dowry deals

[subbudu1]

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dear subbudu,

are 100% of the guys who earn less, are egoistic? would they have approached if they had such attitudes. i think, one should judge case by case. and perhaps a blanket statement, by the girl here, may be unfair? also she may be losing out on a kind, affectionate and wonderful husband ... all because of the difference of some ruppees in their paychecks!!

I have no say at all in this not even in the matter of her course and college. I have had excellant proposals but qualification was not equal to hers. She has bluntly discouraged me from taking up these even though I have tried a few times. Even when qualification was equal the excuse for rejection was on the college studied by the boy. She is herself a victim to this selection process where photo scanning defines the rejection step without even seeking to speak to the girl leave alone meet her face to face.

I hope you are aware that many parents are just bystanders and mute witnesses. The guidelines are already out to look for things by herself but that too they wont do.

 

[kiruku]

even in canada, it is the girls who take care of their elderly parents. the sons/dils dont care or consider it a chore. you should see how some dil (including tambram ones) make fuss even to visit mil or fil in an old age home.

As someone had observed before, one's daughter is someone else's dil.
On a serious note, as I understand, in srilankan tradition, it is usually the daughters who take care of the parents.

 

[kunjuppu]

I have no say at all in this not even in the matter of her course and college. I have had excellant proposals but qualification was not equal to hers. She has bluntly discouraged me from taking up these even though I have tried a few times. Even when qualification was equal the excuse for rejection was on the college studied by the boy. She is herself a victim to this selection process where photo scanning defines the rejection step without even seeking to speak to the girl leave alone meet her face to face.

I hope you are aware that many parents are just bystanders and mute witnesses. The guidelines are already out to look for things by herself but that too they wont do.

subbudu,

i too am a by stander for my children's choosing process. it is ok with me, as it is their life, and they will not deliberately want to wreck it.

sometimes, though, a little nudge is needed, for they may have the fear or hesitation to take the ultimate plunge.

another factor, could be, that there is a candidate, and they are afraid that you might reject this one, for reasons that are best known to you both.

whatever it may be, it does do good to remind them, of the biological clock, and the need for girls to have their first baby in their mid to late twenties at the latest.

best wishes.

 

[subbudu1]

A few words here it is long the impression that one of the reasons for non availability of girls is that too many conditions are imposed by the girl side.While it is definitely reasonable to assume so in some cases, it is not a general rule.

There are still some things some of our boys have to learn. I am not talking of everyone but it is quiet a common thing. But its my understanding from the matrimony process that even boys with moderate looks have high expectation from the girl. It is almost like they want to have some one who emerges from a dream. More the qualification of the boy more this expectation.

The young girls also have their own fears. Lot of it is inspired from friend circles. Like an example from the life of a divorcee friend. There is thus a natural hesitation from girl in exploring different proposals. If a boy stresses too much on tradition and culture as an expectation, my general experience is that the girls strictly say no. It is not that the girl is too modern for her times. Infact many girls continue to be observant of traditions which are neglected by the boy. It is the fear of narrowmindedness.

In the past boys as long as they were reasonably placed at the right time, did not have problems finding a girl. Now they have been empowered by their parents to make more independent decisions in the matter of marriage. They do exercise a lot of discretion. They are quick to reject if the girl does not appeal to their sense. This is the screening from their end. Previously the fathers played that role more so.

Now the unexpected thing that has happened is that girls have also started the screening.

The parents of both girl and boy-filter out at their level- horoscope, family status ( yes it is true I swear - including a particular gentleman who wanted to know through different sources my wealth, yes no of cars and so on ). When it goes to the boy or girl the screening takes a new dimension. The girl the boy likes is not interested in him and vice versa.

I know a boy's father who has been expressing his frustration for sometime that many of the girls who appeal to his son are not interested in him. A fairly good proposal came to this man. Girl seemed good looking to my eyes at-least, although on the plumpier side. Horoscopes have matched and so also the criteria for family conditions. Education of the girl was also upto the mark. The girl was rejected by boy at photo level. I asked this gentleman to reconsider the alliance. The gentleman could not persuade the boy. The gentleman is still looking out for alliances for his son, while that girl is married now. However the same line goes - The girl side are expecting too much. I wanted to blurt out that the boys side are also expecting too much. I kept quiet in the interest of friendship.

Coming back to my girl, she had a strange situation while chatting with this boy. The discussion was proceeding I believe on trivial lines. She was accomodative to the idea of relocation and she has told me many a times. When the girl expressed a few genuine apprehensions about the career options in the new place, the boy told her bluntly your career after marriage is only incidental. That was the thing that ended the discussion and she replied quite firmly that she had no plans to sacrifice her career. What she was looking for in the boy was broadmindedness which she didnt come across in his tone. If things had been different she would have genuinely considered relocating.

So much for what is spoken these days about the attitude of girl side families!

 

[biswa]

Isn't dowry a non-issue for Brahmin families? Let me hear the members' response before relating the opinion regarding dowry that I heard from two marriage-age Brahmin girls.

Ok, here is what I wanted to add about the two girls: both very highly educated (Masters in Engineering) and very good looking. Their point of view was, we will miss out on the best boys if we don't offer dowry. Why should we compromise on getting the best of the best (in their view) if our dad can afford to dish it out.

I was quite stunned.