Marriage of brahmin boys - why late or no?

[krish44]

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Dear Krish Sir,

Girls want stylish boys and not ammAnji types anymore. So, high time tambram boys wake up!

A boy sporting a tuft and doing daily rituals with utmost care was refused by many tambram girls!

Finally a Guru had to select a girl for him. FYI, the boy is very handsome and has a handsome salary too!

no girl would want outdated people for husband.you know in prohithar community , they look for such matches for their daughters who are well educated and holding good jobs.My brahmin cook is faced with this issue. her daughter who is a PG wants a mod. boy which parents are not prepared to accept. there is a tussle between daughter and parents.I am watching with curiosity who will win

 

[tks]

a very interesting post TKSji
the demands placed onTB boys due to shift of balance and die hard attitude of boys parents have put heavy demands on boys which they are unable to cope with.
some boys escape to foreign countries and also find spouses crossing caste and religion boundaries but a large subservient section stay unmarried upto thirties
but some show aggression on career front and compensate for bad personal life in home front
parents can show some consideration and free them to make their own choices of spouse and not place importance on horoscopes, jewellery and caste or sub caste
parents have to face realities of modern living and help children to make good career and partner choices
I have very poor opinion of TB parents. they have let down their children

Sri Krish

It is hard to be raised as a TB boy these days. Also the parents do what they think is best but are not always well informed.

The government operations and laws are designed to systematically discriminate those carrying a Brahmin tag, certainly in South India.

There is a need to set up a system of mentors for families by pairing with people who are more successful

 

[krish44]

Sri Krish

It is hard to be raised as a TB boy these days. Also the parents do what they think is best but are not always well informed.

The government operations and laws are designed to systematically discriminate those carrying a Brahmin tag, certainly in South India.

There is a need to set up a system of mentors for families by pairing with people who are more successful

TKS sir
with private sector playing a major role in education and jobs in tamilnadu,
slightly well off can avoid discrimination to a large extent.

but it is the section of economically weak brahmins who have to take the brunt of discrimination.

for brahmins , education is the only solution . they are traditionally not good for business . they are monthly wage earners. state govt . in any case does not employ many. if brahmins are well educated , they can take national level competitive exams and get into central services of govt where there is not much discrimination

brahmins have to realise there is world existing beyond tamilnadu . parents should allow children to make a career wherever jobs are available. the extra stress on ritualistic aspects of religion and outmoded rituals to which the kids are subjected to, besides sporting caste signs in public make them subjects of ridicule in society at large.

most parents , though want the best for their children, many times become hindrance for development of children. they try to pass on the religeous baggage they have carried for a lifetime.most parents are beyond redemption .they are not suitable material for any kind of mentoring . children have to find their own way as far as higher education or carer is concerned

as for marriage and getting a spouse for boys,most parents hold on to their male child too long due to their own economic insecurities and fear of the girl entering their their household and their loss of control. boys realise too late that their parents are hidingbehind religion , horoscopes to scuttle their marriages. the slight smart ones find their match and get married with or without parents approval. it is the submissive types who grow old without a match and
damage their lives . many TB boys over 35 yrs are awaiting salvation. I pity them

 

[Raji Ram]

Wow! This thread is gaining momentum .........

P.S: We are never tired of 'Ambi' discussions.

 

[Raji Ram]

How about the girl's parents start asking for money (stree dhan​) at this time?

Dear Biswa Sir,

Overheard in a wedding in Sing. Chennai: The mother of a three year old girl was telling her friend that she will demand
a few lakhs from the groom's side, when her daughter gets married after about two decades! opcorn:

 

[vgane]

Dear Biswa Sir,

Overheard in a wedding in Sing. Chennai: The mother of a three year old girl was telling her friend that she will demand
a few lakhs from the groom's side, when her daughter gets married after about two decades! opcorn:

I remember boys in 70's & 80's talking about seeing up to 2 dozen girls to finalize..Those days are gone!

Now it is time for the boy & his parents to finalize in a jiffy!!

Or you will be forced to wait for months or years!

 

[krish44]

I remember boys in 70's & 80's talking about seeing up to 2 dozen girls to finalize..Those days are gone!

Now it is time for the boy & his parents to finalize in a jiffy!!

Or you will be forced to wait for months or years!

vgane sir
it is not as bad as you suppose.
it is mostly the fears and enemy within in case of brahmin boys
boy and his parents do not approach the issue of marriage with an open mind .the basic requirements of boy and parents are often in conflict
parents fear for themselves and would like the traditional type which is not demanding or highly educated or accomplished which can fit into their family . they get get into horoscope, dowry cycles.
boys look for mod. educated working types , not worried about horoscope or caste or sub caste.
they do not arrive at an understanding what they are looking for.
these are basic contradictions
on a case by case basis they get into research and keep going in circles for a few years

if they come to an understanding , the girl would be too good for them and boys get rejected .

