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Future - not so sure

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kr subramanian

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I am in mid fiftees. My son will be graduate within three to four years.ie he is in his teen age My daughters( married now) have also passed this teen age five to seven years back. But my son`s attitude fills fear in me. His indifferent attitude, his unwillingness to study his way of argument against my words. His arrogant approach towards his mother. I enquired with some of my friends (caste/religion no bar) everybody had more orless similar experience. Where is our next generation moving towards?
Is it our mistake that we have not cultured them properly?
Can we leave it as teen age problem with hope (eventhough dim) that in future it will be ok?
What will be position if we were forced to stay with them in old age(that alsowithout any income)
Can it be their overconfidence to face the life that these children have?
Is it the effect of lack of joint family approach now a days?
 

Raghy

Well-known member
Sri. Subramaniyan Sir,

Greetings. Teen agers are very jumpy due to harmonal imbalances. It is quite hard for them to handle the harmonal overdrive. They can talk mostly what ever they like at home and get away with that; so, home is the only place where they can be freely expressive.

Most teen agers could be nervous or even petrified about the future; I was. They need reassurances in a casual manner, where they should not feel they are getting reassured. I never got any kind of reassurances when I was young...even today I am petrified about the future. I have never grown out of that stage. (But, I reassure my children quite well. They see me as a solid rock when they need support!).

As long as the children are not seeking drugs; as long as they are interested in pursuing higher education, then they are in the right track. The present generation is more informed than the past generation.

Cheers!
 

kunjuppu

Well-known member
dear krs,

as parents, all of us, i imagine, on more than one occassions have doubts about our parenting skills and the imagined future outcome of our offsprings.

my first word to you is 'not to worry'.

fears builds phantoms, and we can get ourselves worried sick about imagined shortcomings and disasters.

having said above, i should also extrapolate, that there is no guarantee in life - of success or or failure. teenage is among the most difficult periods for anyone. the children are in the process of trying to figure out a world for themselves, and figuring out the dichotomy between what is said at home, and the world outside.

the less of the difference of values, the more they are at peace with the society and its surroundings. atleast that is the way i see it.

i see more of an insecurity in yourself from the little note that you have typed here. it appears to be more driven by financial insecurity. sir, if you don't mind, in this day and age, i would strongly recommend that you find income security for your old age.

do not expect your children to be your old age insurance. if it so happens, let it be so, and consider yourself fortunate. our world is increasingly populated by parents who are living away from their children, either due to circumstances or by choice.

i imagine, it would be better to live on your own terms, than getting to hear the words of a daughter in law dictating terms. if it be so that you need to live with your child, consider living with your daughter. your wife and daughter,chances are, will get along better with each other. the mother daughter bond is the strongest bond between two humans. it is more likely that your son in law is more tolerant to the presence of the in laws than the daughters in law. this is what i have been told by folks in both camps.

i do not need to detail the relationship pitfalls between dils and mils.

back to your son. let him grow up. i think, the worst possible thing, is to bug him to an extent, that it drives him away from you mentally. just shower him with love and affection, and eventually, everything going well, your son will turn out good, not only in his career, but also in terms of affection and caring.

the key word here, i think, is patience.

best wishes...
 
Last edited:

sangom

Well-known member
I am in mid fiftees. My son will be graduate within three to four years.ie he is in his teen age My daughters( married now) have also passed this teen age five to seven years back. But my son`s attitude fills fear in me. His indifferent attitude, his unwillingness to study his way of argument against my words. His arrogant approach towards his mother. I enquired with some of my friends (caste/religion no bar) everybody had more orless similar experience. Where is our next generation moving towards?
Is it our mistake that we have not cultured them properly?
Can we leave it as teen age problem with hope (eventhough dim) that in future it will be ok?
What will be position if we were forced to stay with them in old age(that alsowithout any income)
Can it be their overconfidence to face the life that these children have?
Is it the effect of lack of joint family approach now a days?

Shri krs,

Since you have raised an intrinsically personal and family problem, kindly bear with me if I too sound a bit encroaching into your personal and private province.

1. from your expressed fear of old age without income, I doubt whether your son is studying ina "high-profile" college. This is the aim of most parents, so nothing is wrong with that. But if your son finds that he is a 'below-par' சோடை among his peers, it can manifest the symptoms you write of. I had a very rich relative of mine, earning in lakhs and having assets worth crores, whose son studied in a college of the super-rich. Once that youngster told me about his college mates, their drug habits, girls, homo-sexuality and so on. He said one of his friends had a foreign car for his use; he did some drunken driving and got into a crash, luckily he escaped with minor bruises. Next morning another brand new car was delivered to him - his father's gift on hearing of the accident. My relative's son told me that among such super-rich kids he felt small!

2. If your wife is the one "who minds the store" in your house, there is a chance that your son, with his emerging masculine awareness feels sort of repugnance towards mother because he finds her bossing around the father, who is his reference point as the male in the family. If he had an elder brother, possibly the situation would differ. In households like this, the daughters get very much bonded with the mother, take after her also. But where the mother is a feeble member slightly better than a doormat, the son will feel compassion for her and may also distance himself from the father to some extent.

3. As Shri Raghy said, it is always necessary to be watchful about "drugs". Whatever our level of puritanism might be, it is no guarantee against our impressionable kids being led astray simply by peer emulation and peer pressure.

4. My feeling, as a 70-year old man having brought up 3 sons, is that your son is insecure and not satisfied with his surroundings. He is not over confident.

5. As to your old age, it is always better to look after yourself rather than go and stay with your kids. Shri Kunjuppu has given the best advice but I will caution you that in case the parent becomes bed-ridden or severely handicapped, even the daughters may start distancing கரிச்சுக்கொட்டறது as we say in Tamil. I see it in one current instance of a very noble lady, now widowed.
 
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