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Nice, Clean Humour-02

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Active member
Members may add clean jokes here instead of opening separate threads (which consume more resources).

Scrabbles You Have Never Seen!

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

When you rearrange the letters:

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When you rearrange the letters:

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When you rearrange the letters:

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

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When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:


When you rearrange the letters:

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
Very nice. Shri Saidevo,

I found some "April Fool" Special in Rediffmail.com, which is reproduced below:

We invited you to share the best All Fool's Day messages you received. These are some of the responses we got!

Antony Philip sends us this one: India vs Pakistan Semifinal recalled today at 2.30pm. ICC Official explanation. The coin used for Toss had both side HEADS.

Zubin Sanjana shares with us this message she received:

9 facts still hidden from us:
1. 90% of people in Australia don't drink milk.
2.Snake's vision is upto 5 km.
3.A man can touch sun if his body is completely surrounded by mercury.
4.No twins have been born till now in Greenland.
5.Zebra doesn't have a liver.
6.All the above details are false.
7.Thanks for believing for a while.
8.Today is not 1st April.
9.But a fool is a fool on any date.

Prashant Srivastava writes in:

Ind-SL Match Fixed as under (see all secret matters on www.wikileaks_matchsecrets.com)

1. SL will bat first.
2. SL will be 75 for 4 and then will make 270 to 273 runs.
3. Sehwag will be out in first over (he has been already paid Rs.23 crore in USB swiss bank)
4. Sachin 95-98 out.
5. Ind will win by just 1 wicket in last 2 balls, for which Rs.251 crore paid to SL.


Ye to Aprilfool ki net practice hai..

Sheetal Rohra sends us these two:

Fool sey ,
Fool ney,
Foolon ki foolwari main,
Fool sey wish kiya,
You are the most,
Amongst all fools,

Happy Fools Day 2011

I am your girlfriend:
theek kaha na ?
In short I am your S.I.S.T.E.R. :p
Happy April Fools Day

Of course shocked! What a prediction!

1. SL will bat first.
2. SL will be 75 for 4 and then will make 270 to 273 runs.
3. Sehwag will be out in first over (he has been already paid Rs.23 crore in USB swiss bank)
4. Sachin 95-98 out.
5. Ind will win by just 1 wicket in last 2 balls, for which Rs.251 crore paid to SL.

Too many coincidences!

Management Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:

"If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:"Okay. "

The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled withlogarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd cheers,"That' s correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers, "Yes, why not".

The shepherd says, "You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy like McKinsey,etc. .".

How did you know?" asks the surprised young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd.

"First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And third, you don't understand anything about my business... Now can I have my DOG back?"

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Found the following in the Internet:

Funny leave applications

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people........

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of Pakistan.

1. A student's leave letter:
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."

2. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."

3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".

11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was

Performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
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Every one knows that Internet is an inexhaustible source for jokes of all sorts. here is another one!

Software Engineers !!!

There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes to him
for a
haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
(Believe me it's worth it!!!!!!!!!!)

A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts
forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut

Poor Barber.... ;)

Read more: Funny Jokes - FunOnTheNet
Some one-liners to ponder

• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.

• There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

• Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished.

• When I was born, I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half.

• Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

• Honesty may be the best policy, but it is important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy.

• Ability is what will get you to the top, if the boss has no daughter.

• Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

• If our Constitution allows us free speech, why are these phone bills?

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• If you can't convince them, confuse them.

• Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• Who says nothing is impoissible? I have been doing nothing for years.

• I am so clever that sometimes that I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

• My mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

• A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

• When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I enjoyed your one liners well. But, in the piece on Management Consultant, everything was nice except the concluding line. No one keeps so many (1586) dogs at one place and also takes all of them out on a road. This defies sound logic.
Shri Pannvalan,

Perhaps, the ignorance of the Management Consultant is so great (;)) that he could not differentiate even between sheep and dogs - the farmer keeping a few dogs and many sheep, all together making a total of 1586. In that case, the joke is perfectly ok. :)


I enjoyed your one liners well. But, in the piece on Management Consultant, everything was nice except the concluding line. No one keeps so many (1586) dogs at one place and also takes all of them out on a road. This defies sound logic.
Always ask, never assume!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is ...
You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Life is short.......
Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME.
Management lesson from Pathan

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Conductor didn't argue with Pathan, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened – Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next..

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of the poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when Pathan once again got on the bus and said, "Pathan doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at Pathan, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Pathan replied, "Pathan has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

How the kids completed the proverbs

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds - the last one is a classic!

Don't change horses
until they stop running.

Strike while the
bug is close.

It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.

Never underestimate the power of

You can lead a horse to water but

Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.

No news is

A miss is as good as a

You can't teach an old dog new

If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.

Love all, trust

The pen is mightier than the

An idle mind is
the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's

Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.

A penny saved is
not much.

Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
You have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box

When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.

A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

Better late than
One Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain.

* I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Cheque books.

* The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new cars.

* What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

* What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
Ans: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

* Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

* Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

* Q: Why dogs don't marry?
Ans: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

* Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
Ans: One woman brings you into the world crying and the other ensures that you continue to do so.

* Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Oxymorons is a figure of speech in which opposite or contradictory ideas or terms are combined. We use them these days freely in our daily speech and writing for emphasis, perhaps as much as the simile and metaphor, which are two other popular figures of speech.

