these parents

 

[vgane]

We ARE wasting time in this thread because no one can reduce the number of divorces happening now! :sad:

BTW, I think Daksha is the ONLY person saying that love marriages don't end up in divorce.

The best way to prevent divorce is to marry someone who is known to the family...The girl & boy should also like each other..Also they should speak out on their likes & dislikes...Ability to adjust to each other is equally important..

 

[krish44]

Oh, Dhaksha! We are in the 21st century! No highly placed girl accepts a boy when forced!

But, this might happen in the poor circles and those girls will be more obedient than the educated ones!

I know a very pretty KLB girl, my niece's friend, who was forced to marry a man who limps a bit when he walks! But, since

he owns a huge company, this girl was made G M and her parents became G M's parents, from being 'vadAm sellers'! Now,

she has a kid, drives her own car and is very very happy as an affluent lady!

That guy presented a nice flat to his parents in law and they are very well off too. No more vadAm making!! eace:

In the cult film ,Lipstick under my burkha, a girl whose mother forces her daughter to marry a person for his status and money simply walks off with her love mate who is

her business partner who is not well off..
In new india girls find their partners based on their own preferances.

I think it is good trend.

This type of marriages might be longer lasting.

But quite a few do not have the patience to adjust to each other and at the first hint of differences , separate and go their separate ways.

Their intolerance to incompatibility issues or lack of fidelity lead to easy break ups.

When the male lover after marriage takes spouse for granted and takes it easy,females protest and walk away from relationship.

 

[krish44]

The best way to prevent dovorced is to marry someone who is known to the family...The girl & boy should also like each other..Also they should speak out on their likes & dislikes...Ability to adjust to each other is equally important..

Many times angels known to family turn out to be devils after marriage.Still if someone thinks this is better so be it.

Liking is a mindset. One can hate what one liked before . when times change, likes and dislikes change.

Hates of yesterday might become the most loved today.

Ultimately I suppose putting up with faults of the mates and calling it adjustment is what all old timers advocate.

Girls live with monsters dumped on them by parents as husbands and boys suffer the witches who give them hell .

These types of couples are in majority and are in older age group.

Karan johar in his film ' kabhi alvida na kehana' depicted some disfunctional types after years of marriage.

I know some married couples living under the same roof not even communicating with each other and doing their own thing.

Their marriage is dead and they carry on as finding any other alternative is painful..

 

[GNANA SUNYAM]

The best way to prevent dovorced is to marry someone who is known to the family...The girl & boy should also like each other..Also they should speak out on their likes & dislikes...Ability to adjust to each other is equally important..

you are right sir! prevention is better than cure.

but few follow this principle in spite of this being blown out loud for years.

I bet, TBs will not apply your above principle for some more decades.

I fear, by the time TBs realize this, the community may cease to exist. by then TBs would have mingled with other groups and their identity would have been lost.

there is no post-marital issue issue exclusive to either love marriage (l/m) or arranged marriage (a/m).

the issues that pop up post-l/m are also witnessed post-a/m and vice versa.

for post-marital issues the causes are also post-marital and not pre-marital.

for post-marital issues, obviously the resolution has to be made post-marriage. there is no point returning to past and brooding over spilt milk.

certainly divorce will not set the clock back and reverse time. the time lost is lost forever.

 

[krish44]

whether love or arranged, is not the cause for divorce.

love and arranged end up in marriage, uniting 2 souls.

whatever happens after marriage, is cause for divorce.

please don't blame/attribute 'love' or 'arranged' for divorce.

ain't we wasting precious time debating on whether 'love' or 'arranged' is cause for divorce when neither is.

the cause for divorce is post-marital and is varied.

Love or arranged -saying not look at it as cause of divorce is like we saying we should not look for nadimoolam ,rishimoolam.

I firmly believe the past before marriage counts and sets the rules for relationships. It builds up expectations in each other

Unfulfillied expectations, desires after marriage cause break up in most cases.

All want decent post marriage life.

These days most think divorce is a better option to compromised lives.

 

[Raji Ram]

.... These days most think divorce is a better option to compromised lives.

True! When one can be the boss, the other will :hail: .

When both want to be the boss, divorce will be the result! :sad:

 

[Raji Ram]

Madam, How is this related to the topic? May be a right post in wrong thread!!

:nono: Ganesh!

Biswa Sir mentioned about the purchases in Amazon and Flipkart. Hence that post.

 

[Raji Ram]

The best way to prevent divorce is to marry someone who is known to the family...The girl & boy should also like each other..Also they should speak out on their likes & dislikes...Ability to adjust to each other is equally important..

