Marriage of brahmin boys - why late or no?

[krish44]

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hi

sometimes like this too......ENNA AANALUM THAAYUM SEYUM ONTRU THAANE.....ATHUKUNNU NAAMA VITTU KUDUKKAVA MUDIYUM....

ENNA AANAALUM AVA NAMMA PONNU THAANE.....ENGE IRUNTHAKKUM SANTHOSHAMA IRUNTHA PODUM.....likw this i heard

from orthodox TB families in USA..here the case....the tb gal married a white boy...in another case..very orthodox tb boy married

a white gal.... i heard fron both families.....AVA RENDU ROMBA SANTHOSHAMAGA THAAN IRUKKARAANGA...these words from

mamis of 2 families....but both mamas are silent...no comments abt white boy/white gal...

compromising and accepting childerens choice can be very painful for the elder generation. to live under the same roof is calling for a huge sacrifice. when lifestyles do not match it is wise to live separately take RRjis view "ava veetukuku dinamuma pogapporom"

 

[vgane]

If you visit Ayodhya Mandapam in West Mambalam area you will find notices about alliances for children born out of such wedlock" Brahmin/Non Brahmin" marriage...Not sure whether we are creating a separate caste for this group?

 

[krish44]

If you visit Ayodhya Mandapam in West Mambalam area you will find notices about alliances for children born out of such wedlock" Brahmin/Non Brahmin" marriage...Not sure whether we are creating a separate caste for this group?

there is a strong need for atleast a forum for these unfortunate lot.these children find it difficult to get matches from both B/NB communities. They have been made outcastes by both B/NB

 

[sarang]

Problem will vanish if this subcaste reaches a critical volume. Why worry?

there is a strong need for atleast a forum for these unfortunate lot.these children find it difficult to get matches from both B/NB communities. They have been made outcastes by both B/NB

 

[kunjuppu]

you know something interesting when two members in my inlaws family married- girl different caste,boy different religion christian ,both got disowned for almost a lifetime. interestingly when my father in law was seriously ill with dementia, in his last year before passing away both looked after him . Disowned daughter arranged to live with her father for one year and the son financed it-probably due to guilt complex. the boy also performed the last rites with christian daughter in law in madisar and thali participating in full. life can be stranger than fiction.

dear krish, dont want to pry, but if you dont mind..were these the only two children? or were there others?

i think given acceptance, there is a good chance, that our traditions will be respected and followed, if our youngster has feelings for our values. in many cases, they dont care or are against it,which is why, they convert. very few cases of compulsion, and that mostly due to circumstances. this is my opinion.

for those settled in the west, there is no issues of relatives. and most of their children marry away from the community, for many reasons, one of the main ones being, that the parents dont object. and the concept of love enters into the equation

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear TtBS Sir,

About Tambram - White combination ... What I see often is that the white boys get used to 'thachchi mammu' whereas

the white girls do not relish it so much!

 

[krish44]

dear krish, dont want to pry, but if you dont mind..were these the only two children? or were there others?

i think given acceptance, there is a good chance, that our traditions will be respected and followed, if our youngster has feelings for our values. in many cases, they dont care or are against it,which is why, they convert. very few cases of compulsion, and that mostly due to circumstances. this is my opinion.

for those settled in the west, there is no issues of relatives. and most of their children marry away from the community, for many reasons, one of the main ones being, that the parents dont object. and the concept of love enters into the equation

there were other children in my inlaws family - who got traditionally married and settled including 4 more girls . and one boy. all kept quiet and allowed these intercaste and inter religion matches to support the ailing man.their feeling was let these fellows also take some extended family responsibiities. they rose to the occassion. the next generation was liberal enough to accept these matches.they in turn respected our traditions . my NB relative by marriage spent hours nursing the old man and christian girl performed the hindu rights of death religeously enough. human beings have human feelings . caste and religion are artificial barriers for human relationships.

