Hello Tamil Brahmins again :) after nearly 2 years!

[theblues]

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Indian guys and Indian girls have the same Indian mentality. In most of the cases it leads to NEEYA-NANA???? situation.

Indian Girl - Indian Boy...

I have my priority-I have my priority too;

I am looking for a handsome and rich guy- so am looking for a beautiful and accomplished girl;

I want my parents to be with us after marriage-I want my parents to be with us after our marriage;

I am as a lady earning this much so you must earn more than me - I am earning a lot and dont want a girl just to enjoy my earning but to contribute finanacially to some extent or equally;

I will accumulate my salary and I well spend it the way I want. You as a man should not ask my money to run the family show - we are earning to jointly run the family show so you should contribute your earning for our family;

I can't go against my parents - I can't go against my parents too;

If you want me to continue with you, you should obey me - If you want to continue with me, you should obey me.

I know our Indian culture, so it should be like this only - I am Indian too and I know what's our culture better, so it should be like this only.

What if I married you as your wife, as a lady? I will follow my family traditions only-You are married to me and as a Man, I have to follow my family's/ancesstors traditions only.

etc..etc....etc...etc...etc...

But when the things are foreign, the mind set changes. Probably it helps broadning one's mentality.

I guess, the above are the reasons for an Indian guy/Indian girl to be adjustable with a foriegn partner.

Hi Ravi,

It does happen in my country too when a Southern girl gets married to a Northern boy or vice versa. I think just being adaptable n flexible depending on certain situations they both are in, would help in this case? It sure won't completely please both parties but at least, it won't let anyone down. I mean, my family wouldn't feel pleased if my boyfriend didn't try using chopsticks, but he certainly loses his appetite eating that way, so I usually bring food to his room after we finish eating with my family Likewise, I learn n try to eat with my bare hands being with his friends. I suppose, the priority in such cases, in this case, it's love n marriage, is reducing the differences, not emphasizing one's uniqueness.

 

[prasad1]

Never chase some one with no backbone, they will squirm and slip out.
But some one with backbone may also have opinions!!! LOL

 

[theblues]

PrasadJi,

I am not convinced that we can just blame the parents and also i dont think you are understanding my question. I was asking why when it comes to Indian girls the guys and family, but mostly the guys themselves have incredibly high standards for her. But when they date women of non-Indian background they are more willing to overlook many things.

Hi amala,

Mine ONLY ignored the "same gothra" and "religion"

 

[theblues]

Dear theblues,

I am too glad to know this good news. You are certainly a dream girl of your man!! It is nice to note that you want to be atleast bit adaptive, convincing, pampering & respecting the culture of your Man's family too as a good gesture, along with maintaining your true self.

After all life is all about give and take, adjustment, compromises, mutual love and care. Especially when it's a Love marriage all such adjustments/flexibility should be much effortless and often out of true heart feelings without any grudges.

Loving and respecting your Man's mother would be the most delightful reciprocation to your man's honest and sincere love towards you.

With your posititive attitude, honesty, gracefulness and sense of respect, I am sure you will win your would be mother-in-law's heart for ever.

Have a great time ahead. Wish you all the best of good luck. God bless you.

You have been offered with many valuable suggestions and tips by the members here.

I just would like to tell you this -

Honor your Man's mother as shown in the picture below and say - "NAMASKAARAM MAAMI"

Dear Ravi,

I don't have to bend down n touch her feet as a gesture to show respect towards her?
"Namaskaaram"... I'm going to have to get this pronounced accurately, lest she will burst out laughing at my disastrous pronunciation

 

[tks]

Dear sarma-61,

In my humble opinions, listening to others' suggestions is always different from taking one's advice n acting upon it. It's never bad taking different suggestions into consideration, then making my own decision of how to react, manage n deal with certain matters in my life under certain circumstances

I don't know why you personally consider him as an ungrateful son but I think, his mother, just like any other mother in this universe, merely wants her son to be happily married for ever after. She, however, may b worried that her son won't look, act like an Indian or a Brahmin any more just because he's married to me... Changing him is something that I have never thought of, not to mention attempting to do it!!...

