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Ravi better answer this question quick.
C RAVI
0
Dear Ravi & Ramachandran,
I have been going through this thread which has been well handled and taking a good direction. Though we ( rather our son) have been a victim of girl's parent's undue demands, we used to wonder what exactly they have been searching for! We know of a girl whose parents snubbed us since we were in business ( their argument is that business has high risk and short life). They said they are expecting a boy from a salaried class ( above 60K ++ take home) that too from Chennai ( we live in Madurai with our business taking us all over India and out of India with office in Chennnai). But suddenly we got the news that the girl has moved out of the house, married to one of her collegue of different caste & also at much lower grade than hers. While her parents has been taking one specifc route for their only daugter, she chose a different path!
My question is: What happened to all the demands of the parents! Were all those demands from the girl or from their parents without the knolwedge of the girls?
S.Sankar Narayanan
I have been going through this thread which has been well handled and taking a good direction. Though we ( rather our son) have been a victim of girl's parent's undue demands, we used to wonder what exactly they have been searching for! We know of a girl whose parents snubbed us since we were in business ( their argument is that business has high risk and short life). They said they are expecting a boy from a salaried class ( above 60K ++ take home) that too from Chennai ( we live in Madurai with our business taking us all over India and out of India with office in Chennnai). But suddenly we got the news that the girl has moved out of the house, married to one of her collegue of different caste & also at much lower grade than hers. While her parents has been taking one specifc route for their only daugter, she chose a different path!
My question is: What happened to all the demands of the parents! Were all those demands from the girl or from their parents without the knolwedge of the girls?
S.Sankar Narayanan
C RAVI
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Shri S.Sankar Narayanan,
What ever I could grasp from the ground reality, what I could realize is, many many of the girls parents are in pathetic situation.
They could have no other go than yielding to their daughters demand and put them forward in the marriage market. There are few who have same ideas as that of their daughters pertaining to expectations.
Working girls have active interactions with other caste guys more than with B guys. Hardly we can find B guys in almost all the establishments. Many B guys are either out of TN, within India OR out of India. Hardly we can find any B guys romancing around (I mean with honest love, with the intention of marriage) with any girls in their social circle. If we hardly find any such cases where a B guy and a B girl are in love and are marrying are all from among those who have close interactions as family friends, residing in different areas or in neighborhood. But such are the rarest cases in our community.
Brahmin girls seem to be much attracted with the kicking personality of B guys and their active interactions. Also, since B girls have no necessity/no participation directly/personally in any sort of Pitru Karyams, they have no specific inclination towards the basic brahminical culture to partake with their future B husband.
As well, probably they feel, they would be relieved from any sort of caste stigma of the Indian Society, with discrimination as underprivileged and cornered community.
They feel NB guys are the most practical guys and are not hypocrites. And that, they can have a better and meaningful life with them. As a result we often hear such stories of brahmin girls eloping with other caste guys, as one narrated by you.
S
sunkan
Guest
dear ravi,
i beg to differ in some points here, like the brahmin guys are also on the look out for non brahmins girls for the simple reason too many rules have been set up by the brahmin crowd even these days they ask for same sect like vadama only and so on not realising that these factors can be ignored if a nice profile comes our way and the marriage if settled early then even more better,
it is again the parents of the girls who do not have any boys tend to educate them well so they will support their husbands but the reaction is the girls have started excelling so much in the career field that their expectations have risen too, with non brahmin guys having car and house and all those things that attract a women to settle down with security, when contacted the brahmin guys they are always afraid their parents may not appreciate certain liberal ways like she working in shifts or coming back with her collegues in a car or flying to other countries for projects without the male member accompaniment and so on, times have changed so let us also change and make the changes to our benefits and try to settle the girls as quick as possible, after education, career and then security getting a flat and car all these the girls have become self reliant so in this situation hankering behind sect and other norms of orthodox tradition and many other aspects if avoided can get better result, we cannot avoid the girls coming into contact with the guys in their office it has been there for a very long time, but if demands become reasonable like running a home understanding for the parents of the boys and the girls and so on will pave the way for better unions, now this is my opinion...sunkan
i beg to differ in some points here, like the brahmin guys are also on the look out for non brahmins girls for the simple reason too many rules have been set up by the brahmin crowd even these days they ask for same sect like vadama only and so on not realising that these factors can be ignored if a nice profile comes our way and the marriage if settled early then even more better,
it is again the parents of the girls who do not have any boys tend to educate them well so they will support their husbands but the reaction is the girls have started excelling so much in the career field that their expectations have risen too, with non brahmin guys having car and house and all those things that attract a women to settle down with security, when contacted the brahmin guys they are always afraid their parents may not appreciate certain liberal ways like she working in shifts or coming back with her collegues in a car or flying to other countries for projects without the male member accompaniment and so on, times have changed so let us also change and make the changes to our benefits and try to settle the girls as quick as possible, after education, career and then security getting a flat and car all these the girls have become self reliant so in this situation hankering behind sect and other norms of orthodox tradition and many other aspects if avoided can get better result, we cannot avoid the girls coming into contact with the guys in their office it has been there for a very long time, but if demands become reasonable like running a home understanding for the parents of the boys and the girls and so on will pave the way for better unions, now this is my opinion...sunkan
C RAVI
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Smt.Sunkan.
