Broken heart of my sister

[Visalakshi Ramani]

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I have noticed that in inter caste marriages which have taken place with the blessings of both the sets of parents, the couple take great care to keep happy their parents as well as their parents in law.

It is NOT due to any guilt complex.

It is their way of acknowledging with gratitude the parents who have listened to them, seen the things from their own point of view and gracefully accepted the reality.

It always works this way.

Either you accept the choice of your ward or be prepared to lose him and her - may be for the rest of your life.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

dear Mr. Kunjuppu,

Reminds me of the lovely movie ROJA where the elder sister begs the boy - who has come to view her - to refuse to marry her.

Very tactful and practical when she knows that her words will have no effect on her parents!

absolutely visa.. the girl would have ruined two lives - hers and the grooms'. all thanks to lack of communication between the girl and her parents.

it happened to my own nephew. the guy was working in mumbai, and they had arranged a girl in hyderabad. every month, he used to come one weekend to spend with her, and after the 3rd visit - she told him, that she had someone else in mind. she was so scared of her parents that she had not told them.

my poor nephew, being also extremely kind and gentle, first of all, thanked her for telling this before the marriage, as the invitations had not gone out. next, he volunteered to go to the girls' parents, with his mother, and explain the situation, and gently but forcefully make them agree, to consider the other case - atleast from evaluation viewpoint, before passing judgement on the daughter.

dont know what happened after that. 1 year later, nephew got married to another girl, and now father of a 5 year old daughter.

 

[wrongan]

My feeling about all problems with present day children.A child at the age of 3 or even earlier is put in a school.Do any parent can tell me how many of them show affection to them on return from school.They simply ask him what he read in the school,what about the home work etc.Thus you deny affection starving child the exact feed.You don"t allow him or her to play for long time which he will never get in future,instead compel him to do home work.At this stage you just sow the seed "persona non grata". Coming to just grown ups he is not at all treated as he expects from his parents.Here again he goes after good pastures (some caring companions). One such person happens to become his life partner.
My request to parents if you are not ready to face these like situations Kindly try to be with your children for longer time .If both are earning members at least any one of them can retire at the opt time and try to run the family for the satisfaction of entire family .Thus you can instill good values in their mind. Lastly when the ward has taken a decision to elope a boy of her liking Be magnanimous to bless them with full heart.
Even in VEDHAS anulopam has not been barred.ie brahmin girls marrying non brahmin girls .

 

[kameshratnam]

When my sister got married..a tambrahm maami came to our house and shared our grief. OF COURSE SHE WAS SARCASTIC. I caught her telling the news to one of our neighbors and questioned her about the happiness she had about my sister eloping with a NB guy.

But god had his own plans..her own daughter got married to a NB Guy in a similar fashion and she was crying over it. I went to her house and told her " IPPO KASAKUME????? i had a hearty laugh before her and came back

 

[wrongan]

My grand son got married with a non brahmin girl some 4 years back.My daughter was happy to celebrate the marriage in the usual way.She had brick bats from several corners.But today after hearing such stories people around praise her for her brave act.Above all that girl's behaviour is all for praise by one and all.I hear my relatives saying a brahmin girl would not be better than Ramya.

 

[kunjuppu]

wrongan,

enna saar, you talking of grandsons? young man like you eh, havvu only sons and dotters uh! no grandsons ok?

 

[amala]

dear little girl!

But the talk does not serve any useful purpose - as each one is

holding on tight to her / his opinion and no one is wiling to

compromise.

All drastic steps are taken in utter despair and terrible fear which

makes the person temporarily blind and dumb.

dear amala,

i think you are personalizing this elopement, as something that is happening in your household. admittedly, you have a very close loving open frank friendshiplike relationship with mummy daddy. good for you, and i am sure of this, for otherwise you would not write about the feelings of mapa.

but not every household is like that. my own house, it was very stratified. dad would have had no clue if i had talked of love marriage. mom would have had a better idea, but not very open minded about it either. that was how i was treated. if i fallen in love in india, i would have had no choice but to antagonize my parents and move out.

in many of tambram households, parents and kids are so distant, that they hardly speak to one another, beyond the mundane stuff of day to day routines. the governing word, is respect, and not friendship between equals.

