Growing Old Gracefully!

[rajuvish]

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An interesting quote: "To know how to grow old, is the masterwork of wisdom, and one of the most difficult chapters in the great art of living" - Henri F Amiel.
this might be a complex statement, disguised as a simple quote!

 

[kunjuppu]

a great topic rajuvish. thank you.

oh boy!! where do i begin. i am 60 now and the first thought for me every day is to compare my parents' status at this age. my dad was in an advanced stage of parkinsons disease, only to pass away at 64. mom was no better, the result of taking care of dad for all those years. I guess I am lucky and am grateful that I have many of my faculties still intact, even though at every doctor checkup I am reminded that I am a 1950 model!!

Personally, I think the key formative years of aging starts around late 50s and goes till early 70s. we have our foot in both the worlds, the active one from which we are reluctant to let go, and the retired one, which we embrace as convenience suits us, till we are finally condemned to the latter state.

Just like new years, I would like to make some resolutions:

- avoid being a boor. I have noticed that older the people get, the more they think they know everything and have to comment on it. They take offence at not being consulted. The worst case scenario, is mistaking old age for wisdom, they are asked opinions of topics where they have no clue or out of date information
- do not blame your children for neglecting you. they are of a different generation, busy with their own lives and demands and stresses. The last thing they need is another source of stress. If possible help out.do not be a nuisance. If you did your job as a parent well, they will be more towards you. if they don’t, then so be it. There never was any love.
- Find a lot of friends of your own age. This is important for whenever old people complain, there must some who can relate to it. Who can relate to indira gandhi or india of the 70s unless they are over 55 of age?
- Pick up some hobbies – not only to keep you active, but also to keep your brain working. A working brain will be an effective (is hoped) fortification against alzheimers
- With the failing health, accept those inconveniences as part of ageing and do not make excessive demands on the spouse. If the spouse is not the care giver, absolutely NO demands. Take what treatement you get with gratitude. Or hire full time paid help.
- Make a will and ensure that all properties are divided fairly between the children. If possible distribute as much over the lifetime, because money help is most appreciated when the children are young, starting a family or buying a new house
- learn to be a good second fiddle to your spouse at home (for men). help out wherever and whenever you can, without being asked
- More later…

 

[SuryaKasyapa]

God was very kind to my parents. Both lived beyondshe went to toilet by herself 70. Father upto 74 mother upto 72.

Father was in normal health till a week before death. Till he breathed last he was conscious,and able to communicate. He was bedridden for about 4 days before death, and that also without any particular complaint.He was socialising and going for a walk till then.

Mother died in sleep peacefully. Just a few hours earlier the family members and dinner together. She also did not have any particular major complaints . Had normal vision after catract surgery.

Though present day has its modern medicines, it also has its own lifestyle diseases , different from earlier days.

It is better to accept age gracefully. This is the best way to defeat aging.

 

[sangom]

Dear Kunjuppu,

A very relevant subject for oldies like us. Your observations are very apt. One more item I would suggest is to have an optimistic outlook instead of worrying about the many aspects and circumstances of life which may be unsuitable/troublesome for us sometimes.

 

[AnanthaNarayanan]

sirs,
all can keep the mind young. don`t feel old mentally.
all are young old boys

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear Friends,
Upto the age of 60 (that is half of purushayussu) weare supposed to achieve things in life. That is like climbing a hill. After sixty (when officially we are supposed to retire from manual /mental labour) we are climbing down from the hill. From this time onwards we will be seeing others (who are less than sixty)climbing. We are supposed to advise them of the route and pros and cons in the way. There should be a mentality to live with what is given and to adjust with younger generations. Never argue with youngesters. Practice silence

 

[Dr.T.N.Jambunathan]

I see patients because they refuse to age and accept the physical changes associated with it They want to look young and not bothering about the consequences they may have. They are elated when some body tells them you look like a sister rather than mother of your daughter. They go for cosmetics and surgeries (Beauty clinic and Parlor visits) Few of them I see with allergic reaction to dyes or problem with injection they had for the wrinkles etc and when told them about it they will come out with responses like I use imported one or my beautician is trained in US or UK and certified! Jambu:crazy:

 

[rajuvish]

extract from Kushwant Singh article.

