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Taking Care of Aging Parents

kuzhapuvan

FlyhIyer
Namaskaram,

This is an issue of my athai and not myself. My athai is old and needs care. Her husband, my athimber, recently passed away. She has some age related issues and declining health. She is with my cousin currently in the USA and she is refusing to go back to India. My cousin is married and doesn't want to move back to India. What are the suggestions and options here.
 
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Namaskaram,

This is an issue of my athai and not myself. My athai is old and needs care. Her husband, my athimber, recently passed away. She has some age related issues and declining health. She is with my cousin currently in the USA and she is refusing to go back to India. My cousin is married and doesn't want to move back to India. What are the suggestions and options here.
It is very difficult for others to make any informed suggestion. You have not given all information. What is the relationship between your sis-in-law an your athai.
My nephew (he is married) is taking care of my sister who too is in the same situation as your Attai. But he has hired some help to be with my sister at least 10 hours a day. Rest of the time he himself takes over. But he is dedicated.

There are memory care nursing homes in the USA, but they are not cheap. There are cheaper alternatives in India, but they too cost money. You have not given any financial situation. If your Attai is rich and your cousin is greedy the situation will be different.
 
Namaskaram,

This is an issue of my athai and not myself. My athai is old and needs care. Her husband, my athimber, recently passed away. She has some age related issues and declining health. She is with my cousin currently in the USA and she is refusing to go back to India. My cousin is married and doesn't want to move back to India. What are the suggestions and options here.
Just as Prasad ji mentioned..how is the relationship between your cousin and your athai?

Also why is it an issue that your athai is refusing to go back to India?
Why cant she continue staying in USA as she is staying now..seems to me your athai is ok with staying in the USA.

May be there is some friction somewhere.
Its not easy to look after aging people..they can get real hard to manage too..its like looking after kids.

Not too sure what to advise.
 
Just as Prasad ji mentioned..how is the relationship between your cousin and your athai?

Also why is it an issue that your athai is refusing to go back to India?
Why cant she continue staying in USA as she is staying now..seems to me your athai is ok with staying in the USA.

May be there is some friction somewhere.
Its not easy to look after aging people..they can get real hard to manage too..its like looking after kids.

Not too sure what to advise.
1. Cousin and Athai relation is good. Athai's deteriorating mental and physical health is the problem.
2. Her age and declining facilities is the problem she is refusing to go to India. She feels she will be dumped there.
3. Athai is ok with staying in the US, she does NOT have any significant wealth. My cousin is doing very well. But he has 2 children and a wife who is working a menial job. Although income isn't a big problem. I'm guessing someone being there physically is critical.
4. I agree, there is friction some where. He has reached out to me. I help occasionally but I can't be there all the time. I myself am taking care of my parents right now.
5. Thanks for your response.
 
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1. Cousin and Athai relation is good. Athai's deteriorating mental and physical health is the problem.
2. Her age and declining facilities is the problem she is refusing to go to India. She feels she will be dumped there.
3. Athai is ok with staying in the US, she does NOT have any significant wealth. My cousin is doing very well. But he has 2 children and a wife who is working a menial job. Although income isn't a big problem. I'm guessing someone being there physically is critical.
4. I agree, there is friction some where. He has reached out to me. I help occasionally but I can't be there all the time. I myself am taking care of my parents right now.
5. Thanks for your response.
Its quite obvious that your cousin's wife could be stressed out ..she is working and has 2 children and needs to attend to the elderly person.
Looks as if there is no way out here.


1) elderly person doesnt want to go back to India.

2) Cousin's wife cant cope.

All these could lead to a lot of friction at home and the kids themselves could be facing stress.

your cousin needs to think of ways to lessen the stress on his wife so that his wife doesnt have to look after his mother 24/7.
He should get a helper to help out.
That way both wife and mother are cared for...deteriorating mental health in an elderly person isnt easy to handle at all.
It is extremly stressful.

Your cousin should get his mother around the clock help by hiring a nurse to come daily.
 
Its quite obvious that your cousin's wife could be stressed out ..she is working and has 2 children and needs to attend to the elderly person.
Looks as if there is no way out here.


1) elderly person doesnt want to go back to India.

2) Cousin's wife cant cope.

