Definition of a successful marriage

[pannvalan]

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What is the definition of a successful marriage?

Dear friends, please post your own version/s. I am eager to know.

 

[sapr333]

Dear Pann,

It's just few years since I'm married,I think I'm not in a great position to share much. However,touch wood, so far we being on the right track, I think, I'm eligible to share few thoughts.

The first secret I learned is, "Thou Shalt Tell 5 Lies A Day to thy wife"!!..
தினமும் ஐந்து பச்சை பொய் !! .Like a moslem who meticulously look towards the West each day and utter 5 namaz, I do look to her eyes/SMS/mail/Call to stage whisper that 5 lies/day quota, ie, 'Sweet Heart,You Look Beautiful'. Just like a scratched gramaphone record.

Above all, making a call to Mother-In-Law,taking her to a movie (which I dont like),strum a song for her,adventurously eating out in a dark remote highway Dhaba after a long drive with no purpose,let her hold the T.V Remote,buying her a Pug (I hate pets),make her a bed coffee (once in a while) etc are all some secrets for growing old with her.

If one wanna make a wife fall in unconditional love, day after day, try doing a foot massage to her, and a bit of R&D on pedicure.


Btw, this song by Adam Sandler, is indeed an inspirational one to me.

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you
I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Having said that, Lao Tzu tells us to explore the other side too, ie " Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.”

 

[Raghy]

What is the definition of a successful marriage?

Dear friends, please post your own version/s. I am eager to know.

A successful marriage is an oxymoron. If we think we have a successful marriage or if we think someone else have a successful marriage, it is an illusion.

Cheers!

 

[tbs]

hi folks,
idealism never works with realism.....there are no immmediate
remedy for successful marriage...but i know one thing....there
is a sanskrit sloka...karyeshu mantri, karaneshu datri, rupeshu
lakshmi etc...asta dharma naari kula dharma patni...marriage
should a VIRUMBI SOMANTHA BAARAM ...means oru thedal
eppodum vendum marraige vazhkayil....then may be a successful marriage.....internal and external porutham irunthaal nicchayam
successful....its my 2 cents...

regards
tbs

 

[renuka]

Dear all,

I dont even feel that i am married.
There have been no changes in life after marriage.
Everyone says that after marriage there is more responsibilty but I dont feel so till now.
I am still very much the same person before and after marriage but on terms of freedom I have more after marriage.
Being the only daughter I was always accompanied by my parents everywhere.
After marriage I can even go shopping alone something I had never done when I was single.
I am just being myself and have no pretences.
I dont do things to please anyone and neither do I expect people to please me.
I just do what is needed.
If there is an unpleasent relative from husbands side to visit I wont go.
If my husband does not like a relative of mine he also will not go if invited.
anyway our lifes are just too busy to go anywhere also.
We give each other freedom to display our likes and dislikes.
I guess thats our secret.

renu

 

[pannvalan]

Dear all,

Please do not confuse the two questions 'what an ideal marriage is' and 'what a successful marriage is'.

Again, success in a married life will not be 100%, because some compromises are made by both.

Yet, we see many couple are living happily, with necessary adjustments and good understanding and respect for each other's views and accept the individual differences.

I will dissect more deeply soon.

 

[amala]

May I request all married members to please post their experiences/opinions on successful marriage to guide all youths/unmarried members.

I'm really surprised this thread didn't get the responses it deserves.

 

[pannvalan]

I have attempted to give a brief explanation about a successful marriage.

 

[Raghy]

Sri.Pannvalan Sir,

I read the attachment. It is a good guide to form an 'amicable' married life. Very useful for the younger generation (and for some of the older generation too!). Thanks for putting that together.

With due to respect to your opinions, the guide does not show the product as such. For example, a healthy rice crop can be seen by the amount and weight of the paddy from randomly selected plant; a successful project can be seen by the quality of the end product. But a marriage is an ongoing process until one of the partners buy the one way ticket to vaikundam/kailasam. How do we say a marriage is 'ideal' or 'successful? It is subjctive. The individual partner involved may see things quite differently.

cheers!

 

[amala]

Pannvalanji

Thank you for the piece.

