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Elderly parent staying alone in Chennai. Any organization to take care of final days until family comes from abroad?

My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
 
My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
Sad to read this.
I dont like to judge anyone but ask yourself " how would you feel if in the future you face the same situation"?

Kindly dont ask for others to help your mother.
Make that action your obligation and do something about it yourself.
I am not saying this out of anger but out of compassion.
Old age isnt easy to do things by one's self.
She might not need anyone emotionally because some people have the ability to be totally attached to God.
But physically she needs help.

Also when it comes to death, none of us are sure who will reach there first.

So there are two situations here.

1) If she passes away 1st who will tend to her body before sons arrive?

2) God forbid if she outlives any son, how would she reach the USA to attend the final send off?


Dont get me wrong, I dont wish bad for anyone.
But do you see how difficult the situations your mother would face?
Isnt there a relative or some poor individual who is willing to be a monthly well paid live in caretaker?
Would you really want your mother to be so neglected?

Final rites is not just keep the body for 2 days and mechanically do the rites.

You might want to read Matru Panchakam.
 
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It is very sad to hear now a days childrens are running after money ignoring their parents who sacrificed their life for them. They forget one fine day they also will face the same situation what their parents are facing now.
 
Sad to read this.
I dont like to judge anyone but ask yourself " how would you feel if in the future you face the same situation"?

Kindly dont ask for others to help your mother.
Make that action your obligation and do something about it yourself.
I am not saying this out of anger but out of compassion.
Old age isnt easy to do things by one's self.
She might not need anyone emotionally because some people have the ability to be totally attached to God.
But physically she needs help.

Also when it comes to death, none of us are sure who will reach there first.

So there are two situations here.

1) If she passes away 1st who will tend to her body before sons arrive?

2) God forbid if she outlives any son, how would she reach the USA to attend the final send off?


Dont get me wrong, I dont wish bad for anyone.
But do you see how difficult the situations your mother would face?
Isnt there a relative or some poor individual who is willing to be a monthly well paid live in caretaker?
Would you really want your mother to be so neglected?

Final rites is not just keep the body for 2 days and mechanically do the rites.

You might want to read Matru Panchakam.
It is a very harsh statement. No one wants to be in this position. But circumstances force this situation.

The poster did not ask for someone to judge his decision. He needs specific help, if you can provide it then do it, or let it go. No one asks for this type of guilt.

I am sorry it came from Dr. Renuka.

END-OF-LIFE CARE​

Home is likely the most familiar setting for someone who needs end-of-life care but it is a big responsibility for the family. In this difficult time, many families are torn between their regular routine and the care they need to provide to their loved one during these last days. The emotional aspects of this are far more difficult in most situations. We offer patients both medical care and emotional support during this trying time. This supportive care is aimed at ensuring a ‘dignified death’ by providing the best quality of life until the final breath and also to help the families cope with this difficult phase.
One Life’s end of life care will cover the following areas:
Physical comfort
includes addressing issues like pain, breathing issues, fatigue, temperature sensitivity, indigestion and skin problems.
Mental and emotional needs include supporting the person through possible depression, anxiety, fears and other emotional concerns.
Spiritual needs are as important as physical ones and helps the dying person to sort out unresolved issues with their close circle. This can even include a social worker visit, reading religious books or listening to religious music.
Practical tasks refer to the everyday tasks to be taken care of in order to bring relief to the person and also to the family.
One Life’s clinical team coordinates with the primary physician and the family to help plan and coordinate the best end-of-life care possible for the patient, and if needed, also consult with palliative care professionals. Our caregivers are trained to support patients respectfully and to attend to their needs with the dignity, privacy and comfort they deserve and with the human compassion that this service warrants.


Founded by N Ramachandaran, former promoter of India Cements and T R Narayanaswamy, Executive director of Tattva Group, One Life is India’s first specialty home healthcare company and is aimed to be an innovative and world-class healthcare delivery platform across India.

At One Life, qualified physicians and nurses, able consultants and state of the art pharmacies and laboratories work together to bring the best home healthcare services to our patients. In specialized areas, we are well supported by a technology platform and protocol driven services

CONTACT INFO​

CHENNAI : Khivraj Complex II, First Floor, 480, Anna Salai, Nandanam, Chennai, Tamil Nadu 600035

 
It is a very harsh statement. No one wants to be in this position. But circumstances force this situation.