I very much agree with your points. I go through many matrimonial sites and find demands like - any gothram other than mine & same sect (vadamal/brahcharnam etc) in both boys and girls profiles.
The above is a sort of stigma in our community that is driving away boys and girls towards unconventional choices.
But, believe me, the demands from Brahmin girls and their parents are too much, having the girls accomplished academically and professionally. As well Brahmin girls are least bothered to specifically marry a Brahmin guy and are ready at the drop of a hat to marry a NB guy if he happens to be her MR.Right. Off course girls too are mere humans and their is nothing to accuse/criticize them for their choice of living.
I only feel pity of those girls who all have lost their prime period to relish their life as a married women and are now in 30 plus age group. And still looking out for guys who can meet her each and every expectations
Male and Female are two different personalities with inbuilt senses, many of which are exclusive to both the species. A girl and a boy should have better understanding of these Natural qualities and should be matured, sensible and adjustable enough to accommodate each other and live a harmonious life, with mutual love, care and respect.
In my neighborhood and in my social circle, I find many many NB girls and Muslims girls who all have academically and professionally accomplished, are all marrying a guy though the guy has a lower profile comparatively.
I don't have any bias opinions and criticism on girls. All my observations and expressions here are to share the actual happenings on ground, based on environment, opportunities, accomplishments and human psychology.
I very much agree with your points. I go through many matrimonial sites and find demands like - any gothram other than mine & same sect (vadamal/brahcharnam etc) in both boys and girls profiles.
The above is a sort of stigma in our community that is driving away boys and girls towards unconventional choices.
But, believe me, the demands from Brahmin girls and their parents are too much, having the girls accomplished academically and professionally. As well Brahmin girls are least bothered to specifically marry a Brahmin guy and are ready at the drop of a hat to marry a NB guy if he happens to be her MR.Right. Off course girls too are mere humans and their is nothing to accuse/criticize them for their choice of living.
I only feel pity of those girls who all have lost their prime period to relish their life as a married women and are now in 30 plus age group. And still looking out for guys who can meet her each and every expectations
Male and Female are two different personalities with inbuilt senses, many of which are exclusive to both the species. A girl and a boy should have better understanding of these Natural qualities and should be matured, sensible and adjustable enough to accommodate each other and live a harmonious life, with mutual love, care and respect.
In my neighborhood and in my social circle, I find many many NB girls and Muslims girls who all have academically and professionally accomplished, are all marrying a guy though the guy has a lower profile comparatively.
I don't have any bias opinions and criticism on girls. All my observations and expressions here are to share the actual happenings on ground, based on environment, opportunities, accomplishments and human psychology.
S
S.Ramanathan
Guest
"In my neighborhood and in my social circle, I find many many NB girls and Muslims girls who all have academically and professionally accomplished, are all marrying a guy though the guy has a lower profile comparatively.
I don't have any bias opinions and criticism on girls. All my observations and expressions here are to share the actual happenings on ground, based on environment, opportunities, accomplishments and human psychology."
what Mr. Ravi has observed is true. Now a days Girls feel that they have no responsibility to grow brahmin community since they will be living in another family of their choice after marriage. Other community people are very happy to mary brahmin girls and they are very proud of it. Girls want that they should be taken care well and their wishes should be fulfilled. No pikkal no pudungal.
I don't have any bias opinions and criticism on girls. All my observations and expressions here are to share the actual happenings on ground, based on environment, opportunities, accomplishments and human psychology."
what Mr. Ravi has observed is true. Now a days Girls feel that they have no responsibility to grow brahmin community since they will be living in another family of their choice after marriage. Other community people are very happy to mary brahmin girls and they are very proud of it. Girls want that they should be taken care well and their wishes should be fulfilled. No pikkal no pudungal.