First a verse about oxymoron:
His honour rooted in dishonour stood,
And faith unfaithful kept him falsely true.
--Alfred Lord Tennyson

a fine mess
a just war
a new classic
absolutely unsure
accurate estimate
act naturally
active retirement
adult children
advanced beginner
agree to disagree
all alone
altogether separate
alone in a crowd
almost done
almost ready
amateur expert
American culture
amicable divorce
anarchy rules!
anonymous colleague
anxious patient
apathetic interest
artificial intelligence
assistant supervisor
astranomically small
authentic replica
awefully good
awefully nice
awefully pretty

baby giant
bad health
balanced insanity
balding hair
bankrupt millionaire
barely dressed
beaucractic efficiencies
benevolent despot
benign neglect
benign tumour
better than new
beyond infinity
big baby
bigger half
bipartisan cooperation
birth control
bitter sweet
black gold
blameless culprit
bland spice
blind eye
blue rose
books on tape
boring entertainment
born dead
boyish grandpa
brave politician
brief speech
bright night
budget deficit
bug-free code
buried alive
business ethics

calculated error
calculated risk
calm storm
camping resort
canned fresh
casual intimacy
cautiously optimistic
cavalier concern
center around
certain risk
certainly unsure
chaotic organization
cheerful pessimist
chilling fever
civil disobedience
civil war
clean air
clearly confused
clearly misunderstood
clever fool
climb down
clogged drain
close distance
cold hotdog
colorless kaleidoscope
combative apology
commercial art
common sense
comparatively unique
complete separation
completed research
completely educated
conscripted volunteer
considerate boss
consistent discrepancies
conspicuously absent
constant variable
constructive criticism
contra assistance
conventional wisdom
corporate culture
corporate family
countless numbers
crash landing
criminal justice
critical acclaim
current history
customer satisfaction

...to continue with the list.

Meantime, some oxymoron poems for kids by Christopher:
Oxymoron Poems | KidPub Press

A blind man looks back
Into the future with the
Ear-splitting whispers of
Unconcealed ghosts
Thundering silently.

A wealthy peasant marches
Weakly across a blazing glacier
As the stars in the cloudy sky
Glisten grimly.

Solid water surges down a
Minuscule mountain into
A celestial hell.

A colossal dinghy raises
Its feather-light anchor
With vicious doves circling
In the bright winter sky.

*** *** ***
Husband and wife

Here is a mail I received today, suggesting a civil way of fighting between a married couple:

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart--
and I got a heart attack!

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you!
The joke about software engineer's present to the barber was excellant though unbelievable. I also liked all the jokes by shri Saidevo.
Reading the above is diversion from the monotony. However, the joke about the civil way of fighting by a couple makes one laugh.
A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at a premier downtown department store.

In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes sir, I was a salesman in India ", replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "Sir, Just ONE sale." said the young salesman. "Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. "If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale.

By the way "How much was the sale worth?"

$236,000" said the young Marwadi.

"What"," How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well", said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer. I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!"

"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, your weekends screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing."

Boss - "You sit in my chair...
Limericks about Hinduism
Ashram by SheilaB
If your passion is deep meditation,
Contemplation, and reincarnation,
If you're hell-bent to brood
(And like Indian food),
Then an Ashram may be your salvation.

atman by SheilaB
The innermost self is the Atman
In Sanskrit. I dig it a lot, man.
Since I studied a smidgen
Of Hindu religion,
A new understanding I've got, man.

attitude by mephistopheles
My yoga class seeks to explain
How to ride on a spiritual plane.
But my real life intrudes,
Soon disrupting my moods:
This plane's attitude's hard to maintain.

Holi by mrsrev
I went to a party last year
Where they tossed around lots of AbIr.
Now my chin is all green
With a glittery sheen,
And my nose has turned purple. How queer!

caste by mephistopheles
In some one-shot religions, it's said,
There is heaven or hell once you're dead.
But in caste-centered sects
The believer expects
Several do-over lifetimes instead.

A caste is a social division,
Where, according to Hindu tradition,
You inherit your job
From your grandfather, Bob,
And the rank of his social position.

avatar by Jane Auerbach
A deity, human in form
Like ViShNu (most often the norm);
An embodiment of
A concept, like love—
An avatar? You're getting warm.

avidyA by Chuck Folkers
avidyA: it means I forgot
My divinity. That is my lot.
You see that old sod?
He thinks that he's God.
I am, but I think that I'm not.

Ashrama by Chuck Folkers
Education is Ashrama one.
Two is work. (Not a great deal of fun.)
Number three: leave society;
Four: practice piety—-
Live as a hermit or nun.

Ayurvedic by Carol June Hooker
If Kapha and Pitta and Vatta
Unbalance, then something's the matta.
Your alternative medic,
Through routes Ayurvedic,
Rebalances dosha errata.

Aditi by SheilaB
She's a great Hindu goddess; with ease
She redresses both sin and disease.
Aditi, on high,
Named for "limitless sky,"
Is creatress of all that one sees.

Aditya by SheilaB
The Adityas are gods of the sun.
There are twelve; for each month there is one.
Aditi's their mother
So each is a brother;
In the Vedas their stories are spun.

antaranga by Chuck Folkers
I consider the scholarship shoddy
Claiming yoga's a thing of the body.
Antarangas, you'll find,
Are concerned with the mind:
They are dharana, dhyana, samadhi.

OEDILF - Topic
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in beating the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and, with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.

Everyone agreed that that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?"

The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.
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