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Brahmin Marriages - Assertiveness/Aggressiveness of Girls - History and introspection

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kunjuppu

Active member
Hi all,

I am a silent reader of this forum, and some of the posts in this thread are very shocking. All the criticisms seem to be directed at the girls for having expectations of what they want in life. It seems hypocritical to me that the majority of the members are able to accept the fact that men/boys can have ambitions/goals etc in life and their wives should simply follow suit. However when the same thoughts are expressed by girls it becomes a big problem. It seems to me a case of "maamiyar udaithal mann kalam, maattupen udaithal vengalam"

When the boys looking for a suitable match understand that marriage is a partnership where both partners have ambitions/goals and both have to make adjustments, this perceived problem will go away. Other than Mr. Suraju06 in post 157 and Shankara_ Sarmah in post #166 no one has even touched this aspect of the problem.

In case any one is wondering, my marriage is an intercaste marriage and I have been married for more than 30 years. I am quite sure any marriage can be made successful if there is willingness to be flexible and be considerate of your partners wishes.

K. Kumar

hi kumar,

I had always hoped to see more of you. Folks like you, with having lived the life, of IC marriages, and such, bandied here on a theoretical basis or with coloured goggles, need to have an eye opener like you.

I think, people need to consider the girl same as the boy. Absolute equal in terms of life expectations, ambitons, educational aspirations, career goals etc.

This concept itself goes dead against the concept of arranged marriage, where all along, it has been the boy who has been calling the shots. No one till recently maybe, ever heard of a boy giving up his career and moving to a girl’s home or town. The girl as I have posted several times, had to ‘prove’ her ‘worthiness’ of the boy and his family.

All this has left a chip on the shoulders of folks here, with remembered experiences, and unable to accept the realities of today.

A little less attitude, and the boys can go a long way to find a mate. Again, just look at the stubbornness when one suggests even to look for a mate out of caste. Everyone wants horoscope (!) matchup even though it has been proved time and again, they can be as much right as wrong. As a community, we may have advanced economically, but unless we move our attitudes to be in sync with current times, we are destined to continue to experience the angsts that seem to be so prevalent.
 
Dear Kunjuppu,

I could not make out what you wanted to say. I am trying to infer and then comment on that here.

I had always hoped to see more of you. Folks like you, with having lived the life, of IC marriages, and such, bandied here on a theoretical basis or with coloured [COLOR=#DA7911 !important]goggles[/COLOR], need to have an eye opener like you.

You consider the IC marriage candidate as an eye opener and this means you think IC marriages solve many problems. You do not know what you are bargaining for in an IC marriage. So I would still advise girls to avoid it as far as possible. It would be like packing your luggages and going to Timbuctoo without knowing where on earth(or hell or heaven) is it situate.

I think, people need to consider the girl same as the boy. Absolute equal in terms of life expectations, ambitons, educational aspirations, career goals etc. This concept itself goes dead against the concept of arranged marriage, where all along, it has been the boy who has been calling the shots. No one till recently maybe, ever heard of a boy giving up his career and moving to a girl’s home or town. The girl as I have posted several times, had to ‘prove’ her ‘worthiness’ of the boy and his family.

There is something wrong with the logic when you say a girl who claims equality and arranged marriage can not go together. Even in an arranged marriage if there is love and understanding there is scope for deciding after a mutual discussion who should give up what and who should accommodate whom.

Cheers.
 
hi kumar,

I had always hoped to see more of you. Folks like you, with having lived the life, of IC marriages, and such, bandied here on a theoretical basis or with coloured goggles, need to have an eye opener like you.

I think, people need to consider the girl same as the boy. Absolute equal in terms of life expectations, ambitons, educational aspirations, career goals etc.

This concept itself goes dead against the concept of arranged marriage, where all along, it has been the boy who has been calling the shots. No one till recently maybe, ever heard of a boy giving up his career and moving to a girl’s home or town. The girl as I have posted several times, had to ‘prove’ her ‘worthiness’ of the boy and his family.

