How many girls got their boys of their choice?

[Ramacchandran]

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This day, when I was browsing, and checking the Grooms wanted column, seen plenty of wishes floated by the brides. Some of them said they wanted engineer, Doctors, and all. I had few numbers of the advertised persons who deleted the ads as the date expired and for not paying the fees/ Charges demanded by the WEB SITE. When I contacted them most of them replied they postponed the marriage (as they are not getting the groom as they like) Only one said marriage fixed, but at later stage with drawn!

When the bride's requirement was not met and unable to get a groom, they must satisfy that with a groom whose horoscope matches and 70 percent of the requirement is fulfilled. But they prefer to wait! Not that alone! I saw an ad by a friend of mine, who has two houses, One at Anna nagar (With Ground, and not Flat) and one at Mogapare with ground, One car and two bikes, Son works at USA., and met him. He said, the bride's family wants her daughter to deliver the baby in U.S.! Further she wish to write few exams for which he should cooperate! Shocked by this he exchanged his views with me.

Now it is clear even rich and highly educated grooms too finds it difficult to get a bride.

Now is there any way to know How many girls got their boys of their choice?

 

[C RAVI]

Sri Ramachandran,

Hardly any girl/married wommen would say that she got a boy/husband of her choice....Just a light hearted note for fun.

I could not understand as why the wish of bride's family to have their daughter deliver baby in U.S. and expecting the support of the boy and his family to help their daughter write few exams are all considered as ridiculous demands, making the boy/boy's father shock? If the boy and his family belongs to well to do class of society, than why such expectations of the girl/girl's parents to be considered meaningless/senseless?

Every one wants the best in all the aspects and every one wants the best in comparison to their other girl/lady friends of their social circle/relatives.

Thats perfectly OK, to look for the best. But should be within the time frame. "Time and tide wait for no men" and there is no guarantee of "the best" as per one's definite check list to come their way as a life partner at the later age. Sky is the limit for expectations and trying to reach the sky should not make one self get buried under the ground.

 

[Ramacchandran]

Dear Ravi,
If the girl is very much interested she might have received a scholarships. She need not depend on a boy! The boy stays in a place and the educational institutions are nearly 1000 kms away from his res. He came across lot of girls who married, admitted in collage, after getting education just say good bye!. There were many articles appeared in Junior vikatan in this regard.
If the girl is really talented she must earn the degree on her own and not after marrying and settling down in U.S.
Actually the boy after marriage prefers to stay in his home town! He hated american culture!

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Ravi,
If the girl is very much interested she might have received a scholarships. She need not depend on a boy! The boy stays in a place and the educational institutions are nearly 1000 kms away from his res. He came across lot of girls who married, admitted in collage, after getting education just say good bye!. There were many articles appeared in Junior vikatan in this regard.
If the girl is really talented she must earn the degree on her own and not after marrying and settling down in U.S.
Actually the boy after marriage prefers to stay in his home town! He hated american culture!

Shri Ramachandran,

I could understand the case now. By your first post, I was under the impression that the girl is already undergoing some studies and need to complete her exams after her marriage, with out any objections from her husband and in laws, in completing her course.


I too have heared many of such hearbraking incidents...People are talking of female libration that every one including me would welcome and be proud to see our Indian women in their genuine liberty, progress, mental strength and in their full capacity to protect herself.

But it is really paining to find some people appreciating the bravery, intelligence and maturity of such girls who say Good Bye for ever to their married husband after gaining the benefits with the help of their husbands. Such incidents happened in America among Indian communities, that I came accross as news, couple of years before when I was working in Chennai. May be such girls get their mind brodened and much matured to find the most compatible/lovable/intelligent male in her social circle and leave their husband to make the best out of their life. Off course the reverse of it also happening (husband leaving his wife stranded and get away with another lady).

 

[Brahmanyan]

Interesting topic. This problem is not confined to girls alone, boys also feel this .

We were taught that all things in life circles around the theory of "demand and supply". When there is less demand and more supply, the choice is open, but if the demand is more than the supply there is no choice except to accept the available. In today's world we face a new situation. Both demand and supply are plenty among the educated and employed boys and girls. Their expectations have also increased. Thanks to the modern communication systems of posting details of Girls and Boys through available media, the selection process takes time to select the best of the lot. Invariably, economic conditions also dictate the choice. When the individuals get themselves free of all regulatory social rules one by one, the society and family could not help them except watch the happenings as mute spectators.

I hope this problem will get solved by itself as the time progresses.

