Old Age Homes

[RAAJESHRAGHAVAN]

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Dear Sri Rajesh Raghavan Ji,

I moved this thread from the 'Introductions' topic to this one where it belongs, as you have started a discussion on 'Old age homes'.

Regards,
KRS

Let me introduce myself,​

Me, a person of brahmin community from Trivandrum​

Let me share my thoughts as a simple follower of the tamil brahmin community.​

Now a days we see that even the Brahmin sabhas are in the process of running Old age homes. What are they going to achieve by running such Homes.? They say that in the community there are a lot of elderly persons who have no one to look after. This may be true. As far as such persons are concerns it is ok. But the number of such persons are very low. The very concept of Old age homes is in itself an invitation for those who are feeling burdened by their elderly parents and grand parents.​

Lord Krishna in Bhagvat Gita says​

Karmanye vaadi karaste maa phaleshu kadachana​

Do your duty and not think about the results​

The Brahmin organisations must tell the masses that it is the duty of every individual is to look after their elderly. Of course there are constraints. Just think if we can look after our children by spending time and money why not look after our elders. They are not going to live 100 years or so. Atmost they will live happier say up to a maximum 80 years or so. They will praise us and pray to the lord for our well being . The Brahmin organisations must come forward to educate our community members about the importance of having grand parents.​

One must remember to age is an universal process. Every one will be come become aged.​

In the Ramayana we know the story of Sravan kumar who use to carry his blind parents on his shoulders. But modern sravan kumars are carrying their parents to the Old age homes. This is a painful thing.​

I feel angry and sorry for such homes being opened by our organisations with wide publicity.​

Stop such homes and think positively about running Mantra classes, Classes on daily rituals and its importance.​

Don't think that our parents and grand parents are a burden to us but believe that they are a boon to us. Elder people and Children have similar behaviours. So once we treat them as children and start to give them the deserving importance they will also help us in many ways.​

These are all just a reproduction of my innerself.​

Rajesh R​

 

[sapr333]

First of all, thanks to Moderator for shifting this topic to the relevant forum.. I was about to appeal..



Shri.Rajesh, you have shared a wonderful thought in your very first post in this forum.. I enjoyed it.. But then there are few pros-cons..

Its perfectly right in asking people to take care of their parents, but then its not right in asking to close the old age homes.

If one gets a wife who was trained to hate in-laws, I think, old age home is a better place for them to live in peace, than getting banged and tortured by a new comer bride.

In a situation where boys move out to different countries, Old age homes come handy.. One should feel happy,atleast they are taken care of,by someother way, than letting them to get rotten, by helping themselves with the paltry money-order gifts.

Just because we take care of aged parents, doesnt mean we get the exclusive blessings of them.. After all they are our own father and mother,nd,a even if we spit on their face, out of parental love, they would definitely shower their blessings..

Having said that, yes, taking care of old parents has some good impact on their grand children (a reward waits)..

My dad (actually my mom!!) took care of my grand pa, and bed ridden great granny, where as dad's brothers comfortably dumbed them on to my dad..Grandpa, after retirement, and being bored to sit idle, took us to the fields and taught us every hardships of life..He taught us spirituality,ball-badminton,Chess,Readers digest reading habit, post office savings habit etc etc, which my father couldnt/wouldnt have done to me.Great granny served us with different food cuisines, stories,village jokes etc etc.....Grandpa taught us vocabulary, made us to read "The Hindu' at a very young age,and corrected phonetics(Mom n Dad couldnt have)... etc etc..

Words cant say about that 'advantage' which we siblings got and the knowledge we acquired from grandparents.. Interestingly,when we brothers&cousins meet and talk nostalgic, my cousins admit, they missed a greater part in their life,and feel being handicapped to join in that nostalgic chitchats..

Comparatively, between cousins, we succeeded in all strata.. Relatives give all credit to mom for taking care of a bed ridden great granny and sugar patient grandpa with love, inspite of her 9-5 job..My dad also said the same,he developed so much love for mom, for she took care of his parents as her own parents..