All this has left a chip on the shoulders of folks here, with remembered experiences, and unable to accept the realities of today.

A little less attitude, and the boys can go a long way to find a mate. Again, just look at the stubbornness when one suggests even to look for a mate out of caste. Everyone wants horoscope (!) matchup even though it has been proved time and again, they can be as much right as wrong. As a community, we may have advanced economically, but unless we move our attitudes to be in sync with current times, we are destined to continue to experience the angsts that seem to be so prevalent.

Dear Kunjuppu,

One of my business colleague - an american was mocking the concept of arranged marriage to me & said it is high time we change !. so let me explain to you what I told him.

I asked him a question - how many people you have dated, loved & married. could you find your soul mate & do you think you are married to her now ?. His answer was - NO & he is in the middle of a divorce. So I told him, arranged marriage is a way of identifying soul mates based on horoscope matching, & compatibility in marriage. Even if you date, ask questions, do date interviews, you cannot identify your soul mate like the Vedic Astrology. This method ensure long lasting marriage, far lesser conflicts compared to love marriage, instant marriage, convenient marriages etc.. & this method has worked for 1000s of years.

Arranged marriages does NOT mean marrying against the will of the boy or girl !!

Lets understand our culture more so that we can appreciate it better. than getting carried away by comments of the ignorant people !

Cheers,
JK
 
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Neither a Love marriage or an Arranged marriage or one done with horoscope matching can by itself assure the success of any marriage.

Most of the long standing successful/happy marriages are of those couples where neither the wife nor the husband are over ambitious. Neither of them are also gifted individuals.


Marriages of almost all career minded people and gifted individuals are not happy. There may be very rare exceptions.


The reasons are very simple. These marriages call for a lot of adjustments on the part of either husband/wife which is neither fair nor ethical. These adjustments do not lead to Happiness. Only to resentment.


My advice is to never get married to a overly ambitious/career minded person or a gifted individual.


I will post about how marriage to a Gifted individual can be a tragedy.
 
Boys who are pious are branded as 'madi sanji'. I wrote about one of the well qualified boys, who uploaded one of his photos with

vibhuthi on his forehead. The mothers of girls are asking how their daughter could 'adjust' with such a guy!!
C:\DOCUME~1\User\LOCALS~1\Temp\msohtml1\01\clip_image002.gif

I agree, Smt. RR. I have come to the conclusion that in the present times, the girls consider that their future husbands should be in a sort of elastic or moldable state like molding clay so that he will be adjusting completely to whatever religious notions/practices are practised in their (the girls') house. They therefore feel that a fellow with some fixed or clear notions about religion (even agnostic/atheist) is a potential trouble. In other words the boy in the marriage market should be like a blank paper in which the girl will write what she wants.

If the boy earns a fat salary enough for comfortable living
where is the need for the girl go out, work and supplement his salary???

Work from home is concept fast becoming popular.

There is one case well known to me. Husband and FIL earning fabulously. Husband only son (child) of his parents. Wife earning much more than hubby and in a higher position due to her ability. After first delivery of the DIL, it was first decided that she would take leave (without pay) for two years, but DIL has suddenly changed her stance and has resumed that if she takes such long leave she will "regret it" later; she has rejoined work, leaves child with her parents but the couple stay with in-laws and pick up the child every evening. DIL says she feels more confident to leave her child with her parents than entrusting it to the in-laws with whom she stays.

That is how the world is now.
 
Dear Kunjuppu,

One of my business colleague - an american was mocking the concept of arranged marriage to me & said it is high time we change !. so let me explain to you what I told him.

I asked him a question - how many people you have dated, loved & married. could you find your soul mate & do you think you are married to her now ?. His answer was - NO & he is in the middle of a divorce. So I told him, arranged marriage is a way of identifying soul mates based on horoscope matching, & compatibility in marriage. Even if you date, ask questions, do date interviews, you cannot identify your soul mate like the Vedic Astrology. This method ensure long lasting marriage, far lesser conflicts compared to love marriage, instant marriage, convenient marriages etc.. & this method has worked for 1000s of years.

