Happy Mothers day

[renuka]

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I appreciate your concept. Actually, the motivation behind once a year mother’s day remembrance is to exorcise the ghost of 24/7 rat race that modern life has forced people into, involving separated or broken families, jobs far away from home, apartment living that does not encourage more than husband/wife/one or two children under the same roof, etc etc.

As Indians, we are also afflicted with the same rat race mentality. But, I was also thinking along the same lines as you:

But then we cannot escape the modern reality of job away from where you grew up. So, a good compromise: make the first Sunday of every month a day to call your parents home and show that you care.

Another alternative: call every Friday! And/or every festival day.

I stay just 15 mins away from my parents house.I call my mum some 4-5 times a day and I am there at their home almost everyday.So it parents day almost daily for me.

 

[vgane]

Sure!!!! That's what I am yearning for and hopefully looking forward.

There is no doubt in me about appreciating and protecting the interest of my future wife with honest love, respect and care. The same would be the case with my MIL too if she loves me like her son, like her own daughter, like her own family member.

How can I have a different mental make up when I love bondage and relationship without which I would be absolutely incomplete as a human and would never be able to honestly work towards perfection in my Love of Human Relationships.

Mothers are mothers. My mother or My future Wife's mother, both offer lots of love and care to their respective children and certainly undergo lots of sacrifices in some or other way for the sake of their children. We are the fine products of these great mothers without whom we would not be now living together as Husband-Wife.

As every Husband would expect his wife to love and respect his mother and father (whatever may be the differences of opinions among elders as sambandhis), every Husband should offer the same to that of wife's mother and father. The differences of opinions and arguments between husband and wife and the resultant anger at time or from time to time should not be reflected on each others parents by each other.


For me, mothers love and commitments and that of Wife's love and commitments are both honorable, admirable and most valuable. None of them or lower or higher against each other. Just that, the role play in our life differs and it's humans life where we give priority more to whom we are committed 24/7 in a family relationship. But, that certainly need not to diminish our sense of Love towards our parents and should not make us avoiding any possible expressions of love towards our parents.

Even if we ironically fail to express our love towards our parents in any ways, due any reasons, having our own family burdens, we should at least hold on our love and respect in our heart towards our parents and should never allow any one to talk ill of them/abuse them.

Dear Ravi,

Appreciate your love and affection for your mother..


Answering pessimists who rue that most of the sons say the above lines BM (Before Marriage)...

AM (After Marriage) the son gets caught between two contrarian emotions- of his mother & wife...Most son's stop seeing reason & gets fixated by either mother or wife...

We have both the extremes-just believing what the mother says & neglecting the wife to one's own peril or agreeing to all the terms & conditions of wife and neglecting & contradicting the mother which is viewed as disrespect to her.

So the ability to see reason and be fair and also be viewed as fair is crucial for the success of managing the household...This requires a deft manoeuvring which even a skilled person may fail at times & then he has to manage the human trauma of emotions.

Good luck to you !

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Ravi,


So the ability to see reason and be fair and also be viewed as fair is any crucial for the success of managing household...This requires a deft manoeuvring which even a skilled person may fail at times & then he has to manage the human trauma of emotions.

Good luck to you !

Very well said Shri.vgane,

That's why I concluded my post #72, that -

-----------
Even if we ironically fail to express our love towards our parents in any ways, due any reasons, having our own family burdens, we should at least hold on our love and respect in our heart towards our parents and should never allow any one to talk ill of them/abuse them.
-----------

We should refrain from hating and insulting our parents, getting carried by the hatred of others. In our efforts towards managing the human trauma of emotions, we should refrain from hating, insulting and abusing our parents and our wife.

We may face hardship to manage with the emotional trauma of our self, our parents and that of our wife BUT should refrain from discarding the value of each of our most sensible and meaningful relationships.

If we could achieve this, then, we would be able to keep our values intact and would help others as well to understand and accept the values of true and meaningful relationships.

 

[nannilam_balasubramanian]

One should not forgot their Mother, if she is alive, (if not living with them), as these
days joint family system does not exist, besides there are many others reasons to keep
the parents away. Above all, one should not drive them to age old homes, which is more
specific. Give them, whatever possible from within your means and keep them happy.
In some houses, I have seen, if there more than one Son, brothers do play a game and
at last no one comes forward to look after their parents in their old age.