Having said that, in real world, every one may not get such a luck.. Touchwood, my parents are not in that situation, for wanting someone to take care of them (at this moment). Im not sure, if my own wife would take care of my mom, like how my mom took care of her in-laws.. But then, God has a plan to reward..Thankfully, we are gifted with my younger brother's wife.. who is just a daughter for every one..

Conclusion:- Honour thy father and mother, and take care of them till last..That doesnt mean, close the 'Old Age Homes'.

 

[KRS]

Dear Sri Rajesh Raghavan Ji,

While I agree with your view that there are some folks who look at their parents as 'burdens', I disageree with the import of your message.

With the modern life being what it is, let me add the following points as counter argument to your sentiment against making the 'old age homes':

1. For the most part, I do not think that the modern educated parents want to live with their sons/daughters nowadya - at least the population amongst us who want to do so is decreasing. I want to live independently as long as possible and I would think that this has become the product of modern culture where money is made and thus allowing such freedom of 'nuclear' living.

2. The old age homes afford the necessary social interactions/activities to the older persons amongst their peers and thus the quality of life is usually better than if they live with their children.

3. They usually provide on site medical/emergency services which you may not get if you live with the children.

4. The joy of being a grand parent is to be not confused with the joy/work of a parent. In lots of homes with grand children, I have seen the seniors being pressed in to service to cater to the physical needs of the grand children in the name of love.

5. Just because we allow our parents to live in old age homes, that does not mean that somehow it diminishes one's love/duty towards one's parents. Our way of living has changed - so the way we support our dharma has also changed.

6. Having said all this, there is one caveat. If the parents do not want to live inan old age home, they should not be forced to live there. This is where this decision should be left to the seniors.

Regards,
KRS

 

[kunjuppu]

krs,

i have been thinking of a response the whole day, to sum up so many reasons for the existence of old age homes.

congrats sir, as i could not have said it any better.

many young folks, bring over their parents to canada, just for the purpose of baby sitting. plus the mothers soon revert to the role of cook, housekeeper and cleaner.

the parents have done their bit to bring up their children and perhaps they now are unable or unwilling to put in the complete effort in raising of grand kids.

the best relationships, i find, are grand parents who live nearby. thus they are an occassional help to baby sit. at the same time, due to the short duration, the grand children do not become a burden.

living nearby, also assuages the conscience of the children, should they feel that they are abandoning their parents.

rajesh, i do not know your age. i would very much discount your emotional angst about 'duty and guilt' in the context of realities of the modern and fast changing world.

today's communications are top notch - with internet, skype, phone, planes etc. distances are minimized to instant communication.

also, this resolves the age old quarrels between daughter and mother in law.

i am on the verge of retirement. i would like nothing better than to live in my own house till health permits.

then, i would rather move to a retirement home, with all amenities, rather than depending on my children to take care of me.

rajesh, i would look upon old age homes, as a blessing, and a viable avenue for the aging parents to re-create their life and fiind new interests among their peers. also, it takes the drudgery of daily housekeeping, cooking and cleaning.

thank you.

 

[pbkhema]

One of the main reasons for oldage homes is the fact that most of the children are away from India and elgerly persons find it difficult to manage paying bills taxes geting drinking water from the supplier etc.
Another factor that prompts elderly persons for old age homes is that even if their children are in India their out look is different and the quality of TOLERANCE ADJUSTMENTS HAVE COME DOWN

 

[happyhindu]

read the posts by sri krs ji and sri kunjuppu ji a few times. and tried to figure out various situations have known.

these days i notice the number of parents who do not want to stay with their children is on the raise. i know of parents who asked to be moved to classy old age homes, the ones that function like serviced apartments, that takes them on various travel destinations, and brings a doctor by their bedside at the press of a button.

for a strange reason i see that children somehow feel guilty when parents prefer an old age home over them, though they know the parents will enjoy it a lot more than stay with them. quite a strange situation to be in.
------

kunjuppuji, i notice you are a moderator now. hearty congrats sir :cheer2:

 

[PSV_RAMANAN47]

Old age homes

With due respect to all boarders, I may state the following.