I know boys who are in this fishing cycle for years

since there are online sites for marriage , many issues get resolved before boy meeting the girl,
most girls know what is good for them and summarily reject boys who do not meet their expectations . Often mothers of the girl expertly guide the girls in rejecting TB goats. the terms they set often scares most boys and their parents

the traditional families probably can opt for girls from other communities who are less demanding.
there is no sanctity in being brahmin. some NBs will be too happy to get into traditional brahmin families accepting their terms and fulfiling their aspirations. Why not?
I know one NB boy from an affluent family wanting to marry a TB girl class mate-my relation
she coldly set her terms - PG education in US on boys account for caste compromise. she coolly took off after marriage ,did her MS from US and she has a very good job in an investment bank in newyork . caste compromise for US education both are happy.
the girls grandparents refused to the arrangement . parents were were forced to accept.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Krish Sir,

At times you appear very innocent! :lol:

See.... the first condition for the boys settled in the U S of A to get a girl from India is the promise for her M S degree at his cost! :thumb:

In one wedding, the chithi of the bride loudly asked her whether the 'mAppiLLai paiyan' promised to get her the master's degree! :blah:

 

[renuka]

Dear Krish Sir,

At times you appear very innocent! :lol:

See.... the first condition for the boys settled in the U S of A to get a girl from India is the promise for her M S degree at his cost! :thumb:

In one wedding, the chithi of the bride loudly asked her whether the 'mAppiLLai paiyan' promised to get her the master's degree! :blah:

Dear RR ji,

I am surprised to read that girls in India milk their husbands dry for their further studies.

Out here my friends who went on to study doing a Post Graduate Medical degree payed themselves cos one still works while studying for a MRCP/FRCS equivalent to India MD/MS..one works in the hospital and studies at the same time and the salary got by working is used to pay for the PG and since out here one does PG thru government its not that costly too.

Out here no one really makes spouse pay for their PG cos mostly people only marry after their PG so that they can concentrate on family life..cos studying for PG and being a newly wed is not easy cos it might involve transfers and posting to different states.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Renu,

Getting P G degree with hubby's money is better! One Telugu girl wooed an Ambi type Iyengar boy, got married, stayed with him

for five years, did not want a child, sent all her earnings to her parents in Andhra and ultimately divorced him and made him pay

the compensation money in '$'s through his nose! Poor guy lost his house also. Luckily he has a good job with a handsome salary

and hence managing well. This happened in the U S of A!

 

[biswa]

I know one NB boy from an affluent family wanting to marry a TB girl class mate-my relation
she coldly set her terms - PG education in US on boys account for caste compromise. she coolly took off after marriage ,did her MS from US and she has a very good job in an investment bank in newyork . caste compromise for US education both are happy.
the girls grandparents refused to the arrangement . parents were were forced to accept.

Krish Sir,

Why do you say caste compromise for US education? Couldn't either of them (either caste compromise or PG funding) happen because of love/regard/respect/family upliftment?

If same-caste couple self-paid for spouse's education, it wouldnt be because of caste, would it?

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,

At times you appear very innocent! :lol:

See.... the first condition for the boys settled in the U S of A to get a girl from India is the promise for her M S degree at his cost! :thumb:

In one wedding, the chithi of the bride loudly asked her whether the 'mAppiLLai paiyan' promised to get her the master's degree! :blah:

in this case the boy was a classmate of same age studying with her in india. the burden was on boy parents who were very well off and rich.the boy was also going abroad after marriage for a higher degree in US.
I thought the girl was smart to realise caste does not mean much.
the traditional grand parents could not accept the compromise
I recommend a similar course for TB boys. they can select a traditional girl from other castes/ states who can put up with their parents who still cling to notions of male superiority.

 

[krish44]

Krish Sir,

Why do you say caste compromise for US education? Couldn't either of them (either caste compromise or PG funding) happen because of love/regard/respect/family upliftment?

