widow 's marriage

[sundachu]

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why is that widows witha child are not considered for remarriage ? Is it not cruel?
sundararajan.

 

[prasad1]

why is that widows witha child are not considered for remarriage ? Is it not cruel?
sundararajan.

Who should consider or not consider?
In the west it is common, whether widow or divorcee (with a child) regularly gets married. It is the society that has to change.

 

[kunjuppu]

why is that widows witha child are not considered for remarriage ? Is it not cruel?
sundararajan.

i echo prasad's sentiments. you are pretty narrow minded to think that you will not marry a widow.

a while ago,there was a war widow here, from kargil war, with a 9 year old daughter. a tambram. i do not know if any of our patriotic boys ever offered to give that lady a second chance.

 

[sangom]

i echo prasad's sentiments. you are pretty narrow minded to think that you will not marry a widow.

a while ago,there was a war widow here, from kargil war, with a 9 year old daughter. a tambram. i do not know if any of our patriotic boys ever offered to give that lady a second chance.

kunjuppu,

much as our men do hesitate to marry a widow and more so if she has a child or more, from her deceased husband, our widows also do not come forward for remarriage generally, and much more so if they have children from the first marriage.

I feel that widow remarriage is advisable if there is no child. But if there is/are child/children from the first marriage, it will be advisable not to go in for a remarriage. This prevents many complications in the bringing up of the children from both the marriages and consequences in the children's mental make-up.

This also holds good for divorced girls and boys, I feel.

 

[kunjuppu]

dear sangom,

the sooner, i think, we get out the mindset, that men cannot be fathers to widows' children, the better it is.

since millenium, we have widower's with children, the day after the wife dies, running around looking for a new mother.

in this day and age, equally looking for a new father is something to be encouraged.

yesterday i was reading a tamil blog (whose url i cannot simply find). this is about one of the mukkulathor communities of thanjavur.

apparently here there is no stigma, against divorce or remarriage. if a brother dies, immediately the younger brother, or cousin step in to take care of the girl.

divorce is termed as 'thaali arukkal', decided by the panchayat, and property equally divided. awesomely simple and straight forward.

ic marriages are frowned on, and even only now, marriage among the 3 mukkulathor is tolerated - ..

girls as a rule now are more educated, and many go to chennai to work in IT - with firm warning, not to fall in love with anyone, and if so, only with their own community

 

[kunjuppu]

அறுத்துகட்டிய ' அகமுடையார்கள்

அறுத்துகட்டிய ' அகமுடையார்கள்

this is a fascinating anthropological posts of a fellow tamil group. we know so little about our own kind, the various tribes and how many of them, are so advanced in their outlook on life... while at the same time, with strong tribal feelings.

just like tambrams about 50 years ago, these too, are now facing massive changes with the onset of technology, and yes, female education.

makes a fascinating reading. i hope you enjoy it too..

 

[prasad1]

dear sangom,

the sooner, i think, we get out the mindset, that men cannot be fathers to widows' children, the better it is.

since millenium, we have widower's with children, the day after the wife dies, running around looking for a new mother.

I agree with this view. I also agree that it might be difficult in India, but the society should evolve to meet the needs of changing community.

 

[valli]

Dear Kunjuppu

அறுத்துகட்டிய ' அகமுடையார்கள்

Thanks for the link. It made a very good read, I enjoyed it very much!

Kind regards

 

[renuka]

First men must get rid of the thought that they are giving a widow a second chance and giving her a life.No one needs sympathy and with this men hold women ransom for the rest of her life.
He makes it sound as if she is indebted to him for marrying her.

When did any men become a life support machine that when its shut..the woman dies?

They make it sound as if they are doing the worlds greatest favour.
That actually insulting to a woman.

If you love someone just marry her..no need to give all sentimental dialogue that I am doing you a favour by giving you a life etc.

After all when a widower remarries everyone tells the bride to be a wife and a mother to his child.
No one tells the widower that he is getting a second chance in life to be happy and some girl has given him a life.

Mind set has to change..I dont think any woman wants a favour.
Marriage is NOT a favour.

 

[suraju06]

Sangom in post #4:

I feel that widow remarriage is advisable if there is no child. But if there is/are child/children from the first marriage, it will be advisable not to go in for a remarriage. This prevents many complications in the bringing up of the children from both [FONT=inherit !important][FONT=inherit !important]the [/FONT][FONT=inherit !important]marriages[/FONT][/FONT] and consequences in the children's mental make-up.
This also holds good for divorced girls and boys, I feel.

I think the only thing that matters in widow remarriage is the age of the widow. If the girl is young she should remarry even if she has children from her first wedlock. Otherwise when the harmones kick, the girl will have to live through nightmares or else look for a paramour with guilt in mind. It is better to live the life fully with no guilty feeling. Other problems can be sorted out with understanding and maturity.

And Kunjuppu,

In the link you gave, the line that I liked most is this:

என் வேர்களின் ஆழம்தான் என் கிளைகளின் வீச்சும்.

How true!!

 

[Yamaka]

My two cents on this very complicated matter.

