right or wrong as per shastra

[Lakshmikrishna]

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Hi, I have a question related to Hindu Shastra. We belong to very orthodox Tamil brahmin family and follow all madi ,acharam and all hindu rituals. My Sister-in-law (Hubby's younger sister) passed away in her 26 after her delivery. My in-laws are very upset and not able to bear the loss. After 3 months(Mid of 2013), they started doing all weird things. Let me tell that. They took print of her daughter's photos and kept in room and hall. After that they started doing all the things like offering coffee,breakfast,dinner. Daily they keep dresses also and next day morning she will wash. Wherever my Mother-in-law goes, she will take the photo. Even at home, after doing pooja, she will keep karpoora aarathi, kungumam and flower.Even at nights, she will keep the photo nearby and offer bed spread, pillow and all. The list never end. so many....... nowadays she is insisting my 3 year and 1 year kid to offer food and insisting them to say Good morning,Good night to photo of my SIL. Is this things allowed in shastram? No one is telling her that she is doing wrong and all accepted whatever she does. I cant tell anything because she is very senti. Kindly help how to deal this? She is telling because of ancestors sin only, her daughter is not alive. Now I am afraid, because of this things she does, it will affect my kids. Still she is following all madi,shastratam and all..Kindly help? How to deal? Don't suggest to bring to psychological doctor. She will not accept that.

 

[a-TB]

It is hard on your mother in law since she lost her daughter. Only your husband can talk to her. He should suggest to go on a pilgrimage trip to get her out of the routine. When she returns she may not do these things. Also move out of the house if that is possible.

 

[agopal]

The "love" bondage with the loved ones continues after the loved ones are dead. Time heals it but does it slowly in full respect of that love. I used to walk close to the burial ground always looking at the place where they cremated her corpse after my Grandmother passed away when I used to return from school. Some how that comforted me. Different people express their love differently. The soul also lingers on missing that love. It takes a full year for the soul to move on according to scriptures. Please do conduct all rituals as per scriptures. They were setup for easing the soul and give peace to our hearts. I'd ask her to recite Vishnu Sahasranamam every day and direct that love towards Him. All the devas/elements that run us will be at peace hearing it. It is Vishnu that moves us all while living and after we pass away. At a higher level it is all Him, the souls animate, inanimate, devas, asuras, earth moon, space, sun etc. etc. etc. if inquisitive, Katha upanishad gives some answers on what happens to soul after it dies etc...

 

[tbs]

Hi, I have a question related to Hindu Shastra. We belong to very orthodox Tamil brahmin family and follow all madi ,acharam and all hindu rituals. My Sister-in-law (Hubby's younger sister) passed away in her 26 after her delivery. My in-laws are very upset and not able to bear the loss. After 3 months(Mid of 2013), they started doing all weird things. Let me tell that. They took print of her daughter's photos and kept in room and hall. After that they started doing all the things like offering coffee,breakfast,dinner. Daily they keep dresses also and next day morning she will wash. Wherever my Mother-in-law goes, she will take the photo. Even at home, after doing pooja, she will keep karpoora aarathi, kungumam and flower.Even at nights, she will keep the photo nearby and offer bed spread, pillow and all. The list never end. so many....... nowadays she is insisting my 3 year and 1 year kid to offer food and insisting them to say Good morning,Good night to photo of my SIL. Is this things allowed in shastram? No one is telling her that she is doing wrong and all accepted whatever she does. I cant tell anything because she is very senti. Kindly help how to deal this? She is telling because of ancestors sin only, her daughter is not alive. Now I am afraid, because of this things she does, it will affect my kids. Still she is following all madi,shastratam and all..Kindly help? How to deal? Don't suggest to bring to psychological doctor. She will not accept that.

hi

its not sastram...just belief based....if she died as SUMANGALI....you can help a poor gal for education/marriage....better wait

for sometime to heal the pain...

 

[satyam]

Vanakkam,

People deal with grief differently, not everyone will have the same approach. Until your in-laws find closure for their loss, there is not much you can do about it. In this case, time is the best healer.

What you could possibly do is to divert their focus on valuing life, by encouraging them taking up some hobbies, participate in NGOs or temple activities, so that they can have time on their own. A change of environment now and then helps, visiting family members, tours and pilgrimage as one member rightly said.

Psychological support and therapytoo will be very much helpful to help your in-laws getting out of grief. As sometimes, only a neutral third person can be successful on shining light to cases like this.

As the wise member said, do talk to your husband and find out what he thinks on this issue, and whether he has some suggestions that can help your in-laws out of that grief? Do share your thoughts too with him, perhaps you both would agree on an idea or two after the discussion?

