Hello Tamil Brahmins again :) after nearly 2 years!

[amala]

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Dear OzoneJi,

Some of us who have been here quite a while know theblues from way before, when she posted her predicament the first time. Now the saga continues, with good progress we note.

So we were all merely giving friendly/useful suggestions. That is all.


Kumari/Sow Amala

 

[C RAVI]

Dear smt Amala, I wouldnt cast my vote on something so personal to some one and in which I have no stake or details enough to understand what really matters in that family.
I noticed a lot of you, almost all of you fancying about it and throwing in ideas as if it is going to be a fancy dress show.
I thought I will throw in some different perspectives in, so she can get some realities as well.
Sarve Jana: Sukhino Bhavantu

You are very correct. Different perspectives presented by matured and experienced people are allways the most valuable. I would certianly agree with you here.

But, what I could sense from theblues's story (from the very begining, around 2 yeas ago), the boy and the boy's relatives are not making any attempts to bend the grand old lady. Nor the mombers here (I strongly believe) are working towards it.

It is just that theblues loves her man, respect his feeling and love towards his mother, respects the feelings, emotions and the culture of the grand old lady (her man's mother) and knowing her background (Vietnamese girl) she is making honest attempts to express her love and respect to her man and her man's mother.

Even between a truely loving and caring couples, a husband has to make her wife happy/please her by saying her cooking today is toooo great. Like wise a wife may say that today her husband is too intelligent... This doesn't mean that they are faking with their love and care towards each other.

What you say??

 

[theblues]

Exactly, why dont they be as they are and hope to be accepted as is. If they are bent in pleasing the grand lady, why not find an authentic one. Are they taking Indian Mami's for granted?

Dear ozone and sarma-61,

Making changes to adapt oneself in certain circumstances, to my limited knowledge n experience, is far different from changing oneself completely to become someone totally different from the real person he/she is. Every single human on this globe is unique in his/her own way. That too applies to the different races, ethnicities, rituals n cultures all around the world. For this absolute fact, we change our attitudes, gestures, behaviours,... and so on,... toward certain different people from certain different backgrounds surrounding us so as to create harmonious relationships without conflicts...

You certainly know the meaning of the famous saying "When in Rome, do as the Romans do". It would undoubtedly be...weird if I did the gesture with my parents, I mean, bending down n touching my mum's feet n greeting her "Namaskaaram"!! Yet that's quite a normal way to show respect to elders if I do it when I meet my boyfriend's mother. I hope, now, the picture is clear,... that I certainly don't take my future mother-in-law for granted, and that am NOT at all trying to be a "real, natural, indian or tamilian" though to tell the truth, it would be nice if I could have their breathtakingly beautiful eyes

Years ago, while browsing threads in this forum, I came across a post from a member saying something like this "It's God's will that roses are roses. Orchids are orchids. Roses cannot be orchids nor vice versa! Why messing them up to make a creature neither rose nor orchid against God's will?"... I understood it as an objection towards the idea of inter-racial or inter-caste marriages. Marrying a person from a different race, religion or caste, in my humble idea, doesn't require any of the two parties to neglect his or her own culture and originality. Children, after all, are the symbol of the passionate, sincere and true love of the parents. How and why does somebody think of children born from a happy marriage as a way of giving the ORIGINAL, PURE offspring of one's caste or race? It's merely the offspring of love. I'm sure God also wants human beings to lead a happy, peaceful life filled with love.

The nature and culture lies inside the individual. The children may not look like pure Indians but they can always be Indians at heart. They will speak perfect Tamil, understand n practise all the rituals that what you may call a PURE Tamil Brahmin should do. Simultaneously, they won't forget where their mother came from either.

And there, you won't consider them as half-Brahmin or half-Indian or half-Vietnamese. It's a combination. We don't have to lose one to get another, in THIS case. We gain more while reserving what we already have. It'll be just a pure Indian and a pure Vietnamese being in one complete person.

I hope the response has somewhat answered the questions posed

Thank you again for your sincere and thoughtful opinions towards this.

Best regards,

theblues.