Balasubramanian
Ambattur

 

[renuka]

Actually I feel the problem of a man being torn between a mother and a wife arises only if he has an irritating interfering mother or possessive wife or both.

Some woman as they age they demand lots of attention to show to their DIL that their son loves them.
And DIL reacts badly to that and all hell breaks lose.


What is sometimes loosely dubbed the "Reverse Oedipus Complex".(it's not really a confirmed term in Psychology)

Ok before that let me explain Oedipus complex first(this is a confirmed terminology in Psychology)

The Oedipal complex is a term used by Sigmund Freud in his theory of ​

psychosexual stages of development

to describe a boy's feelings of desire for his mother and jealously and anger towards his father. Essentially, a boy feels like he is in competition with his father for possession of his mother. He views his father as a rival for her attentions and affections.
​

Oedipal Complex - What Is an Oedipal Complex

​

Ok now coming to mother son relationship from what I have observed in the Indian society when a woman ages and hits menopause she is almost at the age where her children have grown up and starting their lives.

At that age a woman sexual drives dips with the cessation of hormonal production of the ovaries.
Some feel moody and less attractive and also they get less attention from husbands.
In the Indian society being sexually active at old age is often frowned upon.
So when attention from husband drops woman will try to make it up by being the center of attraction of their own home.

They turn into the Dominant Matriarch.That's the only way they can get back the lost attention in their life.
This spells doom for their son/sons cos now the Reverse Oedipus Complex takes a strong foothold that is

Reverse Oedipus Complex:

describes a mother's feelings and desire of undying love and attention for her son and jealously and anger towards her daughter in law. Essentially, a mother feels like she is in competition with her DIL for possession of her son. She views her DIL as a rival for her attentions and affections​

Now a DIL reacts badly to this cos she as a wife has a fixation that attention=love and wants her man for herself.
So this tug of war turns into a vicious cycle of attention seeking.

I have seen many cases where mother's fake illness just so that they can grab their son's attention and also cases when a DIL gets pregnant she will fake lots of complains to make sure her husband is by her side.

The only way out for this sort of tug of war is for woman to understand that each one of us have a specific role to play in our lives and not to over cross the boundary.

Mother's should loosen the grip of their son by observing the animal kingdom.
Even the Lioness lets go of her son when he attains adult hood and the adult male lion doesn't come running home to mum for everything.

After all Indian males love to call themselves Aan Singham so it should not be too hard to follow some Lion rules.

Wives also should know to give husband some breathing space and let him spend some time with his parents.
Sometimes its fun to let a son be with his parents alone and we go shopping etc cos when a DIL is around parents cannot be too free to talk to their son.
So give husband the freedom to mingle with his parents too.

As humans we should never hold on too tight to anything..we only strangle ourselves in the process.
And as my favorite line goes "when I came I came alone..when I go I will go alone..so no use holding on too tight to anything or anyone"

 

[Raghy]

Dear Renuka,

Actually I feel the problem of a man being torn between a mother and a wife arises only if he has an irritating interfering mother or possessive wife or both.

Some woman as they age they demand lots of attention to show to their DIL that their son loves them.
And DIL reacts badly to that and all hell breaks lose.

I am branded as the bad guy already in this thread. So, some more branding wouldn't hurt.

I have seen MIL, her sister and her daughters ganged up against a 17 years old DIL. Unfortunately that poor girl did not have any strong female voice from her mother's side to support her; took all those abuses in silence. That husband guy was comforting her all the time. That made all these opposing ladies furious and they actually increased the heat! That DIL was not possesive at all; then she has to take over her newly married husband, doesn't she? How else can she create a binding with her husband? Not just one example, I have seen many unreasonable MILs. The one who drove her DIL to suidcide takes the cake; that DIL was so polite but her father did not meet all the financial demands before wedding..... it took only 3 months for her to seek permanent relief.

Some women are just monsters. I don't know, may be for some weird reasons, I happened to notice all the bad traits. Only good thing is, I learned from all these examples how not to treat children and DIL!

Cheers!

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,



I am branded as the bad guy already in this thread. So, some more branding wouldn't hurt.