By the very name Old Age Homes, people visualise old, dilapidated shelters with paints peeling off, places which are run by Government aid or donations etc.

Nowadays a new concept "Retirement Homes" or "Senior Citizens Homes" has caught up where people over 50 years are allotted rooms/cottages. There is common kitchen with ultra modern facilities like telephone, TV, internet, AC etc. in the rooms. They charge accordingly. Some Homes charge refundable deposit while some Homes charge non refundable amount.

In the modern day nucleus families where the number of children are generally two or even one, and if the son goes abroad in connection with job etc. the parents find their lives a bit slow moving. If such parents prefer to stay in such homes, it does not mean that their children are not taking care of them. To cater to such people or for senior citizens who would like to spend their silver innings in luxury, these homes are a good option.

In a nutshell, the so called old age homes and the modern Retirement Homes have come to stay and they will keep on developing.

 

[[email protected]]

To All: Old Age Homes or Paid Modern Retirement Home it may suit for those living in US or UK, but think about somy very poor old people left at Oldage Homes by their son's and daughterinlaws,just they are thinging the old age father mother are Burden for Money, Psysical help etc,So we must tell our TB'S to lookafter their parents,so in future his children will follow them with great love and affaction. s.r.k.

 

[kunjuppu]

folks,

i tend to look at the positive aspect of the old age homes - ie for a price, older people get comfort, ease of living and more important, opportunity for company and friendship.

i suspect, that the reluctance from the younger generation, maybe that they will be thought of as uncaring or callous towards their parents. if this is a issue, the parents, can step in and clarify the situation.

on the other hand, if the children were looking for free board and baby sitting at their parents' house, and including this calculation in their intended lifestyle, ofcourse they will be peeved.

what we have not heard is... experiences from folks who have had first hand dealings in old age homes ie from the children or the parents. any takers out there?

also, a key factor is health. the older one gets and more dependent, the old age homes has be of better quality to service increasing needs.

when i was young, we used to hire special ayahs to help out chronic care needs and able to supervise. this situation may be one that causes the most angst.

retirement homes - may be good for some. if it is not for you, seek out alternatives, i would say.

thank you.

 

[happyhindu]

i see ppl preferring old age homes for the following reasons:

1) Most of us have seen our parents taking care of our grandparents, some may have struggled quite a bit in that area. Parents in the present times, may not wish to depend on anyone, esp wrt taking care of physical needs.

2) Its natural for anyone to want to like to live a dignified life not wanting to depend on anyone. After working hard all their life and doing their best for their children, i think parents certianly deserve a better deal in life than having to depend on children (who may be either be undependable or struggling to cope with things like recession, employment, etc themselves).

3) Some parents may not have got along with their children all their lives (communication problem). Have seen atleast 2 cases where sons grumble about their fathers in traditional business set-ups (a father past 75 with somewhat bad health remains unwilling to pass on the reins of the firm to the son, or keeps all profits to himself and hands out a paltry amount to the son, or has never given the son any freedom to do things as he pleases). In such cases, the resentful sons are unwilling to take care of the father (and sometimes the mother too). i wud think that over time the parents wud either have to seek an old age home or seek home care provided by employed staff (not children).

4) Wise parents usually divide assets into 2 parts (one part for themselves and one part for the children), instead of handing everything over to the children. They are tehrefore able to provide for themselves. Have yet to meet parents these days who are not capable of taking care of themselves wrt financial needs, all of them seem to have planned or invested well.

5) One may not be able to bring a doctor to a sick parent within 10 min, but an old age home provides round the clock medical services, emergency services, post operative care, nursing care, etc.

6) One may not be able to take parents to various piligrimage places. With an old age home, organizing such things are taken care of and elders also enjoy travelling with friends.

i find my mother also toying with the idea of an oldage home after she found out that one of her friends is living a peaceful life in one such place, it makes me feel terribly guilty, my spouse and i decided we will take care of both sides of our parents and planned to return to our hometown after a few years, but i find parents can be getting debilitated with age now itself, when parents say we can take care of ourselves it somehow can make the child feel useless (its as though they don't need us at all).