Arranged marriages does NOT mean marrying against the will of the boy or girl !!

Lets understand our culture more so that we can appreciate it better. than getting carried away by comments of the ignorant people !

Cheers,
JK

Shri JK,

I don't know whether you are a male or female, but guess you are a male who has married in the old-fashioned way. I am also one person like that. (I did not somehow feel that love or kaadal is something very necessary or real and so I married a girl approved by the elders.) I feel that many of us men of the older generation have very little understanding of the many adjustments and sacrifices which our better halves had to undergo/make; we have taken all those things for granted.

But today, the girls are changed and they are not just ready to make any such adjustments/sacrifices. In putting forth their viewpoints effectively, today's girls seem to be more effective than even our past AchAryas who put forth new philosophies which were non-conformist also to some extent. I say so because even very conformist members like suraju06 have endorsed the "puthumaippenn" pov !:)
 
Neither a Love marriage or an Arranged marriage or one done with horoscope matching can by itself assure the success of any marriage.

Most of the long standing successful/happy marriages are of those couples where neither the wife nor the husband are over ambitious. Neither of them are also gifted individuals.


Marriages of almost all career minded people and gifted individuals are not happy. There may be very rare exceptions.


The reasons are very simple. These marriages call for a lot of adjustments on the part of either husband/wife which is neither fair nor ethical. These adjustments do not lead to Happiness. Only to resentment.


My advice is to never get married to a overly ambitious/career minded person or a gifted individual.


I will post about how marriage to a Gifted individual can be a tragedy.

Very well said Shri Sankara sharmah,


I hold the typical views!!
 
K

kkumar29

Guest
Hi Kunjuppu,

The reason I don't post frequently is because I don't want to get involved in prolonged, endless arguments. Just look at the emotional responses you got for your post in reply to mine.

Suraju06, I am not against arranged marriages, nor am I or Kunjuppu promoting IC/IR marriages (I mistyped, my marriage is an IR marriage).

My view is that since a marriage is between a man and woman both are equal partners in making the marriage successful. The couple who are going to spend their lifetime together need to consider the requirements of the other partner (physical, emotional, philosophical, professional, religious etc). If they enter this partnership with a win/win attitude the marriage is going to succeed. However in most of the posts what I read was I have my views and how dare a girl not agree with them. How dare she prepare a list that I should agree to! If this is what the girls experience, no wonder they run away and the boys are finding it difficult to find suitable girls.

Mrs. RR had indicated in one of her posts how she had to adopt to the orthodox practices of her in-laws even though she had never practiced those at her home. If she could adjust 30 odd years back, then so can the boys who are highly qualified and claim to be progressive and broad minded.

If our community looked at the marriage of their sons as a lifelong partnership between him and his wife and let them sort it out, giving due respect to the wishes of the DIL and not interfere in the process I am quite sure they will find lot of girls. I have seen in the last 4 to 5 years boys getting married within the community who were open minded enough to have serious discussion with the girl exchanging their views openly. The ones who are having difficulty are the ones who are very rigid in their approach and are inflexible.

K. Kumar
 
Shri JK,

I don't know whether you are a male or female, but guess you are a male who has married in the old-fashioned way. I am also one person like that. (I did not somehow feel that love or kaadal is something very necessary or real and so I married a girl approved by the elders.) I feel that many of us men of the older generation have very little understanding of the many adjustments and sacrifices which our better halves had to undergo/make; we have taken all those things for granted.