Making this decision has been arduous to him because there is no way on earth he would want to upset his dear mother. But I guess, as a human being, we must be wrong in some certain things even when we're parents, so, listening to our son for once in our life may be something worth trying?

I believe you sure know the saying in English "Love me, love my dog"... I've been in love with this guy for more than two years - a not very long period of time, but long enough for love to grow n strengthen to the extent where I naturally will love the woman he's loved all his life, the one who has overcome the excruciating pain of giving birth to a child to bring him to this life, brought him up in a perfect way, provided him everything he needs, loved him and taken care of him unconditionally for the long 33 years of his life. For that, I hope she will not accept me "with an outwardly show of affection and all" but hate me "to her bones inwardly" Apart from that, what is it that an Indian girl can do that I cannot do or learn how to do for my husband and my mother-in-law? Or is it just because I don't look Indian?

We do love n respect each other, so it surely is NOT a one-sided love.

I do highly appreciate your straightforward and honest post towards this

Best regards,

theblues.

Ms theblues -

I just had a chance to browse this thread.
Your responses show that you are extraordinarily mature in my view.

I am sure your mother-in-law will end up accepting you fully since you seem to be making a sincere effort to unite rather than divide.
In the process you have shown that you can set aside ego-response and approached the issue with a view to listen to all sides.

Best Wishes

 

[renuka]

Dear all,

I am going to be point blank here..before that..Theblues, please dont get me wrong this question has nothing to do with you and I wish the best for you and your partner but this question is for all the guys here.

Here goes..dear all..since I am Non Brahmin and rather a neutral observer I would like to ask this question?

Q) In other threads I have seen where the cases of TB girls marrying NB guys being discussed as if its almost the end of the world and TB girls are blamed non stop for it but how come here I see a different tune being sung?

Why cases where TB boys marrying Non Indians/Non Hindus are viewed so differently and in fact being supported and still TB girls are blamed for this saying that their demands drive the TB boys away to other races.

I wonder why this double standards?

Dear All,

I am starting a new thread after suggestion by Raghy Ji..so do please do not respond to this post here.You may respond in the new thread if you wish too.

Thank you
Renu

 

[Raghy]

Sowbagyavathy Renuka, Greetings.

Q) In other threads I have seen where the cases of TB girls marrying NB guys being discussed as if its almost the end of the world and TB girls are blamed non stop for it but how come here I see a different tune being sung?

Why cases where TB boys marrying Non [COLOR=#da7911 !important][FONT=inherit !important][COLOR=#DA7911 ! important][FONT=inherit ! important]Indians[/FONT][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR]/Non Hindus are viewed so differently and in fact being supported and still TB girls are blamed for this saying that their demands drive the TB boys away to other races.

I wonder why this double standards?

This is a very important question. I humbly request you to start a seperate thread based on this question, please. This thread is started by 'The Blues' to obtain important suggestions. Let's not hijack this thread, please. I can guess some of the possible answers to your query and possible responses too. That's why I am requesting you to start a new thread, please. Thanks.

Greetings.

 

[renuka]

Sowbagyavathy Renuka, Greetings.



This is a very important question. I humbly request you to start a seperate thread based on this question, please. This thread is started by 'The Blues' to obtain important suggestions. Let's not hijack this thread, please. I can guess some of the possible answers to your query and possible responses too. That's why I am requesting you to start a new thread, please. Thanks.

Greetings.

Dear Raghy,

Ok sure..in fact I was thinking of that too and wanted to see response first if anyone feels I should have a seperate thread for this.

Ok I will now..just wondering what the title should be.

 

[Naina_Marbus]

Dear all,

I wonder why this double standards?