 

[tbs]

folks,

i tend to look at the positive aspect of the old age homes - ie for a price, older people get comfort, ease of living and more important, opportunity for company and friendship.

i suspect, that the reluctance from the younger generation, maybe that they will be thought of as uncaring or callous towards their parents. if this is a issue, the parents, can step in and clarify the situation.

on the other hand, if the children were looking for free board and baby sitting at their parents' house, and including this calculation in their intended lifestyle, ofcourse they will be peeved.

what we have not heard is... experiences from folks who have had first hand dealings in old age homes ie from the children or the parents. any takers out there?

also, a key factor is health. the older one gets and more dependent, the old age homes has be of better quality to service increasing needs.

when i was young, we used to hire special ayahs to help out chronic care needs and able to supervise. this situation may be one that causes the most angst.

retirement homes - may be good for some. if it is not for you, seek out alternatives, i would say.

thank you.

hi kunjuppu ji,
i was thinking about this topic for a long time.....becoz i have
some personal experience....my own uncle is in old age home
now...he is unmarried...not much intersted in family life..
he is old/ kinda alone now...he gets nice medical treatment too..
my mother used to visit him..sometimes he visits my mother too.
infact he is very happy/comfort in old age home(Senior citizen home)...im in USA now...but my mother lives in chennai in our
home....she likes to take care of my uncle...due to medical/
other complications....he likes to stay in old age home...
its main reasons are social/economical/non adjustment
of age old joint family system/more freedom/independent/
other circumstances.........even my collegue in army..
retired now...running a blind school/vriddhashram (OLD
AGE HOME) in thirupathi.........he can tell many life stories
of NRI parents....sometimes i feel myself finding
solutions/remedies for this system....but im not able to
understand the reality.......here IDEALISM NEVER WORKS
WITH REALISM...

regards
tbs

 

[RAAJESHRAGHAVAN]

Sir,

If one's offspring is not in a position to look after them, then how come you believe that some one else will look after them. It is not that whether the parents are living in a nice and wonderful atmosphere. It is that just ask them whether they are happy. I just dont know any inmate of an Old age home in India will come up and say that he is more happy in the Old age home than he was in his own home. Whereever he/she may be whether it be in USA or India, they may feel lonely in such homes.

Of course such homes are good to some one does not have any children / any one to look after. The homes work on the concept of collecting money. No body cares whether they are being looked after or not. I am not against all such homes. But it is really springing up like a contagious disease. Very surprisingly I have seen no response from those running Old age homes and those who are inmates of Old age Homes.

Thank you

Raajesh

 

[happyhindu]

Dear Rajesh,

Generally if an old age home is well managed and a reputable place, then it is expected that its residents are taken good care of. I agree with you partly on the loneliness part. The loneliness part is not felt when a person is moving around, going on piligrimage trips, etc. A deep rooted form of loneleiness and the natural desire to be near the dear ones seems to happen at an advanced bed ridden stage. I too wish someone who lives in an old age home wud post his / her views here.

Regards.

 

[RVR]

Life expectancy is going up. Children who were born around year 2000 are expected to have life expectancy of 130 years due to improved medication. On the one hand there is premature retirement. On the other hand, life expectancy is going up. Imagine a person living upto 130 years. His children will be around 100 years. Grandchildren will be around 70 years. Great grand children will be around 40 years. How do you expect a 40 years person to look after three elderly generation people.

I think old age homes are the only resort for such a life expectancy. Even now the average life expectancy in India is around 70 years. But well disciplined and medicated persons in our families are living upto 85 or 90. It means the next generation is already retired or on the verge of retirement. It will be very difficult to adjust with younger generation.