But today, the girls are changed and they are not just ready to make any such adjustments/sacrifices. In putting forth their viewpoints effectively, today's girls seem to be more effective than even our past AchAryas who put forth new philosophies which were non-conformist also to some extent. I say so because even very conformist members like suraju06 have endorsed the "puthumaippenn" pov !:)

Dear Sangom,

first key to success in a marriage is to get married to the "right" person & then both the boy & girl need to compromise/adjust to make it work. But if one marries the wrong person, then it is a huge challenge & many times it fails.

so the question is how do you know the "right" person ?. thats what our Vedic astrology/horoscope matching answers. And if you look at almost all of the arranged marriages done through horoscope matching they will last a life times baring very few exceptions.

if you look at the marriages that happened 20 to 30 yrs back when most of the upper class were well educated, both husband / wife earning well, you will find most of the couples who got married through arranged marriage still together, unlike the love marriages.

PS: yes, I am male !

Cheers,
 
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Marriages of almost all career minded people and gifted individuals are not happy. There may be very rare exceptions.


The reasons are very simple. These marriages call for a lot of adjustments on the part of either husband/wife which is neither fair nor ethical. These adjustments do not lead to Happiness. Only to resentment.


My advice is to never get married to a overly ambitious/career minded person or a gifted individual.

SSji,
You make a fair point. And there can be plenty of proof-by-example from M. Gandhi to A. Einstein to B. Clinton to A. Bachchan.

However my question is, are we talking of gifted individuals here? The average person with marriage problems is simply that, average.

Career-minded is another grey area. If somebody has settled in Singapore, Dubai or New York for a job, is that being career minded? In this day and age, both boys and girls can and should be career minded so that they can be self-sufficient so that they can provide for themselves and those they consider family. Does that mean they have to be doomed to an unhappy marriage?
 

tbs

0
hi

Marriages of almost all career minded people and gifted individuals are not happy. There may be very rare exceptions.


its very true...i agreed totally.....a lot of commitments and adjustments not possible thsese kind of individuals.....many failures

of marriage becoz of these kind of individual...an average man can be happy with married life....

 

renuka

Well-known member

My advice is to never get married to a overly ambitious/career minded person or a gifted individual.



Dear Sir,

I agree about the overly ambitious people..most overly ambitious people are chasing dreams not for themselves but to show the world.
They are actually working day in day out just to acquire status, wealth, prestige and fame mostly just to impress others.

These are type A personalities who later part of life end up with severe depression cos they never really knew what they wanted for themselves.

These types should only have non committal relationships.

I disagree about the the gifted person.

Firstly we need to define what exactly is a gifted person?

I feel you mean a talented person either in the field of science or arts.

As long as ego does not get into anyone's head..any talent or gift is just part of our lives and should NOT become or rule our lives.

A truly gifted person is a person who is endowed with an extra ordinary talent/intelligence/skill and also has the Viveka to realize that his/her talent/intelligence/skill is for enhancing life and not ruining it.

So if a person does not realize this..he/she is not gifted in my opinion.
 
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Who is a Gifted Individual?


Most of the older generation of people do not seem to have realized the way the world has changed in the last 25 years. We have always had a saying that "Knowledge is Power." But right from the beginning of humanity "Might has been the Power."

When Bill Gates became the richest Man in the world, he became the first person in the history of the world who became rich through Knowledge. In 1971, when he was 16, he was hired by Information Sciences, Inc. to write a payroll program in COBOL, providing them computer time and royalties. That is how it started. Not birth, Royalty, land holding etc. That trend continues. Finally "Knowledge is Power."

Tamil Brahmins as a community have been one of the biggest beneficiaries of this change.

My definition of Gifted individuals excludes all Artists. Actors, Painters, Singers etc. These people have always been known as Gifted and we also know about the problems they face in their marital lives.

What we have to deal with is the other category of Gifted individuals a few of whom we might have heard of. Scientists like Einstein, Newton, Madame Curie, Ramanuja, and others. These people lived for the subject that they were interested in. It is this group which has made the world a better place to stay in.

Nutty professors, absent minded and funny.

