marriage with/without dowry

[kr subramanian]

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Dear Friends,
I would like to drawn your attention to a social cancer by which many marriages are delayed or denied.
In olden days girls were not educated so much so as of now a days and they were not able to get a job At that time in order to help them in case of need, I think, money materials were given so that they can live happily.
But now a days when girls are more educated and are willing and getting jobs why should the stress for money/materials. Now a days the stress for gold / diamond has become so much that even a father of one girl becomes AANDI. (old saying ANCHU PONNU PIRANTHAL ARASANAM AANDI) i THINK THIS IS ALSO A IMPORTANT REASON FOR GIRLS PREFERRING LOVE MARRIAGE?

yOUR IDEAS =PLEASE TO ERADICATE/LESSEN THIS EVIL.:bump2:

 

[renuka]

Dear All,

Ceiling of Desires is the answer to the menace of dowry system.

Why can't people understand that even gold is just made up of 5 elements.

Material desire is a highly contagious disease which can destroy enough lifes and it needs mass vaccination of human values even in booster doses for total eradication.

renuka

 

[kunjuppu]

krs,

from what i understand, i don't understand your query.

it has been said about in this forum and elsewhere, that as far as TBs are concerned, since there are more boys than girls, girls literally have boys lining up for marriage.

is this not true?

also, are not girls, including yours earning a fat paycheck every month?

once they are married, are not the paycheck become the common property with the husband?

based on these, don't the girls' parents have some sort of leverage?

are there not enough suitable bachelors, who will offer to foot 50% of the wedding costs? i think that is what you should bargain.

in the days past, it used to be fashionable for boys' parents to say that they don't demand dowry. instead they dinged the girls' father with demand for vairakkal besari, necklace sets in all different colours and 6 inch zari saris.

i am hoping those days are all gone. nowadays many girls are also only child or girls only family exists. don't these children have not a right to take care of THEIR parents too, intstead of nursing just the in laws.

i would, if possible, recommend to avoid those greedy boys families, and let them stew in their love of gold, by having their sons unmarried. there is a lot of fish out in the bachelor sea for you to set your cast, and get some really good harvest.

best wishes.

 

[C RAVI]

Sri Kunjuppu ji,

"Nachchundu Sonnel"

Sri K R Subramanian ji,

I strongly believe that today's boys are absolutely against dowry. Many of the boys could realise that it's a shame on their parents and most importantly on themself. They are determined not to be sold.

Today majority of guys got broad mentality. They are prepared to set up a seperate family life with their employed wife and live a happy life.

I would just like to express one suggestion.


If a gril's parents are convienced by boys profile and family background, and could find that girl and boy liked each other, than they can encourage their daughter to get in touch with the boy directly. They can communicate among themself well and chances are the boy may decide to convience his parents or can decide to go against his parents. Girl's parents need not to feel for going against boy's parents as such greedy parents need not be honoured/bothered.

I request members to pardon me if I am wrong anywhere.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear Friends,
Thank you for the responses. It is the practice nowa days to say do as you have done to your elder daughter (cost of gold itself might have increased many fold) or we won`t ask any thing but do as per your status.
Also the way in which marriages are conducted . Are we not spending/wasting money in AADAMBARA kalyanam.
Even after marriage atleast for a year (deepavali,pongal, karthika,etc) seemantham, delivery, aanduniravu..how many expenses .
Can`t we unite through this forum and stop such practices?

