Dear sri kunjappu ji
Girls with such an attitude do not take life seriously. If they select their life partner, they may even break their marriage for silly reasons. I think financial independence is important for women but if she leaves the job and sit at home she can understand the mental agony of her parents. I feel sorry for her parents and not her.
Bagya
bagya,
i hear you.
with one marriage age (26) boy and two others slipping into the same status in a few years, my wife and i, have often discussed, our own hangups and expectations, in this ever fast changing world.
i am 59, and i have lived in canada for 37 years. i visit india very often, 3 times in the past 12 months. my extended family was once lower/mid middle class. now through upward mobility, even with inflated land values, they are considerably midtoupper middle class, with a few of them touching the bottom end of being termed 'wealthy'.
mine being a female tended family, i am really and pleasantly surprised, how quickly the girls get hooked. all of them have been love marriages, most within the community and a few other, hindus but out of state or caste.
the exception has been arranged marriage. granted these are all urban brought up, though only chennai. chennai has come a long way, in my opinion, from the old madras mores, where all lights went off at 9 pm and everyone was awake at 5 am.
in this context, here i am, thousands of miles away, and watching many a friends of mine, similarly aged, waiting for their children to find spouses. most of the children of TBs who grew up here, have opted to find their own mates.
almost all of them marry out of caste, but within the hindu fold. caste has become meaningless here and comfortably shed, even among the grandsons of vadhyars, within a blink of eye.
but there are a significant number who are single. well into their 30s and within the peek of 40. at that age, my grandmother was a GRANDMOTHER. here we have girls who are comfortably single, and the friends do not ask the gossipy query with a smirk என்ன எதாவது நிச்சியம் ஆச்சா?
because, folks have found that we are all in the same predicament. ie we do not have any say or control over the marital status of our children.
maybe, as parents in our 50s and 60s, we need to get out of that mindset, that our duties are not completed till we get our children married, and get to hold the grandchild.
if such happens, good. if such does not happen equally good. because these things are not within our control, and to pine to those yearnings, cause only misery and ultimate destruction of health, relationship and peace of mind. and most serious of all, the feeling that we as a parent has failed to do our duty. nothing close to truth in this.
it does not take much to verbal sympathy for the parents of the said girl. it takes much more, to empathize and give them consolation in the face of reality, that an unmarried daughter is not the end of the world and that their மானம் is intact and safe. after all, in our community, is not loss of face the ultimate shame?
in that context, the girl's parents, trapped as they are, in their own mental cage, have my most endearing sympathy. i think, it is upto you bagya, and similar enlightened soul in your family, to move past dwelling on the unpleasant aspect and proceed to educate the parents towards realities and help them maintain their sense of dignity and self respect in the சபை.
better still, make an effort to educate the சபை. the சபை is inherently critical and cruel. such is the nature of all groups. they need the underdogs to vent their frustrations. it takes a better human being to make an effort to uplift the சபை to better and enlightened standards. bagya, perhaps, if you will, you can take up the challenge within the சபை that is your extended family.
இவன் ரொம்ப easiaya சொல்றான், you might say. who is he to tell me, also you might say. all valid questions, for which i have no legitimate answers. only one thought comes to me.. if you would and could look at the mirror of your future, challenges to morbid community mores, will come to hit you at some time, sooner or later. at that point, you need all the allies that you can muster within your family சபை. so, why not earn some IOUs starting now?
such an initiative on your part, is not charity. nor is it self serving. it is the right thing to do, in the face of current realities. the changes, they are moving fast. we constantly need to prowl and seek solutions for challenges, and not be overwhelmed by the monstrosity of some of these, as they are suchly perceived in our 20th century mindset.
hope i am making some sense. best wishes to you and your extend family.