Even 'known' to the family does not help, Ganesh! Liking before marriage also does not help; speaking frankly (?) also does not help!

Ability to adjust to each other is THE point; and many youngsters are unable to do this, now a days!

Girls keep on setting new rules.

One NB girl who married a tambrahm guy, has set new rules after a baby is born. The diaper change for the baby is counted

and her hubby has to do the SAME number of times as she does! no. 1 and no. 2 are also noted! :spy:

Ambi would have blamed his parents, if it was an arranged marriage!

 

[vgane]

:nono: Ganesh!

Biswa Sir mentioned about the purchases in Amazon and Flipkart. Hence that post.

Got it Madam...Since you had not given reply with original quote I had misunderstood!

 

[biswa]

Even 'known' to the family does not help, Ganesh! Liking before marriage also does not help; speaking frankly (?) also does not help!

Ability to adjust to each other is THE point; and many youngsters are unable to do this, now a days!

Girls keep on setting new rules.

One NB girl who married a tambrahm guy, has set new rules after a baby is born. The diaper change for the baby is counted

and her hubby has to do the SAME number of times as she does! no. 1 and no. 2 are also noted! :spy:

Ambi would have blamed his parents, if it was an arranged marriage!

RRji, what do you think is the problem here? For my first son, I did most of the diaper changes.

 

[Raji Ram]

RRji, what do you think is the problem here? For my first son, I did most of the diaper changes.

Dear Biswa Sir,

Absolutely NO problem at all! But tambrahm boys are 'trained' by their moms NOT to do female jobs; changing diaper

is one of them! Even now, Ram will NOT enter the kitchen, since he is 'trained' that way by his orthodox mom!

Ambis of today are much better! My son takes half the household chores on his shoulders!

 

[krish44]

To tell you frankly, I never entered the kitchen until 25 years when I had to fend for myself as a bachelor in a different city.The nearest hotel was 3 km away.

I do not like the idea of women dumping kitchen work or change of diapers on men in the name gender equality.

Rather I would prefer to hire female servants if wife home is unable to cope with kitchen work or other tasks women normally do.

 

[Raji Ram]

My coments in blue.

1. I do not like the idea of women dumping kitchen work or change of diapers on men in the name gender equality.

Dumping!! What is this Krish Sir? You think these are menial jobs - meant ONLY for female? :shocked:

2. Rather I would prefer to hire female servants if wife home is unable to cope with kitchen work or other tasks women normally do.

You CAN do so, because you a mAmA living in India!

You guys are REAL 'paNNaiyArs'!! :couch2:

 

[krish44]

I honestly think kitchen work requires less mental work and more physical time consuming dreary work.

Well educated and academically proficient women can do what they are best suited for as career women and transfer it to those women who can make a living out of it than

bothering their men folk with it.

Of course you are right. Women cooks are available in india. But they are not easily available if you prefer them only to be brahmins.This limits choices.If one can be open

minded to accept any woman who is willing to work as cook and spend sometime training her for ones requirement it fills a major need in many homes.

Bulk of the issues in marriages these days is due to expectation of women that men should help out in the kitchen.Men do not get married to become domestic helps of

women they marry.

 

[GNANA SUNYAM]

I honestly think kitchen work requires less mental work and more physical time consuming dreary work.

Well educated and academically proficient women can do what they are best suited for as career women and transfer it to those women who can make a living out of it than

bothering their men folk with it.

Of course you are right. Women cooks are available in india. But they are not easily available if you prefer them only to be brahmins.This limits choices.If one can be open

minded to accept any woman who is willing to work as cook and spend sometime training her for ones requirement it fills a major need in many homes.

Bulk of the issues in marriages these days is due to expectation of women that men should help out in the kitchen.Men do not get married to become domestic helps of

women they marry.

you sound as a male-chauvinist.

are women created to be treated as glorified servants in a house after marriage?

in which law/scripture is it written that kitchen is exclusively women's area and that cooking is not a man's job?

 

[krish44]

you sound as a male-chauvinist.

are women created to be treated as glorified servants in a house after marriage?

in which law/scripture is it written that kitchen is exclusively women's area and that cooking is not a man's job?

Gnanasunyamji

I would rather be labelled a male-chauvinist than being kitchen help of career women.

There are many retired men here whose wives are career women not retired as they are younger.

Most end up as domestic and kitchen help and get ill treated by their better earning half.

It is not an issue of deciding kitchen is whose area.

Traditionally women have occupied it. Now some career type women want to give it up.