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Friends,
Thank you for the responses. It is the practice nowa days to say do as you have done to your elder daughter (cost of gold itself might have increased many fold) or we won`t ask any thing but do as per your status.
Also the way in which marriages are conducted . Are we not spending/wasting money in AADAMBARA kalyanam.
Even after marriage atleast for a year (deepavali,pongal, karthika,etc) seemantham, delivery, aanduniravu..how many expenses .
Can`t we unite through this forum and stop such practices?

krs,,

in my view, for last 3 weddings i attended in madras, it is disgusting the amount of money and pomp. but then these people could afford it, and it was self made money and hence they enjoyed spending it.

personally, i think, only one, and only one has to stand up first and refuse to do all those expenses. if the boys want seemantham, delivery, aandinervu, let them spend for it. after all the girl and the boy are earning. they should be ashamed to look to the parents.

it is one good thing right across the board in the west. after the wedding, nothing is expected. parents help out, but out of need, but not out of greed in the name of traditon.

if you stand up krs, i will support you. don't give up sir. you have common sense, decency and above all morality on your side. also, the winds of history are blowing inyour favour.

.. and i am sure, with one example, like herds the rest will follow. the boys' side will gripe, but will accept it soon, and soon after that, all this will never be brought up. just like 5 days wedding and such stuff that our grandparents used to have.

 

[Raghy]

I feel like laughing very hard on reading this thread so far. We may write anything we like in this forum; but, that is not the reality.

I said - "We don't care about dowry; we will buy diamond as per the girl's choice; if the girl likes to avail the opportunities to study further, we will make all arrangements for that; a simple wedding in a temple is fine; we are more than happy to share the cost of reception after the wedding"

I was asked 'so, what is wrong with your son?'

 

[Raghy]

Dear Friends,
I would like to drawn your attention to a social cancer by which many marriages are delayed or denied.
In olden days girls were not educated so much so as of now a days and they were not able to get a job At that time in order to help them in case of need, I think, money materials were given so that they can live happily.
But now a days when girls are more educated and are willing and getting jobs why should the stress for money/materials. Now a days the stress for gold / diamond has become so much that even a father of one girl becomes AANDI. (old saying ANCHU PONNU PIRANTHAL ARASANAM AANDI) i THINK THIS IS ALSO A IMPORTANT REASON FOR GIRLS PREFERRING LOVE MARRIAGE?

yOUR IDEAS =PLEASE TO ERADICATE/LESSEN THIS EVIL.:bump2:

Sri KR Subramaniyan,

Sir, I don't see any connection between love marriages and parents plight in getting the girl married. The two are two different subjects.

If a marriage as per the sashtra and sampradhayam, then the groom parents should pay 'parisam' or compensation to the brides parents for taking that girl away; also they should provide 'manja kaani' or some wealth of her own when taking her in their family.

I read in this forum that there are more eligible bachelors than the young girls (personally I don't think so); in that situation, why not demand for 'parisam' and 'manja kaani'?

The fact is when the groom could not afford 'parisam', then only 'kanniga dhaanam' was conducted. It is not compulsory to conduct to 'kanniga dhaanam'.

 

[pvraman]

15 years back. I felt very ashamed to ask dowry and preferred only a girl who is not willing to do a job outside, even I was leading a lower middle class family life. I conveyed this to my father. My father got his 6 sisters married by giving dowry. My father agreed and my mother never say anything against my wish. My wife was the 4th (last girl, two elder sisters got married already), they were happy and it was an arranged marriage.

In future, after marriage, the boy should migrate to girls house. In Indonesia, boy should pay dowry for the marriage, not girls! and the boy migrates to girls house. I have both, so pls don't think, because of my daughter, i say so. . It is bit early, but at the right time, I may ask my daughter to choose a boy, who is not the only son in the family.

Nowadays, working boy and girl changed the things. The boy decides after consulting the girl. Most of the boys prefer only working girls. So there is no question of taking dowry in advance, they get in installments.

Nowadays, i feel, right from Pre-KG, people try to get educated only to make money more money. So their mind is filled with money and in future it is going to become more worse.

We can do a world of good for our younger gen. by preparing them to value the existence, appreciate the life with what we have, education is for acquiring knowledge, and profession to satisfy our inner mind, let the money be a by-product, not the main goal on which you place your entire life. Which according to me is the root cause of all this problems.

Cheers

 

[C RAVI]

I feel like laughing very hard on reading this thread so far. We may write anything we like in this forum; but, that is not the reality.