I don't see a new thread. So a quickie:

Here is a simple explanation:
I generally find that a husband seems to fit in more easily, and feel
more comfortable, more welcome in the house of his in-laws as compared
to his wife who at the best suffers her in-laws.
I have had a lot of male relatives about whom their mother-in-laws shower
praise, but the female relatives never tire of carping about their in-laws.
This is true even for a lot of my friends. Why is that?
So, it would seem that men do not need any advice as to how to deal with
such situations.

 

[KRS]

Simple, dear Srimathi Renuka Ji! As BG says, the women in any culture are the repository for keeping that culture alive.

Regards,
KRS

Dear all,

I am going to be point blank here..before that..Theblues, please dont get me wrong this question has nothing to do with you and I wish the best for you and your partner but this question is for all the guys here.

Here goes..dear all..since I am Non Brahmin and rather a neutral observer I would like to ask this question?

Q) In other threads I have seen where the cases of TB girls marrying NB guys being discussed as if its almost the end of the world and TB girls are blamed non stop for it but how come here I see a different tune being sung?

Why cases where TB boys marrying Non Indians/Non Hindus are viewed so differently and in fact being supported and still TB girls are blamed for this saying that their demands drive the TB boys away to other races.

I wonder why this double standards?

 

[renuka]

I don't see a new thread. So a quickie:

Here is a simple explanation:
I generally find that a husband seems to fit in more easily, and feel
more comfortable, more welcome in the house of his in-laws as compared
to his wife who at the best suffers her in-laws.
I have had a lot of male relatives about whom their mother-in-laws shower
praise, but the female relatives never tire of carping about their in-laws.
This is true even for a lot of my friends. Why is that?
So, it would seem that men do not need any advice as to how to deal with
such situations.

Dear Naina Ji,

New thread is already there titled TB guys marrying Non Hindu/Non Hindus.

 

[renuka]

Simple, dear Srimathi Renuka Ji! As BG says, the women in any culture are the repository for keeping that culture alive.

Regards,
KRS

Dear KRS Ji,

I am answering your reply in the new thread I started.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Ravi,

I don't have to bend down n touch her feet as a gesture to show respect towards her?

Dear theblues,

Offcourse you have to bend down and touch her feet as a gesture to show respect towards her and it is to show your willingness to get her Blessings..

You can say "NAMASKAARAM MAAMI" the moment you and she come face to face and instantly bend down to get her blessings.

One more thing, I feel "may be" good for you. Maximum try to avoid calling your Man by his name when his mother is present. Some very orthodox ladies dont like this and why to give a single chance that can trigger unrest for your Man? Offcourse, you can check this out with your Man much before you land in his house.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear sarma-61,

In my humble opinions, listening to others' suggestions is always different from taking one's advice n acting upon it. It's never bad taking different suggestions into consideration, then making my own decision of how to react, manage n deal with certain matters in my life under certain circumstances

I don't know why you personally consider him as an ungrateful son but I think, his mother, just like any other mother in this universe, merely wants her son to be happily married for ever after. She, however, may b worried that her son won't look, act like an Indian or a Brahmin any more just because he's married to me... Changing him is something that I have never thought of, not to mention attempting to do it!!...

Making this decision has been arduous to him because there is no way on earth he would want to upset his dear mother. But I guess, as a human being, we must be wrong in some certain things even when we're parents, so, listening to our son for once in our life may be something worth trying?

I believe you sure know the saying in English "Love me, love my dog"... I've been in love with this guy for more than two years - a not very long period of time, but long enough for love to grow n strengthen to the extent where I naturally will love the woman he's loved all his life, the one who has overcome the excruciating pain of giving birth to a child to bring him to this life, brought him up in a perfect way, provided him everything he needs, loved him and taken care of him unconditionally for the long 33 years of his life. For that, I hope she will not accept me "with an outwardly show of affection and all" but hate me "to her bones inwardly" Apart from that, what is it that an Indian girl can do that I cannot do or learn how to do for my husband and my mother-in-law? Or is it just because I don't look Indian?

We do love n respect each other, so it surely is NOT a one-sided love.

I do highly appreciate your straightforward and honest post towards this

Best regards,

theblues.

