Happily divorced

[renuka]

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hi
in divorce or separation...the kids are victims....poor kids....i always think abt disfunctional kids....the family is foundation of the nation...divorce may be happy for parents....its really hell for the kids.....

Believe me I have seen some kids of divorced parents..they are well adjusted and say that they are glad to be out of a bickering and bitter father and mother relationship day in and day out.

They also feel that by the parents being divorced they can concentrate on quality time with father and mother separately.

The look forward to spending time alone with mum or dad.
They know their parents might not love each other but still love the kids.

BTW I have also seen people who remain married at all odds and stay and fight on daily basis and have children who are dysfunctional.

 

[C RAVI]

Believe me I have seen some kids of divorced parents..they are well adjusted and say that they are glad to be out of a bickering and bitter father and mother relationship day in and day out.

They also feel that by the parents being divorced they can concentrate on quality time with father and mother separately.

The look forward to spending time alone with mum or dad.

In very exceptional cases, kids feel happy to see fighting mother and father divorced and living separately. And still, seldom they are without any pain, deep inside their heart about their parents separation and them spending their time with each parent separately.

Honestly, I doubt, a kid would not feel the absence of mother while celebrating with Father and feel the absence of father while celebrating with mother. They are some way pained BUT force themselves to overcome. The pain remains for the moment and would remain for ever.

When there is on other go, kids would adapt to the new arrangement/situation. But, that doesn't mean that they have nothing bitter in their mind and heart. That doesn't mean that they are not pained and doesn't mean that they don't yearn their parents to be together, they all to be together and both the parents together share the happy and sad moments of the kids, like how other kids around them enjoy the charm of family love and affection with the presence of both the parents, under one roof.


May be in very rare cases where the kids belongs to very rich father and mother, they may feel benefited by separation of their parents and easily have their own amazing moments with their fun filled living styles.

 

[prasad1]

Mr. Ravi,
I can see your point, given from the Indian Value system.
I can see Renuka's point in rest of the world.
In the west 50% of the time kids are living with only one parent. According to them they are rather happy that their mother is out of the unhappy situation. I am pretty sure it is the mother's opinion too.

 

[Raji Ram]

Is this the formula?

:argue: . . . :fencing: . . . :bolt: . . . :dance:

 

[biswa]

Have to agree with Raviji on this one. Kids don't understand marital politics. They just want a happy family...

 

[sarang]

An interesting custody case in maharashtra recently. The couple divorced and the son was initially living with the mother's parents and is now living with his father. The wife works in Lonavla; the father and the mother's parents live in sangli, about 300 kms away. The court has ruled that the mother can have the custody of the child only when she gives up her job and shifts to sangli or live with her parents. This to ensure that the boy's interests are protected and the father has convenient access to the child.

 

[renuka]

An interesting custody case in maharashtra recently. The couple divorced and the son was initially living with the mother's parents and is now living with his father. The wife works in Lonavla; the father and the mother's parents live in sangli, about 300 kms away. The court has ruled that the mother can have the custody of the child only when she gives up her job and shifts to sangli or live with her parents. This to ensure that the boy's interests are protected and the father has convenient access to the child.

I find this weird..does the court have the right to ask anyone to give up her job?
May be they can suggest a job nearer to the parents home.

As it is she is divorced and needs to work hard for her and the child..without a job she will be at the mercy of anyone including ex husband.

Why be in a situation where once needs to beg for money from anyone else.

If the ex husband chooses to remarry then what will happen to this lady?

I have seen divorce cases where mother has custody of the child and resides overs seas with the child and father has to take flights to see the child a couple of times a year.

Out here in Malaysia..mother gets 100% custody of the child no matter what the reason of divorce is.
Even if the mother committed adultery she still gets the custody of the child.

Only if mother refuses custody or is of unsound mind..only then the custody goes to the father.

The judge in the case above could have been influenced by the ex husband I feel.