Tamil Brahmin community had a number of them. They were all scientists, Mathematics or Physics professors,. Most of the time study of Sanskrit went with it. And also a religious attitude. I remember visiting my classmate in the BARC training center in Bombay in 1968. He took me to see one of his brilliant colleagues. An MSc. (where the norm was an Engineering degree) from Trichy. His room was covered wall to wall with photos of Gods and Goddesses. He went to the office with pattai Vibhuthi wearing a Nylon half shirt. He read all the Tamil magazines. But he was great when it came to his subject. Physics. I am sure he would have by now earned forur doctorates, published a number pf papers and retired.

But imagine the plight of the girl who married him. In the sixties it was possible to get a girl to marry such an individual. They married scientists and nutty professors knowing very well what thy were letting themselves in for. Like a friend of mine who was named Theta by his Maths. Prof. father. He had two siblings named Alpha and Beta.

In the last 30 years world seem to have produced more gifted children than at any point of time in the history of the world. Today's children are Amazing. Their intellectual capacity is astounding.

Many of the parents are not even able to comprehend what is happening with these wonderful children.

Now coming back to my topic, in the old days these gifted children ended up only as Scientists and Academics.

But today Knowledge is money. A Ph.D in Mathematics would end up in Goggle earning half a million dollars a year. Goggle is full of PH.Ds in Mathematics. They end up in Microsoft, Intel and other top companies in U.S. Not in India where they are still not recognized.

A girl who gets an alliance from a Boy working in Microsoft only looks at the company, his salary and thinks that he is a great catch. Most of these boys also do not have bad habits. They are not aggressive (except when you question their calculations) and mild mannered.

But the problem is that in their world Of " Algorithms, C, C++, Arrays and Pointers" there is no room for anything else. When they are working on something they really go 24/7 into it. No sleep, food. In companies like Microsoft you can do it. They thrive on such work. They would like to help the wives. But their world is their own.

But what happens to the girl who has come to Seattle from India thinking of having a good time in the U.S with a rich husband. Strange/alien place, unusual climate and alien neighbors.

The H4 dependent visa does not allow your spouse to work (unless they get their own H1B visa).

That is why I said that the girls/boys should avoid these Gifted individuals.

I like them. I am the father of one. They are nice people. Humanity has benefited and will continue to benefit because of such Gifted individuals.

But if you are getting married to one think about the consequences.

Disclaimer: Not all the people working in Goggle, Microsoft, Intel and other companies are like this. These are the brilliant exceptions.
 
Dear SS,

Such gifted individuals need not only an understanding dedicated spouse but also very understanding nurturing parents and employers. The parents who should have noticed their child's interest and talent should nurture his talent and at the same time help him cultivate other interests. They should teach him that success in solving a problem fast is not the only important and rewarding experience in life. They should teach him that a whole lot of phenomena happening around him are beautiful and that relationship with people is equally important. While he loses himself in the beauty and order in the solutions of complicated maths problems, he should not miss the beauty of the sun setting in the west in a crimson red sky. While he loses himself in deep thought in building a mathematical model to structure and solve a metal's single crystal lattice faults, he should also enjoy wondering why a new born baby smiled at him when he looked at its face. What did it understand suddenly which it did not earlier or is it just an attempt at getting control of its nerves. If parents do this the child will grow as a complete person fit to live in the society later even while remaining a brilliant scientist. The parent's role can never be imitated, nor replaced. Even eccentrics can be made child like by this. Such eccentric individuals require a very understanding and matured spouse too. The spouse should be told before marriage itself that she is going to marry an individual who is not just ordinary. If this is not told and if the girl is presented with a fait accompli then there can be serious trouble. It can end up in a divorce. Particularly if it is going to be an individual living in a foreign country such recklessness on the part of elders can end up in a fiasco for sure. Employers understand the value of such individuals and they put up with all the idiosyncracies of such individuals in their workplace. They give them a lot of freedom. They are only concerned with the output. Of course that is called management of a human resource. I have personal experience with a few of such individuals.

Cheers.
 