The poster did not ask for someone to judge his decision. He needs specific help, if you can provide it then do it, or let it go. No one asks for this type of guilt.

I am sorry it came from Dr. Renuka.

END-OF-LIFE CARE​

Home is likely the most familiar setting for someone who needs end-of-life care but it is a big responsibility for the family. In this difficult time, many families are torn between their regular routine and the care they need to provide to their loved one during these last days. The emotional aspects of this are far more difficult in most situations. We offer patients both medical care and emotional support during this trying time. This supportive care is aimed at ensuring a ‘dignified death’ by providing the best quality of life until the final breath and also to help the families cope with this difficult phase.
One Life’s end of life care will cover the following areas:
Physical comfort
includes addressing issues like pain, breathing issues, fatigue, temperature sensitivity, indigestion and skin problems.
Mental and emotional needs include supporting the person through possible depression, anxiety, fears and other emotional concerns.
Spiritual needs are as important as physical ones and helps the dying person to sort out unresolved issues with their close circle. This can even include a social worker visit, reading religious books or listening to religious music.
Practical tasks refer to the everyday tasks to be taken care of in order to bring relief to the person and also to the family.
One Life’s clinical team coordinates with the primary physician and the family to help plan and coordinate the best end-of-life care possible for the patient, and if needed, also consult with palliative care professionals. Our caregivers are trained to support patients respectfully and to attend to their needs with the dignity, privacy and comfort they deserve and with the human compassion that this service warrants.


Founded by N Ramachandaran, former promoter of India Cements and T R Narayanaswamy, Executive director of Tattva Group, One Life is India’s first specialty home healthcare company and is aimed to be an innovative and world-class healthcare delivery platform across India.

At One Life, qualified physicians and nurses, able consultants and state of the art pharmacies and laboratories work together to bring the best home healthcare services to our patients. In specialized areas, we are well supported by a technology platform and protocol driven services

CONTACT INFO​

CHENNAI : Khivraj Complex II, First Floor, 480, Anna Salai, Nandanam, Chennai, Tamil Nadu 600035

Dear Prasad ji,
I do agree with you its harsh.
Not too sure if its totally judgmental but distance or circumstances can be overcome if we put some effort.

I did think over what I wrote, in fact I wanted to delete my post 5 mins after I wrote it but I thought let it be.

I welcome criticism and I am willing to apologize to Sampath ji if he too finds my post harsh and judgmental.

But being a person who deals with the elderly in my day to day life and during covid 19 pandemic many senior citizens who were living alone died in their houses and only after a few days did people realize.
So many cases like that happened.

Many suffered being sick alone.
Some elderly people have severe body pain daily when they do housework but they silently endure it.

I do agree my post is harsh but I did write politely.
Anyway, some suggestions I gave as to hire live in care takers are also valid.

Thanks for the feedback.

Regards
 
My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
Trying to understand your question. There are any number of organizations that offer medical and palliative care as well as even cremation. I suppose your mother wants to live independently. In which case you need to have live in help and I am sure the two sons can easily afford that. You are savvy to find such organizations in chennai. Google search can give you many options and you can visit each of them to determine the one that suits your needs.

But your question seem to be something else. It seems you are concerned about someone keeping her body for two days if she passed away until one of the sons can come to India, Is that your concern?

No one can keep a dead body for a couple of days without proper precautions and preparations done at a funeral home. All this for what? Just so one of the sons can come and look at her body frame? And claim to have put Kolli?

The humane thing to do is to make arrangements with cremation places and the live in help to take care of the cremation right away.

To the best I know and I can be corrected by experts (with logic and proper citations) that doing the final rites and rituals need not include the cremation also. There are many that die while no one is around. Our sastras are much more understanding and emphasize doing the rituals. I know of someone who died in a mud slide on a pilgrimage. The son did all the rites which did not include cremation.

One can still do the final rites which is all rituals anyway. This proper understanding can remove the pressure of trying to artificially preserve a dead body for sentimental purposes.

The Shraddham rituals done are NOT FOR the departed BUT FOR THE LIVING only and is prescribed as what is called Naimitthika Karma. Forget stories of Garuda Purana etc or any stories your Sastrigal may make up and tell you.