now my sis, 7 years younger. she felll in love with this guy, who openly came into our street strutting proudly like a peacock. mom could not do anything about it, as she had no control over him. the fact that he was a tambram, helped soothen things, and she was more nervous, not about my sister going wayward, but what the neighbours would say. it appears to be the same concern from vgane's sister - what the society would say.

you might also think again to your statement - would there be a situation where you and your parents are at standstill? some boy of a type, that your parents will never agree. if so, what will be you plan of action?

in my own experience, the last few weddings in chennai for my nieces or nephews, barring one, all were love marriages. but all of them married tambrams and as a consequence there was not any opposition. whereas my nephews nieces in north india, all have married north indians, and even there no opposition was experienced. had it been any other faith than hindus, or even lower caste, i am sure, all hell would have broken loose.

ps..can i ask you a favour. please address me as 'K saar' or 'K sir'. shri K sounds too formal to be addressed between chums

With the greatest respect, I hear you both

 

[kunjuppu]

When my sister got married..a tambrahm maami came to our house and shared our grief. OF COURSE SHE WAS SARCASTIC. I caught her telling the news to one of our neighbors and questioned her about the happiness she had about my sister eloping with a NB guy.

But god had his own plans..her own daughter got married to a NB Guy in a similar fashion and she was crying over it. I went to her house and told her " IPPO KASAKUME????? i had a hearty laugh before her and came back

kamesh, the basic human in me, wags his finger at you, for your 'sweet revenge'. why bother? the lady probably was feeling bad anyway. why throw chilli pepper on open wounds?

in the same topic, a buddy of mine was narrating yesterday. there was this woman who is his iimc classmate mother. they lived in cal, and she used to visit the campus regularly collecting birth/etc details of tambram boys, in order to spread word among her relatives for these top notch eligible boys.

she used to be termed as the 'jadhagam mami' jocularly.

it so happened, of her 3 sons, two married christian girls, and only the last one, per her wishes of matching jadhagams!!

i think the moral of all these stories, is that we as older adults, are more bound by our fears, with which we build phantoms, bigger than the original cause of the fear itself. till we go beserk and write beserky posts here like jamadagneya or gautama (yesterday).

ultimately things sort out themselves.

 

[Govinda]

The children NEED us when they are young

and we NEED them when we are old.

In other words, we need our grown up children

much more than they need us oldies.
It is time to wake up to the reality! :horn:

This does not mean , the parents have to feather their kids' fancies (not just IC, even other emotional stuff!). The whole of Bhagavad Gita/Hindu spirituality is about Karma Yoga, doing the duty without attachments. There is no hindu/dharmic law on abusing or honor penalties or challenging one's free-will. But the parents had every chance to sow the right seed and give logical reasons for right living.

Those whining and complaining are just emotional. Those balanced never let the milk spilt or cry over spilt milk. In the current state of affairs (in Hindu/Indian society), the basic understanding of spirituality is long gone even within the household and seeking from outside is a farce. So, those parents with balanced composure, for whom spiritual self is important in those later days, should let their children away if the situation are un-conducive. Let the kids experience their own life/karma and grow out of it. The parents' time are running out, IMO, for the seriously spiritual/religious.

 

[kunjuppu]

This does not mean , the parents have to feather their kids' fancies (not just IC, even other emotional stuff!). The whole of Bhagavad Gita/Hindu spirituality is about Karma Yoga, doing the duty without attachments. There is no hindu/dharmic law on abusing or honor penalties or challenging one's free-will. But the parents had every chance to sow the right seed and give logical reasons for right living.

Those whining and complaining are just emotional. Those balanced never let the milk spilt or cry over spilt milk. In the current state of affairs (in Hindu/Indian society), the basic understanding of spirituality is long gone even within the household and seeking from outside is a farce. So, those parents with balanced composure, for whom spiritual self is important in those later days, should let their children away if the situation are un-conducive. Let the kids experience their own life/karma and grow out of it. The parents' time are running out, IMO, for the seriously spiritual/religious.

govinda,

i know you carrry the moniker of the vishnu. are you really vishnu incarnate? if so you are excused from making these grandiose statements!

otherwise,

what gives you the authority or the right, to make sweeping statements like, 'The parents' time are running out, IMO, for the seriously spiritual/religious'?