Dear Sangom Sir,


I agree, Smt. RR. I have come to the conclusion that in the present times, the girls consider that their future husbands should be in a sort of elastic or moldable state like molding clay so that he will be adjusting completely to whatever religious notions/practices are practised in their (the girls') house. They therefore feel that a fellow with some fixed or clear notions about religion (even agnostic/atheist) is a potential trouble. In other words the boy in the marriage market should be like a blank paper in which the girl will write what she wants.

It is not as if the girl has a set of values and expects her husband to have all of them too. So far it was men who had such an attitude. Imagine what would have happened if on the first night of your marriage the girl (your wife) while sitting on the cot had expected you to take the milk from the pot add sugar and give it to her after checking how hot it was. Did you not think that it was natural when she did that for you istead of your doing it? And if movies reflect real life events, we have all movies showing only such behavior if there is a nuptials scene. Nowadays the girls think that the boy should not treat her like a door mat. She is an individual with a mind and she expects to be respected. Ideas can be discussed before implementation. That is the minimum expectation. What is the problem of boys in accepting this new reality? If it is a kora kagaz or just களிமண் உருண்டை it suits her all the more.

There is one case well known to me. Husband and FIL earning fabulously. Husband only son (child) of his parents. Wife earning much more than hubby and in a higher position due to her ability. After first delivery of the DIL, it was first decided that she would take leave (without pay) for two years, but DIL has suddenly changed her stance and has resumed that if she takes such long leave she will "regret it" later; she has rejoined work, leaves child with her parents but the couple stay with in-laws and pick up the child every evening. DIL says she feels more confident to leave her child with her parents than entrusting it to the in-laws with whom she stays.

She will leave her child with those in whom she has confidence and it can be even a servant maid in preference to her or boy's parents. Period.
 
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But today, the girls are changed and they are not just ready to make any such adjustments/sacrifices. In putting forth their viewpoints effectively, today's girls seem to be more effective than even our past AchAryas who put forth new philosophies which were non-conformist also to some extent. I say so because even very conformist members like suraju06 have endorsed the "puthumaippenn" pov !:)

Dear Sangom Sir,

Today's girls do make sacrifices and adjustments just as the the girls of yester years. But they also expect understanding if not adjustments and sacrifices from the boys too unlike girls of yester years. That is the only difference. These girls are indeed more articulate. I am just an individual who lives my life in a disciplined way. I keep observing everything around me. I learn a lot from the world and the learning goes on. Only when I stop learning, I will become a conformist in the sense that i will then be a lazy unthinking moron who refuses to change in any way, who thinks everything is already fine and nothing needs a change. And this is important-nor do I jump to a conclusion in a tearing hurry about every new info I get or learn and call for complete demolition of every thing existing in the society. So I am not a reformist either. I am just a balanced individual. I am always open to new ideas. 'puthumaipenn' has no puthumai about her. It is just her cry helplessly pleading with every one to recognize her rights and a plea to treat her as a human being. I understand that fervent plea and so support it. While I give that respect and freedom to my wife, my children have picked up that trait from me just by observing me.

Cheers.
 
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kunjuppu

Active member
Dear Sangom Sir,

Today's girls do make sacrifices and adjustments just as the the girls of yester years. But they also expect understanding if not adjustments and sacrifices from the boys too unlike girls of yester years. That is the only difference. These girls are indeed more articulate. I am just an individual who lives my life in a disciplined way. I keep observing everything around me. I learn a lot from the world and the learning goes on. Only when I stop learning, I will become a conformist in the sense that i will then be a lazy unthinking moron who refuses to change in any way, who thinks everything is already fine and nothing needs a change. And this is important-nor do I jump to a conclusion in a tearing hurry about every new info I get or learn and call for complete demolition of every thing existing in the society. So I am not a reformist either. I am just a balanced individual. I am always open to new ideas. 'puthumaipenn' has no puthumai about her. It is just her cry helplessly pleading with every one to recognize her rights and a plea to treat her as a human being. I understand that fervent plea and so support it. While I give that respect and freedom to my wife, my children have picked up that trait from me just by observing me.