Very valid points in the above posts - look forward to 'more later' promised in Kunjuppu post (which is great guidance for all "preparing for old age"): i share/reproduce below some thoughts of Kushwant Singh :-

EIGHT CLUES TO HAPPINESS
By- KHUSHWANT SINGH

Having lived a reasonably contented life, I was musing over what a person should strive for to achieve happiness. I drew up a list of a few essentials which I put forward for the readers' appraisal.

1. First and foremost is GOOD HEALTH. If you do not enjoy good health you can never be happy. Any ailment, however trivial, will deduct from your happiness.

2. Second, a HEALTHY BANK BALANCE. It need not run into crores(millions) but should be enough to provide for creature comforts and something to spare for recreation, like eating out, going to the pictures, traveling or going on holidays on the hills or by the sea. Shortage of money can be only demoralizing. Living on credit or borrowing is demeaning and lowers one in one's own eyes.

3. Third, a HOME OF YOUR OWN. Rented premises can never give you the snug feeling of a nest which is yours for keeps that a home provides: if it has a garden space, all the better. Plant your own trees and flowers, see them grow and blossom, cultivate a sense of kinship with them.


4. Fourth, an UNDERSTANDING COMPANION, be it your spouse or a friend. If there are too many misunderstandings, they will rob you of your peace of mind. It is better to be divorced than to bicker all the time.

5. Fifth, LACK OF ENVY towards those who have done better than you in life; risen higher, made more money, or earned more fame.
Envy can be very corroding; avoid comparing yourself with others.

6. Sixth, DO NOT ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE to descend on you for gup-shup(Gossip). By the time you get rid of them, you will feel exhausted and poisoned by their gossip-mongering.

7. Seventh, CULTIVATE SOME HOBBIES which can bring you a sense of fulfillment, such as gardening, reading, writing, painting, playing or listening to music. Going to clubs or parties to get free drinks or to meet celebrities is criminal waste of time.


8. Eighth, every morning and evening, devote 15 minutes to INTROSPECTION. In the morning, 10 minutes should be spent on stilling the mind and then five in listing things you have to do that day. In the evening, five minutes to still the mind again, and ten to go over what you had undertaken to do.

Nathaniel Cotton (1721-1788) summed up my views on the subject in one verse:

If solid happiness we prize
Within our breast this jewel lies

And they are fools who roam
The world has nothing to bestow

From our own selves our joys must flow
And that dear hut, our home.

" What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared
to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
------------

 

[rajuvish]

.....getting ready, preparing, for old age, actually: not yet old! old age will come much later: this discussion is like " yanai varum pinne, mani osai varum munne...."!!

 

[Dr.T.N.Jambunathan]

hehehehe...

All thaathas here... hahahhha

:-h

See Valli Thirumanam and listen to the song பழத்தபழம் தித்திக்கும்டி ! That was the experience of God Swaminatha! Jambu

 

[Sabesan Narayanaswami]

Getting old is a natural process and as long as you keep mentally active and know the physical limitations ,you will enjoy this phase of life also..I am in later half of 60s and I have a mother at 94 still very active.
I like the views of Mr Kunjuppu on this (#2.)

 

[Dr.T.N.Jambunathan]

a great topic rajuvish. thank you.

oh boy!! where do i begin. i am 60 now and the first thought for me every day is to compare my parents' status at this age. my dad was in an advanced stage of parkinsons disease, only to pass away at 64. mom was no better, the result of taking care of dad for all those years.del!!