to me, these sounds like bombastic words coming out with nothing to back up any of your current post (let alone the post where you villified valli ...ahhh that rhymes )

are you also claiming to be a prime understander of basic spirituality as it is practised in any household, as it should be present in Hindu/Indian society, to make a satement like 'In the current state of affairs (in Hindu/Indian society), the basic understanding of spirituality is long gone even within the household'..

are not every household different, and each has its own values, which needs to be respected. how do you know 'spirituality is long gone'.. are you keeping tag and tracking every household's spirituality?

ok, let us take this statement of yours, There is no hindu/dharmic law on abusing or honor penalties or challenging one's free-will.

very baffling to me, either wholesome or in parts..let me parse it, There is no hindu/dharmic law on abusing - i hope not. nobody wants laws to justify abuses. also people want laws to prohibit abuses. if you are saying that hindus have no laws to prohibit abuse, then i think there is something wrong with your understanding of hinduism

There is no hindu/dharmic law on honor penalties - what is the meaning of this? honoring penalties... to me it sounds more absurd than even oxymoron?

There is no hindu/dharmic law on challenging one's free-will...does this mean every one's freewill will be respected. which is completely contradictory to what you are saying in favour of BG, viz doing the duty without attachments, which means there is no place for freewill, only pure regimentation as dictated by duty, or whatever govinda wishes to define it as.


But the parents had every chance to sow the right seed and give logical reasons for right living.???????????????

i find them all confusing beyond comprehension. sorry to say that. you need to be more coherent and write in simpler english for mandoos like me to make head or tail of what you mean?

 

[kunjuppu]

Ok, now there are 84 posts to vgane's salvo, may we be honoured to hear from this gentleman, his response to all the blood toil and tears that have been shed so far by his well wishers

 

[prasad1]

Ok, now there are 84 posts to vgane's salvo, may we be honoured to hear from this gentleman, his response to all the blood toil and tears that have been shed so far by his well wishers

Yes we would like to hear from VGANE.

 

[happyhindu]

HH:
Werent u the one who once told me this?

Govinda and i have sorted this out over PMs. You can please stay out.

Govinda,
Looking forward to your reply and also to the post 85 of K sir.

 

[Visalakshi Ramani]

ref # 84. by Sri. Govinda.

I am not telling people here to give in to every whim and fancy of their children!

We bring them up properly . We inculcate in them the discrimination between the right and wrong.

But they develop their views and ideas and sometimes these two clash!

Then we must be reasonable enough to know our limits... this far and no further.

We can't disown our children for doing what they believe to be right!

 

[KRS]

Folks,

I just saw this.

This is perfect example of what I am talking about.

I am excoriating a person in public and asking the person to issue an apology and yet I am being seen as favoring someone!

I do not want these expressions anymore.

This is a site for the interests of TAMIL BRAHMINS. In our 'Catholic' interest we welcome voices from other communities. But that does not mean that there is Carte Blanche to attack our community interests.

Please understand that I am trying my best to be even handed as far as WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR COMMUNITY. But these types of non thinking protestations will not be tolerated.

Regards,
KRS

Govinda,

I know Shri KRS has warned you and others as well.

However, since you made claims which imo are erroneous, am expecting a reply from you, for posts # 40 and 41, with evidence to substantiate your claims. Otherwise please admit you are wrong.

It is rather lame to blame 'dravidian NBs' as though they stopped supporting TBs (due to which TBs had to seek colonial jobs). Nobody is preventing you from taking up a temple job even today. Kindly stop blaming so-called 'dravidian NBs' for your own ambitions with regard to secular education/jobs/prospects.

Also, i wish KRS sir had warned you also not to inflame passions. Instead of saying
"I am warning others not to inflame passions. Let us stick to the intention of why this thread was started".

I would be glad to stick to the intention of the thread, provided posters like Govinda also did. Maybe to some certain folks, phrases like converting to "Brahminhood for their honesty and dedication" is not inflammatory. But to some it is indeed inflammatory. I would like Govinda to clarify how honesty and dedication belongs to 'brahminhood', and where do others stand in this?

As for the rest of your claims, Govinda, please do clarify and substantiate them with evidence, so that we may know your side of the story. If not in this thread, then in a new thread or over PMs (please send me a PM and indicate which you find a better option -- PMs or a new thread). Either way, am not quite willing to let this pass without clarifications from your end.

Regards.