Dear theblues,

I am really touched by your sense of fairness/justfulness, humbleness, thoughts, attitudes and maturity.

You have a very good and sweet heart. The heart, I believe/wish should never be disheartened.



Your man is really really a lucky guy. I wish you both all the success, whole heartedly.

I will be eagerly waiting for your updates after you meet up with your Man's mother, at his home. As well the updates on the matters that is leading towards engagement and marriage..

 

[BostonSankara]

This goes across the board for so many cultures. I have many friends from Thailand. The Thai aesthetic for women is based upon women from the north of that country. Taller, more pale complexion, and eye shape that even the Thai simply call "Chinese" or Jin. Now my friends were from all over and I dated a few women from Thailand that were (absolutely beautiful to me) but VERY southern looking. My male Thai friends would giggle about this very thing and ask why I liked said women!!!! Meanwhile these men would do back bends for the homeliest of white women! I have no definite answer amala and like you I don't want to derail TheBlues thread either but lets just agree that the perception of beauty is HIGHLY cultural and once you are out of your own water no one knows what they may find! To be honest I think it's actually quite refreshing! :-D

But when it comes to other ethnicities/races these Indian guys don't see the looks, don't have the same unreachably high standards for these girls. They say they see the heart, love etc.

My question to these guys is why when it comes to Indian girls only, they want it all. She must be pretty, well educated, job, same gothra, religion, virgin, horoscope must match, mother must like her, relatives must like her, boss at work must like her...hehe kidding..but you get my drift!?

When they get a Korean or white girl or Latina or Pakistani for example, all these don't matter anymore.

Why?

 

[BostonSankara]

As I understand things in their current state you must accept that something incredibly great is being sacrificed (unnecessarily and sadly) for the rest of time. Something very great is indeed changing not just for the mother but for him as well. In choosing to love you his children's birthrights will disappear. They will lose their chance to propagate the Vedas. They will not be allowed the kavacam (armor) that is the Gayatri (a mantra and meter of Vedas) and every time this happens Brahminical life takes a hit. I say sad and unnecessary because it doesn't HAVE to be that way but it is at the moment. All that said it is a sacrifice well worth it in the name of love. My only point in stating this is to impress upon you the concepts that she is up against even if her son isn't pious and performing the Sandhyavandanam her grandson will lose that right. Now with all that said.... GO BE IN LOVE, GET MARRIED, AND MAKE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN to fill the world with laughter! I believe Aditya (the sun god) will accept the laughter and love of your half-brahmin babies as the highest Sandhyavandanam!

She, however, may b worried that her son won't look, act like ... Brahmin any more just because he's married to me... Changing him is something that I have never thought of, not to mention attempting to do it!!...

 

[BostonSankara]

Hi TheBlues,
Let me state for clarity again that I am not Indian nor Tamil but I adore the culture. I may be incorrect here but I do offer you my observations...

Be sure to be completely INSIDE or OUTSIDE and do not in your excitement do this in a DOORWAY! Unlike in the States Tamil culture is such that reaching through doorways is not really done. I do not know the background of the custom only that it is best to avoid doorways! :-D

Dear theblues,

Offcourse you have to bend down and touch her feet as a gesture to show respect towards her and it is to show your willingness to get her Blessings..

You can say "NAMASKAARAM MAAMI" the moment you and she come face to face and instantly bend down to get her blessings.

One more thing, I feel "may be" good for you. Maximum try to avoid calling your Man by his name when his mother is present. Some very orthodox ladies dont like this and why to give a single chance that can trigger unrest for your Man? Offcourse, you can check this out with your Man much before you land in his house.

 

[amala]

Actually I think the children will be Brahmin, as the father is one. I'm sure the more learned people in the forum will correct me if thats not the case. So nothing to worry!

 

[sarma-61]

There is a popular saying in Tamizh, "ETTuc curaikkAy kaRikku utavAtu". It means that the image and description of 'gourd' will not be useful to make curry out of it; one should have the real, natural gourd itself.