If same-caste couple self-paid for spouse's education, it wouldnt be because of caste, would it?

in this case opposition of girls family due to caste was openly manifest. the grand parents of the girl refused to accept the compromise of caste
in same caste also such things could happen , I agree.in such cases ,the boy would have been in US aspiring for a TB girl from india and sacrificing money for match. I firmly believe it is mostly a commercial trade in arranged marriages .
love is a lofty sentiment .in arranged marriage market it is non existent. it is only cold blooded calculation
many girls are on look out for gullible boys who can better her life and her family also along with it. there is nothing lofty about. this is my honest opinion

 

[renuka]

Dear Renu,

Getting P G degree with hubby's money is better! One Telugu girl wooed an Ambi type Iyengar boy, got married, stayed with him

for five years, did not want a child, sent all her earnings to her parents in Andhra and ultimately divorced him and made him pay

the compensation money in '$'s through his nose! Poor guy lost his house also. Luckily he has a good job with a handsome salary

and hence managing well. This happened in the U S of A!

Dear RR ji,

There are certain things in life that a man or woman should do on his/her own..for example both should not try to milk each of money thinking they are entitled to it.

One should strive to be independent and to have some dignity so that if anything were to backfire no one can point finger to us and say "have you forgotten that it was me who paid this and that for you".

I always believe never to be indebted to anyone for anything so we can always walk away without feeling any guilt if things dont work out..no one can call us ungrateful if we are self made in life. Walking away with someone else's money thru crooked means is not a smart move cos we have lost our dignity and no amount of money can buy that.

 

[krish44]

Dear RR ji,

There are certain things in life that a man or woman should do on his/her own..for example both should not try to milk each of money thinking they are entitled to it.

One should strive to be independent and to have some dignity so that if anything were to backfire no one can point finger to us and say "have you forgotten that it was me who paid this and that for you".

I always believe never to be indebted to anyone for anything so we can always walk away without feeling any guilt if things dont work out..no one can call us ungrateful if we are self made in life. Walking away with someone else's money thru crooked means is not a smart move cos we have lost our dignity and no amount of money can buy that.

renukaji
you have a lot to teach the ladies of this forum


independence,dignity and self respect are basic values which all ladies should value
.
I find ladies who belong to even the lowest strata of society who earn their own living possess these qualities as

compared to middle class housewives who become dependent on their husbands in economic sense.

it is the latter who suffer indignity ,loss of respect and are subjected to domestic violence.

 

[renuka]

renukaji
you have a lot to teach the ladies of this forum


independence,dignity and self respect are basic values which all ladies should value
.
I find ladies who belong to even the lowest strata of society who earn their own living possess these qualities as

compared to middle class housewives who become dependent on their husbands in economic sense.

it is the latter who suffer indignity ,loss of respect and are subjected to domestic violence.

Dear Krish ji,

I believe in equality..so both husband and wife should know where to draw the line when it comes to life,finance etc.

I have noticed some woman from India when they marry they think they have become the Boss of the house and all husbands money belongs to them.

I remember once I had worked in a clinic (long back) run by 2 doctors..one of the doctor was married to a female doctor from India (but she was not allowed to work yet cos she was still waiting for her permit to work here)..but she used to really torture the nurses..whenever there was a problem she used to be shouting on top of her voice to the nurses saying "This is my husband's clinic..so that means its mine..so better do things right"

Ok now here is the best part..the clinic came with a ground floor and 1st floor..the doctors resting rooms were on the 1st floor..one day she was looking for her husband and she asked the nurse "where is my husband" and the nurse replied in Tamil "doctor மேலே poitangga" what she meant is Doctor has gone upstairs!

But the female doc from India started shouting and saying "Aiyoo how dare you say that my husband has gone up to heaven ..when he is still alive''

She then took out her thali and started placing it on her eyes and started shouting again at the nurse!

But after a while the partners called it the quits cos the female doc from India who was just the wife of one of the partners started to interfere with accounts of the clinic cos she wanted to control everything.So both partners fought cos their original agreement said that no spouses shall get involved in running the clinic.

 

[krish44]

renukaji
you might believe in equality.
but most men believe they are more equal than females
they would deny equal rights to their spouses irrespective of their qualifications and would like them to be subservient to them
many times equality however much females might like is denied to them
one has to be discreet in exercise of equal rights between sexes
you know dumb ladies who worship their men are appreciated by men . equal rights types sometimes are taken for a ride and they also get exploited.
it is your karmas as some would say { I am not a believer of this}

 

[biswa]

in this case opposition of girls family due to caste was openly manifest. the grand parents of the girl refused to accept the compromise of caste
in same caste also such things could happen , I agree.in such cases ,the boy would have been in US aspiring for a TB girl from india and sacrificing money for match. I firmly believe it is mostly a commercial trade in arranged marriages .
love is a lofty sentiment .in arranged marriage market it is non existent. it is only cold blooded calculation
many girls are on look out for gullible boys who can better her life and her family also along with it. there is nothing lofty about. this is my honest opinion

Then how do you explain that more love marriages end in divorce than arranged marriages?