1. It's true that the liberal Western Society has found Solutions to Widows and Widows with or w/o Children.

2. But, our Ancient Indian Mind Set is quite conservative... hard to bring liberal progressive thinking there! If you mention this, the Conservative people will wage a WAR on liberals and progressives.... . Because we need to conserve whatever our FOREFATHERS said and did! Lol.

3. Of course, marriage is NOT a favor to anybody... but recall what the Ancient Indian Mind Set says, "Marriages are made in Heaven... not by Individuals". Lol.

I fully favor Widow remarriage with or w/o Children...as long as there is Chemistry and Understanding between the partners, period.

Cheers.

 

[kunjuppu]

i dont know if age is any factor to finding a mate.

it is the norm of a human, to be with someone. to be alone, is tantamount to declaring a self sufficiency within the self body.

the society i live in, is a wee bit more honest in its admission, of the need of a human to have a mate. going to bed alone, is probably, in my view, among the most miserable of daily routines.

recently we witnessed, with community support, the marriage of a tambram widow widower here, both good friends, but even that took a long period of gestation, due to so many inhibitions, i imagine.

age is no barrier or restriction to needing a companion, i think. in the mid to latter part of 20th century, i have heard of group tours, of american widowed elderly women, landing en masse in england, just for the purpose of finding a husband. dont know if this still happens, for during those times, america prospered, while europe was till recovering from 2nd world war.

i think, what is needed, is to remove the web from men's eyes - a woman who has been married before, had children, or lovers, is just as good, as a presumed 'virign', or just like any other man. a chasm in our attitudes that needs to be bridged.

maybe the trend is already there...

 

[renuka]

Hey Kunjs,

Have you realized that most tamil movies that show widow remarriage invariably show a virgin widow(her husband dies on the 1st day of marriage itself before the 1st night)

Its an obsession with virginity I guess.

I was reading an article in the paper here yesterday where this old blind Non Indian lady has been married three times.
Her 1st husband left her when she lost her sight at the age of 27.

Then she remarried another blind person who died after a few years in an accident and then she married for the 3rd time to a sighted person and living very happily with him.

Even though she is blind she does all work herself without any help and can even climb up coconut trees at the age of 60 and go shopping to the market herself.

I was thinking wow great..she knows the value of life and made an attempt to find husbands.
I was just hoping some of our sighted Indian woman will try to be more like her.

When you suggest remarriage to any Indian woman here the 1st thing they shoot back is "what do you think of me? I dont need sex and a man.I come from a good family etc"
I dont know why people want to maintain so call good name of family when society gives two F's for anyone.

 

[Brahmanyan]

Dear Sri Kunjuppu,

I agree with your views on this subject and wish to add that the choice of widow remarriage should be left to the individual, her circumstances and compulsions. Loosening up of family hold, and economic independence have liberated women to think more diligently about her future in this regard.

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[prasad1]

Dear Sri Kunjuppu,

I agree with your views on this subject and wish to add that the choice of widow remarriage should be left to the individual, her circumstances and compulsions. Loosening up of family hold, and economic independence have liberated women to think more diligently about her future in this regard.

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

Very sensible suggestion, but society close to the widow has to support her decision, and others should not interfere with her free choice.

 

[prasad1]

Hey Kunjs,

Have you realized that most tamil movies that show widow remarriage invariably show a virgin widow(her husband dies on the 1st day of marriage itself before the 1st night)

Its an obsession with virginity I guess.

I was reading an article in the paper here yesterday where this old blind Non Indian lady has been married three times.
Her 1st husband left her when she lost her sight at the age of 27.

Then she remarried another blind person who died after a few years in an accident and then she married for the 3rd time to a sighted person and living very happily with him.

Even though she is blind she does all work herself without any help and can even climb up coconut trees at the age of 60 and go shopping to the market herself.

I was thinking wow great..she knows the value of life and made an attempt to find husbands.
I was just hoping some of our sighted Indian woman will try to be more like her.

When you suggest remarriage to any Indian woman here the 1st thing they shoot back is "what do you think of me? I dont need sex and a man.I come from a good family etc"
I dont know why people want to maintain so call good name of family when society gives two F's for anyone.

In this age of live-in couple before marriage, what is VIRGINITY?
Even in India the norm are changing, it is quite common in North India, may be it takes 10 years to come to South India. I am talking about Metro India, and not in villages (i do not know).

 

[kunjuppu]

renu,

two tambram widows i know, in their 50s, to whom i am close to, have been refraining from remarriage, only because, they enjoy the feeling of being in control of their own destinies.

both had bad marriages, and even after 15+ years of widowhood for both, bad memories linger, and there is no inclination to risk into a venture, where they might have to consult/assent from a man, with all his idiosyncracies, and further more, the thought of the daunting task of the expectation of a nurse/cook/housekeeper in the years to come, appears to scare them.

though, they would not mind having a companion, each with his her own place to live, go out together for ceremonies functions holidays. but no commitments. not surprisingly, such men are hard to come by, in both, chennai and north america.

 

[S.V.MOHAN]

Dear Yamaka,
I fully endorse the view. The age is not a constraint. Now a days it is very difficult to live the widows lonely, if they wish they may remarry irrespective of having children or not and in any age.