The most important thing to do now is to serve her with love while she is living, visiting her often. Between two sons (and their wives, assuming all are married) you there can be up to 8 trips in a year. Plus with live in help arranged and funeral arrangements made ahead of time you can still follow sastras without pressure.

Separate the cremation aspects from doing the 13 day rituals. Plus knowing the rituals are only for you and not for the departed can help remove the stress.

I know those steeped in superstitions will not like this response.
 
Dear Sampath ji,

Please keep in mind the effects of Runanubandha.
The karmic bio memory which needs a proper discharge of duty of a progeny and his/her parent.

Also keep in mind the state of mind of an elderly person in their late stages of live.

We tend to ignore the mind when it comes to well being and also death.

The final thought waves also affects the astral well being of the deceased and its descendants.

Kindly make sure your mother is well cared for from all aspects of live, physically,mentally and spiritually.
 
Renukaji, I am sorry about my post (i should have PM'd) you.
I am just coming back from visiting a family member who is caring for his invalid Wife. I see the pain and problems he faces in spite of being well off and having a very good medical facility. I know him feeling the guilt and pain.

There is a lack of Hospice care in India (or at least in that city).
 
Renukaji, I am sorry about my post (i should have PM'd) you.
I am just coming back from visiting a family member who is caring for his invalid Wife. I see the pain and problems he faces in spite of being well off and having a very good medical facility. I know him feeling the guilt and pain.

There is a lack of Hospice care in India (or at least in that city).
Dear Prasad ji,
No worries.
Take care.
 
My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
I don't think you'll find any information on the web, as most information on the web, are not made with the Indian context and cultural values in mind as the west doesn't really have such knowledge.

There are old age homes in and around chennai which are good. However please remember that these organizations can cater to the physical and medical needs of a person but not the emotional one. I personally think it's like being in a prison or a zoo. A set routine of activities which do not engage them in any meaningful manner.

I speak from experience as my uncle of 91 years recently passed away. He did not die of physical problems, he was fitter than most youngsters,but he died as the doctor said of loneliness as his children were away in the US. They visited him on and off. His grandchildren he saw them on video calls most of the time.

At their age what elders want is, their children, grand children and relatives close to them on a daily basis.

Consider the possibility of her being with you and your sibling in the US or a more difficult alternative of you being with her in Chennai for the next few years, and operate from there if possible.
 
I don't think you'll find any information on the web, as most information on the web, are not made with the Indian context and cultural values in mind as the west doesn't really have such knowledge.

There are old age homes in and around chennai which are good. However please remember that these organizations can cater to the physical and medical needs of a person but not the emotional one. I personally think it's like being in a prison or a zoo. A set routine of activities which do not engage them in any meaningful manner.

I speak from experience as my uncle of 91 years recently passed away. He did not die of physical problems, he was fitter than most youngsters,but he died as the doctor said of loneliness as his children were away in the US. They visited him on and off. His grandchildren he saw them on video calls most of the time.

At their age what elders want is, their children, grand children and relatives close to them on a daily basis.

Consider the possibility of her being with you and your sibling in the US or a more difficult alternative of you being with her in Chennai for the next few years, and operate from there if possible.
The Indian "value" is not keeping pace with modern realism. Older people should change their priorities.
Children have their lives and do not live in the same village as yesteryear. Yes, we want our family to come to us when we are sick or lonely but sometimes it is not possible.

Children's family needs them too. Grandchildren may have a board exam or appear in a major contest at the very time grand is sick. The wife might be in labor or you have to meet a deadline at that moment. Circumstances are very different. Some people can not travel because of visa situations.
I agree that the Nursing homes in India have not reached the level where they can be trusted (personal experience).
Getting a US Visa for a sick person is almost impossible. Being jobless to take care of parents is equally deplorable. I agree every effort should be made to be near a parent but sometimes it is not possible.
 