:

- avoid being a boor. I have noticed that older the people get, the more they think they know everything and have to comment on it. They take offence at not being consulted. The worst case scenario, is mistaking old age for wisdom, they are asked opinions of topics where they have no clue or out of date information
- do not blame your children for neglecting you. they are of a different generation, busy with their own lives and demands and stresses. The last thing they need is another source of stress. If possible help out.do not be a nuisance. If you did your job as a parent well, they will be more towards you. if they don’t, then so be it. There never was any love.

-Make a will and ensure that all properties are divided fairly between the children. If possible distribute as much over the lifetime, because money help is most appreciated when the children are young, starting a family or buying a new house
- learn to be a good second fiddle to your spouse at home (for men). help out wherever and whenever you can, without being asked
- More later…

Advises well taken. You and I have some common grounds and we can built I think a beautiful super structure for this forum sort of sharing our experiences in this struggle to survive in this சம்சார சாகரம். Are you ready for this collaborative efforts Expecting more from you as promised

I envy you. You had an opportunity to take care of your parents with medical problems which I never had I don"t even remember my fathers face he died when I was 2 years. I was brought up in a Joint family with every one contributing monetarily physically and emotionally to see that each one was settled properly in their life to their capacity and ability . This system is now buried deep and now there is no sharing and caring. Since I was lost in the line my contribution to that great concept of joint family was nil as it was not needed In fact when I started my life it has already started to crumble !


The power cut will be in few minutes and I will be back at 10 AM Jambu:grouphug:

 

[RVR]

Every one goes through the life cycle and one day has to become old.

I am inspired by a farmer who is nearing seventy but still very active. He belongs to my native place and is a `Saiva Velalala Pillai". He appears in Doordarshan program `Vayalum Vaazhvum' regularly as he adopts innovative and modern techniques in his form on a continues basis.

He is doing lot of social service activities at this age. He involves me in such activities whenever I am able to spare time. One such activity is a school at a fisherman village.

vidyanidhi.in

The swamiji who is incharge of the school is not at all interested in day to day activities of running a school and he is interested in mastering and preaching `Vedhas' only. He is running the school as per the wishes of his `Guru' - Swamy Dayananda Saraswathi. But running a school involves getting lot of clearances from Government and also managing the finances and administration of the school. This gentleman relieved the Swamiji on day to day affair by fully getting involved with the administration of the school and is visiting it almost twice a week. He is still `very young at his heart'..

I am very much inspired by him and would like to follow his footsteps on getting involved in social activities as I am also getting old.

All the best

 

[rajuvish]

When RVR says "......i am inspired by him, and would like to follow his footsteps.....get involved in social activities......", that in itself is exemplary, and humility: the key things i see as highlighted in Kunjuppu post (of course all the points are very valid), 'don't mistake old age for wisdom' and 'don't blame your children for neglecting you'...i might go to the extent of saying that your role as parents contimues in old age as well, and, growing old gracefully also includes your 'ability' to refrain from adding to your children's stress in their life, as they grow on to the higher status of life, in turn, to (young) parents with growing social and professional responsibilities! Remember A M Raja's song, "samsaaram, samsaaram, sakaladharmasaram......uravodu unna vendum, oorodu vazha vendum........samsaara sagarathil, thuyar thangum nathi vendum, dhaaramodu kanavan athai thangi vazha vendum...."? this thread owes a lot to the contributions above, and i may be right in looking forward to more from SarvaSri Kunjuppu, (Dr)Jambu, RVR and many other respected members, from all age groups: sincere regards, namaskarams, rj.

