the roots of tamizh women - a question

[srithadi srinivasan]

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Hi all,

I am a newcomer to this website, and it has been recommended highly to me. I am so happy to be able to discuss our unique and wonderful culture with you all.

I have many topics that I would love to discuss, but I am currently spending some time with a very good friend of mine. After having our thayyar sadham this evening, both of us began a discussion about meeting women, particularly nice tamil women. We are both single, and have had trouble meeting tamil women that we click with. Please don't take this in any wrong way, but in our experience, which we just shared for the first time tonight, we have found similar things. Of the women we have met or our parents have set us up with, they have either been overweight, have had hygeine issues, have not taken care of themselves properly, or have been very socially awkward. On top of this, unfortunately they have not shared the enthusiasm for household duties as many of our mothers have gladly done. I would like to know your opinions on this? Possibly my friend Gopal and I are approaching this wrongly?

Again, please do not take offense to this. I am simply asking because I believe that much of this is due to the vastly different upbringings a tamil man goes through versus a tamil woman.

Look forward to hearing your thoughts. Thanks for having me on the site!

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

Wake up. guys. In what world are you living in? You want a nice, fashionable, intelligent young girl who will do all your dirty housework.

You can get a modern, fashionable, intelligent girl who will be more interested in her career than housework.

Or if you want to get someone who will happy to do housework, marry one of the girls you mentioned, make her slim, clean and fashionable in whatever way you want. Put in some effort. But be prepared to change yourselves also.

Best of Luck. You need all the luck since it has become very very difficult to get brides in our community.

 

[vijisesh]

Marriages are made in Heaven !

Just to remind u , people
Remember the great old saying ,
Marriages are made in heaven !!

Follow your instincts ! Also remember , u r dealing with another human being called a girl and she also will be having similar expectations , as u !

Believe me , anything can be set right after Marriage , if u believe that u both are destined couple for Life !!

First step ! Don't expect too much as u do from the latest gadgets that u purchase ! All the Best !

 

[Chintana]

Dear Sri Srinivasan,

Your predicament is not an easy one to handle.

As a woman, I do have a few suggestions.

(1) Please be clear about who you are and what you want. You must be open with yourself about what your strengths and weaknesses are. Please introspect until you feel comfortable about who you are. If you think you can improve in one or two areas do start taking steps towards that.

I say this because marriages usually involve a give-and-take but many people have no idea what they want to give up and what they want to hold on to. If you have a few things that are close to your heart and matter to you, you should not be willing to give that up. This can come mostly after a good self-introspection.

(2) Please be clear that marriage is a fundamentally giving relationship. What are you willing to give? You must have answers to that question.

(3) Please also be clear about what you want in a relationship. You must be able to talk about it with the person you choose.

(4) Many of our community girls are the way they are because they don't have proper encouragement at home. Parents are too quick to find fault with girl children and don't give them enough good words. So many of them may be a bit frustrated but they are still young and may change almost completely if they are made to feel good about themselves.

(5) You can't "make" any girl do what you want - if a girl does that it means she not have independent thinking. That could be because (1) she doesn't have exposure (2) she does not have self-worth. Both problems can be fixed. In the first case she needs to travel, in the second case she needs encouragement. Never try to control your partner. Sooner or later it will backfire. Remember that if that person is not willing to do something you cannot force her. You may certainly talk and reason with her and see what she thinks. Try to see that person as a friend.

(6) I think the most important of all - be prepared to love the girl as another human being. You probably know this already but a reminder is always useful - love is not a body quality. It is a soul quality. Remember that marriage is the coming together of two souls with the express purpose of mental peace and personal growth. There is no point if a pretty looking girl has a bad temper and shouts at you all the time.

I am not saying that looks are not important. Just that they are going to fade. Besides anybody can be exposed to the right influences that can help them look good. Usually women take an interest in their looks when they feel they are worthy, that they are important to the world in someway, and that they like being who they are. More importantly the beauty expressed by a woman who knows that she is loved cannot be compared with anything in this world. Do not be carried away too much by the standards of film and television. Every woman is beautiful. If you can see a good quality in a girl who doesnt seem very attractive at first, KNOW that with the right encouragement that person can bloom into someone very beautiful.