I said - "We don't care about dowry; we will buy diamond as per the girl's choice; if the girl likes to avail the opportunities to study further, we will make all arrangements for that; a simple wedding in a temple is fine; we are more than happy to share the cost of reception after the wedding"

I was asked 'so, what is wrong with your son?'

Sri Rahy ji,

You are absolutely right.... If a boy / boy parents would not demand and or would encourage a simple marriage, the reaction from a girl / girl's parent would be much upsetting. As you have stated, they will ask - "What is wrong with your son?

My parents are not at all behind this silly things. They use to say that a boy marrying a girl should not be expecting anything from the girl. Love, sincerely, responsibility and moral goodness need to be the only expectations of a boy from her.

We could see how our Dad had to struggle to accumulate funds to fulfill the demands of boy's parents while marrying off our sister.

Now while looking for an alliance for my elder brother, my parents clearly used to say to the girl's parents that "we don't want anything from your side. A very simple marriage would be enough to see them married happily". Majority of them immediately asked - "Why are you so flexible? Is there something wrong with your son?

My parents got irritated and asked one question to one of such parents - "Please don't hide your girl's problems by pampering boys / boys parents with lots of dowry, gold and diamonds"

Later my parents corrected themselves so as not to hurt the girl and used to say – “Yathasakthi Kalyaanam pannungo”

I dunno how long this - "NEEYA-NAANA" will continue?

 

[RVR]

There is a shortage of girls right now. There is no two opinion about it. But it may change in the future.

Girls in our community are well educated and empowered . Welcome change which we all should appreciate.

Arranged mariages was the traditional practice in India. Since divorce rates in India are the lowest in the world, I earnestly feel that we should follow the principle. Even in the arranged marriages, the boy and girl approve each other and nothing is forced on them.

Dowry is not there in our community. It is a welcome change. I hope girl side will not demand dowry sensing the shortage.

But marriage expenses is definitely a worrying factor. I think it has become a status symbol to conduct marriages at the luxurious style. Each marriage attempts to beat the previous one when it comes to the show. I have few suggestions to reduce marriage expenses.

1 The girl can agree to have very little jewellery. Probably she can give up diamond stud as no girl wear that nowadays on regular basis. She can go for minimum gold jewellery. Silver could be avoided totally. Silk sarees could be avoided totally as adviced by Paramacharyal.

2. Marriage invitation can be very simple. With the present communication of voice chat over internet, emails, mobile phones etc there is no need for a costly invitation. People spend enormous money for the invitation card - it can be made simple probably using a recycle material to save environmental degradation. Physical invitation may be avoided to a great extent saving time, energy and money.

Using internet for email, voice chat etc and mobile/landline probably can save lot of money, time and energy.

3. Marriage may be reduced to a single day function emulating other communities. Vratham can be performed at home. Migrate to the mandapam in the evening, perform receiption in the evening eliminating Mappillai Azhaipu, Conduct marriage in the morning and vocate the hall after lunch. This way marriage expenses could be reduced to a great extent. If hall rent is reduced to single day, it will be a great saving.

4. Both accepting gifts as well giving gifts should be reduced except very close relatives. This will reduce lot of expenses.

I request our honourable members to think over and suggest/modify the above wherever required.

All the best

 

[C RAVI]

Sri RVR ji,

All of your suggestions are perfectly Ok as far as I am concerned...

If not mistaken I would like to add one more point in continuation with yours to lower the budget.

5) Instead of having a musical troop for a live music, It would be better if we go for a music system to play the music from the CD.

* As it is majority of the people attending the reception would be busy chit chatting (and that is absolutely fine) and would not just sit in front of the musicians to listen to them and appreciate them. Hardly few elders are doing this.

 

[RVR]

Sri RVR ji,

All of your suggestions are perfectly Ok as far as I am concerned...

If not mistaken I would like to add one more point in continuation with yours to lower the budget.

5) Instead of having a musical troop for a live music, It would be better if we go for a music system to play the music from the CD.