 

[Raji Ram]

One of my music students - a girl in her early teens - always had a very serious face. After a few months, when I asked about

her father's job, she said that she had no idea and her mother was a divorcee! It was a news to me. When she was in class

twelve, her mother married one of her relatives. The girl was upset and never was there a smile on her face. She was a single child!

Her mother might have been happily divorced for a few years and later happily married again, but what about this girl?

 

[renuka]

One of my music students - a girl in her early teens - always had a very serious face. After a few months, when I asked about

her father's job, she said that she had no idea and her mother was a divorcee! It was a news to me. When she was in class

twelve, her mother married one of her relatives. The girl was upset and never was there a smile on her face. She was a single child!

Her mother might have been happily divorced for a few years and later happily married again, but what about this girl?

The mother and her new husband should pay more attention to the child and she would be happy again.
It should not be much of a problem cos the new husband is a relative to start with so the girl is not a total outsider to him.

Single children tend to be possessive and if she has a sibling soon matters might become worse cos she might feel not loved as much.

So the most important thing is for the mum and new husband to pay this girl extra attention.

Anyhow why is she feeling so unhappy when she is a teen?
Unless she does not like the step father ..I hope he is not abusing her.

 

[renuka]

When I read most post here I get a feeling that many of us do not really understand that divorce is equally traumatic to both husband and wife.

Many of us are under the impression that people divorce for the heck of it cos they got bored of marriage or found someone else etc.

Even in the west..no one wants to go through a divorce for nothing at all.
Divorces do not come cheap to start with and without a pre nuptial agreement a man might end up losing lots of money too.

It is cheaper to remain married.

So if a person has opted for divorce in 99.99% of cases there is a very valid reason.

 

[Raji Ram]

............ Anyhow why is she feeling so unhappy when she is a teen?.....

She was unhappy because all her classmates were talking about their respective fathers and she could not!! :tape:

When her mother re-married also, she was not happy. May be she did not like her new father! out:

 

[Raghy]

She was unhappy because all her classmates were talking about their respective fathers and she could not!! :tape:

When her mother re-married also, she was not happy. May be she did not like her new father! out:

Sowbagyavathy Raji Ram, Greetings.

That was her father's fault. A divorce and seperation from mother doesn't mean seperation from his children. He should have maintained regular visitations, regular pampering for his daughter etc. No wonder she was flat and down.

Here everyone is talking about the psychological impact on the children of the divorced/seperated parents. There are one more set of children growing in foster homes, away from their biological parents.

 

[sarang]

Money or maintenance is not the issue here - access. The father had acees to the boy ball these years. The mother is moving to a different town and wants to take the child away, denying or restricting father's access to the boy. Perhaps the father also may not be allowed to take the child with him when he relocates to a far off town.

What happened to the tamil hindu mother who was denied custody of her child and the muslim father got the custody, in malaysia a couple years ago. All the magazines ran stories on this and some hindu groups fought without any success.

"Hindus and other minorities face increasing religious discrimination, as Islamicisation has grown in recent years. Although Malaysia has a parallel court system: secular courts for non-Muslims and Sharia courts for Muslims, Hindus and other minorities have, at times, been forced to deal with the Islamic courts, where they have faced severe disadvantages. Furthermore, Hindus have been denied the right to conduct their funeral rites in accordance with Hindu practices, and in one case, lost custody of their child. In another case, a Hindu mother, Subashini Rajasingam, lost an appeal to prevent her husband, a recent Muslim convert, from changing their 4-yr old son’s religion to Islam. The highest court in Malaysia affirmed the ruling of a lower federal court, which granted the Muslim husband a right to use the Islamic Sharia courts to seek a divorce, and also upheld his right to convert their child to Islam without the mother’s consent. As a result, the Hindu mother may lose legal custody over her child, since Malaysia’s Islamic courts will not give custody of a Muslim child to a non-Muslim parent. [2]"

I find this weird..does the court have the right to ask anyone to give up her job?
May be they can suggest a job nearer to the parents home.

