The pain

[akura]

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At home the old man gets sad . His son scolded him and in a small way he was ill treated and neglected . His heart just bleeds . The pain of bringing up his son in those days , educating him , draining out all his resources -- all these things just runs as a flash for a moment .
Somehow his son feels for his neglect, later he pleads for pardon . Anyhow the old man's mind not compromising . He is still with agony , silently crying . The young one never leaves him and goes on pestering on the point and pleads . What the old man should do ?

....

 

[kunjuppu]

akura,

a good question. which fits in nicely, with my personal belief.

the son did not ask to be brought into this world. an action by a couple ie a male & female, caused certain reactions, which ultimately resulted in the birth of the son.

personally, i believe, as a parent, i owe everything to my children.

including teaching them their survival skils, values and above all a sense of entitlement to dignity.

in return, i, as a parent should expect nothing.

for by this gesture, i pay homage to my passions and in my own terms, as a karma yogi, perform duties, without recourse to expectations and rewards.

the reward of being a parent comes out in the day to day pleasures of bringing up the child - the smiles that we get, the tears that we wipe, the hugs that give and above all the sense of security that only a parent can give through unstinching love and affection.

every scold, beating, curse.. are but warts on the parents in their exercise of that noble vocation called parenthood. no amount of excuses will justify the inherent human failings, that we as parents, exercise over our progeny, particularly our male firstborns... all reflections of our own inadequacy translated into wishlist over the young 'un.

akura, the old man, should send the son away and seek his own peace. not at the son's expense. the old man should tell the son, the faults are his and not the son's.

 

[drsundaram]

But to get that kind of wisdom to let go his son and take ownership onto himself of everything is not one to acquire a kind of special training or practise. Can you suggest us on how to go about it also.
Kind Regards

 

[suvarchas]

I feel pardoning the son would be a good gesture from the old man showing his magnanimity and also the value of pardoning.Afterall the relationship is such that it cannot break on flimsy grounds.My personal feeling are most of the parents do not know what good parenting is.They feel lavishing the children with love and spending lavishly on them is alone parenting.Most of us do not inculcate values in them and also we do not set to be a role model for them.Thats the real problem.Exposing children to right knowledge and make them cultivate good habits and practices is what is needed

 

[sapthajihva]

akura, the old man should do what he should do... The neglect of the son and its effect on his mind cannot be evaluated by other minds. Only that mind which is ever absorbing can afford to pardon truly. Otherwise, the pangs will remain within forever smoldering - either to consume the individual or to burst at a later time.

Give the old man confidence, so that the belief that a pardon could be feasible comes to him naturally. Actions and time are the best catalysts to this.

On another note:

By shri kunjuppu:
the son did not ask to be brought into this world. an action by a couple ie a male & female, caused certain reactions, which ultimately resulted in the birth of the son.

personally, i believe, as a parent, i owe everything to my children.

I believe that the idea of the child being born without its prior consent is a bit unconnected with reality.

To reproduce is a natural/instinctive part of all beings; just so humans have the ability to restrict an offspring does not mean that it should always be so. Hence, the logic that since a child did not ask to be born, there exists no liability on his/her part, is delusional.

There exists duty/dharma, both on the part of the parent and the child towards each other. Nailing it squarely on the part of the parent is just flying the coop.

P.S. Please note that holding expectations is entirely different from doing one's duties/dharma, and in order to be a karma yogi, one should abide by dharma!

 

[akura]

Releived

Respected Kunjuppu and other members I thank you all for your valuable reaction.

The old man's family is closely associated with me . By the time my suggestions could reach them , they have settled their things . The old man's reaction was that he later pardoned his son.
The explanation he gave to me was this........
The moment he was humiliated by his son , the old man felt the pain and was depressed .
His attitude immediately was scolding himself for the situation and next the thought of the creator came to his mind and pleaded to him why he has given him this state of affair.
His prayers had the answer in the form of his son realizing the folly and pleading guilty,requesting his father to pardon him. Then the old man thought for a second to get out and leave the son . But if he goes out will he find peace ? what is the guarantee that he will not be insulted by some one else . By going out he may be carrying this pain for a long , whereas if he forgives and lives with his son, he may have better feeling than carrying over the thing . So he choose to forgive his son . After all he is his son.
The pain and agony is human . But forgiving is divine . His experience and maturity made him to take this decision .