* As it is majority of the people attending the reception would be busy chit chatting (and that is absolutely fine) and would not just sit in front of the musicians to listen to them and appreciate them. Hardly few elders are doing this.

Music during marriages is definitely waste of money. Musicians are very costly nowadays. Light music is also costly. As you suggested, recorded music can be played during the function at a low volume so that no body is disturbed.

All the best

 

[pvraman]

Dear Sir,

All the yaaga mantras should be chanted through loud speakers to invite the full attention of the crowd, let them get the benefit of the vibrations of mantras.

This will be a nice replacement to the live music, or tape recorder.

Regards

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Sir,

All the yaaga mantras should be chanted through loud speakers to invite the full attention of the crowd, let them get the benefit of the vibrations of mantras.

This will be a nice replacement to the live music, or tape recorder.

Regards

:thumb:

 

[RVR]

Recently I attended a Telugu Smartha marriage at Hyderabad. The gothra pronouncements by the vadhyars of both sides was done through mike and loudspeakers in the hall. It is like three plus one generation on both girl and boy side and repeated three times alternatively. Every one in the audience attentively heard it. Probably it was to make sure that nobody in the audience has objection for the marriage.

It was really nice to hear the same. I think our community marriages can also have similar arrangement in the marriage hall.

All the best

 

[Raghy]

Sri KR Subramaniyan started this thread; Sri. RVR assured that there is a shortage of girls and even suggested girls may ask for dowry.

I am in trouble!:fear: My wife is asking for dowry after reading this thread! :violin:

 

[RVR]

Sri KR Subramaniyan started this thread; Sri. RVR assured that there is a shortage of girls and even suggested girls may ask for dowry.

I am in trouble!:fear: My wife is asking for dowry after reading this thread! :violin:

Sorry, I never intended to create trouble in your home front.

I think you have made a mistake of allowing your wife to read this forum postings. I am very careful on that.

If you still have problems, please send a private message. Definitely I can help you.

All the best

 

[kunjuppu]

. . It is bit early, but at the right time, I may ask my daughter to choose a boy, who is not the only son in the family.



Cheers

.. appears to be a real fear in girls' families re marrying only child only son.

only sons better watch out

 

[C RAVI]

Sri Kunjuppu ji,

Only sons may look for girls families having multiple girls (daughters) :mad2: :kiss:

Just kidding................

 

[kunjuppu]

seriously speaking ravi, the last two girls in my family, their parents insisted that no, one only child son will be needed. this caused disappointment in some boys' families but the girls parents were adamant about this. no compromises.

several reasons, the most important one, seems to be அம்மை ஒட்டி mother-son relationship and fear that the girl will be given 2nd rung position.

this is something, that only child son grooms need to be aware, and somehow if possible, assuage such fears.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear friends, Thank you verymuch for the positive response. I am also glad toknow that there are many withmy own feelings. I would like to add that in our part the gold taken in lumpsum is kept in safe lockers and only duplicate are worn by girls for fear of theft. I also came to understand that the original gold which we are buying are only covering for a depth of one or two inch by which even the machines could not detect it. (May be it isthe reason why even after lot of adv through tv and paper gold sellers make huge profit) Can anybody enlighten when this habit of gold started? A whole hearted open minded approach from all sides of brahmins can atleast reduce this show.
Some of the suggestions.
Bridegrooms should reach only at the nick of time. If possible make it half a day programme.
Givemore importance to Vadhyar and Manthras (instead of seeing the back of photographers let us see full marriage).Since many non brahmins will also attend the function if possible let vadhyars explain the meaning of manthrams in short so that instead of chit chat people will listen the function.
Do not go for costly sarees for one time function. (for example 18gajam brought for thousands of rupees after marriage is kept in the same fold and when taken after years seen that it is worn at the foldings.
Shed the ego of competing with neighbour brahmins.
Give importance to peace of mind and not for piece of gold.
with cheers