Raghyji,

I agree that considering a marriage as successful is very subjective but if two people involved follow certain guidelines there can be more chance of it being a success.

 

[amala]

Having read the article can I say that I doubt very much in a marriage being "equal" as in 50-50. Realistically its always 60-40 (if you're lucky) 60 being the male and 40 female.

Your point no 3 might be a tad offensive to feminists but since I'm no such thing I have to say I perfectly agree with it .

 

[pannvalan]

Dear Amala,

There is no need to feel offended by Point No. 3. If you read it once again carefully, you will observe and agree:

1. It is universally agreed that women are biologically weaker than men.

2. I wrote only financial problems are to be tackled by the husband himself. I did not
write there shall not be any say for the wife in the management of finances of the
family. Therefore, lack of delegation in financial matters or feeling of insecurity in
women will not arise here.

It is true that by and large, males dominate everywhere - not just in a family unit. But, I have also seen women taking over this kind of dominance in the later part of the life, in so many cases. It requires a careful analysis.

 

[renuka]

Dear Amala,

There is no need to feel offended by Point No. 3. If you read it once again carefully, you will observe and agree:

1. It is universally agreed that women are biologically weaker than men.

2. I wrote only financial problems are to be tackled by the husband himself. I did not
write there shall not be any say for the wife in the management of finances of the
family. Therefore, lack of delegation in financial matters or feeling of insecurity in
women will not arise here.

It is true that by and large, males dominate everywhere - not just in a family unit. But, I have also seen women taking over this kind of dominance in the later part of the life, in so many cases. It requires a careful analysis.

dear sir,

• Males are Physically stronger in terms of strength than females but not necesarily biologicaly stronger.Biologically women have shown higher immunity and resistances to certain diseases.women also being estrogenic dominant beings have a better cardiovascular health in comparison with males.

• regarding finance-- nowadays financial problems are solved by both husband and wife.My husband and I divide all expenses at home 50-50.Its is not that I want to have a say but its because of my love for him I want to share everything so that it will lessen the load on his shoulders.It is not fair that a male alone should bear all financial responsibilities.

• For those women who do not work and are homemakers they can lessen husbands burden by smart planning of monthly expenses and also curb unrequired expenses.

• Marriage is not really an equation but it is a sharing of lifes responsibilities.Its not really one dominating another rather one complementing another.

Arent women supposed to be the Caru Vama of our Husbands Kalevaram? (The beautiful left 1/2 of husbands body)

 

[pannvalan]

Dr Renuka,

Being a doctor, you must be aware that women are more prone to certain diseases than men. But, my argument is not that. I meant both physical and mental strength in general.

Yes, in case of double income families, what you said will apply. But how about so many housewives and rural women who are grossly underpaid, even if they go to work?

You argue from the standpoint of husbands and wives who are both decently employed.

I do not support dominance of either one, but sharing of responsibilities inside and outside home is welcome and healthy.

In a lighter vein, I wish to quote Kushwant Singh what he said, when he was Editor of Illustrated Weekly of India in the late 1970s.

"As long as women cannot rape men, they will remain weaker only".

But, he did not know about the capabilities of women (not all) in seducing men!

 

[renuka]

Dear Pannvalan Ji,

Just to add:

women can use their best to bring out the beast in man.
Thats is so much nicer than rape.Total Ahimsa.

 

[Nara]

Happy marriage

Hello everyone!

I have a long ponytail and my wife is the one who combs it, knots it, and secures it with a rubber band everyday.

Yesterday there was rubber band on the floor. My wife claims it has been on the floor for quite some times and I have not bothered to pick it up. She accused me of such total irresponsibility when it comes to keeping our home tidy.

She then went ahead and challenged me that she is not going to groom my ponytail unless I pick up the rubber band and put it where it belongs. I just laughed at her and issued a reverse challenge that she loves combing my hair so much that she will never give it up.

But I got very sneaky, I picked up the rubber band that was on the floor, but put a different one in its place. Today, when my wife warned me again that I have not picked it up, I told her "na, na, na, I have already picked it up, but the one on the floor now is a different one."

Now she says I am behaving like Kumbakonam and refuses to comb my poor ponytail

I did what she wanted and she still says she is not going to groom me today. This is unfair.