As it is she is divorced and needs to work hard for her and the child..without a job she will be at the mercy of anyone including ex husband.

Why be in a situation where once needs to beg for money from anyone else.

If the ex husband chooses to remarry then what will happen to this lady?

I have seen divorce cases where mother has custody of the child and resides overs seas with the child and father has to take flights to see the child a couple of times a year.

Out here in Malaysia..mother gets 100% custody of the child no matter what the reason of divorce is.
Even if the mother committed adultery she still gets the custody of the child.

Only if mother refuses custody or is of unsound mind..only then the custody goes to the father.

The judge in the case above could have been influenced by the ex husband I feel.

 

[renuka]

Hindus have been denied the right to conduct their funeral rites in accordance with Hindu practices, [2]"

This is not true.
All the cases that hogged the limelight were actually Hindus who had converted to Islam without informing their families.

So for all legal purposes the individual was a muslim and per law here..a Muslim can only have an Islamic last rites even though he could have led a Hindu lifestyle.

Even to marry a muslim here conversion is compulsory.

All of us have an ID card with a Microchip with all stored data about us.
When a person converts to Islam...the National Registration Department is notified by the State Islamic Department.

 

[prasad1]

When I read most post here I get a feeling that many of us do not really understand that divorce is equally traumatic to both husband and wife.

Many of us are under the impression that people divorce for the heck of it cos they got bored of marriage or found someone else etc.

Even in the west..no one wants to go through a divorce for nothing at all.
Divorces do not come cheap to start with and without a pre nuptial agreement a man might end up losing lots of money too.

It is cheaper to remain married.

So if a person has opted for divorce in 99.99% of cases there is a very valid reason.

I think in the TB community in India, it is still uncommon to experience divorce . Most of the knowledge is 3rd hand, and there is lot of misunderstanding. Divorce is accepting the failure of relationship. It has its pain, and the children are the victim. It is hard on the parents too.

 

[renuka]

I think in the TB community in India, it is still uncommon to experience divorce . Most of the knowledge is 3rd hand, and there is lot of misunderstanding. Divorce is accepting the failure of relationship. It has its pain, and the children are the victim. It is hard on the parents too.

Here in Malaysia the divorce rates among Hindus are very low.

 

[Haridasa Siva]

I think in the TB community in India, it is still uncommon to experience divorce . Most of the knowledge is 3rd hand, and there is lot of misunderstanding. Divorce is accepting the failure of relationship. It has its pain, and the children are the victim. It is hard on the parents too.

TB community does not experience divorce and their knowledge is 3rd hand (you at least accept that there is some knowledge among TB community!)
TB community does not experience the growth of India
TB community does not go with the trend in the practices of sociey.

Why fault TB for what it is and it is not responsible for?

 

[prasad1]

TB community does not experience divorce and their knowledge is 3rd hand (you at least accept that there is some knowledge among TB community!)
TB community does not experience the growth of India
TB community does not go with the trend in the practices of sociey.

Why fault TB for what it is and it is not responsible for?

Fault is guilty feeling. I did not say it is the fault. Not having the knowledge is not a fault. Not having the knowledge is the reality. I have not lived in Dharavi, I do not have that experience. So if slumdog millionaire version is the the only knowledge I have, it is 3rd hand knowledge.

Why are you defensive, I think if you did not have the knowledge, you would not pretend it, but try to get that knowledge.

Not having the knowledge of Divorce, first hand is good thing.
Not seeing the growth in India, and keep crying in their kapee is sad.