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[Ramacchandran]

Dear Brahmanyan,
Since you quoted Demand and supply, the parents of the brides can demand more facilities, and they should not float Horoscope and Gothra etc. They can say they have a bride to be married and our expectations are this that etc. Who ever fulfill their requirement can have the hands of the bride. It is like selecting a boy for the post of "husband." No need for horoscope match and it is only a companion and the post can be either resigned or dismissed in name of divorce any time.
There is hardly one in 1000 grooms passed IAS , Doctors, Dentists etc., if there is a doctor he may get 1000 brides in which only 10 doctors in which 8 will be BDS. remaining two will be same star, and the rest one may not look beautiful to the husband! and on inquiry the groom might have detected some weakness of the bride and say "No"
The astrologer might have quoted that the horoscope of the girl will not attract a doctor but an ordinary man who will be less qualified than the doc. Yes! this happened some years back. A doctor in my area met a med rep several times married him! He is B,Sc Chemistry and at that time he was drawing Rs10,000 per month.
Today they have two kids living happily!
I was told that the boy now owns two medical shops.Dreaming for groom for their daughter is OKey but if the fate plans otherwise what will be the story the parents of the girl will tell?
If the parents of the girls prefers IAS/ Docs etc., they should not put Brahmins. They should put "Hindus" so that they can get groom from the same profession and the other Hindus will be glad to have a Brahmin Bride as their daughter-in - law.

 

[Brahin]

She Ramachandran,

I could understand the case now. By your first post, I was under the impression that the girl is already undergoing some studies and need to complete her exams after her marriage, with out any objections from her husband and in laws, in completing her course.


I too have heared many of such hearbraking incidents...People are talking of female libration that every one including me would welcome and be proud to see our Indian women in their genuine liberty, progress, mental strength and in their full capacity to protect herself.

But it is really paining to find some people appreciating the bravery, intelligence and maturity of such girls who say Good Bye for ever to their married husband after gaining the benefits with the help of their husbands. Such incidents happened in America among Indian communities, that I came accross as news, couple of years before when I was working in Chennai. May be such girls get their mind brodened and much matured to find the most compatible/lovable/intelligent male in her social circle and leave their husband to make the best out of their life. Off course the reverse of it also happening (husband leaving his wife stranded and get away with another lady).

Dear C Ravi,
Nice points you brought up,so do you think it all amounts to lack of love between husband and wife..can I have your opinion on this?

 

[C RAVI]

Dear C Ravi,
Nice points you brought up,so do you think it all amounts to lack of love between husband and wife..can I have your opinion on this?

Off course....Lack of love between husband and wife is the root cause


The same feel of, lack of love seems to be scary in certain circumstances...

I have read some articles, stories where separating couples claim that they respect and care each other a lot during their brief married life, they don’t have any major complaints against each other in their role playing etc..etc... and still they feel that they don’t have any more sense of love towards each other and wants to be separated as good friends...I could never figure out as how possible such a scenario is?

Love can happen with any one at any point of time. We can be attracted with any one due many great qualities, differing from individual to individual. Not a single person can offer all the attractions to their spouse. But in marriages, the tendencies of sustaining family values, caring for each other and the kids, commitment to one's responsibilities, understanding and compromising, reasonably adjusting & sacrificing are the prime factors that donates true love and compassion and can keep the couples united for a successful/healthy married life, offering true meaning to one's life till the death.

If we argue that duty as true human is different from true love, I would just differ and support my views with my perceptions that, living under one roof as a family is not just a love by attraction but something more precious, that decides and confirms the intimate emotional bondage to keep the family united.

We may lose our physical beauty in the aging process, we may lose our potency in due course of time, we may fall sick during the course of life and there exist many such unexpected, unpleasant eventualities much before acute natural aging. Its only the sense of bondage and intimate emotional attachment that keeps us accepting each other as spouse with no regrets ever.

In my dictionary, LOVE = A sense of intimate emotional attachment.

Off course, people differ, culture differ, perceptions differ...We as individuals got to live our life as we feel, what the life is all about.

--------------------
I could guess who you may probably be as a member in this forum, though am not cent percent sure of it.

 

[Brahin]

Off course....Lack of love between husband and wife is the root cause


The same feel of, lack of love seems to be scary in certain circumstances...

I have read some articles, stories where separating couples claim that they respect and care each other a lot during their brief married life, they don’t have any major complaints against each other in their role playing etc..etc... and still they feel that they don’t have any more sense of love towards each other and wants to be separated as good friends...I could never figure out as how possible such a scenario is?

Love can happen with any one at any point of time. We can be attracted with any one due many great qualities, differing from individual to individual. Not a single person can offer all the attractions to their spouse. But in marriages, the tendencies of sustaining family values, caring for each other and the kids, commitment to one's responsibilities, understanding and compromising, reasonably adjusting & sacrificing are the prime factors that donates true love and compassion and can keep the couples united for a successful/healthy married life, offering true meaning to one's life till the death.