S
sunkan
Guest
again i differ here mr ramanathan,
my daughter is only asking them to agree to allow me to stay with her and in bangalore as her job is here these are the only two and the boys are yet to respond..she also is ready to take care of the boys parents and thinks they should also be happy to have her mother along and think as family.....only time will tell what is for whom and how it should settle matters...sunkan
my daughter is only asking them to agree to allow me to stay with her and in bangalore as her job is here these are the only two and the boys are yet to respond..she also is ready to take care of the boys parents and thinks they should also be happy to have her mother along and think as family.....only time will tell what is for whom and how it should settle matters...sunkan
S
S.Ramanathan
Guest
You and your daughter have good thoughts and good thoughts lead to happy life. Money begets money and good thoughts beget good life. I pray saibaba of shirdi to find a good alliance for your daughter.
Raji Ram
Active member
I wrote earlier in another thread that some girls refer to boys' parents as Rahu & Ketu OR luggage!
But, they expect the boys to allow their parents to stay with them! It is strange! :dizzy:
I strongly feel that whether they are parents of the boy or girl, they should opt to stay away from them
after their wedding! Just extend help only when they need. This idea was nicely expressed in the film
'samsAram adhu minsAram', by Sri. Visu. :thumb:
But, they expect the boys to allow their parents to stay with them! It is strange! :dizzy:
I strongly feel that whether they are parents of the boy or girl, they should opt to stay away from them
after their wedding! Just extend help only when they need. This idea was nicely expressed in the film
'samsAram adhu minsAram', by Sri. Visu. :thumb:
I am guessing that a'nice profile' means meeting the new set of rules and not devoid of any.
Previous criteria have now become rules of the crowd and the new criteria are welcome changes?
Why not? When the purpose and reason for marriage itself is a mystery and murky, why not
ditch the concept of marriage altogether? after all, they were set by the crowd right?
I have a feeling most of us want marriage to last forever and that's where all the problem starts.
That's why the criteria is too rigid to choose a life partner.
No one really known tomorrow so its better to enter marriage with a mind set that "to take one day at a time"
When I got married..I never had the thought that this will last forever sorts..I felt I will do what I have to do as a wife, mother..more than that I leave it to Takdir(Fate).
That way we make a conscious effort to correct our mistakes on a daily,monthly or yearly basis and not take our spouses for granted.
My advise for my son next time is when you grow up choose your own wife and if marriage doesnt work out the way you had wanted it to be..either you repair it or let each other go and start a new life once again.
That's why the criteria is too rigid to choose a life partner.
No one really known tomorrow so its better to enter marriage with a mind set that "to take one day at a time"
When I got married..I never had the thought that this will last forever sorts..I felt I will do what I have to do as a wife, mother..more than that I leave it to Takdir(Fate).
That way we make a conscious effort to correct our mistakes on a daily,monthly or yearly basis and not take our spouses for granted.
My advise for my son next time is when you grow up choose your own wife and if marriage doesnt work out the way you had wanted it to be..either you repair it or let each other go and start a new life once again.
S
sunkan
Guest
dear renuka,
wonderful idea to be implemented but until that change come what can be done children are still to outgrow that though they are modern in outlook still they do not want to venture into something and get a divorcee title so soon in life, here in india divorcees are not much appreciated still so before getting into an alliance it is better to choose atleast a few common interest to carry on...sunkan
wonderful idea to be implemented but until that change come what can be done children are still to outgrow that though they are modern in outlook still they do not want to venture into something and get a divorcee title so soon in life, here in india divorcees are not much appreciated still so before getting into an alliance it is better to choose atleast a few common interest to carry on...sunkan
Dear SunkanJi,
I agree with you cos even out here divorce is a real stigma for the hindu female..guys somehow they are not affected by the stigma as much.
But sometimes even the best of matches still breakdown or decline in affection over the years.
Its really hard to predict outcome of anything actually.
I always joke with my husband that we Indians expect life to be like the Stainless Steel plates we use to eat.
The Stainless Steel plates last almost forever and with all the dents it takes all the years.
Raji Ram
Active member
Selfish nature has generally increased and people do NOT want to face any problem. If a husband or wife
ditches the other for reasons like loosing a job, having some illness and as the like and remarries a better
partner, then a stage will soon come when we often hear the dialogue between a husband and wife as,
'Your child and my child are playing with our child!!'
ditches the other for reasons like loosing a job, having some illness and as the like and remarries a better
partner, then a stage will soon come when we often hear the dialogue between a husband and wife as,
'Your child and my child are playing with our child!!'
