I am so useless..
There was a time when I would simply go and pray in the temple to parthasarathy and things would somehow happen or workout in my favour. At that time, I was saying sahasranamam in anjaneyar koil before going to parthasarathy koil and standing in front of the huge parthasarathy without going into the sannidhi. Those were nice times.. You cycle home from school.. have a bit of idli and run out to play cricket in the streets without any slippers. At 6-6.15pm the temple used to start playing bhaja govindam and eventually, it was time to go say vishnu sahasranamam in the hanumar sannidhi. By the time this was done.. it would be dark and around 7pm.. I then went to parthasarathy koil and simply prayed with all my heart. I never really went into any sannidhi.. I just stood outside and looked at the moolavar and prayed. By the time I reached home, it would be time to finish homework and then eat dinner while watching the DD news. Then sleep.
At that time, I always got what I prayed for.. I did not want anything great so when things worked out, I was quite happy. But the last time that worked was in twelfth standard. After the final exams.. I knew I had done badly in Maths and physics. I had calculated something around 75 out of 100 marks in both of the subjects. Since I knew I had done badly, I again did what I knew would work. I went straight to parthasarathy, stood outside the sannidhi and stared at the moolavar through the grill gates. I prayed. I told him.. please give me 80 percent. I dont know how you are going to do it.. but please give me 80 percent. I prayed everyday. And you know what.. My twelfth average was 80.2 percent. I was very happy. Parthasarathy with his moustache and all gave me what I wanted. But that was the last grant. After that I moved to college and did not really go to the temple. The perumal temple was really far from college and it was impossible to get a bus after college closed, goto the temple and come back before hostel dinner time. So that kind of died right there.
After all the problems and things.. I ended up in singapore and somehow ended up in the perumal temple in farrer park. By now I had realised, I was fucked up and useless. So after helping where I can in the temple (which was not much) I stood before srinivasar before they closed the sannidhi. I prayed just like I did during school. I prayed daily the same thing.. I said, I know I am of no use, my life died quite sometime ago and I cannot do anything because of the medicines. But I would like to do something for the welfare of our people and community. Please help me god.
After sometime of doing this, I discussed this with one of the bhattars there and he laughed heartily. He said.. Oi.. You go and take care of your life.. If he wants something to be done then he will do it himself.
I was surprised.. But I realized what he was saying was true. So I slightly changed my prayer to srinivasar everyday night. I now started asking.. can you please use me as a tool to recreate the belief system that was prevalent in india.. belief in god and the belief in doing the right thing.. I prayed sincerely.. But the magic is not working anymore. I am still useless and even unable to do a simple security job. What can I do..? I cannot even go to the carrum downs temple now. what to do.. but think about all the things and regret. It could have all been so different. I was saying sahasranamam in livermore temple also. But I think the problem started right there.. I prayed.. you have given me everything.. a good car, a nice apartment room, a good friend and a good job.. but you have pulled me away from all my family.. I dont see how I can still maintain my relations being so far from triplicane.. I guess thats why I ended up in the small room in triplicane eating curd rice that my father made. As they have always said.. you should understand what you are praying for.. I guess I did not understand what I was asking..
Where do I go from here.. what do I do.. what do I pray for.. I dont know.. I am so tired. This maya and the illusion created by the supreme being is really disorienting and confusing. So help me god.
Sarvam Srikrishnarpanamasthu.
There was a time when I would simply go and pray in the temple to parthasarathy and things would somehow happen or workout in my favour. At that time, I was saying sahasranamam in anjaneyar koil before going to parthasarathy koil and standing in front of the huge parthasarathy without going into the sannidhi. Those were nice times.. You cycle home from school.. have a bit of idli and run out to play cricket in the streets without any slippers. At 6-6.15pm the temple used to start playing bhaja govindam and eventually, it was time to go say vishnu sahasranamam in the hanumar sannidhi. By the time this was done.. it would be dark and around 7pm.. I then went to parthasarathy koil and simply prayed with all my heart. I never really went into any sannidhi.. I just stood outside and looked at the moolavar and prayed. By the time I reached home, it would be time to finish homework and then eat dinner while watching the DD news. Then sleep.
At that time, I always got what I prayed for.. I did not want anything great so when things worked out, I was quite happy. But the last time that worked was in twelfth standard. After the final exams.. I knew I had done badly in Maths and physics. I had calculated something around 75 out of 100 marks in both of the subjects. Since I knew I had done badly, I again did what I knew would work. I went straight to parthasarathy, stood outside the sannidhi and stared at the moolavar through the grill gates. I prayed. I told him.. please give me 80 percent. I dont know how you are going to do it.. but please give me 80 percent. I prayed everyday. And you know what.. My twelfth average was 80.2 percent. I was very happy. Parthasarathy with his moustache and all gave me what I wanted. But that was the last grant. After that I moved to college and did not really go to the temple. The perumal temple was really far from college and it was impossible to get a bus after college closed, goto the temple and come back before hostel dinner time. So that kind of died right there.
After all the problems and things.. I ended up in singapore and somehow ended up in the perumal temple in farrer park. By now I had realised, I was fucked up and useless. So after helping where I can in the temple (which was not much) I stood before srinivasar before they closed the sannidhi. I prayed just like I did during school. I prayed daily the same thing.. I said, I know I am of no use, my life died quite sometime ago and I cannot do anything because of the medicines. But I would like to do something for the welfare of our people and community. Please help me god.
After sometime of doing this, I discussed this with one of the bhattars there and he laughed heartily. He said.. Oi.. You go and take care of your life.. If he wants something to be done then he will do it himself.
I was surprised.. But I realized what he was saying was true. So I slightly changed my prayer to srinivasar everyday night. I now started asking.. can you please use me as a tool to recreate the belief system that was prevalent in india.. belief in god and the belief in doing the right thing.. I prayed sincerely.. But the magic is not working anymore. I am still useless and even unable to do a simple security job. What can I do..? I cannot even go to the carrum downs temple now. what to do.. but think about all the things and regret. It could have all been so different. I was saying sahasranamam in livermore temple also. But I think the problem started right there.. I prayed.. you have given me everything.. a good car, a nice apartment room, a good friend and a good job.. but you have pulled me away from all my family.. I dont see how I can still maintain my relations being so far from triplicane.. I guess thats why I ended up in the small room in triplicane eating curd rice that my father made. As they have always said.. you should understand what you are praying for.. I guess I did not understand what I was asking..
Where do I go from here.. what do I do.. what do I pray for.. I dont know.. I am so tired. This maya and the illusion created by the supreme being is really disorienting and confusing. So help me god.
Sarvam Srikrishnarpanamasthu.
