Dear Padmanabhan,
Thank You for your reply.
Let me discount the obvious ‘poetic licence’ that Raji has rightfully earned for ourselves. And focus on the three points that you have highlighted without mincing words – clothes, hugging and sex.
The first thing we should remember, is the author – she is a tradition bound lady from Chennai – to the best of our culture born and bred. She is seeing USA through her glasses. I don’t know where you live, but when I came to Canada 39 years ago, I immediately formed opinions, which have slowly withered away, and on the first instance, my reaction to Raji’s note would be similar to that of yours.
But, I needed to take a deep breath and put myself in her shoes. This was not all that difficult, as I just had to transpose myself in time to 1973….
Clothes: is it not true that westerners wear clothes from a sensibility viewpoint based on the weather. We have extremes, and with the winter comes the heavy sweaters and overcoats. These are replaced with lighter cotton, and with heat, mostly tshirts and shorts. Then there are special places such as beaches, where even skimpier wear is the norm. and some rarer places, where ‘no clothes’ is the order of the day. I don’t see anything wrong in Raji’s observations per se.
Contrast this to our country, where cotton rules – we have a mono weather more or less – with saris or churidars providing comfort, hygiene and modesty. I think I have hit the key word ‘modesty’ here. Particularly for women. Modesty is a definition of a society. To display a female leg is a source of pride in the west, and considered immodest in the east. Raji is an easterner, whereas Indians long living in the west, have acclimatized themselves to the western culture and see no wrong in display of more female body. Infact most of the women in their own household discard clothes to the cultural norm of their adopted homeland. Otherwise we would still be seeing sari or churdar clad mammies in the malls and offices of USA. Which we don’t.
Hugging: is it not true, that with close friends, hugging is a norm. I would hugh all my close Indian friends, regardless of sex. The key word is ‘close’ as it otherwise would spell ‘harassment’. But even to this day, I would not hug my sister. Have never hugged my mum or dad. And (ofcourse) none on my inlaws’ side. Whereas ‘what is simply not done in India’ is the norm here. Do we have to fault Raji for observing and commenting on this?
Finally sex: Let us look at statistics and I think, the attitude towards sex is one of gleeful exercise in the west, sans morality. It is neither right. Nor wrong. I feel so. It just is. Coming from the prudish attitudes which tambrams have towards sex, anyone from India would be surprised at the open attitude towards s.e.x. here in the west. That does not necessarily mean there is no extra or pre marital sex in India. It is just kept under cover. Also I suspect, there is more of sex related assaults, on a per capita basis in India than in the west, where everything is out in the open. Again, barring a small section of promiscuity, most folks, in the west, I feel, have only one partner at a time.
Having said all this, I feel, this type of explanation, must be more in order to address Raji’s concerns. That we who live in the west, are all, NOT displayers of our private parts in public, gropers of the other sex or freely have a ‘quickie’ with a guest, between drinks or dinner& coffee.
Raji is a poet and she is sparse of words to convey her observations. This is the poetic licence and rightfully so. Which is why it is a delight to read poetry, for the same stanza can be put to multiple interpretations. You have yours. Which you found offensive. I have mine. In which I was delighted and chuckled.
I still am at loggerheads with you, for your statement, that Raji’s poem, might incent certain Indian parents to avoid sending their daughters to the USA for further studies. Lots of problems in YOUR statements – why only daughters…is the first. Then are these folks so dense, that they do not know enough, or ask enough to get the true picture. Also, this is a chance for the daughters to convince the parents of their chastitiy vows and what not.
I think today, with over 50 years of migration of tambram students to the west, there is atleast one person from an average middle class family who resides in the west, and is sort of a role model. So the fear of going wayward should be discounted.
And to your plea for Raji to withdraw her comments – I think that is not a proper thing to ask. In my previous avatar here, I had folks who responded to some of my views with the same arguments. I refused ofcourse. For when you shut down an idea, without meeting it head on, you accept your own weakness and fears. Fears builds phantoms, which are more frightful than the original cause of the fear itself. Let us, those who disagree, take a deep breath, sit down and retaliate with logic and reason. Not with anger or force.
Thank You,.