My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
Dear Sampath,
I know of one Sri. Sridharan, based out of Kottivakkam, who has been doing yeoman service in giving respectable burial/cremation to those whose offsprings are not there or not nearby. You may wish to contact him at +919840744400 for any assistance at times of need. I had gathered that, unmindful of the highly contagious nature of COVID, he continued his services during those times (2nd wave in particular).
BTW, Sastras ordain that the mortal remains shall have to be offered to Him within 6 hours of he/she breathing the last. The body shall have to be offered as Prasadam to Him, fresh, with all parts intact and not having been offered to be taken away.
Trust this is useful to you.
Regards
Vedagiri/Bangalore
 
Dear Sampath,
I know of one Sri. Sridharan, based out of Kottivakkam, who has been doing yeoman service in giving respectable burial/cremation to those whose offsprings are not there or not nearby. You may wish to contact him at +919840744400 for any assistance at times of need. I had gathered that, unmindful of the highly contagious nature of COVID, he continued his services during those times (2nd wave in particular).
BTW, Sastras ordain that the mortal remains shall have to be offered to Him within 6 hours of he/she breathing the last. The body shall have to be offered as Prasadam to Him, fresh, with all parts intact and not having been offered to be taken away.
Trust this is useful to you.
Regards
Vedagiri/Bangalore
Continuing in the same thread, one can visualise "நாம் சொத்த கத்ரிக்காயை வாங்குவோமா?, ; பொறிக்கி பார்த்து நல்லதாக வாங்குதிறோமல்லவா, அதே போல ஸரீரத்தை அவனிடம் ஸமர்ப்பிக்கும் போதும், we should offer fresh, as is, without decay by force (inordinate and unacceptable time lag,as per Sastram) and without parts (eyes, heart, liver etc) having been taken away by choice
 
Continuing in the same thread, one can visualise "நாம் சொத்த கத்ரிக்காயை வாங்குவோமா?, ; பொறிக்கி பார்த்து நல்லதாக வாங்குதிறோமல்லவா, அதே போல ஸரீரத்தை அவனிடம் ஸமர்ப்பிக்கும் போதும், we should offer fresh, as is, without decay by force (inordinate and unacceptable time lag,as per Sastram) and without parts (eyes, heart, liver etc) having been taken away by choice
Again, continuing in the same thread, I wish and pray for her long life (100 years and beyond, கழிந்தது போக)
 
My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
Pl call Alserv 044-4666-4888 who.can help you in this.they are an elder care company
 
Thanks to those who gave some meaningful response.
I don't want to respond to folks who judged just based on the question - after all, none of you know our personal situation to judge even a bit or make us feel guilty.
 
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Trying to understand your question. There are any number of organizations that offer medical and palliative care as well as even cremation. I suppose your mother wants to live independently. In which case you need to have live in help and I am sure the two sons can easily afford that. You are savvy to find such organizations in chennai. Google search can give you many options and you can visit each of them to determine the one that suits your needs.

But your question seem to be something else. It seems you are concerned about someone keeping her body for two days if she passed away until one of the sons can come to India, Is that your concern?

No one can keep a dead body for a couple of days without proper precautions and preparations done at a funeral home. All this for what? Just so one of the sons can come and look at her body frame? And claim to have put Kolli?

The humane thing to do is to make arrangements with cremation places and the live in help to take care of the cremation right away.

To the best I know and I can be corrected by experts (with logic and proper citations) that doing the final rites and rituals need not include the cremation also. There are many that die while no one is around. Our sastras are much more understanding and emphasize doing the rituals. I know of someone who died in a mud slide on a pilgrimage. The son did all the rites which did not include cremation.

One can still do the final rites which is all rituals anyway. This proper understanding can remove the pressure of trying to artificially preserve a dead body for sentimental purposes.

The Shraddham rituals done are NOT FOR the departed BUT FOR THE LIVING only and is prescribed as what is called Naimitthika Karma. Forget stories of Garuda Purana etc or any stories your Sastrigal may make up and tell you.

The most important thing to do now is to serve her with love while she is living, visiting her often. Between two sons (and their wives, assuming all are married) you there can be up to 8 trips in a year. Plus with live in help arranged and funeral arrangements made ahead of time you can still follow sastras without pressure.

Separate the cremation aspects from doing the 13 day rituals. Plus knowing the rituals are only for you and not for the departed can help remove the stress.

I know those steeped in superstitions will not like this response.
Thanks for educating me on the difference between cremation and rituals. Appreciate your input!
 
My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
How to contact you?
 
My 87 year mother is living alone in a flat in Chennai. With God's grace, she is able to take care of her daily work with some help from a service organization. Both sons are living in the US. We have some local relatives to call, in case of medical emergency. But, in any unfortunate turn of events, if she passes away, is there any reliable organization who can keep her until one of the sons can reach Chennai? We are talking about around 2 days of time. We don't want to bother our local relatives with this responsibility.