Respecting the elders is our culture and tradition . Elders do recognize that the younger generation is always intelligent than the older one . The younger generation should feel that the physical /material comforts alone are not sufficient , even if the elders were wrong they must respect the elders and should not make them feel that they are neglected .

Regards

 

[RVR]

Thanks Akura ji,

It is a wonderful case study for others also.

Keep it up

All the best

 

[N.R.Ranganathan]

Pain

See my friends, how time heals the wounds ! A little bit of
patience is all that is needed. Where there is a problem,
the solution is there itself.

 

[DURGADASAN]

I wish to go with Suvarchas ji. It wont be nice when the son is pleading for an excuse and the oldones are simply rejecting. I think it never happens too.

"Petha manam pithu; pillai manam kallu"

Dont consider this just as a proverb. Every parent (Including karmayogis) are like that only. Their heart will melt like ice on seeing their progeny in that state itself. I dont know whether they will forget it or not. But, they will be moved surely by that time atleast. Because, neglection by progenies are not new for them. Always, there will be many quarrels and bit-bit fights thrills between parents and progenies is quite common. At the sametime, when they started knowing what they did is wrong, am sure parents are the first persons in the world who will come down and calm down...

Pranams..

Note: I really dont know much about a parent's mentality. Am a bachelor. But as a child to my parents, I can say things might be like this...

 

[K.Sankara raman]

As parents we should not exploit our children. Then most of the problems will be over.

 

[vijisesh]

Shri Durgadasan ji,

The situation today of the proverb , "Petha manam pithu; pillai manam kallu" could be

"Petha van panam ellu ; pillai kudikaran kallu" ---- pothuma intha lollu !

It can be better said " What you sow , so shall you reap "
1) I should anticipate my child to trouble me twice or thrice more in amplitude and frequency than the trouble i had caused to my dad , when i was a kid !-- As soon as we grow up , we become saints ! We need to look back into our history and analyse how my dad would have felt and handled the same situation , that i am in today ? Did i cause trouble knowingly or unknowingly and most of the time , it would be unknowingly as our parents are always dearer to us !

who is responsible ? -- Then the 90 -10 principle works here also -- 10 % of whatever happens in my life is due to fate ( not under my control ), the rest 90 % was always under my control ,it depends on the way i react to things / developments / changes ! - i have the gift of GOD to maneuver my life the way i want ! So being negative and playing the blame game for a fault of mine is like chickening out of the situation !

2) Ok , considering the other extreme -- if , i had been an obedient , down to earth personality during my childhood days listening word to word to my parents and not disappointing them in any way , then i am sorry for such people , because they have not done anything independently in life. they depend so much on someone to help them take their decisions -- they are still children and so when their mindset is that of a child , every small action done by their children hurts !

A lot of time , it has been repeated in this forum -- As parents , we are just facilitators for our children , GOD owns them , all we need to do is to guide them in the right way ( assuming that whatever we practice is the right way !) and expect returns of our seva only from the almighty GOD !

 

[DURGADASAN]

Thats what vijisesh ji

I dont know about parents mentality sir... Anyhow, I did a lot and lot of mischeives in my childhood days. So, certainly am not in the second category...hahaha

Pranams.

 

[iyerponnu]

As parents we should not exploit our children. Then most of the problems will be over.

I will accept this statement, though the word 'exploit' can have numerous connations. The converse is also true..children should not exploit their parents too.. Sadly, when we look around we can see both scenarios happening. This cannot be stopped until interference from either side stops.. parents should not interfere in the petty things of their children's lives and so should children refrain from interfering in their parents' lives..Children of today should not forget that they will be parents one day and could end up facing the same situation!!

 

[DURGADASAN]

Yes. Really the children should think off the things the parents provided to them and also should remember that they have the responsibility of taking care of parents... There is no exploitation in a familial situation I think. After all, man is a social animal. Noone is independent here. Just for this sake, we cannot say that we are exploiting others...:roll:

Pranams