I have seen MIL, her sister and her daughters ganged up against a 17 years old DIL. Unfortunately that poor girl did not have any strong female voice from her mother's side to support her; took all those abuses in silence. That husband guy was comforting her all the time. That made all these opposing ladies furious and they actually increased the heat! That DIL was not possesive at all; then she has to take over her newly married husband, doesn't she? How else can she create a binding with her husband? Not just one example, I have seen many unreasonable MILs. The one who drove her DIL to suidcide takes the cake; that DIL was so polite but her father did not meet all the financial demands before wedding..... it took only 3 months for her to seek permanent relief.

Some women are just monsters. I don't know, may be for some weird reasons, I happened to notice all the bad traits. Only good thing is, I learned from all these examples how not to treat children and DIL!

Cheers!

Dear Raghy ji,

What you cited is the classical example of Reverse Oedipus Complex.

What I am going to say might sound a bit unconventional but I feel its true to a certain extent.

I have noted that societies that advocate sex and intimacy even till ripe old age seldom face this DIL MIL types of problems.

In our Indian society sex and intimacy is frowned upon at old age and both old man and old ladies shy away from it.
Menopause or Andropause doesn't spell end to sex life and intimacy but infact this is the time where an old couple can get closer to each other after having completed their duties in life.

See its simple.. when we are busy we tend to have less time to trouble others.
So newly weds out there if you don't want MIL-DIL trouble book a ticket to some exotic island and send both MIL and FIL for a second honeymoon.

BTW Raghy Ji..dont feel bad that you are branded as a bad guy here in forum.
Girls love Bad Boys!!

 

[nannilam_balasubramanian]

Renuka Mam

Wish your Mam a speedy recovery and good health.

Balasubramanian
Ambattur

 

[renuka]

Renuka Mam

Wish your Mam a speedy recovery and good health.

Balasubramanian
Ambattur

Thank you sir..I will have to refer her to a Cardiologist soon.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Renuka,

Your mother's reports for sure would be negative. I mean, nothing wrong would be detected. I hope and wish for this.

Her ECG report may show some variance that seem to be quite normal with the people aged 60 years and above. A good rest and no much mental and physical strains would help.

Wish everything goes fine with your mum and she be in her routine perfectly. Off course, you are there to tell her not to be expecting too much of perfections in her own and other family member's household work.

I pray that she should be fine and healthy.

 

[C RAVI]

..I will have to refer her to a Cardiologist soon.

OH!!!!! Similar demanding situation was there with my mum, couple of months before and had to undergo thorough investigations under a Cardiologist. Nothing serious/abnormal causes were reported. She is fine now.

Hope, there isn't anything seriously wrong with your mother, except due to just normal aging factors.

She would be perfectly fine!!

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

Your mother's reports for sure would be negative. I mean, nothing wrong would be detected. I hope and wish for this.

Her ECG report may show some variance that seem to be quite normal with the people aged 60 years and above. A good rest and no much mental and physical strains would help.

Wish everything goes fine with your mum and she be in her routine perfectly. Off course, you are there to tell her not to be expecting too much of perfections in her own and other family member's household work.

I pray that she should be fine and healthy.

Dear Ravi,

Thank you for your kind words but some of the blood tests are not normal too.
I am still awaiting the X ray report by the X ray center and after which I will refer her to the Cardiologist.
The X ray will be the deciding factor if she needs admission or not.
Its not an acute case but still needs to be followed up closely.
Blood test results points towards an inflammation of the heart muscle(Myocarditis)

I am hoping it won't be Myocarditis.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Ravi,

Thank you for your kind words but some of the blood tests are not normal too.
I am still awaiting the X ray report by the X ray center and after which I will refer her to the Cardiologist.
The X ray will be the deciding factor if she needs admission or not.
Its not an acute case but still needs to be followed up closely.
Blood test results points towards an inflammation of the heart muscle(Myocarditis)

I am hoping it won't be Myocarditis.

We all are here to pray for the well being of your mother..

We wish nothing going to be seriously wrong with your mother's health.

 

[renuka]

We all are here to pray for the well being of your mother..

We wish nothing going to be seriously wrong with your mother's health.

Thank you once again.Mild Myocarditis is not life threatening if detected an treated well.It responds well to treatment and some subside on its own without treatment too.
Anyone can get this even young adults.

 

[C RAVI]

Thank you once again.Mild Myocarditis is not life threatening if detected an treated well.It responds well to treatment and some subside on its own without treatment too.
Anyone can get this even young adults.

That's fine!!!!! Thanks for this info.

May be this was the case with my mother. Dr. told us something similar to this and I could not remember this medical term used for such symptoms.