 

[nachi naga]

body ages athma never

earn save distribute judiciously

earn ppl not money

live in present not in past nor future

 

[RVR]

When RVR says "......i am inspired by him, and would like to follow his footsteps.....get involved in social activities......", that in itself is exemplary, and humility: the key things i see as highlighted in Kunjuppu post (of course all the points are very valid), 'don't mistake old age for wisdom' and 'don't blame your children for neglecting you'...i might go to the extent of saying that your role as parents contimues in old age as well, and, growing old gracefully also includes your 'ability' to refrain from adding to your children's stress in their life, as they grow on to the higher status of life, in turn, to (young) parents with growing social and professional responsibilities! Remember A M Raja's song, "samsaaram, samsaaram, sakaladharmasaram......uravodu unna vendum, oorodu vazha vendum........samsaara sagarathil, thuyar thangum nathi vendum, dhaaramodu kanavan athai thangi vazha vendum...."? this thread owes a lot to the contributions above, and i may be right in looking forward to more from SarvaSri Kunjuppu, (Dr)Jambu, RVR and many other respected members, from all age groups: sincere regards, namaskarams, rj.

Sri Rajuvish

People who are retiring from active service have to work for the society. During active service, they have been working for their families. Once the Children are grown up and take care of themselves, it is our duty to give back something to the society. If we develop such an attitude, society will also respect the senior citizens.

Personally I would like to get involved with social work. My children will take care of themselves and I don't want to earn anything for them . At the same time, I don't expect anything from them monetarily at least. Definitely I will have enough savings to take care of my wife and my self.

Under the above circumstances, I don't want to sit before TV and watch serials. With the launch of 3G and Wimax, mobile internet will become very popular to know the happenings around us. Even participation in this forum should be made more productive for our community. If I get engaged in some social service activity, definitely it will give me immense pleasure and satisfaction. I would like to encourage my wife also in such social service activities of her liking.
I think this will keep me productively engaged for few more years. Let me think about further course of action when I am unable to move out.

All the best

 

[Raghy]

See Valli Thirumanam and listen to the song பழத்தபழம் தித்திக்கும்டி ! That was the experience of God Swaminatha! Jambu

I thought that song was from 'Kulebagavali'; MGR sings to T R Rajakumari.....

 

[Dr.T.N.Jambunathan]

May be true. But I thought Muruga comes as an old man teasing Valli and she refuses the old mans advances And Vinayagar frightens Valli and she runs to the embraces of the old man and then he really turns out to handsome Muruga , thought the old man was teasing Valli with this song. I have seen this in Local Therukoothu in Madurai long back. I have not seen these movies Jambu

 

[kunjuppu]

...

I envy you. You had an opportunity to take care of your parents with medical problems which I never had I don"t even remember my fathers face he died when I was 2 years. I was brought up in a Joint family with every one contributing monetarily physically and emotionally to see that each one was settled properly in their life to their capacity and ability . This system is now buried deep and now there is no sharing and caring. Since I was lost in the line my contribution to that great concept of joint family was nil as it was not needed In fact when I started my life it has already started to crumble !


The power cut will be in few minutes and I will be back at 10 AM Jambu:grouphug:

Jambu,

I have to disappoint you on this count. Like many many TB families, I am an only son, (have a sister). And very early in life, left india for Canada. so for the entire period of my father’s sickness, the caregiving was done solely by mom, this was a 10 year stretch and it took a lot out of her. Taking care parkinson’s disease is harder on the care giver than on the patient himself. The sad fact is that I knew the hardships, and for reasons unwilling to discuss here, I stayed back in Canada.

Dad had no interest to coming to Canada, and sat on the approved immigration form till he died.

Sometimes I hear folks my age broadcasting that they have had no regrets in life. i cannot say that about myself. these guys, either they are extremely lucky or deliberate liars. one can take their pick.

My list of regrets is long and still growing. top of the list is failure to help mom out in taking care of dad. Fortunately though, the reasons for being thankful and joyous, are sort of balancing those regrets and shortcomings.

Life is a mixed bag and full of greys. No clear black and white.

 

[happyhindu]

Shri Kunjuppu Ji,

You have said it very beautifully in your posts.

Many times i hear folks who say 'well i will take of my parents when they really need me', etc....but i think such 'kids' are cheating themselves without realising it. They wait until its too late (usually after a parent has passed on and then they think how cud mom/dad go away so soon)...Parents are meant to be taken care of. Period. Charity truly begins at home.