 

[tbs]

I think in the TB community in India, it is still uncommon to experience divorce . Most of the knowledge is 3rd hand, and there is lot of misunderstanding. Divorce is accepting the failure of relationship. It has its pain, and the children are the victim. It is hard on the parents too.

hi
is it previous experience required for marriage?.....is it any previous experience required for divorce?....there is only thing,,,

no previous experience for many TBs in marriage/divorce....if at all any previous experience for marriage....im unfit for marriage..

becoz i never had previous experience in marriage .....i had a story in USA....some white guy asked me....how many years u got married?....i said

more than 25 years.....he said to me.....you are poor guy....how can a man can live with his wife for than 25 years.....with a single wife...

he said to me that if he is in my place....he would have married more than five times....then i said ...im a unlucky man...becoz i had to

stay with a single wife more 25 years....i said to him ....marriage is commitment to my family and kids....its my reponsibilty too...

i can't change my wife frequently......divorce is a last choice....in USA three www's frequently.....WORK...WEATHER... WOMAN...

in fact everybody likes the WWW'S......these three www's changes frequently...lol

 

[prasad1]

Mr. TBS,
I agree with you, but we also learn the value, practice, and norms of married life. In the west people have a history of living after divorce. In India, particularly in conservative society it is a new experience. There is no history to go by, it is a learning process.

 

[renuka]

hi
is it previous experience required for marriage?.....is it any previous experience required for divorce?....there is only thing,,,

no previous experience for many TBs in marriage/divorce....if at all any previous experience for marriage....im unfit for marriage..

becoz i never had previous experience in marriage .....i had a story in USA....some white guy asked me....how many years u got married?....i said

more than 25 years.....he said to me.....you are poor guy....how can a man can live with his wife for than 25 years.....with a single wife...

he said to me that if he is in my place....he would have married more than five times....then i said ...im a unlucky man...becoz i had to

stay with a single wife more 25 years....i said to him ....marriage is commitment to my family and kids....its my reponsibilty too...

i can't change my wife frequently......divorce is a last choice....in USA three www's frequently.....WORK...WEATHER... WOMAN...

in fact everybody likes the WWW'S......these three www's changes frequently...lol

Dear TBS ji,

I am quite sure the white guy was just teasing you..many whites love to tease Asians who are Over Confident.

We have to admit..we Indians tend to be Over Confident when it comes to Marriage and in that process take things for granted!!LOL

 

[biswa]

more than 25 years.....he said to me.....you are poor guy....how can a man can live with his wife for than 25 years.....with a single wife...

he said to me that if he is in my place....he would have married more than five times....then i said ...im a unlucky man...becoz i had to

stay with a single wife more 25 years....i said to him ....marriage is commitment to my family and kids....its my reponsibilty too...

Umm, I think plenty of Indians and Hindus have experimented with multiple wives (legally) in the past. It is only after the advent of the current secular Raj that the practice of polygamy has been outlawed (at least among Hindus). Not sure if the polygamists of the past were happier though ...

 

[biswa]

Even in the west..no one wants to go through a divorce for nothing at all.
Divorces do not come cheap to start with and without a pre nuptial agreement a man might end up losing lots of money too.

It is cheaper to remain married.

Divorces may not be cheap, but sometimes an extra-marital fling has no price. A lot of divorces in the west start with that. Most people don't think how much it will cost them when they are just thinking about jumping into bed with somebody else. In these circumstances the reptilian brain often wins.

 

[biswa]

Close friends call each other pig/dog sometimes.

Interesting. This sounds similar to the familiar urban American greeting: "Wassup, dawg?"

Sometimes I wonder whether evolution always proceeds in the forward direction.

 

[biswa]

The mother and her new husband should pay more attention to the child and she would be happy again.
It should not be much of a problem cos the new husband is a relative to start with so the girl is not a total outsider to him.

So the most important thing is for the mum and new husband to pay this girl extra attention.

Wanted to address this to both Renukaji and Raghyji who had similar responses. Do you think the divorced parents care so much about their kid? They are probably thinking more about their own happiness. Probably they would like to sever all ties to their past life and start over, if they could.