i hate to bring discordance here, but what is the use of avoiding celebrations for a relative whom we dont know or have seen? as it has been mentioned in some cases here. there is no grief involved, and i think, the essence of avoidance, is the sorrow associated with the departed one. no?
when i was young, deepavali was eagerly looked forward to, and also with trepidition, of any news of possible deaths on my father's side, as the date neared. although dad had 125 cousins maternal wise, since he was born posthumous, he had barely any connection with his father's side of the family.
till when i was about 10, the relationship sort of revived - a couple of bedraggled folks came, claimed relationship. dad was overjoyed, and we visited this rather crowded 'portion' in thondiarpet, where the entire family was put to display, and a sob story associated with each was narrated in detail. dad quickly caught on the gist of the situation, and hurried ourselves out of the house. never to vist or renew contacts again.
a few years later, we got a phone call about one of his paternal cousins passing away, and insistence on 10 days pelai and such. dad hung up the phone, and told us, that since he did not know these folks, and had no connections in his life, and they had done zilch to help bring him, an orphan, up in life, there need be no observance. i was happy as a tween, that i could buy crackers.
the pre eminence given to paternal side, i notice raises its head, at certain times like death. at those times, we 'grieve' for some whom we do not care or have done wrong. a cousin of mine, his father a drunk and wastrel, refused to do the last rites because the man had kicked out his family out of the house, and these were living with maternal uncles. while most of us younger generation agreed, the maternal uncle forced the lad to do the rites, and he did it, though did not follow up with any other rituals.
incidentally, the man was introduced to drugs/drinks by his own brothers, who used the addiction as an excuse, to write him off from literally crores of wealth, as these were among a top industrial house in tamil nadu of those times. not sure if the brothers observed pelai when the wastrel died, but soon afterwards, came with an army of lawyers, and explained to the maternal uncle, of the fact that the wastrel had signed away all his rights to the family wealth. such is life.