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Useless..

Krishnan.vp

Active member
I am so useless..


There was a time when I would simply go and pray in the temple to parthasarathy and things would somehow happen or workout in my favour. At that time, I was saying sahasranamam in anjaneyar koil before going to parthasarathy koil and standing in front of the huge parthasarathy without going into the sannidhi. Those were nice times.. You cycle home from school.. have a bit of idli and run out to play cricket in the streets without any slippers. At 6-6.15pm the temple used to start playing bhaja govindam and eventually, it was time to go say vishnu sahasranamam in the hanumar sannidhi. By the time this was done.. it would be dark and around 7pm.. I then went to parthasarathy koil and simply prayed with all my heart. I never really went into any sannidhi.. I just stood outside and looked at the moolavar and prayed. By the time I reached home, it would be time to finish homework and then eat dinner while watching the DD news. Then sleep.

At that time, I always got what I prayed for.. I did not want anything great so when things worked out, I was quite happy. But the last time that worked was in twelfth standard. After the final exams.. I knew I had done badly in Maths and physics. I had calculated something around 75 out of 100 marks in both of the subjects. Since I knew I had done badly, I again did what I knew would work. I went straight to parthasarathy, stood outside the sannidhi and stared at the moolavar through the grill gates. I prayed. I told him.. please give me 80 percent. I dont know how you are going to do it.. but please give me 80 percent. I prayed everyday. And you know what.. My twelfth average was 80.2 percent. I was very happy. Parthasarathy with his moustache and all gave me what I wanted. But that was the last grant. After that I moved to college and did not really go to the temple. The perumal temple was really far from college and it was impossible to get a bus after college closed, goto the temple and come back before hostel dinner time. So that kind of died right there.

After all the problems and things.. I ended up in singapore and somehow ended up in the perumal temple in farrer park. By now I had realised, I was fucked up and useless. So after helping where I can in the temple (which was not much) I stood before srinivasar before they closed the sannidhi. I prayed just like I did during school. I prayed daily the same thing.. I said, I know I am of no use, my life died quite sometime ago and I cannot do anything because of the medicines. But I would like to do something for the welfare of our people and community. Please help me god.

After sometime of doing this, I discussed this with one of the bhattars there and he laughed heartily. He said.. Oi.. You go and take care of your life.. If he wants something to be done then he will do it himself.

I was surprised.. But I realized what he was saying was true. So I slightly changed my prayer to srinivasar everyday night. I now started asking.. can you please use me as a tool to recreate the belief system that was prevalent in india.. belief in god and the belief in doing the right thing.. I prayed sincerely.. But the magic is not working anymore. I am still useless and even unable to do a simple security job. What can I do..? I cannot even go to the carrum downs temple now. what to do.. but think about all the things and regret. It could have all been so different. I was saying sahasranamam in livermore temple also. But I think the problem started right there.. I prayed.. you have given me everything.. a good car, a nice apartment room, a good friend and a good job.. but you have pulled me away from all my family.. I dont see how I can still maintain my relations being so far from triplicane.. I guess thats why I ended up in the small room in triplicane eating curd rice that my father made. As they have always said.. you should understand what you are praying for.. I guess I did not understand what I was asking..

Where do I go from here.. what do I do.. what do I pray for.. I dont know.. I am so tired. This maya and the illusion created by the supreme being is really disorienting and confusing. So help me god.

Sarvam Srikrishnarpanamasthu.
 

renuka

Well-known member
I am so useless..


There was a time when I would simply go and pray in the temple to parthasarathy and things would somehow happen or workout in my favour. At that time, I was saying sahasranamam in anjaneyar koil before going to parthasarathy koil and standing in front of the huge parthasarathy without going into the sannidhi. Those were nice times.. You cycle home from school.. have a bit of idli and run out to play cricket in the streets without any slippers. At 6-6.15pm the temple used to start playing bhaja govindam and eventually, it was time to go say vishnu sahasranamam in the hanumar sannidhi. By the time this was done.. it would be dark and around 7pm.. I then went to parthasarathy koil and simply prayed with all my heart. I never really went into any sannidhi.. I just stood outside and looked at the moolavar and prayed. By the time I reached home, it would be time to finish homework and then eat dinner while watching the DD news. Then sleep.