All these could lead to a lot of friction at home and the kids themselves could be facing stress.

your cousin needs to think of ways to lessen the stress on his wife so that his wife doesnt have to look after his mother 24/7.
He should get a helper to help out.
That way both wife and mother are cared for...deteriorating mental health in an elderly person isnt easy to handle at all.
It is extremly stressful.

Your cousin should get his mother around the clock help by hiring a nurse to come daily.
Nursing assistant (not a certified Nurse) can cost about $25/hour or more. Not cheap. (I know from my personal experience in Virginia).

There is a service called Medicaid (different names in each state), if she qualifies will be the best.
Check this facility I have seen them in some of their locations. They are good for Indian population.

 
There are some Indians who are willing to be care givers as long as you pay them cash. We know a Gujarati lady who comes on 6 months visa to the USA for this purpose. For next 6 months a different lady comes to take care of her. Ask your cousin to check it out with local Indian community.
 
Namaskaram,

This is an issue of my athai and not myself. My athai is old and needs care. Her husband, my athimber, recently passed away. She has some age related issues and declining health. She is with my cousin currently in the USA and she is refusing to go back to India. My cousin is married and doesn't want to move back to India. What are the suggestions and options here.
As difficult as it may seem. A mother who needs care needs their child during these perilous times. For practicality, you can and should hire a full time nurse, get the help of relatives who can take care of her for time being.
 
As difficult as it may seem. A mother who needs care needs their child during these perilous times. For practicality, you can and should hire a full time nurse, get the help of relatives who can take care of her for time being.
Vignesh,
My comment will be harsh to your ears. I am not going to sugarcoat. it.
Great advice but unfortunately very hollow.
If someone is able to take care of it themselves, they will not ask for help.
What is the cost of full-time nurse? is it 24/7? I do know the cost of that in Virginia would be $25 for 16 hours, and $30 for 8 hours. That is $650/day. That is almost $240,00/year. You got to be a warren Buffet or Bill Gates. It is not for ordinary wage earners.
I do not know where that lady is. I am assuming she is in the USA.
Please give advice that is practical without being judgmental.
 
Vignesh,
My comment will be harsh to your ears. I am not going to sugarcoat. it.
Great advice but unfortunately very hollow.
If someone is able to take care of it themselves, they will not ask for help.
What is the cost of full-time nurse? is it 24/7? I do know the cost of that in Virginia would be $25 for 16 hours, and $30 for 8 hours. That is $650/day. That is almost $240,00/year. You got to be a warren Buffet or Bill Gates. It is not for ordinary wage earners.
I do not know where that lady is. I am assuming she is in the USA.
Please give advice that is practical without being judgmental.
Fair enough.
 
Vignesh,
My comment will be harsh to your ears. I am not going to sugarcoat. it.
Great advice but unfortunately very hollow.
If someone is able to take care of it themselves, they will not ask for help.
What is the cost of full-time nurse? is it 24/7? I do know the cost of that in Virginia would be $25 for 16 hours, and $30 for 8 hours. That is $650/day. That is almost $240,00/year. You got to be a warren Buffet or Bill Gates. It is not for ordinary wage earners.
I do not know where that lady is. I am assuming she is in the USA.
Please give advice that is practical without being judgmental.
Thank you!
This is very beautifully said. There are a lot of people who jump on the judgement train and provide unnecessary statements without complete understandings. I understand I have given details that I am comfortable sharing.
 
Namaskaram,

This is an issue of my athai and not myself. My athai is old and needs care. Her husband, my athimber, recently passed away. She has some age related issues and declining health. She is with my cousin currently in the USA and she is refusing to go back to India. My cousin is married and doesn't want to move back to India. What are the suggestions and options here.
What is her status ? Citizen or green card holder ? Can she move into a senior citizen home in the US ?
 
What is her status ? Citizen or green card holder ? Can she move into a senior citizen home in the US ?
For an independent senior living in a one-bedroom apartment will be about $2000.00/month rent. If she has to have food there it will be another $2000/month. Plus medical, plus other expenses. Is it possible for a non-working single lady? But the loneliness will kill her.
Depending on when she became a citizen Medicaid may help but only partially. So again please do some research before jumping in with ideas.
 

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