If some men get sucked into it by talk of gender equality and gender justice and end up cleaning utencils I have nothing to say.

Best wishes

 

[Raji Ram]

It is the mind set, Krish Sir! I already gave an example - a lady senior scientist in a Govt office, who cooked food

for her husband and F I L before leaving for work and was 'ordered' to bring boost by her husband, on her return

from office! Such husbands DO exist. My uncle was a leading E N T surgeon and aunt a busy gynecologist in a

reputed hospital in Coimbatore. I stayed with them for two years, while I studied MSc as a day scholar in a co-ed

institution. Aunt used to get up at 5 am sharp, have a bath and finish kitchen work. Uncle used to help her cut veg

and mix coffee and fill up two flasks, to be taken by both of them to work. I pack up my lunch and go by college bus.

We had nice breakfast - idly / UpmA with sAmbAr. They never used to grumble or ask for my assistance, since they

wanted me ONLY to study! Only on Sundays, I used help aunt in the kitchen and it is rest day for my uncle!

They had a maid to clean the house, wash clothes and vessels.

Aunt used to stitch her blouses and petticoats and make some yummy snacks on Sundays. Very efficient lady! :thumb:

 

[Raji Ram]

Be happy Krish Sir, that you are 1944 born and live in India!

 

[Vritra]

in which law/scripture is it written that kitchen is exclusively women's area and that cooking is not a man's job?

Gnanasunyam Ji

In fact, it is men who cook in most of the Hotels, Restaurants, and undertake catering contracts with men cooks.

And they call it 'Nala bagam' and Nalan is considered best culinary expert.

So, kitchen is not exclusively women's area.

 

[GNANA SUNYAM]

Gnanasunyamji

I would rather be labelled a male-chauvinist than being kitchen help of career women.

There are many retired men here whose wives are career women not retired as they are younger.

Most end up as domestic and kitchen help and get ill treated by their better earning half.

It is not an issue of deciding kitchen is whose area.

Traditionally women have occupied it. Now some career type women want to give it up.

If some men get sucked into it by talk of gender equality and gender justice and end up cleaning utencils I have nothing to say.

Best wishes

your mind has been conditioned and programmed over years and years of traditional conservative thinking that kitchen is women's area and not men's cup of tea.

furthermore, this has never been and shall never be the cause of divorce, especially among TBs.

perhaps we have to discuss this matter in an entirely different thread altogether since we are digressing from the title of the thread.

 

[krish44]

your mind has been conditioned and programmed over years and years of traditional conservative thinking that kitchen is women's area and not men's cup of tea.

furthermore, this has never been and shall never be the cause of divorce, especially among TBs.

perhaps we have to discuss this matter in an entirely different thread altogether since we are digressing from the title of the thread.

Most differences in families start in the kitchen.

Cases where Mother in law expects Daughter in law to do more in the kitchen are many.

Disputes on who should occupy the kitchen space and when and how much do break up families and make younger generation break away from parents in laws.

Where boys side with his parents instead of wife leads to break ups and divorce.

2. Yes I do concede that I am a product of indian conditioning and thinking. But I am pragmatic enough to realise that women who are professionally qualified would prefer

to be career women and escape from the kitchen for better and more paying work.

 

[GNANA SUNYAM]

Most differences in families start in the kitchen.

Cases where Mother in law expects Daughter in law to do more in the kitchen are many.

Disputes on who should occupy the kitchen space and when and how much do break up families and make younger generation break away from parents in laws.

Where boys side with his parents instead of wife leads to break ups and divorce.

2. Yes I do concede that I am a product of indian conditioning and thinking. But I am pragmatic enough to realise that women who are professionally qualified would prefer

to be career women and escape from the kitchen for better and more paying work.

disputes in kitchen would be a silly reason for families to break up.

a few career women, not all, would prefer to abstain from kitchen.

most women, including the career ones, love kitchen.

we have numerous such women-colleagues who love to bring variety of cuisines they have tried eager to get our feedback.

a conditioned and programmed mindset reluctant to adapt to changes and to adjust, breaks up families.

male-chauvinism is also another cause for divorce.

 

[krish44]

To project that career women love to be in the kitchen is one of the deceptions men practise to justify and confine women to the kitchen.

How does one adjust on basics ?

If a male is clear that kitchen is not for him and woman thinks love should mean man washing the dishes, there can be no meeting ground.

All this talk of adjustment are thoughts of a compromised individuals who have lost their identity and become slaves in their own homes.

I think we can move on as there is no meeting ground