If we argue that duty as true human is different than true love, I would just differ and support my views with my perceptions that, living under one roof as a family is not just a love by attraction but something more precious, that decides and confirms the intimate emotional bondage to keep the family united.

We may lose our physical beauty in the aging process, we may lose our potency in due course of time, we may fall sick during the course of life and there exist many such unexpected, unpleasant eventualities much before acute natural aging. Its only the sense of bondage and intimate emotional attachment that keeps us accepting each other as spouse with no regrets ever.

In my dictionary, LOVE = A sense of intimate emotional attachment.

Off course, people differ, culture differ, perceptions differ...We as individuals got to live our life as we feel, what the life is all about.

--------------------
I could guess who you may probably be as a member in this forum, though am not cent percent sure of it.

Dear C Ravi,
Thank you for your reply..

 

[kunjuppu]

Off course....Lack of love between husband and wife is the root cause


The same feel of, lack of love seems to be scary in certain circumstances...

I have read some articles, stories where separating couples claim that they respect and care each other a lot during their brief married life, they don’t have any major complaints against each other in their role playing etc..etc... and still they feel that they don’t have any more sense of love towards each other and wants to be separated as good friends...I could never figure out as how possible such a scenario is?

Love can happen with any one at any point of time. We can be attracted with any one due many great qualities, differing from individual to individual. Not a single person can offer all the attractions to their spouse. But in marriages, the tendencies of sustaining family values, caring for each other and the kids, commitment to one's responsibilities, understanding and compromising, reasonably adjusting & sacrificing are the prime factors that donates true love and compassion and can keep the couples united for a successful/healthy married life, offering true meaning to one's life till the death.

If we argue that duty as true human is different than true love, I would just differ and support my views with my perceptions that, living under one roof as a family is not just a love by attraction but something more precious, that decides and confirms the intimate emotional bondage to keep the family united.

We may lose our physical beauty in the aging process, we may lose our potency in due course of time, we may fall sick during the course of life and there exist many such unexpected, unpleasant eventualities much before acute natural aging. Its only the sense of bondage and intimate emotional attachment that keeps us accepting each other as spouse with no regrets ever.

In my dictionary, LOVE = A sense of intimate emotional attachment.

Off course, people differ, culture differ, perceptions differ...We as individuals got to live our life as we feel, what the life is all about.

--------------------
I could guess who you may probably be as a member in this forum, though am not cent percent sure of it.

ravi,

as one married for 31 years i can relate to those things that you cannot fathom. i guess you are still single or not yet involved seriously with a female. only experience can tell, i think.

we can theoretically imagine these type of attitudes. break up happen, between couples, either acrimoniously or peacefully.

 

[C RAVI]

ravi,

as one married for 31 years i can relate to those things that you cannot fathom. i guess you are still single or not yet involved seriously with a female. only experience can tell, i think.

we can theoretically imagine these type of attitudes. break up happen, between couples, either acrimoniously or peacefully.

Sri Kunjuppu,


I do know and understand the break ups happening between married couples, either acrimoniously or peacefully. All am wondering about is, how the willingness to be seperated occurs to some just for the reason that both or either of the couples do not sense the feel of love towards other, after 10 or even more years of marriege? Does that really happens on such grounds or couples give some false reasoning to the others surrounding them?

 

[Brahmanyan]

Sri Kunjuppu,

I do know and understand the break ups happening between married couples, either acrimoniously or peacefully. All am wondering about is, how the willingness to be seperated occurs to some just for the reason that both or either of the couples do not sense the feel of love towards other, after 10 or even more years of marriege? Does that really happens on such grounds or couples give some false reasoning to the others surrounding them?

Dear Sri Ravi,

True Love is eternal and inborn, it is not just at physical level alone. If this is not understood, meaning of Love differs time to time and people to people and vanishes once the purpose is served.

Married life starts with a lot of expectations on both sides, physical, emotional and economic. After a period of satisfying needs arising out of initial physical infatuation, the second phase of adjustments starts. If both understand each other well and with a lot of give and take, their married life sustains successfully, otherwise the rupture starts with arguments on each small difference and ends with divorce.

I quote hereunder the meaning of the "Manthra" recited in Vedic Marriages, after the "Sapthapathi" which guides the Bride and Groom for successful married life.