 

[amala]

theblues,

That was beautifully written. Bless you! I have always felt as well that one doesn't have to lose one identity to gain another. Its very heartening to know that your kids will speak Tamil as well. While you're at it, definitely teach your guy Vietnamese, ok? That'll be a hoot!

Let me just vanish before being accused of encouraging race mixing et al . Kidding!

 

[theblues]

Hi TheBlues,
Let me state for clarity again that I am not Indian nor Tamil but I adore the culture. I may be incorrect here but I do offer you my observations...

Be sure to be completely INSIDE or OUTSIDE and do not in your excitement do this in a DOORWAY! Unlike in the States Tamil culture is such that reaching through doorways is not really done. I do not know the background of the custom only that it is best to avoid doorways! :-D

Truly appreciate this!!! Will surely remember when the right time comes!

 

[nalanda]

Hi Theblues,
I am a newcomer and i have a daughter of similar age to you i guess. If my daughter was in your situation I would say to her to
take note of all the previous advice and since you cannot be anybody else you might as well be yourself.Be humble and act humble via a vis the old lady and touching an elder's feet, obligate the recipient to give blessing and naturally is bound to see you in a good light.Nalanda

 

[prasad1]

Hi Theblues,
I am a newcomer and i have a daughter of similar age to you i guess. If my daughter was in your situation I would say to her to
take note of all the previous advice and since you cannot be anybody else you might as well be yourself.Be humble and act humble via a vis the old lady and touching an elder's feet, obligate the recipient to give blessing and naturally is bound to see you in a good light.Nalanda

Very good advice from a PIO mother.

 

[renuka]

Whatever said and done..on a personal note from a person who has been married many years I feel its always better to hold back some of your true self.

We need to always maintain our true self(which actually cannot change) even though we might not need to show that we are still the same within.
Just adjust to the surroundings when needed..thats all.

Even though I am married to a fellow Hindu/Indian but there were some differences in the manner we were brought up.

For example they celebrate Ponggal grandly but my family we did not and neither did I make any attempts to celebrate Ponggal grandly but I dont mind joining anyone who does.

Some relatives used to comment that I dont wear Thali and Pottu but I still didnt wear it..I felt its my personal choice but I never fought back when anyone commented..I just acted as if it fell on deaf years.

Sometimes when we try too hard to please someone..it can go either way..

1)You might be fully accepted by them but the risk is we cannot show any decline in adapting to their demands and expectations.

2)You might come across as too suffocating and trying to be too pleasing and some might even suspect your real intention

For me I would be happy if my future DIL is a fellow Hindu(I hope) and even if she is not a Hindu thats my sons decision.
Whether she is going to be a Hindu or Non Hindu..all I want from her is just be like how she is in her own house and be happy with my son but most important thing is they should stay on their own and not with me.

A newly wedded couple need to be alone for many years to build a strong bond..after all a duty of a mother/father is to hand over her son/daughter to their spouse and we should retire and focus on God on our last days instead of meddling and being a Ghrihasta all over again.

Even in my professional line of duty I am always wary of the patient who sings praises of me.So never try too hard to please anyone not everyone falls for it.

 

[theblues]

Hi Theblues,
I am a newcomer and i have a daughter of similar age to you i guess. If my daughter was in your situation I would say to her to
take note of all the previous advice and since you cannot be anybody else you might as well be yourself.Be humble and act humble via a vis the old lady and touching an elder's feet, obligate the recipient to give blessing and naturally is bound to see you in a good light.Nalanda

Thank you, Nalanda, for your advice

 

[renuka]

Dear Blues,

Have you thought of the fact that you may have to stay far away from your family?
Are you prepared for that?

You see some of us when we were in college also had boy friends from different countries from ours(eg guys from India) and girls from USA/Msia etc but each time the plane lands back in Malaysia/USA for example and when we see our parents we feel the tug of love for our parents and the feeling for the boyfriend decreases a little but when the plane takes off to India again..the feelings for boyfriend grows again.

I know the example I have given might come across as immature love but it actually happens.
You have to remember if you need help that only your own family can provide you will be totally on your own.
Have you given this a thought?
Have you thought of a back up plan just in case God forbid things dont turn out the way you had wished after marriage?