 

[rajuvish]

A useful quote: "You have to take the good with the bad, smile when you are sad, love what you have got, and remember what you had: Always forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret: People change, things go wrong, but life goes on!" -- again, debatable! -- rj

 

[sankara_sharmah]

This is something I had posted in a Blog. Hardly anyone visited the Blog. No comments.

I am posting it here because this is relevant to the topic under discussion. Please ignore the comments about children abroad which has no relevance here.

I happen to be a Tamil Brahmin. Of course there are many people in the community who question this. That is a different matter.

Now when I meet some people from the community and try to get acquainted the problem starts. Conversation begins.

He: Where do you stay?

Me: Mention a city outside South India which I love.

He: Why are you staying there? Is your son working there?

Me: No. Me and my wife stay alone.

He is puzzled to say the least. Cannot imagine anyone staying outside his home state voluntarily because he loves the place.

He makes a guess and his next question is.

He: Are your sons abroad?

Me: No. All my children are in India.

Now almost completely baffled he tries again.

He: Are they married?

Me: Yes.

Now he looks around for somewhere to escape. I have become Persona Non Grata in his view. The next time he meets me, he avoid me like the plague.

I do understand his problem. A Tamil Brahmin stays in Tamil Nadu or Bangalore. His children stay abroad. In case they stay in India the parents stay with the son.This is what is and should be done.

He is not able to imagine older parents staying on their own even when the son is in the same city. He cannot imagine an upper middle class Brahmin with all his children in India. It is just not done.

My children have gone and stayed abroad. But they prefer to stay in India. I prefer to stay in my own house.

Society is forcing even those parents who can afford to stay independently to stay with their son. This is one of the major problems facing older people in India. More about this attitude later.

 

[sankara_sharmah]

My generation and my father's generation started the trend of uprooting the parents from their roots and bring them to an alien environment in the old age. How many thousands of parents have been forced to leave tranquil villages where they were leading peaceful lives, and shift to the concrete jungles of the cities.

Justification: Sons have to look after the parents in their old age and what will the society say if I leave my old parents in the village?

The happiness of the parents was/is sacrificed to ensure that the Son meets the expectation of his peers. Social pressure.

This continues.

Please think. If you are interested in your parents, do what will make them happy. Find out what makes them happy. Not copy what others are doing because of the pressure from the society.

People talking about scriptures? Quoting the story of Haridass? I will post about how fallacious this argument is later.

 

[sangom]

Dear Shri Sankara_Sharmah,

There are now many parents staying in the same city but separate from their sons/children. I know one or two cases where the widowed mother is staying on the first floor and cooking separately, while her son and family live downstairs. For outside this may not matter but such instances reveal the situation today. In fact I know one couple, wife very sickly, staying in an old age home (very decent) some kilometers away from the metro-city in which their only son lives. These have come to be accepted and no one reacts the way here (I am talking of TVM) as you found in TN.

However, neighbours, relatives and others will always desire that old people stay with their children so that, in case an emergency arises and these people do something they are not found fault with, by the children, later on for their omissions and commissions. We must understand their compulsions also. The very same people go on harping about the parents migrating to the foreign country and staying with their son/s (if none of them is in India) or one of the children leaving the foreign country and coming to India to take care of the aged parents as it is the filial duty.

 

[arya]

Quite an interesting and useful topic for senior citizens like me. Kunjuppu's resolutions and Kushwant Singh's eight points almost sum up essential points. I would put HEALTH as the first. Prevention of the main health problems is a must;keeping the body weight, checking the BP and Bl. sugar and eating the correct food. I am 79 now and have come on a short holiday from India to UK to my daughter's house.. The unpolluted atmosphere here ,I consider is conducive to avoid respiratory problems. A positive attitude in life is again a must. The longevity has increased over the years and Kunjuppu should not consider himself old.
arya