"After crossing seven steps with me thus, you should become my friend. I too have become your friend now. I will never discord this friendship and you should not also do that. Let us be together always. Let us resolve to do things in life in the same manner and tread the same path. Let us lead a life by liking and loving each other, having good heart and thoughts, and enjoying the food and our strong points together. Let us have undivided opinions. We will perform the vrithas united. Let us have same and joint desires. I will be Sama (one of the vedas); you will be Rig (another Veda). Let me be the Heaven; you be the Earth. Let me be the Shukla (Moon) and you be its wearer. Let me be the mind and you its spokesman (Vak). With these qualities, you be my follower. You the sweet tongued, come to me to get good male children and wealth."

According to our Dharma married life is a journey to achieve "Dharma, Artha, Kama, Moksha"

Regards,
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.

 

[renuka]

I feel married life is just a phase in our existence and some cases its also a Karmic Debt..so just live it.

There is only One Love but we call it by many names.

read this link...

http://enlighteningminds.webs.com/soulmatestwinflames.htm

 

[renuka]

ravi,

as one married for 31 years i can relate to those things that you cannot fathom. i guess you are still single or not yet involved seriously with a female. only experience can tell, i think.

we can theoretically imagine these type of attitudes. break up happen, between couples, either acrimoniously or peacefully.

Dear Kunjs..

I will summarize your post to Ravi: Kalyaanam Panni Paar!!!!


Dear Ravi..no offense ..I am just being lighthearted here.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear Kunjs..

I will summarize your post to Ravi: Kalyaanam Panni Paar!!!!


Dear Ravi..no offense ..I am just being lighthearted here.

"Kalyaanam Panni Paaru" - This is what I believe every grown up adult come across until one's marriage. I am no exception to have come across this expression, for a long time.

Understanding of some stuffs in life can be only through personal experiences and such experiences most probably differs from one person's to that of others.

Unmarried boys and girls wish for a happy and successful married life in future with his/her partner. They step into this journey of marriage life with a companion, expecting a happy ending. And the course of journey declares whether the journey of the couples is pleasurable or bitter. Whether its smooth and pleasurable or it is not, either for a short period of time or for ever, the couples in question are responsible.

A generalized negative opinion of the opposite gender and ego are the prime factors, leading to detachment. Attitude towards family life, fulfillment of emotional requirements of each other, a sense of importance towards family values, patience, trust and respect for each other can only help sustaining marriage.

Either we have to take the responsibility to secure our marriage (without blaming our better half) or, if we could not take/fail to uphold, blame our fate and move on.

If we don't believe on our Fate/destiny, than we should not give excuses for our separation, being a party into it.

However we discuss on this subject, a individual can know by his/her conscious as up to what one is. Life offers a different and peculiar situation to each of us and we got to manage it with the best of our belief, values, qualities and perceptions.

 

[sarma-61]

Sri Kunjuppu,


I do know and understand the break ups happening between married couples, either acrimoniously or peacefully. All am wondering about is, how the willingness to be seperated occurs to some just for the reason that both or either of the couples do not sense the feel of love towards other, after 10 or even more years of marriege? Does that really happens on such grounds or couples give some false reasoning to the others surrounding them?

Shri Ravi sir,

I am back after a long absence, due to personal reasons. Glad to be back with you all.

It is one of the axioms that a couple do not have any "Love" between them, to start with - immediately after marriage - all that exists is mutual sexual attraction and, if they are nice persons, each will have the empathy for another human being which most people do have. The irony is, this is true even in the case of the so-called "love marriages" where the boy and girl have known and loved each other from their school days even. (In today's conditions, any such long love might even have lost all the sheen, because the pair would have enjoyed all the marital "bliss" surreptitiously )

The differences start when the couple start living together either as part of the boy's (husband's) household or as 'tanikkuDittanam'. In more and more cases these differences only aggravate as time passes. Since the wife today has her job and independent income, she is not under the husband's mercy and divorce happens if the husband is not flexible enough. This is the truth of today's married life.

Recently I got a marriage invitation of a tambram girl. It was written (printed) there that "xyz (name of the boy) -ai pqr (name of the girl)-kku paaNigrahaNam ceytu koLvataay, periyOrkaLAl niscayikkappaTTU..." I felt that this was a true and honest statement of the marriage

In case you are unmarried and desperately want to marry, (and not live as a bachelor) please be mentally prepared to accept your wife as "manaiviyE kaN kaNTa deivam", to live with her and her parents as a dutiful husband.

 

[renuka]

just for adding some humor to this thread:

YouTube - ‪Zor Ka Jhatka Full Song - Action Replay‬‏

 

[kunjuppu]

sarma,

welcome back. good to see you again.

we have lost some active members, hopefully for not too long.

very glad to have some return back to us.