Please dont get me wrong..I am wishing the very best for you but just putting across some questions..I know we can only cross the bridge when it comes but even those of us who married fellow Hindus have thought of some back up plan for worst case scenarios.

I knew of a person who even gave up her citizenship and regretted it later.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Blues,

You have to remember if you need help that only your own family can provide you will be totally on your own.
Have you given this a thought?
Have you thought of a back up plan just in case God forbid things dont turn out the way you had wished after marriage?

Please dont get me wrong..I am wishing the very best for you but just putting across some questions..I know we can only cross the bridge when it comes but even those of us who married fellow Hindus have thought of some back up plan for worst case scenarios.

I knew of a person who even gave up her citizenship and regretted it later.

A good thought provoking message for theblues...

 

[theblues]

Dear Blues,

Have you thought of the fact that you may have to stay far away from your family?
Are you prepared for that?

You see some of us when we were in college also had boy friends from different countries from ours(eg guys from India) and girls from USA/Msia etc but each time the plane lands back in Malaysia/USA for example and when we see our parents we feel the tug of love for our parents and the feeling for the boyfriend decreases a little but when the plane takes off to India again..the feelings for boyfriend grows again.

I know the example I have given might come across as immature love but it actually happens.
You have to remember if you need help that only your own family can provide you will be totally on your own.
Have you given this a thought?
Have you thought of a back up plan just in case God forbid things dont turn out the way you had wished after marriage?

Please dont get me wrong..I am wishing the very best for you but just putting across some questions..I know we can only cross the bridge when it comes but even those of us who married fellow Hindus have thought of some back up plan for worst case scenarios.

I knew of a person who even gave up her citizenship and regretted it later.

Dear Renuka,

Yes, I have thought of it, and that is the only thing that bothers my mind once in a while about the decision I've made. I know things never happen the way we want and there are always more possibilities to have a broken relationship than a happy forever and after marriage. Human beings are bound to change as time passes. Since it's not in my power to know whether there will be a day when our changes do not meet one another's expectation any more, I let God decide it for me.

The only thing I can be sure of is that my family always welcomes me n loves me no matter what happens, what decisions I make and what mistakes I commit. I'm willing to stay far away from my parents because my sister and her husband will take care of them in my physical absence My dear boyfriend, likewise, needs to take care of his mother on his own too, so I'm truly more than happy to give him a hand in building a cosy home for our family.

I understand your concern, Renuka. You don't want me to come back here after a few years, bitterly regretting for the decision I've made. That's something I don't want to happen either, but everything can happen, especially bad things tend to happen easily n more usually than good things. However, the truth is, I try not to worry much about tomorrow, for I know little if I will still be alive in the next five minutes.

 

[prasad1]

Dear Renuka,

Yes, I have thought of it, and that is the only thing that bothers my mind once in a while about the decision I've made. I know things never happen the way we want and there are always more possibilities to have a broken relationship than a happy forever and after marriage. Human beings are bound to change as time passes. Since it's not in my power to know whether there will be a day when our changes do not meet one another's expectation any more, I let God decide it for me.

The only thing I can be sure of is that my family always welcomes me n loves me no matter what happens, what decisions I make and what mistakes I commit. I'm willing to stay far away from my parents because my sister and her husband will take care of them in my physical absence My dear boyfriend, likewise, needs to take care of his mother on his own too, so I'm truly more than happy to give him a hand in building a cosy home for our family.

I understand your concern, Renuka. You don't want me to come back here after a few years, bitterly regretting for the decision I've made. That's something I don't want to happen either, but everything can happen, especially bad things tend to happen easily n more usually than good things. However, the truth is, I try not to worry much about tomorrow, for I know little if I will still be alive in the next five minutes.

I wish the best for you. If have the support of your partner, and commitment any thing and everything is possible.
I met an American couple with their two kids, who have settled in Jaipur. She was telling her experiences there, and that was amazing. Having been born in India and lived early part there, but now we feel we do not belong there. But my cousin who spent 30 years in USA is happily settled there.