 

[krish44]

Problem will vanish if this subcaste reaches a critical volume. Why worry?

ic children are not nuclear bombs to wait for a critical mass . they require acceptance. they may also become like LGBT . love marriages are an option. it is interesting . these ic children types hunger for a traditional match from higher of the two castes in IC which is ruled out due to non acceptance by TB community. tamilnadu is highly castiest in this respect

 

[krish44]

Problem will vanish if this subcaste reaches a critical volume. Why worry?

ic children are not nuclear bombs to wait for a critical mass . they require acceptance. they may also become like LGBT . love marriages are an option. it is interesting . these ic children types hunger for a traditional match from higher of the two castes in IC which is ruled out due to non acceptance by TB community. tamilnadu is highly casteist in this respect

 

[ganukanchi]

simple try to educate your wife / sister / mother and other women in your family circle about our brahmin culture and revive the practice of "thaimaman's" (uncle's) son or daughter getting married to "athai's" (aunt's) daughter or son. encourage our younger generation to wear our traditional clothes `veshti' or `thundu' by boys and `pavadai' or saree by girls while they are at home or at weekends but necessarily during festivals or auspicious functions.
do not forget to perform `upanayanam' to boys at the appropriate age and ensure that they perform `sandhya vandhanams' on both morning and evening.

 

[Vanaja Mani]

I do not believe a girl would back out of a wedding for this reason especially after all the preparations have been done. No job in the USA is permanent. There was probably something more serious which both sets of parents do not want people to know.

Dear Mrs. Raji Ram,

Well said. I agree with every word of yours. Recently one Girl rejected the alliance just before two months of the Muhurtham date,( for which "nichyathaartham" took place an year back). The alleged reason is that the boy's job may not be permanent in US. The boy, (only son for his parents ) is well qualified and holding good position and living in US for five years. This is inspite of the fact she had gone to US with her brother to meet the boy in person and to find out his position etc. The boy's parents were shell shocked by this sudden turn of events, since they had distributed the invitations to all the relatives and friends. They had to contact all those invitees apologetically over phone to inform the cancellation of the wedding.
Parents of the girl had to face equally worse situation and financial loss as well.
Both the parents have to face "loss of face" in their families due to this event.

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[Vanaja Mani]

I am really intrigued by this post that Brahmin boys are unable to find brahmin girls. I think a lot of boys parents still have the old superiority complex when dealing with the girls parents. A close relation of mine, their daughter and a tambrahm boy were mutually introduced by friends. Since both parents were also looking for alliances for their wards, the boy and girl thought it would be easy. How wrong they were !

The boys parents behaved like 19th century agraharam people and totally controlled everything, treated the girls side like dirt etc. Boy turned out to be a 'songi' who could not open his mouth against his parents. Girls parents put up with everything. They were happy at least the boy is tambrahm.

After the engagement things got worse including complaining about the quality of the silverware purchased by the girls side. To top that they started controlling the girl in respect of her career choices all of which were initially agreed upon by the boy. It also came out that they had mis-represented several facts to the girl side. After lot of thinking, girls side backed out. While we were upset there was also huge relief.

Down the track if this girl chooses a non -brahmin guy who keeps his word, has a decent family who are broad-minded and liberal I am sure her parents would readily agree.

 

[krish44]

times and expectations have changed. with girls becoming highly educated and economic entities with good jobs they want a relationship based on equity and fairness from boys and his parents. parents mindset has not changed keeping with this new reality.
they can cannot think beyond gold ,silver and perhaps control the girls career choices.
girls do not put up with such things anymore
in fact they are calling the shots and separating TB boys from his parents and sending them to retirement homes . besides they are insisting on supporting their own parents leading to conflicts in many marriages.
The girl is lucky . she has called it off.
you know still if a nb boy or an intercaste boy with one brahmin parent comes forward to marry the girl ,neither the girl or her parents will accept. this is the reality of caste system in tamil nadu.

 

[vgane]

What Mrs Mani indicates is 100% true..It was a boy's market 30 years back...The situation has turned 100% reverse now..It will not be a misnomer to say that it is a girl's market now...Educated girls can pick and choose their groom

If brahmin boys are going to be cowed down by their parents to keep the inlaws or the bride in shackles they can better forget getting married..They will turn out to be losers ..Flexibility, mutual adjustment and give & take are the norms of the 21st century marriage..Can you not inveigle the bride & their family with sweet talk..You have to perform the role that brides parents did a few centuries back to get their daughters married!