Please, the wise of this forum, give me justice.....

 

[Raghy]

Dear Sri.Nara,

"Now she says I am behaving like Kumbakonam'

Kindly enlighten the forum about the above quote, please. Thank you. As a member of this forum, I like to reassure you that we are concerned about your pony tail as a Kangaroo would be about the raising cost of petrol.

Cheers!

 

[amala]

Hello everyone!

I have a long ponytail

I swear you're a dopelganger of someone I know!

Raghyji,

I think he meant Kumbakarnan and not Kumbakonam

 

[Nara]

I swear you're a dopelganger of someone I know!

Hey, is it another American professor???

 

[pannvalan]

Raghy,

In Tamilnadu, I have not come across the word being used in allegorical sense. But, in Andhra Pradesh, the word has a bad connotation.

Describing someone as 'Kumbakonam' means that fellow is a fraud or cheat. I do not know the origin of this meaning nor its justification, because I hold the city in reverence.

Only due to this implicit notoriety in its name in some parts of its operational area, Kumbakonam City Union Bank changed its name to City Union Bank.

I condemn this usage to damage the reputation of the holy town and its citizens.

 

[Nara]

Let me make one thing clear to everyone, I am from Kumbakonam and I have fond memories of my youthful days spent in that lovely town.

Irony, I suppose, is too subtle and is lost on the righteous!!!!

Cheers!

 

[Raghy]

My wife and I really liked Kumbakonam. We visted very long ago. Nageswarar Koil is a beauty. (I was told, in 3 mornings of every year sun rays shine on the Nageswarer; on the 1st day, on the aavudayar, 2nd day on yoni & on the 3rd day on the lingam. Sri.Nara, kindly confirm, please); Saarangabani temple sanctorem designed like a chariot; very old kumbeswarar temple (I was told, since the lingam is made of clay, during abishekams it gets covered by a leather pouch; but, I had not seen it. Is it true?);nearby to Kumbakonam, 'Valanchuzhi'- really old Sivan temple, Pillayar made from 'Foam'; Oppilappan koil(Oppili became 'Uppili'- no salt in temple prasadams!). Swami Malai is near by. The best meals we ever had was served in Kumbakonam- We were hungry; the hotel had no name (could be a mess); the owner was very polite; he shooed the others away and served; the food was really tasty. (Actually that is the first thing comes to my wife's mind on mentioning 'Kumbakonam'.

Most if not all the members would have visited Kumbakonam atleast once; if not, I strongly recommend a visit to Kumbakonam; stay in Kumbakonam and visit places near by... there are plenty, that I know of (and I know very little).

Cheers!

 

[SuryaKasyapa]

Married life is like co-existing rails in railway track.They may be parallel and at their own place always.But the common objectives of family and children join them like the railway sleepers. For the train to run smooth without derailing, each and every nail,nuts and bolts should be in their place.Ifso keeping one's own inidviduality, the fmily life is smooth.If the train runs smoothly then the railroad is successful.

(In villages it used to be equated to the two bullocks in ploughing.But that may be now antiquated example in today's world of mechanisation.).

"Nallathoru kudumbam Palkalaikazhagam..."


Greeetings

 

[nachi naga]

re

Marriage is like a electrical circuit + - and nuetral .Both are essential to complete successful life.When one partner leaves to the abode of gods,then it runs on battery mode of + - and a nuetral ,just by the good or bad deeds of the deceased and living person.Society also has a greater say,in marriage,imo.

nachi naga.

 

[happyhindu]

interesting discussion.

i found sri pannvalan ji's post sorta chauvanistic... its hard to say if women are "biologically" weaker than men (and worse, compare strength with a psycological aberration called rape).

successful marriage? hmm...i think sri hari can put it very well in a poem bringing out the positives, negatives and the neutrals.

wonder if there is anything called successful or unsuccesful generally in married life really (not taking divorces, etc into account).

successful and unsuccessful are sorta relative terms, and possibly wud apply to each one as they wish to see it.

the love of the partner's presence, friendship, trust, some laughter, some tears, and lots of hope for the future together, i suppose sorta completes a relationship called marriage.