It is going to be a major problem in the future when life expectancy goes up. I request members views on this matter

 

[kunjuppu]

venkat,

a very interesting aspect of old age homes, that i never thought of, ie several generations occupying them.

let us suppose that we start occupation around mid 60s assuming decent health, and continuing till 130.. that is more than half our life in a home.

not sure how the math of all this is going to work out, but it sure will be something novel. we will have to improvise in many ways.

many of us may be working till 75 or even 80, if not full time, atleast enough to keep ourselves busy, but also for living expenses.

the older we get, we will need more medical and physical care.

maybe compared to 100 years ago.. would the following the new equivalents?

100 years ago: 21st century:

90 130
80 110
70 95
60 80

.. or something like that.

in fact, i remember reading in newspapers some items, referring to two or three generations living together in old age homes, here in canada.

thank you

ps.. i do not know whether this increase in age will result in corresponding increase in the number of sages.

 

[ksugavanam]

I have visited few Old age homes around coimbatore with some of my friends for giving free pranic healing ( a drugless /touchless theraphy). In those visits we used to conduct a survey with the occupants about their family, the reason they are living in old age home etc. From our survey we found that a majority of the occupants are (dumped) and not admitted there by their sons since they think elders are a burden on him and his wife. Many of the aged living there do not get even the promised amount from their sons after 3 or 4 months. Compared to 2 years back, at present the people approaching the old age homes voluntarily is slowly increasing but still the dumping of parents ( if single) for the sake of their hassle free life is about 85% Anyhow, it is a boon for some people and a curse for many people.

 

[kunjuppu]

suga,

thank you for the first on hand input about old age homes.

to clarify, in the west, there are several categories of old age home

- retirement homes or communities: these are buildings or compounds with houses/faclitites which elderly folks voluntarily seek out as they find it difficult, maintaining a household. they are more a happy place with organized activities. no medical care.

- assisted care facilities: these are old age homes, where you have a room with bathroom. food is available in the mess hall or can be brought to you if you are unable to move around. nursing care available inhouse

- long term care: these are for the senile and critical illness: where in addition to all the above, there are resident nurses and doctors on call. not a happy place.

i suspect, when we discuss here, we mean the first type ie retirement homes.

i can understand that for many parents in our community, the concept of living in a retirement home, is a let down, from their erstwhile expectations. it is a state of the mind, and probably a sense of gauravam.

after all, would not all of us like to boast that no matter how high our son has risen in the world, the first thing he does in the morning and touches our feet? or something along those lines?

son. that is a touchy topic. we educate our sons and nourish them, only to see them very often, influenced by their spouses. the daughter in law's attitude towards her husband's family is shaped by many factors, most of which the son's parents have no control. even the most loving and generous parents have sons, may end up with bitchy daughters in law, with no fault of theirs.

a better way, i think, to look at alternatives for old age, is to shed the gauravam, and consider living with the daughter. the mother daughter bond, it has been said, is the strongest bond between any two human beings.

even when they fight, there is absence of sting or venom implied in the quarrel. much unlike the mil dil tiffs. i know of a few instances, the parents live with their daughters and apparently very happy.

the sons in law, are usually, neutral about this. a little bit of financial contribution goes a long way to make ends meet. and the old folks do not have to deal with the petty insults which any smart young woman of today, can inflict on the aged, particularly if he or she is widowed.

whatever may be the reasons, i think, old age homes, of all varieties have come to be part of our social landscape. i think if we as aging folks, like myself, take a pro active approach and find a home suitable in spirit and quality to my liking, i could make a go of it.

thank you.

 

[RVR]

Everybody has to plan for their retirement with sufficient funds or solid property. If you have money, your daughter in law will not throw you out. If you don't have money, then you are considered as a burden. I have seen this in many families.

Unfortunately the world has become more materialisitic.

If both your son and daughter are going for employment, then probably you are required to look after the children. Once children grow then you are not required.

Retirement planning is very important to all us

 

[kunjuppu]

Everybody has to plan for their retirement with sufficient funds or solid property. If you have money, your daughter in law will not throw you out. If you don't have money, then you are considered as a burden. I have seen this in many families.

Unfortunately the world has become more materialisitic.

If both your son and daughter are going for employment, then probably you are required to look after the children. Once children grow then you are not required.