As far of shastras, good or bad, do and don'ts, I'd love to hear what other experienced members here have to say. God is benevolent and kind. So He/She does understand the plight of your in-laws and your dilemma. Instead of worrying of the bad effects (if there is), why not pray for speedy recovery of your in-laws and if it makes you feel better say your worries to God and ask God to help you?

I hope your in-laws will be getting better soon.

 

[renuka]

Grief has a few phases.
Let them grief a while.
Dont be worried of right and wrong now.

There is no actual right and wrong for a depressed mind.
They are keeping her memory alive.
This phase would pass.

Meanwhile try to be sympathetic towards them but
DO NOT try to be a daughter to them now..they are not looking for a replacement now...make them focus on the grandchild..make sure they dont start to view the baby in a negative manner..try to take them out for some outings but usually at this stage they might not really feel like leaving home.

If symptoms of major depression and delusion set in..you would need to get medical intervention.

But ideally your kids shouldnt be made to go along in this grief process.
That you have to discuss with your husband.

 

[Lakshmikrishna]

Thanks for all your replies. Its been 5 years and still there is NO change. I talked/discussed/fought with my husband many times , but he is not willing to discuss this to his parents as they are too much sentimental. I never worried much on this. Now only worrying much when they are involving my KIDS in this grief.

As per our shastram, departed soul will rebirth again. As they are following everything as per sashtra, why should they keep on disturb the soul already departed?

tried giving medical help. But that also went in vain.

 

[Shankar Venkataraman]

You mean Mid 2018 or Mid 2013... And this is very relevant..

If typo and it is Mid 2018, then environmental change - living place for the effected to change.... Move to their sisters, brothers ( both father & mother in laws ) houses, if in a different city that would be very useful...

Have observed the changes and the mental strength that the immediate loser gets by moving to a different place...

 

[Lakshmikrishna]

Its mid of 2013.. It happened on May 2013

 

[renuka]

Thanks for all your replies. Its been 5 years and still there is NO change. I talked/discussed/fought with my husband many times , but he is not willing to discuss this to his parents as they are too much sentimental. I never worried much on this. Now only worrying much when they are involving my KIDS in this grief.

As per our shastram, departed soul will rebirth again. As they are following everything as per sashtra, why should they keep on disturb the soul already departed?

tried giving medical help. But that also went in vain.

5 years???
Then its a depressive state that needs help..could be a delusion becos of complete denial.

Yes..you are right..you have every right to protect your kids..they should not be exposed to an unreal state.

Per religion we are not supposed to disturb the soul but thats a different matter now cos we have no evidence for that BUT we can only focus on the living.

She has to be given psychiatrict help and your children need a conducive environment...your kids can not be dragged into this depressive state.

 

[Raghy]

Thanks for all your replies. Its been 5 years and still there is NO change. I talked/discussed/fought with my husband many times , but he is not willing to discuss this to his parents as they are too much sentimental. I never worried much on this. Now only worrying much when they are involving my KIDS in this grief.

As per our shastram, departed soul will rebirth again. As they are following everything as per sashtra, why should they keep on disturb the soul already departed?

tried giving medical help. But that also went in vain.

I was 14 years old when I had enough of 'celebrating' the birthday of my elder sister who passed away few years before I was even born.

Talk to the Vadhyar / Satrigal in private. If the Vadhyar / Sastrigal tell the elders that, if someone keep thinking of the departed, the departed would not not find Shanti.

We 'celebrate' the 13th day after the death only to move away from the departed. The remembrance becomes once a month and after one year, becomes once a year.

Dragging the departed into attachment would not let the departed find peace. The Vadhyar / Shatriga would explain this.

5 years is not a long period. Don't fight with your husband. Possibly he needs help just like you do too.

Don't worry about the children.... they will overcome this in time.

Support the older persons. They have a massive grief and would appreciate the support.

My five cents worth ( 5 cents is the minimum denomination here).

 

[vgane]

5 years is long period...Completely empathize with you!
Does your MIL have any other close relation (sister/brother/niece) etc who are close to her..May be they can bring about a change!
You said your SIL passed away after delivery..Does she have a kid then!! May be getting & rearing that child can help to heal your MIL

 

[KRN]