So I wish you all the best.

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

Yes, I have thought of it, and that is the only thing that bothers my mind once in a while about the decision I've made. I know things never happen the way we want and there are always more possibilities to have a broken relationship than a happy forever and after marriage. Human beings are bound to change as time passes. Since it's not in my power to know whether there will be a day when our changes do not meet one another's expectation any more, I let God decide it for me.

The only thing I can be sure of is that my family always welcomes me n loves me no matter what happens, what decisions I make and what mistakes I commit. I'm willing to stay far away from my parents because my sister and her husband will take care of them in my physical absence My dear boyfriend, likewise, needs to take care of his mother on his own too, so I'm truly more than happy to give him a hand in building a cosy home for our family.

I understand your concern, Renuka. You don't want me to come back here after a few years, bitterly regretting for the decision I've made. That's something I don't want to happen either, but everything can happen, especially bad things tend to happen easily n more usually than good things. However, the truth is, I try not to worry much about tomorrow, for I know little if I will still be alive in the next five minutes.

Dear Blues,

You are a darling...God bless you and may you and your partner be blessed with happiness forever and ever.

 

[KRS]

Dear Sowbhagyavathi theblues Ji,

You seem to have great values and nobility. Our boy is indeed lucky.

God bless.

Regards,
KRS

 

[BostonSankara]

Dear Sow. theblues,

From my experience the Vietnamese culture is rich and beautiful.There are few countries in Asia as lush and beautiful. I have the pleasure of attending a University that has a large percentage of Vietnamese students and is located in an area where many Vietnamese people live so I can actually get a really good Ban Mi anytime I want one! I hope that you man gets an opportunity to experience your culture as well!

-
Sankara

 

[theblues]

Dear Sow. theblues,

From my experience the Vietnamese culture is rich and beautiful.There are few countries in Asia as lush and beautiful. I have the pleasure of attending a University that has a large percentage of Vietnamese students and is located in an area where many Vietnamese people live so I can actually get a really good Ban Mi anytime I want one! I hope that you man gets an opportunity to experience your culture as well!

-
Sankara

Hi Sankara,

It's "banh mi", and yup, it's absolutely yummy. But trust me, you really need to come to Viet Nam to get the real taste of a truly delicious Vietnamese banh mi!! Things are very cheap here for expatriates. I know lots of native English speakers coming here with TESOL or CELTA certificates n getting high-paid jobs at some prestigious language centres or international schools.

My boyfriend got captivated by the nature n the culture here the first time he came. It's somewhat like Chinese as they ruled us for 1000 years, but there are still some significant differences. He also loves Vietnamese vegetarian food. However, I've noticed that he always eats a lot more than usual when we go to our favourite Indian restaurant here

Oops, enough advertising for my country . Nice to know you've got a chance to know about Vietnam from the other half of the globe!

Cheers!!!

 

[theblues]

Thank you Renuka, KRS and Prasad for your wishes Hopefully my April journey will bring back here good news

 

[Raji Ram]

This video is interesting...

Anthony Bourdain - Banh Mi in Vietnam - YouTube

 

[KRS]

Dear Srimathi RR Ji,

I avidly watch Anthony Bourdain on TV, here in the USA (Travel Channel - Cable).

Watched the above one - lovely. Have you watched his Kerala episode?

Regards,
KRS

 

[Raji Ram]

........ Have you watched his Kerala episode?

Dear Sir,

Watched the first of the three uploaded videos. Lots of NV stuff!
But I liked the way Mammoo Ettan entertained his guest Mr. Anthony! :hungry:

Regards.........

 

[KRS]

Dear Srimathi RR Ji,

Yes, I enjoyed the Mammooty episode as well. Did you watch the one where he sits down with this Brahmin guy during a wedding and eats from the banana leaf?

Regards,
KRS

 

[Raji Ram]

...... Did you watch the one where he sits down with this Brahmin guy during a wedding and eats from the banana leaf? ....

Yes Sir! Just now I saw that in the second part. For sure, Mr. Anthony has no reservations!!