 

[ganukanchi]

I am really intrigued by this post that Brahmin boys are unable to find brahmin girls. I think a lot of boys parents still have the old superiority complex when dealing with the girls parents. A close relation of mine, their daughter and a tambrahm boy were mutually introduced by friends. Since both parents were also looking for alliances for their wards, the boy and girl thought it would be easy. How wrong they were !

The boys parents behaved like 19th century agraharam people and totally controlled everything, treated the girls side like dirt etc. Boy turned out to be a 'songi' who could not open his mouth against his parents. Girls parents put up with everything. They were happy at least the boy is tambrahm.

After the engagement things got worse including complaining about the quality of the silverware purchased by the girls side. To top that they started controlling the girl in respect of her career choices all of which were initially agreed upon by the boy. It also came out that they had mis-represented several facts to the girl side. After lot of thinking, girls side backed out. While we were upset there was also huge relief.

Down the track if this girl chooses a non -brahmin guy who keeps his word, has a decent family who are broad-minded and liberal I am sure her parents would readily agree.

==
thanks vanajamani for indicting our (probably not yours) community by stating that all tamil brahmins, including the parents of the girl whom you claimed as tamil brahmins, as mean-minded group.
one thing I am sure that a non-brahmin broad minded guy would definitely keep his word because he might not have any respect for his mother or father. but we brahmin boys always want to hail and respect our `thaayar' (mother) first and then only the `baaryal' (wife). if you people think it is a crime no problem.

 

[krish44]

What Mrs Mani indicates is 100% true..It was a boy's market 30 years back...The situation has turned 100% reverse now..It will not be a misnomer to say that it is a girl's market now...Educated girls can pick and choose their groom

If brahmin boys are going to be cowed down by their parents to keep the inlaws or the bride in shackles they can better forget getting married..They will turn out to be losers ..Flexibility, mutual adjustment and give & take are the norms of the 21st century marriage..Can you not inveigle the bride & their family with sweet talk..You have to perform the role that brides parents did a few centuries back to get their daughters married!

you know vganeji

many girls act perversely . most adjustments are expected from boys and their parents. in many cases, the girls do not have a mind of their own . in most cases for boys it is mamiyar kodumai. most adjustments,, flexibility is from boys side. yet most boys do not opt for NBs. there are many NBs and girls from other religions who can satisfy the aspirations of Tb boys and their parents.

many north indian girls are more liberal and cosmopolitan and are not caste minded like TBs. I have come across many north -south combinations in delhi. they seem to be happy with their choices.so TB boys can stay off TB girls and exercise their choice of mate fulfilling their aspirations than getting stuck with TB girls.

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Krish Sir,

Who said tambram girls are not brave? They are ready to go for IC and IR weddings

and do not care for Ambi type boys any more!!

 

[krish44]

Dear Krish Sir,

Who said tambram girls are not brave? They are ready to go for IC and IR weddings

and do not care for Ambi type boys any more!!

dear RRji
i have some highly qualified boys who have intercaste brahmin-NB parents. they are paying the price of intercaste marriage of parents unable to get girls of either community. in tamilnadu people are maximum caste minded . one cannot have an arranged marriage crossing the caste boundaries that easily

 

[Raji Ram]

Dear Krish Sir,

Girls want stylish boys and not ammAnji types anymore. So, high time tambram boys wake up!

A boy sporting a tuft and doing daily rituals with utmost care was refused by many tambram girls!

Finally a Guru had to select a girl for him. FYI, the boy is very handsome and has a handsome salary too!

 

[tbs]

Dear Krish Sir,

Who said tambram girls are not brave? They are ready to go for IC and IR weddings

and do not care for Ambi type boys any more!!

hi madam,

even these IR/IC married parents want their kids want from brahmin communities....recently i heard that the girl is tambram and

she got mariied with a NB....now she wants her daughter to get marry with tambram boy....once she was against with tambram

boys in her childhood and opted NB boy....now she became a mother of agirl want get to be married with a tambram boy...

may be some AMBI will be available...now a days AMBIS are 40+ years of brahmachari...