So take care to make a decision where you know (to the best possible extent that you can determine) that the person you marry will bring you mental peace. Everything else can be fixed.

(7) Pray for guidance. Dont try to do this on your own. Ask God to help you. Make sometime in your life to do earnest prayers - not the quick slokam with a one minute namaskaram. Try to connect with your favorite God (if you have one) - with love and respect for that God - after you feel a sense of calmness and peace - put forth your request. Ask Him to guide you to the right person. After such efforts (do this for however long you think is necessary - a week, a month, 6 months...until you feel you have achieved a measure of internal calmness and peace), the person who comes to your life is the person meant for you. Do not question it. Accept that soul's presence in your life as a gift from God.

(8) Above all, relax. And enjoy the process. Don't treat it like a project with specific rules. Allow your heart to grow and guide you through it. Remember that nothing is impossible for those who believe in themselves and God. Pray AND use your God-given intelligence.

I wish you all the best.

Regards,
Chintana

 

[balaiyer2]

Thank you Chintanaji. It is with wisdom accompanied by experience that you have written those suggestions. I wish our youngsters, particularly those who have got married in the last few years and those who are about to enter into that relationship, read your suggestions. The suggestions numbered in (2) and (3) are so apt; it needs some reflections from everyone concerned. In point (4), you have stated the reason for the vengeance our own young women, some of them, if not all, have against our own community. It is time we all reflect on this seriously and sincerely.

Besides, beauty is not what it looks; beauty is what it does! ( a great statement by Karl Marx); as we have neglected Marx in most other areas, in this particular one, it was completely overlooked, in fact, ignored thoroughly. Every woman is beautiful, after all, how many of us can say that "My mother is beautiful?" This modern concept of beauty which is more of a western outlook has completely ruled our people's minds since early 1980s. In many a cases, one doesn't know what one wants in a married life. A man wants a beautiful wife like a 'beauty pagan' but after marriage starts doubting the integrity of the same woman for no reason. The very beauty now has become the reason for turmoil. The very first day of their married life, that too if it happens to be an arranged marriage, the doubting begins - how this beautiful woman could have remained unloved by someone?

Many men (batchelors) want only stunningly beautiful girls, least realising that the beautiful woman would also want someone who is rather handsome (like Mr. so and so); and that is where the conflict begins. How many men do not doubt(at least, in the sub-conscious level) when they see their 'beautiful' women talking jovially with any of her male colleagues? This pertains to those who have settled in the West as well.

Generally, men are caught up in many issues; he wants his wife to be beautiful, at the same time highly educated, she should be good in cooking as well (an in-built contradiction in our out-look itself) and she should be a caring daughter to people at his home, a good mother to his child (no children); so there are many expectations from a lady while for men it is only one duty that to provide financial security to the family (which is nonetheless is such an easy job today that some 30 or 40 years before). It is this imbalance in expectations/roles to be performed by men and women creating all the problems in family life.

 

[Chintana]

Thank you Chintanaji. It is with wisdom accompanied by experience that you have written those suggestions. I wish our youngsters, particularly those who have got married in the last few years and those who are about to enter into that relationship, read your suggestions. The suggestions numbered in (2) and (3) are so apt; it needs some reflections from everyone concerned. In point (4), you have stated the reason for the vengeance our own young women, some of them, if not all, have against our own community. It is time we all reflect on this seriously and sincerely.