At that time, I always got what I prayed for.. I did not want anything great so when things worked out, I was quite happy. But the last time that worked was in twelfth standard. After the final exams.. I knew I had done badly in Maths and physics. I had calculated something around 75 out of 100 marks in both of the subjects. Since I knew I had done badly, I again did what I knew would work. I went straight to parthasarathy, stood outside the sannidhi and stared at the moolavar through the grill gates. I prayed. I told him.. please give me 80 percent. I dont know how you are going to do it.. but please give me 80 percent. I prayed everyday. And you know what.. My twelfth average was 80.2 percent. I was very happy. Parthasarathy with his moustache and all gave me what I wanted. But that was the last grant. After that I moved to college and did not really go to the temple. The perumal temple was really far from college and it was impossible to get a bus after college closed, goto the temple and come back before hostel dinner time. So that kind of died right there.

After all the problems and things.. I ended up in singapore and somehow ended up in the perumal temple in farrer park. By now I had realised, I was fucked up and useless. So after helping where I can in the temple (which was not much) I stood before srinivasar before they closed the sannidhi. I prayed just like I did during school. I prayed daily the same thing.. I said, I know I am of no use, my life died quite sometime ago and I cannot do anything because of the medicines. But I would like to do something for the welfare of our people and community. Please help me god.

After sometime of doing this, I discussed this with one of the bhattars there and he laughed heartily. He said.. Oi.. You go and take care of your life.. If he wants something to be done then he will do it himself.

I was surprised.. But I realized what he was saying was true. So I slightly changed my prayer to srinivasar everyday night. I now started asking.. can you please use me as a tool to recreate the belief system that was prevalent in india.. belief in god and the belief in doing the right thing.. I prayed sincerely.. But the magic is not working anymore. I am still useless and even unable to do a simple security job. What can I do..? I cannot even go to the carrum downs temple now. what to do.. but think about all the things and regret. It could have all been so different. I was saying sahasranamam in livermore temple also. But I think the problem started right there.. I prayed.. you have given me everything.. a good car, a nice apartment room, a good friend and a good job.. but you have pulled me away from all my family.. I dont see how I can still maintain my relations being so far from triplicane.. I guess thats why I ended up in the small room in triplicane eating curd rice that my father made. As they have always said.. you should understand what you are praying for.. I guess I did not understand what I was asking..

Where do I go from here.. what do I do.. what do I pray for.. I dont know.. I am so tired. This maya and the illusion created by the supreme being is really disorienting and confusing. So help me god.

Sarvam Srikrishnarpanamasthu.

I feel you are going tru some phase of depression.
Its not about asking God anything and expect anything either.

You are not useless.
None of us are.
We have always felt success is being in charge or a super power or being affluent or in other words being successful on the material scale...but just take at the world now..when we see food supplies getting lesser around us there might come a time that even the money we have might not be used.

I fear for the world when the vaccine for Covid-19 is made..not becos it wont cure but just afraid the countries that control it might make it totally unaffordable.

You can see how Iran is suffering yet USA is not lifting sanctions for Iran even when the pandemic is wrecking Iran.

So where is humanity?

So who is the failure here?

You are not!

I am sure you have humanity in you unlike USA that cant feel for any other country besides itself and made a deal with Modi for Chloroquine that sounded like a threat too.

You have to get real...drop the idea of wanting to go grandscale for the welfare of any community.

Help yourself first here cos you need to recover first in order to help others first.
Right now all you can do is help the humans that live near you in anyway you can.
Feed some stray animals if you can too.


God does not want us to depend on Him anymore..He wants us to take charge of ourselves with the inner strength He has given us.

The problem is we have kept God outside of us for a long time.

Right now be happy that you are alive.
That itself is a blessing.
 

tbs

Well-known member
hi

Right now be happy that you are alive.
That itself is a blessing.


nice words..reality too....
 

Krishnan.vp

Active member
I understand what is being said..

I apologize for the community oriented thought process thus far..

Now only things are falling into place..

It will no longer be vazhga brahmana samudhayam..

It will be..

Vazhga Bharatha samudhayam..

Let me see what I can do about this..
 

govin23

Member
It is a nice writing. Enjoyed reading.
God will give what we need absolutely. God is Great.
You are not useless!
 

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