Retirement planning is very important to all us

right on venkat.

what i have found in previous generations, is that the parents spend everything that they have saved on the daughters' weddings.

most of them had pittance or no pension. so they were forced to live at the mercy of the dil, the son most often being a silent spectator.

even nowadays, i feel very queasy, when i hear of girls' parents talking of expenses for weddings. personally, with the inverse sex ratio, the boys should atleast pitch in 50/50, if not pay for the whole wedding.

our generation should definitely look upon retirement as another chapter, which can last pretty long.

we should plan for it and ensure that we have funds. money talks. more money talks more. it is the fact of life since the dawn of times.

so, dear venkat, i am not sure, if we are any more materialistic than our ancestors. it is just that we do not know.

the beauty of living on our own, makes us enjoy grandchildren, during their best moments. and after a few hours, pass them back to the parents.

we have done our duty. no need to take another full time child rearing. also, this is potentially another explosive issue with dil - feeding, giving values or winning affection. the dil mothers can be pretty nasty and selfish when it comes to sharing of love of their children.

i think, i may be a bit gloomy. but most others reminsce of days, which may be imagined, of a happy joint family, under the benign patriarchy or matriarchy. those fluff exists only in indian movies.

thank you.

ps... old age is sometimes called second childhood. the first childhood is pleasure to the parents. let us try to keep our second childhoods tolerable to our children.

 

[happyhindu]

Everybody has to plan for their retirement with sufficient funds or solid property. If you have money, your daughter in law will not throw you out. If you don't have money, then you are considered as a burden. I have seen this in many families.

Very true, have seen this happen.

Have also seen rare instances where the son says he neither wants his parents' property nor their presence in his home.

Generally i think tiffs happen mainly due to mil - dil conflict, never heard of sil - fil conflict. Wonder what makes a woman venemous to the other of her own species.

So far only on my mother's side i found that mil-dil troubles hardly exist. The reason is that most women of the previous and current generrations went / go to work and they tend to be feminist kind (the type that belives women must support women and that men will always like to 'suppress' women if they get a chance). They boys were / are taught to cook and do household work just as the girls with equal freedom to both, in such households. So, the boys do not grow up with that 'i am a man' type of gauravam and do make good sensitive husbands with wives who reciprocate the same. And the girls do not shy away from household work, learn to make adjustments and are fine with taking care of in-laws.

i think most troubles happen when the parents in law continue to think of themselves as the controller of their son's life after he is married (by controller i mean, thos that behave like really terrible). There are parents to this day who expect the son to hand over his earnings to them, make life miserable for the dil, make comparisons b/w those old glorious days and now, are resentful that a female gets 'too much' freedom these days and will not allow the dil to go to work, will even decide who the dil should make or not make friends with, will expect the dil to behave like exactly like the mil in terms of doing everything that the mil has been 'maintaining' so far with the mil tending to behave like a grand dowager, etc, and i suspect such things happen in business families a lot more than elsewhere (where the son too become a tool of 'panam gauravam' than anything else).

 

[Brahmanyan]

Dear Sri Rajesh Raghavan,

First let me welcome you to the Tamil Brahmins Forum. I am very happy to see that you have touched an important subject in your first Post. After reading the opinions expressed by learned members of the Forum As a Senior Citizen I too wish to share my views on the subject.