 

[sarma-61]

sarma,

welcome back. good to see you again.

we have lost some active members, hopefully for not too long.

very glad to have some return back to us.

Shri Kunjuppu sir,

I feel flattered by a veteran remembering me. Thank you very much sir.

 

[kunjuppu]

sarma,

i am just a folk like you. no 'veteran' stuff please. thanks.

 

[Brahin]

"Age does not protect us from love, But love to some extent protects us from age."
- Unknown


"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
- La Rochefoucauld

 

[C RAVI]

Shri Ravi sir,

In case you are unmarried and desperately want to marry, (and not live as a bachelor) please be mentally prepared to accept your wife as "manaiviyE kaN kaNTa deivam", to live with her and her parents as a dutiful husband.

Sri Sarma, welcome back...

Doesn't matter if we live with wife's parents or not, doesn't matter if wife is a independent working lady or not, the fact is - "Manaiviye Kan Kanta Deivam"..

Every man and women on this Earth are similar to "ArdhaNarishwar"..."Sivan illaatha Shakthi illai, Shakthi illaatha Sivan illai".

When a man and a woman join together emotionally/mentaly/physically by marriage with a sole motive of leading a life together in a family system, having child to cherish the life, supporting each other through out and having the companionship till the death keeps them apart, for sure Husband and Wife are "Kan Kanta Deivam" for each other.

 

[sarma-61]

Sri Sarma, welcome back...

Doesn't matter if we live with wife's parents or not, doesn't matter if wife is a independent working lady or not, the fact is - "Manaiviye Kan Kanta Deivam"..

Every man and women on this Earth are similar to "ArdhaNarishwar"..."Sivan illaatha Shakthi illai, Shakthi illaatha Sivan illai".

When a man and a woman join together emotionally/mentaly/physically by marriage with a sole motive of leading a life together in a family system, having child to cherish the life, supporting each other through out and having the companionship till the death keeps them apart, for sure Husband and Wife are "Kan Kanta Deivam" for each other.

Shri Ravi sir,

It is all very easy to say such nice-sounding words, but in many cases of tamil brahmin houses - of the lower middle class level - a son is brought up, even now, with the earnest hope that they (sons) will look after the parents in their (parents') old age. Because of such (may be misplaced) hope, the poor parents spend all their income in giving the best of education possible to their children and also provide dowry, ornaments, etc., to the daughters and marry them off. In this process, they are left with nothing for taking care of their old age.

These hopes of the poor parents gets shattered when the dil starts setting the rules and eventually packs them off to some shabby old age home. If you have not come across any such tamil brahmin households, it is your good luck. Try to visit any oah and find out the experiences of the inmates. Then you will come to know.

Rich tabras, NRIs who are prepared to spend on their parents (more as the 'cost' of getting rid of these unwanted nuisances from their heavenly life abroad, and not because they sincerely want their parents) are now taking large houses on rent, appointing servants, etc., and keeping their aged parents in low-cost areas in India. AFAIK, Puducherry (not the urban Pondicherry) is one such spot now. Coimbatore is also picking up. The driving force in such "sham" shows of affection to parents is MONEY.

 

[Brahin]

Sri Sarma, welcome back...

Doesn't matter if we live with wife's parents or not, doesn't matter if wife is a independent working lady or not, the fact is - "Manaiviye Kan Kanta Deivam"..

Every man and women on this Earth are similar to "ArdhaNarishwar"..."Sivan illaatha Shakthi illai, Shakthi illaatha Sivan illai".

When a man and a woman join together emotionally/mentaly/physically by marriage with a sole motive of leading a life together in a family system, having child to cherish the life, supporting each other through out and having the companionship till the death keeps them apart, for sure Husband and Wife are "Kan Kanta Deivam" for each other.

Dear C Ravi,

What you wrote is the ideal picture but in real life this is hardly seen.

 

[C RAVI]

Dear C Ravi,

What you wrote is the ideal picture but in real life this is hardly seen.

Dear Brahin,

I dont think that, you would guess, I dont have the understanding of the real life pictures.

All am saying is that, unless we have/develop the sense of family values, positive thinking in married life, sort out the differences and clear the air, its very hard to live a peaceful and happy family life.

Positive attitude and considerations towards each other with respect and love, having firm belief and trust are the must to live together giving due importance to each other. The responsibilities of sustaing a happy married life is of both the husband and wife.

A individual, atleast got to live, having positive attitudes and values. One can not expect the same from the other. One may be either successful or failure in sustaining a happy family life, but one should not be the reason with his/her wrong perceptions.

Offcourse in ground reality, such things hardly exists...Either both the couple lack the required qualities or one of them.