S
sunkan
Guest
lol renuka
i am unable to contain myself true now that u mention i feel we have been stainless steel place indeed....
i am unable to contain myself true now that u mention i feel we have been stainless steel place indeed....
C RAVI
0
You are very correct Smt.Raji Ram
If people have to be so alert, calculative and intelligent to have the most perfect partnership for life as husband and wife, and if that fails (as we dunno what will be the challenges as our fate and how can we take it and behave) to go for another partner then why to get into marriage relationship with such sense of uncertainty & standby preparations and disturb the psychology of children?
Why can't fulfill one's emotional and physical needs as a male and female without any legal/societal marriage and without delivering children? So that their would not be any pressure on self to be patient, adjustable and still be loving and caring and live with a sense of bitterness and frustrations.
May be few are the enlightened souls in Indian society of the present era, who all, based on the above rational thinking are opting for "live in relationship" without marriage and seem to be proving themselves as not hypocrites.
Such folks seems to be far better than others, who all are open with their sense of uncertainties of their fate and don't pain each other emotionally and obligatorily.
Now a days the trend is, many so called pragmatic, intelligent, bold and honest girls have their EX boyfriends as standby's and be in touch with them so that if their marriage fails with their husband in arranged marriage, they can have a definite standby partner to switch over.
Instead of doing this and paining each other, either be single and fulfill all your needs without any sting attached or just be in "live in relationship" without any expectations and enjoy yourself till the relationship continues. Once got bored and dropped, get into another "live in relationship" and live a life of isolation at a ripe old age without any near and dear ones to render true love and care as much as a person opting this would not have anything to offer in return as an obligation.
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C RAVI
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Dear Renuka,
Are you sure your husband take your joke as you mean it??
If he takes your analogy as fun talking then it's fine.
By the above analogy do you mean Indian value systems pertaining to chastity and married life is stupid, ridiculous and laughable?
C RAVI
0
The matrimony problems in today's Indian society among the upper middle class, in metro/cosmopolitan cities are the following -
1) False and negative comments about love and marriage between the friends.
2) Having a two facet personality. Keep one for self for the better and another just to show off how intelligent and practical one is and corrupting a friend's mind.
3) Developing negative attitudes about males and females by females and males respectively, among the friends.
4) Craving for verities out of boredom with single relationship.
5) Developing lower sense of family values and higher sense of self sufficiency in the name of rationality.
1) False and negative comments about love and marriage between the friends.
2) Having a two facet personality. Keep one for self for the better and another just to show off how intelligent and practical one is and corrupting a friend's mind.
3) Developing negative attitudes about males and females by females and males respectively, among the friends.
4) Craving for verities out of boredom with single relationship.
5) Developing lower sense of family values and higher sense of self sufficiency in the name of rationality.
S
sunkan
Guest
dear ravi,
whether u appreciate or not all these are the outcome of a phase that is still on, u may be an exception but i cant rule out that with you too when men are bachelors they have great dreams on how well to take care of their wife and all this is shut off when she actually enters as she grows in a different atmosphere and men in different cant expect a ready reckoner and whether we like it or not boys keep saying my mom used to do this better you know and this actually does not help in any relationship, but one must work with what we have in hand, the girl also has a father figure in her mind my dad used to do this do that and so responsible and all, these thoughts are good to be silent and any referral done in silence is bliss...
live in relationship is another aspect i am not aware of and find it very funny seriously for all the virginity talk in some brahmins forum and widow remarriage being debated live in may give freedom but i dont think that is what a human searches ....
people want to be bonded not live a phase and then go on...anyway it is my opinion and i find this solution anyday great even if u marry late let it be with the thought that you will take up responsibility and endure any misunderstanding have patience try to work out, you know these misunderstanding are more with middle men and women yes the people around who put in their thoughts and make the couple feel they should fight it out not someone who says come on this is also a passing cloud like my dad who used to say this often one needs to work on anything and not think this is the end///sunkan
My husband and I are broadminded and have a relationship stable enough to joke without taking everything in the wrong way.
BTW I am also a genetic Indian (People of Indian Origin) but may be my brains functions in a different way from how you view things.
Relax yaar...
OP
OP
Ramacchandran
Guest
You are absolutely right Renu! Only the bride is expected to be fair and beautiful and not the groom! There is a proverb to support them... 'UdhyOgam purusha lakshaNam'!! :high5: But times are changing.
Two days before a bride's father called me. He said the horoscope and others are Okey. The bride rejected as she needs a person like a cine star.
How does she look?Does she look like a good looking cine star herself?(I have used the word good looking cine star cos not all cine stars are good looking these days)
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