According to the OSHA (Occupational Safety and Health Administration) in the US every substance that is used in any form has to have what is known as MSDS. Here are two---one for woman and another for man. Lots of humor but don't take offense.
C.O.S.H.H. REGULATIONS 1988
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Substance: Woman
Symbol: W02
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55 Kg, but there are known isotopes ranging from 45 Kg to 225 Kg
Occurrence: Large quantities in urban areas, with traces found in most other areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface normally covered in powder and paint film (thickness variable according to age)
2. Aromatic odour.
3. Boils at nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
4. Melts if given appropriate treatment.
5. Yields if pressure applied in the correct manner, explodes if stressed excessively.
6. Bitter if used incorrectly, may become sour with age, can sometimes be sweetened up.
7. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material to common ore, pure specimens are relatively uncommon..
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Great affinity to Gold (Au), Silver (Ag), Platinum (Pt) and all precious stones.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Liable to explode spontaneously, without warning or reason.
4. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
5. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
6. Insoluble in liquids, but greatly increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
7. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS
1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
HAZARDS
1. Highly volatile and dangerous except in experienced hands (highly dangerous in inexperienced hands)
2. Delicate handling required.
3. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen (great care must be taken when handling multiple specimens).
4. May begin to swell if suitable handling precautions are not taken.
CONTAMINATION PROCEDURE
1. If contaminated, the services of a skilled lawyer must be sought.
C.O.S.H.H. REGULATIONS 1988
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Substance: Man
Symbol: M+ (Free radical most desirable)
Discoverer: Eve
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 65 Kg, but there are known isotopes ranging from 55 Kg to 315 Kg
Occurrence: Large quantities in urban areas, with traces found in most other areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface normally covered in grease and fur oxidase except at apex of specimen
2. Surface liable to tarnish, stain and attract dirt.
3. Pungent or stale odour.
4. Usually inert, but correct stimulus can promote a reaction.
5. Yields if pressure applied in the correct manner, explodes under strain.
6. Bitter if used incorrectly, sours with age but can sometimes be sweetened up.
7. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin grade to base material, but pure specimens hard to find nowadays.
8. Not one of the ‘noble elements’ (usually found in combination with Woman).
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Great affinity to alcohol (ethanol).
2. Capable of liberating quantities of expensive substances if treated correctly.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a female.
4. Softens and wilts when soaked in hot water, greater rigidity at cooler temperatures.
5. Insoluble in liquids, especially inert after saturation in alcohol (athough this state is preceded by an initial and noisy period of increased activity).
6. The most powerful money producing agent known to woman. High valency - capable of multiple bonds with Woman.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental - especially during Match of the Day or Formula One racing.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS
1. Pure specimens turn pale and shrivel when discovered in the natural state.
2. Behaves erratically when placed alongside a superior specimen.
3. Localised expansion and rigidity when excited.
HAZARDS
1. Dangerous in inexperienced hands - unpredictable when activated
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen (great care must be taken when handling multiple specimens).
3. May induce swelling if suitable handling precautions are not taken.
DECONTAMINATION PROCEDURE
1. If contaminated, the services of a skilled lawyer must be sought.
C.O.S.H.H. REGULATIONS 1988
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Substance: Woman
Symbol: W02
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55 Kg, but there are known isotopes ranging from 45 Kg to 225 Kg
Occurrence: Large quantities in urban areas, with traces found in most other areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface normally covered in powder and paint film (thickness variable according to age)
2. Aromatic odour.
3. Boils at nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
4. Melts if given appropriate treatment.
5. Yields if pressure applied in the correct manner, explodes if stressed excessively.
6. Bitter if used incorrectly, may become sour with age, can sometimes be sweetened up.
7. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material to common ore, pure specimens are relatively uncommon..
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Great affinity to Gold (Au), Silver (Ag), Platinum (Pt) and all precious stones.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Liable to explode spontaneously, without warning or reason.
4. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.
5. Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
6. Insoluble in liquids, but greatly increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
7. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS
1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
1. Highly volatile and dangerous except in experienced hands (highly dangerous in inexperienced hands)
2. Delicate handling required.
3. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen (great care must be taken when handling multiple specimens).
4. May begin to swell if suitable handling precautions are not taken.
CONTAMINATION PROCEDURE
1. If contaminated, the services of a skilled lawyer must be sought.
C.O.S.H.H. REGULATIONS 1988
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS DATA SHEET
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Substance: Man
Symbol: M+ (Free radical most desirable)
Discoverer: Eve
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 65 Kg, but there are known isotopes ranging from 55 Kg to 315 Kg
Occurrence: Large quantities in urban areas, with traces found in most other areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface normally covered in grease and fur oxidase except at apex of specimen
2. Surface liable to tarnish, stain and attract dirt.
3. Pungent or stale odour.
4. Usually inert, but correct stimulus can promote a reaction.
5. Yields if pressure applied in the correct manner, explodes under strain.
6. Bitter if used incorrectly, sours with age but can sometimes be sweetened up.
7. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin grade to base material, but pure specimens hard to find nowadays.
8. Not one of the ‘noble elements’ (usually found in combination with Woman).
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Great affinity to alcohol (ethanol).
2. Capable of liberating quantities of expensive substances if treated correctly.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with a female.
4. Softens and wilts when soaked in hot water, greater rigidity at cooler temperatures.
5. Insoluble in liquids, especially inert after saturation in alcohol (athough this state is preceded by an initial and noisy period of increased activity).
6. The most powerful money producing agent known to woman. High valency - capable of multiple bonds with Woman.
COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental - especially during Match of the Day or Formula One racing.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS
1. Pure specimens turn pale and shrivel when discovered in the natural state.
2. Behaves erratically when placed alongside a superior specimen.
3. Localised expansion and rigidity when excited.
HAZARDS
1. Dangerous in inexperienced hands - unpredictable when activated
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen (great care must be taken when handling multiple specimens).
3. May induce swelling if suitable handling precautions are not taken.
DECONTAMINATION PROCEDURE
1. If contaminated, the services of a skilled lawyer must be sought.