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,

At times you appear very innocent! :lol:

See.... the first condition for the boys settled in the U S of A to get a girl from India is the promise for her M S degree at his cost! :thumb:

In one wedding, the chithi of the bride loudly asked her whether the 'mAppiLLai paiyan' promised to get her the master's degree! :blah: [/QUOTE
RRji
Frankly I did not know that the practise of financing MS for girls in return for marriage was widely rampant

I think girls are going overboard in setting terms losing their self respect.

such ideas originate from parents of the girl and implemented by the girls.

they will regret later when quarrels start on money and who paid for what

it is better for girls to hold their heads high and assert their financial independance

 

[krish44]

Then how do you explain that more love marriages end in divorce than arranged marriages?

in love marriages , both show themselves as perfect mates with no negative points before marriage
Post marriage they are unable to live upto the images they have projected of themselves leading to disappointments and sometimes break ups
modern living has got complicated . there are lot of pressures on youngsters . many are unable to cope and pre marriage commitments wear off very fast

 

[renuka]

renukaji
you might believe in equality.
but most men believe they are more equal than females
they would deny equal rights to their spouses irrespective of their qualifications and would like them to be subservient to them
many times equality however much females might like is denied to them
one has to be discreet in exercise of equal rights between sexes
you know dumb ladies who worship their men are appreciated by men . equal rights types sometimes are taken for a ride and they also get exploited.
it is your karmas as some would say { I am not a believer of this}

Dear Krish ji,

Yes you are right..dumb ladies are appreciated by men but at the same time they are not as dumb as we think they are..its the dumb ladies who knows how to swindle her husbands money and make him do all work for her and spend all money on her.

So maintaining a dumb female is not an easy task..they actually costs more and are high maintenance and men dont mind paying for an ego boost.

Equal rights types can never be exploited cos the equal rights types knows her rights and she does not make use of anyone.

 

[renuka]

Then how do you explain that more love marriages end in divorce than arranged marriages?

I think this problem is only seen in India cos out here there is no major difference in the statistics or divorce rates of arranged and love marriage..in fact both can work out and both can fail..here arranged marriage is the last resort..that is if somene cant find a spouse on his/her own only then one opts for an arranged marriage.

In fact when anyone knows that you had an arranged marriage the 1st thing they will ask you is "Dont tell me you could not find anyone to get married to and had to opt for an arranged marriage"..many people who had arranged marriages actually lie they had love marriages so that no one makes fun of them.

In India I think parents pressurize their kids who have had love marriages and all the problem starts and love marriages break down easier.

 

[Raji Ram]

Then how do you explain that more love marriages end in divorce than arranged marriages?

My answer:

It depends on why the lovvu started! If the lovvu started for financial benefits, it might soon break up when money is not

received as expected! If the lovvu started expecting total freedom, it might soon break up when total freedom is curtailed!

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish ji,

Yes you are right..dumb ladies are appreciated by men but at the same time they are not as dumb as we think they are..its the dumb ladies who knows how to swindle her husbands money and make him do all work for her and spend all money on her.

So maintaining a dumb female is not an easy task..they actually costs more and are high maintenance and men dont mind paying for an ego boost.

Equal rights types can never be exploited cos the equal rights types knows her rights and she does not make use of anyone.

renukaji
have you ever wondered how difficult it is to cope with ladies who demand equal rights?

one has to be more circumspect and they have to be handled like rare species.

it can be intellectually challenging and emotionally draining.

overworked men require females who can feed their ego and treat them like God even if they are

idiots. thats where so called dumb types score.

equality types only hurt their mates and damage themselves.

moral of the story . be dumb and spread happiness all around .internally feel equal and do not let the other party know it.

I suggested this to you sometime back .lol

 

[krish44]

I think this problem is only seen in India cos out here there is no major difference in the statistics or divorce rates of arranged and love marriage..in fact both can work out and both can fail..here arranged marriage is the last resort..that is if somene cant find a spouse on his/her own only then one opts for an arranged marriage.

In fact when anyone knows that you had an arranged marriage the 1st thing they will ask you is "Dont tell me you could not find anyone to get married to and had to opt for an arranged marriage"..many people who had arranged marriages actually lie they had love marriages so that no one makes fun of them.

In India I think parents pressurize their kids who have had love marriages and all the problem starts and love marriages break down easier.

indian parents shrug off children who have had love marriages since they feel they are not

parties to the marriage . so the love marriage couples have to work harder to make their

marriages work. love marriages with blessings reluctantly given by parents are left without full

hearted family support without which it is difficult to live in todays world