In these days of girls only families being the norm (2 children or 1 child – girls), my experience, is that tambram parents treat their daughters like de facto sons. Which is long overdue, but even for the wrong reason the right thing is being done.
I have attended a spate of neice’s marriages in Chennai recently. It must be the effect of the imbalance of numbers. I found the girls’ families (to which I belonged) treated the boys’ side with civility, but none of the overwhelming ubasaarams of old.
all these were iyer marriages both sides, but neither the boys appeared to expect the overwhelming hospitality (they would not have got it anyway) and neither were the girls' side extra eager to dish it out. when lunch or dinner was announced, it was everyone to the pandhi without pandering to the groom's side especially those troublesome uncles or aunts
50 years ago, my aunt’s marriage was almost stopped midway because the bridegroom’s maternal uncle felt insulted that there muslims & Christians in the first pandhi (grandfather was a lawyer and accommodated his clients in the first pandhi). Today if such things happen, I can imagine it being laughed off and those relatives ignored.
Still the onus of the wedding falls on the girl’ families. Do they not start collecting jewellery, pathrams etc right from a young age? The actual purchases for the function, is it not just saris?
I have attended weddings where the parents shared 50/50 of the wedding expenses. But the cost of the jewellery and household articles were borne by the girls’ side alone. So I think we still have ways to go.
Also, I think it is much better to have elderly parents, if they are unable to tend to themselves, live with their daughters. The mother daughter bond is the strongest bond in the world. So it is said. The arrangements are much smoother for day to day live than between a dil/mil.
The dil/mil is a naturally set up relationship for antagonism, and I still do not understand why the boys’ parents go after this, when it is their daughters that they should be focussing.
Personally I have found where the girls’ parents live with their daughter, things go smoother than with that of boys’ parents. In the latter case, the girl always has to compromise. It is never the in laws, whose needs increase as they grow older.
Just fyi: atleast tambram folks in Canada, are now accepting the concept of evenly dividing all wedding expenses. One of our friends married a rajput girl, who are not all that well off. the expenses was divided 3 ways – bridegroom, groom’s parents, bride’s parents. To me this is more an acknowledgement of equality, that quoting all the scriptures and Vedas and explaining the original purpose mahalakshmi or mahavishnu.
I will wash not only the groom’s feet, but give him a full oil bath if needed, if only he or his parents would pay their fair share of all wedding related expenses including jewellery. Any takers here?
there are so many boys having difficulties in finding spouses. all of them claim 'no expectations' whatever that means! why don't they go two steps further and offer to foot the entire wedding bill. i have no sympathy those that wish to have the cake and eat it too.