It is a difficult situation to think about but I can't find any information for such a case by simply searching in web. Eventually, this will happen one day and so I have to think about this. Any input others can share, thank you so much!
Dear MrSampath
your request is little odd and probably reflects the mind set of an American. Your problem seems to be how to dispose of the body when mother dies. Such a thought makes me trembling. My mother lived upto 93 years, healthy till the end. Nearly for 40 years , till she breathed her last ,she gave us the joy of living with me and my wife. We were very much near her bedside when she died peacefully without any struggle.
Since your mother is 87 years old, you and your brother must be in late fifties or early sixties. Both of you must have achieved all your professional success and material security. Even your children may have grown up and are on their own. Why don’t you both stay for six months in a year by turns with your mother in Chennai. That way , she will have the company of one son always and her health ,both physical and mental will improve greatly. When the inevitable happens one day, at least one of the sons will be with her to bid her goodbye in the proper way. Please consider this suggestion seriously. Any thing else, will be a great insult and sin to a mother who has given her entire life for the welfare of her children who leave her to die like an orphan. I wish I had not read your question which has left me in great despair.
 
Dear MrSampath
your request is little odd and probably reflects the mind set of an American. Your problem seems to be how to dispose of the body when mother dies. Such a thought makes me trembling. My mother lived upto 93 years, healthy till the end. Nearly for 40 years , till she breathed her last ,she gave us the joy of living with me and my wife. We were very much near her bedside when she died peacefully without any struggle.
Since your mother is 87 years old, you and your brother must be in late fifties or early sixties. Both of you must have achieved all your professional success and material security. Even your children may have grown up and are on their own. Why don’t you both stay for six months in a year by turns with your mother in Chennai. That way , she will have the company of one son always and her health ,both physical and mental will improve greatly. When the inevitable happens one day, at least one of the sons will be with her to bid her goodbye in the proper way. Please consider this suggestion seriously. Any thing else, will be a great insult and sin to a mother who has given her entire life for the welfare of her children who leave her to die like an orphan. I wish I had not read your question which has left me in great despair.
I understands your posy and i am angry that you are piling guilt on the young man. We do not know his situation, without knowing his circumstances, we can not judge his actions. He wanted help. if you can give him that please do so, if not please ignore the post.
 
Dear Prasadji,
Its not about piling guilt, its about giving some guidance.
At times we all try to be too politically correct in our words and force ourselves to be non judgmental but in reality most of us are not being honest just to keep up with the non judgmental trend.

There is no harm having opinions of various shades.
Recently I accompanied a relative to a doctor and the relative was trying to be difficult with the doctor and refusing all advice.

The doctor as usual tried to be diplomatic..I felt sad for the doctor because he was trying his best to help out..then after a few consultations the doctor was no more diplomatic..he became blunt and put the message accross and my relative just shut up and followed his advise.

i thanked the doctor later saying that that blunt truth is what we humans need as a wake up call.

These days we see people commiting mistakes but under the name of being non judgmental we let it be.

You have a point that we should not pile on guilt but what is so wrong in the post suggesting to take care of a mother?


I understands your posy and i am angry that you are piling guilt on the young man. We do not know his situation, without knowing his circumstances, we can not judge his actions. He wanted help. if you can give him that please do so, if not please ignore the post.
 
Thank you Renuka and Shri TKudi for your posts. It is time to make people understand what they are missing in this din of present day reality. People really need to wake up and start experiencing the finer side of their self.
 
Dear Prasadji,
Its not about piling guilt, its about giving some guidance.
At times we all try to be too politically correct in our words and force ourselves to be non judgmental but in reality most of us are not being honest just to keep up with the non judgmental trend.



You have a point that we should not pile on guilt but what is so wrong in the post suggesting to take care of a mother?
What if the poster is the sole breadwinner with toddlers who are challenged, in school in the USA?
Do you advise him to abandon his family in the USA? Do you advise him to quit his job and be destitute in India to take care of his mother? Will his mother want him to do that? The days of Srvanakumar are gone. Some of us are from that era and do not understand the present reality.

As I wrote before, we are giving a solution without understanding all the facts. The op did not give us a complete analysis of his situation. We can ask for it before sermonizing. If we do not have all the facts, just stick to the facts we know, and answer them as best as we can. Nothing more.
 

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