Cheers.

Dear suraju,

Such articulate and passionate posts on behalf of a fair deal for our women. I wish I had written them, but I could never come up to this level. this above is only of the numerous ones that in these past days, have delighted me, beyond words.

I have always had a deep respect for your erudition and ability to counter any arguments with a lucidity, to an extent, that I suspect, you really know what e=mc squared means.

Jest aside, I should ask for a big pardon, as I have always assumed (made an ass of myself that is) that you too were one of the upholders of the traditions to such an extent, that any changes of modern times is equivalent to corruption of our tambram society and values. I am pleased to have erred.

:)
 
K

kkumar29

Guest
Dear Suraju,

Bravo. Your posts #186, #187 and #188 has captured the core of the problem faced by the people who are complaining. It is this lack of open mindedness that leads to the problem of not finding girls.
I have always enjoyed reading your posts. I have learned a lot about what the current TB situation in TN is, from your posts.

Keep it up.

K. Kumar
 
Dear Sangom Sir,
It is not as if the girl has a set of values and expects her husband to have all of them too. So far it was men who had such an attitude. Imagine what would have happened if on the first night of your marriage the girl (your wife) while sitting on the cot had expected you to take the milk from the pot add sugar and give it to her after checking how hot it was. Did you not think that it was natural when she did that for you istead of your doing it? And if movies reflect real life events, we have all movies showing only such behavior if there is a nuptials scene. Nowadays the girls think that the boy should not treat her like a door mat. She is an individual with a mind and she expects to be respected. Ideas can be discussed before implementation. That is the minimum expectation. What is the problem of boys in accepting this new reality? If it is a kora kagaz or just களிமண் உருண்டை it suits her all the more.

Dear Shri Raju,

My post was in the context of why a "pious" boy was not getting any proposals. I think your comments above are taken by Smt. VR madam and the boy in question. I have not made any value judgement in my post but narrated only the present position just as you have done, may be in different words.

She will leave her child with those in whom she has confidence and it can be even a servant maid in preference to her or boy's parents. Period.

If she shows such lack of confidence how do we expect the in-laws to consider her staying with them? I think one will understand the problem only when it actually happens to him/her. aRiyAttha kuTTi coRiyumpOL aRiyum!
 
Hello sir,
Im here back after a long back..
I just want to knw one thing 4 sure..
Wat do u mean exactly by the word Aggressive here?

Im a girl,(BRAHMIN GIRL) doing my final year B.Tech..
So. I can express my clear views clearly..
As an educated girl, i ll not look 4 a guy who s aggressive..

Nowadays no girl s ready to tolerate the aggression of men n any form (evn n working place)
So, how ll she look 4 a guy who is aggressive to share her whole life?

V girls dont look 4 aggressive guys sir..
V dont like ppl dominating us..
V look 4 a guy who 1) Can understand the situation well
2)Is practical
3)Can take things lite
4)feels responsible when it is to b felt
5)Enjoys life n t utmost way
6)Well Behaved
7)Who has presence of mind
8)Is decesive
9)Showers love nd care
10)Understands tat his wife too has some privacy.

Tis s wat girls of today expect.
U knw wat? Brahmin guys may not get involved in fightin nd all. But they are really gud when it comes to mind.

Mind power is wat s called man power sir.
Even a giant animal can fight when trained.
But not everybody can make their brains work.

And so when it comes to brain or mind power, the caste goes away..
It s how a guy impresses a girl..
No flowers nd flirts impress girls nowadays..

A girl can analyze the talents of a guy in a few days..
That is immaterial of the caste and that is why Brahmin girls get married to Non-Brahmin guys and the vice versa..


Aggressiveness can help only in breaking up sir, its of no use when it comes to the task of joining hands...
 
Dear Sangom Sir,

If she shows such lack of confidence how do we expect the in-laws to consider her staying with them? I think one will understand the problem only when it actually happens to him/her. aRiyAttha kuTTi coRiyumpOL aRiyum!