Well, old age is a natural stage of growth. After slogging out years of work to build a family, the person retires at a suitable age to enjoy a restful period with the family that he had built assiduously. At this period of time all we need is good health and the warmth of the family. To live amongst the children and grand children is a different kind of joy, that cannot be described in words. It is my personal experience that, this period gives us a fresh chance to experience the happiness derived out of warmth of near and dear that we have missed to notice during our earlier years when we were busy in pursuit of earning money and building a family.
I for one believe it is not fair to put the elderly people in an Old age Home, what ever may be the reason. No amount of materialistic comfort can replace the warmth of human love and affection. I have seen some of the old age homes run for elderly in Chennai and Bangalore. They do provide all the basic amenities and health care. Every thing in the homes function with clockwork precision. But there is no cheerfulness in the faces of the inmates. I could feel the loneliness in their empty hearts. Old people exist but don't live in the real sense.
Yes. In a family there will always be differences among the individuals. Because we are thinking animals, we have individual opinions, egos etc. Above all we have demolished the age old hierarchy of Hindu ndivided Family, where there was a head of family to guide and take final decision. But this should not be the reason to segregate the elderly people from the family. It is inhuman. It is like sending old cows to a pinjrapole when they cease to give milk. The youngsters living abroad have found a new use for their elderly parents (especially mothers) . They invite their parents to live with them and take care of their children. What a noble gesture ! But this is certainly better than an old age home.

Regards,
Brahmanyan.

 

[RVR]

I fully appreciate your views Mr.Brahmanyan ji. I have enjoyed the affection of my grand mother during my younger days and there is no substitute for that. However today Daughter in Law (DIL) feel that mother in law (MIL) is spoiling her children. The friction starts only at that point.

DIL don't have the maturity that no MIL will spoil her grand children. MIL should also have the maturity to hold within limits where there is no conflict or confrontation with DIL. In some families MIL is over affectionate to the grandchildren. Children by nature will be attached to those who are most affectionate to them. But it doesn't go well with DIL.

Grandparents are more comfortable with grandchildren. Any amount of comfort in old age homes will not substitute the pleasure spending time with grandchildren. When both the spouses are going for employment, grandparents are best option for taking care of the home and grandchildren. It is a win win situation for entire family.

Unfortunately small differences are magnified and grand parents are forced to move to old age homes

 

[KRS]

The last few postings only talk about a situation where one's parents are forced to live in an old age home against their wishes. It is wrong on the part of the children to do this.

Again, I touched upon the wishes of some parents nowadays who do want to live independently and at the same time enjoy the family on their terms. I do not see anything wrong with this.

I think the confusion comes with our notion that we have to live on top of each other to show and experience love. Quite often, such a close living, unless proper care is observed by all, it can produce quite contrary and unitended results to what is ideal.

I know a very close relative of mine, a lady, who lived with her MIL in a joint family and was a model of a devout DIL. And when her sons got married, she was a terror to her DILs. The explanation? She told me that her MIL treated her worse than how she was treating her DILs, what's the problem?

For a joint family to work, EVERYONE must adhere to the same rules. But, with the modern way of life, this often does not work. It has become a nuclear family deal. And with the widening generational gaps nowadays, it is very hard to connect with younger generations and vice versa in all spheres, except in the sphere of role playing and showering love.

So, it goes. Times, they are a changing!

Regards,
KRS

 

[Brahmanyan]

Dear Sri Venkataramani,

I do agree with your observation that "small differences are magnified" , but I feel that should not destroy the love and affection built over years. Differences do exist in almost all families. I need not tell that in life we have to do a lot of give and take to balance harmony of peaceful living. If we understand the DIL is also an young girl who had come to us leaving her parents to build up a family of her own and naturally she expects to be treated with equal respect, love and affection, then half of the problem will be solved. My wife and I do not find any difficulty with our DIL Inspite of being an employed girl, She takes care of every need of ours, from giving medicines to specific food. Now slowly my wife has transfered most of the family responsiblities to her. Thus we find more time to spend with our Grand children and lead our own pursuits in retired life.​

Old habits never die but as Sri KRS has rightly pointed out "Times are a changing" every one should change according to the requirement if we want to continue a hormoneous family.​

Regards,
Brahmanyan.​

 

[RVR]

Rightly said Mr.Brahmanyan ji. The incoming DIL has to be treated with Honour and Dignity with enough freedom. After all she has left her erstwhile home leaving parents and siblings which is a very tough thing to do. MIL and other members have to understand and also create proper atmosphere to DIL.

Problem with most of the MIL is they should not think that her importance has gone down. On the contrary she should understand that there is some other person has joined her to share the responsibilities.

Attachment and ego are root cause of all the problems. Detachment is the best solution