 

[tks]

Birth based entitlement to the term TB has harsh realities and is actually without substance.
Most who even learn the rituals do so as 'blah blah' etc which at best may contributes to their abilities to memorize.

Even the Sastrigal types who have gone through Veda Patashala formally lack real knowledge of deep significance except to demonstrate their ability to memorize complex and detailed steps. When it comes to real significance their knowledge is often limited to parroting what they may have heard which they tend to supplement by own creativity (popularly known as கை சரக்கு) like all other TBs do.

In today's world people have become needy thanks to advances in means of communication. The aspiration to achieve the lifestyles of rich and famous now exist among many families. TB girls have no attraction to birth based entitlements only and many have no basis to be impressed by even those that are well versed in rituals. In fact those who are too much into rituals may not turn out to be trustworthy in their mind.

Now there is no contradiction between being பருப்பு திங்கும் vegetarian TB boys who is satvic and into rituals (with understanding) and achieving great things in careers that pay well. The opportunity is limited for many as a starting point but the impediments to material success often arise from their own internal script which they have to overcome.

Parents and those in parental roles are self centered holding onto some meaningless ideals that ends up harming the future of many of these kids. If there are less number of girls than boys that is due to stupid actions done by many to manipulate the balance which started some two decades ago.

The price to be paid now is for those that have sons to become subservient as well as aggressive at the same time.

Subservient to show willingness to adopt, go across subcaste and even caste boundaries when needed.

Aggressiveness is needed to view the world as full of opportunities and seize them.

 

[tbs]

hi
recently i heard a story in chennai....a beautiful iyengar girl opted for NB boy from her co worker in the same office....the NB is very

rich and his parents are willing to accept the girl without a single paise......the girl like it...still her parents are very consevative

and rigid.....

 

[biswa]

How about the girl's parents start asking for money (stree dhan​) at this time?

 

[krish44]

Birth based entitlement to the term TB has harsh realities and is actually without substance.
Most who even learn the rituals do so as 'blah blah' etc which at best may contributes to their abilities to memorize.

Even the Sastrigal types who have gone through Veda Patashala formally lack real knowledge of deep significance except to demonstrate their ability to memorize complex and detailed steps. When it comes to real significance their knowledge is often limited to parroting what they may have heard which they tend to supplement by own creativity (popularly known as கை சரக்கு) like all other TBs do.

In today's world people have become needy thanks to advances in means of communication. The aspiration to achieve the lifestyles of rich and famous now exist among many families. TB girls have no attraction to birth based entitlements only and many have no basis to be impressed by even those that are well versed in rituals. In fact those who are too much into rituals may not turn out to be trustworthy in their mind.

Now there is no contradiction between being பருப்பு திங்கும் vegetarian TB boys who is satvic and into rituals (with understanding) and achieving great things in careers that pay well. The opportunity is limited for many as a starting point but the impediments to material success often arise from their own internal script which they have to overcome.

Parents and those in parental roles are self centered holding onto some meaningless ideals that ends up harming the future of many of these kids. If there are less number of girls than boys that is due to stupid actions done by many to manipulate the balance which started some two decades ago.

The price to be paid now is for those that have sons to become subservient as well as aggressive at the same time.

Subservient to show willingness to adopt, go across subcaste and even caste boundaries when needed.

Aggressiveness is needed to view the world as full of opportunities and seize them.

a very interesting post TKSji
the demands placed onTB boys due to shift of balance and die hard attitude of boys parents have put heavy demands on boys which they are unable to cope with.
some boys escape to foreign countries and also find spouses crossing caste and religion boundaries but a large subservient section stay unmarried upto thirties
but some show aggression on career front and compensate for bad personal life in home front
parents can show some consideration and free them to make their own choices of spouse and not place importance on horoscopes, jewellery and caste or sub caste
parents have to face realities of modern living and help children to make good career and partner choices
I have very poor opinion of TB parents. they have let down their children

 

[krish44]

How about the girl's parents start asking for money (stree dhan​) at this time?

girls instead ask for right to support their own parents for a lifetime
Many parents of TB boys end up on the streets after donating their sons to families of TB girls
coimbotore retirement homes are full of parents of TB boys deserted by son and dil