Here the non-indian girl theblues is being given so many instructions and coaching by many members. But I believe all these will not be adequate to create a real, natural, indian or tamilian.

 

[ozone]

Here the non-indian girl theblues is being given so many instructions and coaching by many members. But I believe all these will not be adequate to create a real, natural, indian or tamilian.

Exactly, why dont they be as they are and hope to be accepted as is. If they are bent in pleasing the grand lady, why not find an authentic one. Are they taking Indian Mami's for granted?

 

[Raghy]

There is a popular saying in Tamizh, "ETTuc curaikkAy kaRikku utavAtu". It means that the image and description of 'gourd' will not be useful to make curry out of it; one should have the real, natural gourd itself.

Here the non-indian girl theblues is being given so many instructions and coaching by many members. But I believe all these will not be adequate to create a real, natural, indian or tamilian.

Sri.Sarma, Greetings.

Blue is a Vietnamese girl. Our TB hero liked a Vietnamese girl. The suggestions are made for her to survive her proposed India trip successfully. She will succeed. If our hero wanted an Indian Tamilian only, he would have found one; but he wanted a girl who he loves, who loves him. Due to circumstances, our Vietnamese Blue happen to fit the picture. She is not trying to imitate a Indian, Tamil, Hindu girl; she just wants to know our culture so that she would complete the trip without offending anyone. She is doing her homework.

I wish her all the very best. I request you and all the members to bless her, please. Thanks.

Cheers!

 

[C RAVI]

There is a popular saying in Tamizh, "ETTuc curaikkAy kaRikku utavAtu". It means that the image and description of 'gourd' will not be useful to make curry out of it; one should have the real, natural gourd itself.

Here the non-indian girl theblues is being given so many instructions and coaching by many members. But I believe all these will not be adequate to create a real, natural, indian or tamilian.

Shri Sarma,

Offcourse real is real, fake is fake, mixing is mixing...

As far as human life is concerned, it is purely based on each person's inner conscious, feelings of heart, thoughts in mind clubbed with all basic human psychology.

Life is too strange. Sometimes its too cruel too. It's just our destiney and our strength and perceptions to take things ahead and move on.

A male and a female mixing is enough with all their true love, care, respect and compassionate feeling towards each other. The acceptace to accept the other the way the other is, the acceptance to adjust and make compromises mutually and the right attitude towards one's partner and joint family life are enough for a male and female on this planet to go a long way with compassionate love and care, in a family life till the ripe old age and die eventually.

Marriage is a great instituion and the most challenging instituition. Both real (same community) and mixing by best possible addaption (inter caste/inter religious/inter national) can equally turn out to be disastrous or marvelous.

Life is a unique journey and each individual has to go through it to experience, to learn, to undertand and to keep up one's inner conscious in tact without misleading onself and the other.

101 efforts can be made to unite loves and not a single effort should be attempted to ruin/break their tender hearts. In most of the cases a broken heart lives a fake life or a strainful life.

So, let us join hands to encourage a very good hearted, desciplined, dignified and compassionate girl to live her life as she wish with a guy who likes her back equally. And leave the things in the hands of God for better.

 

[amala]

Exactly, why dont they be as they are and hope to be accepted as is. If they are bent in pleasing the grand lady, why not find an authentic one. Are they taking Indian Mami's for granted?

I take it, that you don't approve?

 

[amala]

I feel we should be ourself and not lose our original identity too much. If someone truly truly loves us, he/she will love us for who we are. Having said that, theblues is just doing her homework and any woman willing to please her guy will do that, for love.

 

[ozone]

I take it, that you don't approve?

Dear smt Amala, I wouldnt cast my vote on something so personal to some one and in which I have no stake or details enough to understand what really matters in that family.
I noticed a lot of you, almost all of you fancying about it and throwing in ideas as if it is going to be a fancy dress show.
I thought I will throw in some different perspectives in, so she can get some realities as well.
Sarve Jana: Sukhino Bhavantu