Besides, beauty is not what it looks; beauty is what it does! ( a great statement by Karl Marx); as we have neglected Marx in most other areas, in this particular one, it was completely overlooked, in fact, ignored thoroughly. Every woman is beautiful, after all, how many of us can say that "My mother is beautiful?" This modern concept of beauty which is more of a western outlook has completely ruled our people's minds since early 1980s. In many a cases, one doesn't know what one wants in a married life. A man wants a beautiful wife like a 'beauty pagan' but after marriage starts doubting the integrity of the same woman for no reason. The very beauty now has become the reason for turmoil. The very first day of their married life, that too if it happens to be an arranged marriage, the doubting begins - how this beautiful woman could have remained unloved by someone?

Many men (batchelors) want only stunningly beautiful girls, least realising that the beautiful woman would also want someone who is rather handsome (like Mr. so and so); and that is where the conflict begins. How many men do not doubt(at least, in the sub-conscious level) when they see their 'beautiful' women talking jovially with any of her male colleagues? This pertains to those who have settled in the West as well.

Generally, men are caught up in many issues; he wants his wife to be beautiful, at the same time highly educated, she should be good in cooking as well (an in-built contradiction in our out-look itself) and she should be a caring daughter to people at his home, a good mother to his child (no children); so there are many expectations from a lady while for men it is only one duty that to provide financial security to the family (which is nonetheless is such an easy job today that some 30 or 40 years before). It is this imbalance in expectations/roles to be performed by men and women creating all the problems in family life.

Thank you for your good words.

Your words reflect experience too.

If you think more people should know about this and if ever you want to send any part of the my previous message as email to your friends who might need it please do so. Let these words benefit whoever needs them. Hopefully that will also prompt them to come participate in this forum and spread the word.

Regards,
Chintana

 

[MP4U]

Dear Sri Srinivasan,
(4) Many of our community girls are the way they are because they don't have proper encouragement at home. Parents are too quick to find fault with girl children and don't give them enough good words. So many of them may be a bit frustrated but they are still young and may change almost completely if they are made to feel good about themselves.

This point, I wholeheartedly agree with. I have spoken to numerous women who are of Tamil origin and they say similar things -- that proper encouragement is not given at the home.

To add to this point, I will provide a slightly different angle. Suppose a young lady spends a bit extra making herself look nice on a daily basis -- be it applying makeup, doing her hair, general things we all do when we seek to enhance our presentation -- often times, this is looked down upon by other women in the house. The fat, overweight aunty feels insecure and starts yelling at the girl for taking so long and then accuses her of being vain.

Thanks
/MP4U

 

[suresh*]

The real problem is, Tamils are way behind the times. They're neither westernized nor Indianized. North Indian girls are better in that respect, at least they're progressive. Tamil girls are too traditional and old-fashioned, which is why most men look elsewhere.:lie:

 

[vijisesh]

Dear Mr.Suresh,

I agree with the first half of ur statement - Tamil Girls are Traditional , neither westernized nor Indianized but not with the latter -- ....which is why most men look elsewhere !

If I am not wrong , do u know How many Grooms who have earned fortunes , long to marry a homely Tamil girl with Tamil Mann Vasanai ??

Let us reason behind " Why Tamil Girls are not extroverts or outspoken / say not daring etc etc in this mechanical world ?"

Just because they are not permitted to ! They are permitted to operate confined within boundaries , a well protected fence , and in most cases due to their upbringing under sheltered or overprotected circumstances , they come to wrong conclusions primarily, in the illusion that there is someone always there to make the right decisions for them , may be the father , the brother or the husband during the stages after marriage ! Even if they brood or express dissatisfaction , it will be stay put within their own families "
Freedom and Self Decision making is something they have totally forgotten , thanks to their ** secured ** upbringing conditions !
And even now, in most parts of our communities in TN , the girl child is not taught to be brave , bold and to be independent , may be because of the scare from the society , as depicted in the movies - U know what I mean Goondas and Eve teasers ! ,
but this is not going to pay off !
A girl child needs to be treated alike as a Boy child upto some extent, to make her independent and self dependable !

 

[balaiyer2]

enquiry?

i just sent in a reply to Mr. Suresh's letter; did that reach you? i am
not seeing it in the box.
with regards,
balaiyer.