Hi, I have a question related to Hindu Shastra. We belong to very orthodox Tamil brahmin family and follow all madi ,acharam and all hindu rituals. My Sister-in-law (Hubby's younger sister) passed away in her 26 after her delivery. My in-laws are very upset and not able to bear the loss. After 3 months(Mid of 2013), they started doing all weird things. Let me tell that. They took print of her daughter's photos and kept in room and hall. After that they started doing all the things like offering coffee,breakfast,dinner. Daily they keep dresses also and next day morning she will wash. Wherever my Mother-in-law goes, she will take the photo. Even at home, after doing pooja, she will keep karpoora aarathi, kungumam and flower.Even at nights, she will keep the photo nearby and offer bed spread, pillow and all. The list never end. so many....... nowadays she is insisting my 3 year and 1 year kid to offer food and insisting them to say Good morning,Good night to photo of my SIL. Is this things allowed in shastram? No one is telling her that she is doing wrong and all accepted whatever she does. I cant tell anything because she is very senti. Kindly help how to deal this? She is telling because of ancestors sin only, her daughter is not alive. Now I am afraid, because of this things she does, it will affect my kids. Still she is following all madi,shastratam and all..Kindly help? How to deal? Don't suggest to bring to psychological doctor. She will not accept that.

OP has stated "Don't suggest to bring to psychological doctor. She will not accept that" but I see some suggestions like that given above.

OP, anyway it is the mother of your SIL, so her grief must have been huge. Here is something for your consideration. If the apara kriya of the departed soul was not done properly, some strange "possessions" might occur in the family. This is what I have heard from elders and also read in certain texts, never seen it happening myself. My suggestion is to discuss this with the family priest and if required, do the Gaya Shraddham or get her to listen to a Srimad Bhagavatha Saptaham from beginning to end.

 

[Lakshmikrishna]

Hi Thanks a lot. All the apara kriya done properly by her husband and still he is living as single and dont wanna get married again for his daughter. He is doing shraddham every year without fail.

Even my MIL and FIL went to kasi and Gaya. There priest told them to leave the photo which they kept in ganga river. She cried a lot and left in river.

But after coming home, Immediately they reprinted again and started their regular activities. I really dont have guts to tell not to involve my kids in this things. M husband also does NOt have guts. My hubby still thinks that if he asks his mother to stop all the things she does for her daughter, he will be get punished by his SISTER. STRANGE..

I dont much interact with our family vathiyar and he is my MIL's relative (distant brother). All the ways are closed and really I am worrying nowadays.

 

[tbs]

hi

only your husband can do to your MIL/FIL......other than nodbody can help it...may be your family vadhyar can do better....

 

[Lakshmikrishna]

Thanks a lot

 

[renuka]

Hi Thanks a lot. All the apara kriya done properly by her husband and still he is living as single and dont wanna get married again for his daughter. He is doing shraddham every year without fail.

Even my MIL and FIL went to kasi and Gaya. There priest told them to leave the photo which they kept in ganga river. She cried a lot and left in river.

But after coming home, Immediately they reprinted again and started their regular activities. I really dont have guts to tell not to involve my kids in this things. M husband also does NOt have guts. My hubby still thinks that if he asks his mother to stop all the things she does for her daughter, he will be get punished by his SISTER. STRANGE..

I dont much interact with our family vathiyar and he is my MIL's relative (distant brother). All the ways are closed and really I am worrying nowadays.

Yes..a bit unusual that too none of them seem to realize that they could be tormenting her soul by all their actions.

Understandable if its grief but this looks unhealthy for both mental and spiritual well being of everyone.

Many would expect you to sympathize but i guess you feel helpless and pushed to your limits.

Now you have to focus on your kids.
May be you can educate them by saying their grandma isnt all that normal now and unable to handle her loss BUT the fact is the person is dead and gone and what your children are witnessing at home is just human behavior gone haywire.

My reply might sound a bit unfiltered and no sugar coating becos i am going strictly medical here( i work as a doc)..so the same advice I would give to anyone who is facing issues as you.

Only you seem to be the sensible one cos you care for well being of your deceased sis in law and your family and your inlaws.

Partly a lot of us Hindus are bound by supertitious beliefs that a premature death is becos of some Pitr dosham etc.

To be honest in this present day a maternal.death post partum is rare if one had proper medical attention.

The cause of death would surely be known to you ..post partum usually its post partum sepsis which is again very rare if one has medical access unless a mother had a pre existing medical condition that was not detected earlier..hard to say anyway.

But you have to be firm here..from your words i can see that you are unable to express yourself to your family who all seem to be in a dissociative reality( forgive me if i sound harsh..becos as adults we can still programme our minds to know reality from unreality but kids should not grow up in an unreal situation)

So you must explain to your kids that what they see is extreme expression of non acceptance of humans to move on in life due to deep attachment..tell them its not insanity but just a misplaced understanding...then explain to them some basic understanding about life and death and tell them about rebirth etc.

Its not as if i feel no sympathy for your in laws but they should realize they have led their lives and their grankids are just growing up and should not be sucked into a portal of unreality.

Hope my advise helps..i know its blunt but to a great extent you might want to.consider my words.