Why should that be perceived as lack of confidence in them in general? Why should her confidence in them be measured exclusively by this action? She has confidence in them to leave her husband with them when she has to go away to another town or country alone on work assignment. She has the confidence to live with them when her husband goes away on such work to far away places. She has confidence on them on a hundred such matters. All such instances should be remembered and her action of not leaving the child with them should be measured. That would put her in a proper perspective. They will understand that she is only doing the right thing. "எதனை எவன் முடிக்கும் என்றாய்ந்து அதனை அவன் கண் விடல்" is very important for good living.

Cheers.
 
Perhaps:
1. The FIL is still active and out most of the time making money.
2. MIL is a socialite and lives in a different world.
3. They are old and find it difficult to take care of the child both physically and emotionally.
4. The child prefers the other 'thatha patti' for his own reasons.
5. The non resident PIL are willing and accept this as their duty.
6. Husband does not want to burden his parents.

There could be many more.


Dear Sangom Sir,

Why should that be perceived as lack of confidence in them in general? Why should her confidence in them be measured exclusively by this action? She has confidence in them to leave her husband with them when she has to go away to another town or country alone on work assignment. She has the confidence to live with them when her husband goes away on such work to far away places. She has confidence on them on a hundred such matters. All such instances should be remembered and her action of not leaving the child with them should be measured. That would put her in a proper perspective. They will understand that she is only doing the right thing. "எதனை எவன் முடிக்கும் என்றாய்ந்து அதனை அவன் கண் விடல்" is very important for good living.

Cheers.
 

kunjuppu

Active member
add to suraju and sarang,

i am not surprised that the babies are left with the other in laws.

taking care of babies is a very strenous and difficult job. for a full time, it is demanding, time consuming and above all fraught with danger. if anything happens to the baby, the grand parents will be blamed and one can imagine the type of words and curses that can come out graphically.

so, if i were the boys' parents, i would ENCOURAGE, my counterpart in laws to care of our mutual grandchildren. i would, through part time grand parentage, have enough energy to pamper the babies, and when i get tired, gently hand over them to their mommy and daddy :)
 
add to suraju and sarang,

i am not surprised that the babies are left with the other in laws.

taking care of babies is a very strenous and difficult job. for a full time, it is demanding, time consuming and above all fraught with danger. if anything happens to the baby, the grand parents will be blamed and one can imagine the type of words and curses that can come out graphically.

so, if i were the boys' parents, i would ENCOURAGE, my counterpart in laws to care of our mutual grandchildren. i would, through part time grand parentage, have enough energy to pamper the babies, and when i get tired, gently hand over them to their mommy and daddy :)

Dear Kunjuppu,

None of the reasons stated by Shri sarang apply in this case. The son and DIL were mostly in the DIL's parents' house (and naturally so) consequent to pregnancy and delivery. The couple have their own large flat away from both the parents' houses. After delivery the DIL comes, with the child, to her in-laws' house. The plan then is that she would continue on leave without pay for one or two years more. The couple (son & DIL) go and stay very often in the DIL's parents' house.

All these could be understood as natural.

Suddenly the DIL changes her plans. She wants to resume work continue living with her in-laws but without even formally saying a word to her in-laws that she intends to take her child to her parents for day care.

I think this shows the scant regard she has for her in-laws and perhaps her husband also.

Now she picks up the child on her way home and the child spends night time here in the hubby's parents' house. All sevices are done by her MIL including washing of their plates, laundering and ioring clothes, etc.

Should not the DIL have at least the minimum courtesy of informing her in-laws that she would be leaving the child with her parents only?

I have a feeling that the tabra males, like pendulum, are either this extreme or that extreme; now the trend seems to be "Daughter-in-law/wife, like vedas and other scriptures, are inerrant, and may be, the next stage of opinion will be the wife/dil is "apaurusheya"! lol. ;)
 
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