a family problem may be society`s

[kr subramanian]

Share:

Facebook X (Twitter) LinkedIn WhatsApp Email Share Link

Friends, I bring ina nutshell pathetic condition of my friend`s family which I think you learned people can give some guidance.

My friend aged more than 50 lives with his parents, wife and two daughters and one son. Due to office duty he had to stay away from his family for more than 10 years. (His family was forced to stay back to look after his children and aged parents). But he used to come once in three months and stay for some days.
He returned six months back and is staying with his familyon a permanent basis.He got married his twodaughters. His wife who had silently looked after his parents , has for the past one year turned red to her husband. She has stopped talking to him not to speak off bed relations. She is of the opinon that because of his transfer and staying away from family she had to suffer mentally. My friend who has returned with lot of dreams to stay with his family and eager to get love of his wife is shattered. My request to contact a psychatric was vehementally opposed by his wife. She has a illusion (as she says) that God has requested her not to have relationship with her husband for the well being of the family and presence of God in thehouse.
He is also a brahmin/vegetarian/god fearing. I am afraid that this may lead to drastic step by any one or both. Also neither his parents nor any body in his wife`s family are in a position to convince him/her and advice for a peaceful life.
For the external world he is a ideal brahmin having done his duties (getting his daughters married). Only I am his best friend and his sorrows are poureed on me. Request your guidance

 

[renuka]

I am not a learned person but i can only give you medical advise.
i feel the wife had become "lonely". People can even become lonely even when they are surrounded by children, parents, inlaws and even with the presence of their spouse.
Its not the physical presence but rather the attention which is lacking and hence an individual might feel life is lonely and not worth it anymore.
These individuals at times might form an imaginary condition as a form of escapism.
In your friends wife case she might have made God her form of escapism.
Hence she shuns all forms of wordly and bodily attachment with her husband.
I dont know her age, perimenopausal women can also exhibit indifference towards sexual life.
Is she obese or underweight?
Body weight also affects ones production of estrogens in the female body which can rack havoc on ones emotions.
Maybe your friends wife felt the prime years of her life was not utilized and hence reacting this way.
By the way is your friend trying to make up all those years of lost married life with his wife to fulfill his lost quota? i dont want to sound to explicit here but i hope you understand what i am trying to say.
Your friend could be pushing his wife beyond the limits.
How was your friends wife relationship with her in laws?
Your friends wife and your friend both need to see a marriage counsellor first.
Dont go to a psychaitrists first as she might feel she is being blamed to be mentally unsound.
Make sure she is given enough emotional support and attention and watch out for suicidal tendencies.
I hope my medical advise will help your friend.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear Renukaji, Thank u for your advise. My friend`s wife is not overweight or undrweight. From my wife I could understand that perimenlopausal problem is not there. Regarding looking after in laws she was sincere for the past 15 years. But now a days she has become indifferent but still does her duty. ( In laws are in 90s) She is a working woman and in the office she does her work well. She does not have much friends nor is she seen lazy any time. She had managed to look after the children and office and house admirably.
My friend is not trying to make up the loss but he wants (rather needs )care from her.
His children settled well and their in laws are all so friendly and homely that my friend does not want to cut a sorry figure in front of them. He is really acting in front of them. Regarding counsilling I had plead many times. Eventhough my friend agrees his wife opposes to come. She often says she would prefer divorse rather than going to a counsoller/psychatric. My friend had earlier scolded her for her indifference and then , on my saying, tried to go in her way. But still he has not succeded. NOw a days his house seems to be like a hell (Silent valley) which was once a heaven envied by one and all.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear Sir, Both of them are of same star (Poororuttathi) KUmba Rasi. Presently my friend has Sukra Dasa and in a year or two his wife will be in Kedu Dasa. I had consulted astroleger and hesaid as per their Jathakams there is nothing problematic.

 

[renuka]

dear sir,
Its makes matters worse that your friends wife is a working woman.
Imagine trying to juggle work, inlaws, children all on her own without her husband.
Just try to see from her point of view.
I am going to put a point blank question here.
All these years of staying far way from her, has your friend been faithful entrirely to his wife?
Maybe she suspects something about her husband and waited for daughters to get married and then leave her husband.
Ask your friend this and see.
I am not character assasinating your friend but its just a question from my medical point of view.
If nothing really works may be your friend and his wife can adopt Vanaprashta life style.
I sound blunt in the last sentence but its worth a try.

 

[A SUNDARARAMAN]

Is it due to Planetary positions?

I am not sure but I have some parallel instance here. My son whose star is also Poorattathi is undergoing a similar experience. He is temporarily separated from his wife due to some misunderstanding. Is it because of his birthstar and the present planetary position. I am not all well versed with astrology but it seems persons born under poorattathi star are having some problems these days? If so, when will it end? Pray some Astrologer can indicate solutions.

a.sundararaman

 

[kunjuppu]

krs,

it looks like the wife has been the nurse, maid, caregiver, income provider, mother, home manager and all roles put together to make a house a home.

for several years.

now your buddy, wants her to take care of him too, ie an added burden.

i think your friend better examine his value system. maybe he should start being extra kind, attentive, not demanding of his wife.

maybe, take her out for a holiday, and give her a break from the montonous responsibilities that she has borne. prove to her, that he cares. he has no right to demand anything.

perhaps a quiet two or three weeks, in a resort or beach, away from family and relatives. during this time, your friend, should try to build or mend the bridges of trust, faith, love, regard, affection, and all those things, that he has deprived this woman, for all these years.

woman are not machines, who adjust their size and shape of output, at the instance of a command. they are human beings with feelings, hopes, and need to be nurtured. i think all this is missing out of your friend's marriage. luckily, there may be a chance to recoup, if he sets his pride and கெளரவம் and start behaving sincerely.

i think she has had it enough. from her viewpoint, it is a sad plight, of a exploited woman, all in the name of culture and tradition.

i get very sad when i see such situations, where the husband and his family and insensitive to the needs of the wife/daughter in law. they take her services for granted. poor poor woman

generally, i don't think the idea of husband or wife living away from an institution called family, for professional reasons, a good idea. life is too short. kerala is full of such tragic cases, where the husband is in mid east, and each time he comes home, finds the home a stranger house.

 

[Raghy]

Sri. Kunjuppu said:-

"perhaps a quiet two or three weeks, in a resort or beach, away from family and relatives. during this time, your friend, should try to build or mend the bridges of trust, faith, love, regard, affection, and all those things, that he has deprived this woman, for all these years."

I am not qualified to comment on this thread at all. I am guilty of not taking my wife for a holiday. I planned and wanted to surprise her; but, I was guilty of not enthusiastic about it. She assumed that I was neglecting her and got angry; I don't blame her. I hung on to my ego and a bitter fight was the result. Don't know when it would be resolved.

I am writing this to share my mistake in a similar situation. Sri. K R Subramaniyan, your friend may take his wife for a holiday as Sri. Kunjuppu suggested or may take her to a trip visiting few temples if she so desires.
I assume his wife may be in the 40s. She may be approaching menopause stage. Some women get harmonal imbalances at that stage (there can be excessive bleeding too). Sex would be the last thing in their mind at such conditions. No wonder she does not like to see shrink; she may need to see gynagologist. Just a thought.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear renukaji, TAS I had mentioned earlier he used to come once in three months and stay for 10days. She was happyalso. Only during last year she has changed stating that God is with her and has directed her not to have sex. This was not tolerable to my friend who had come back with all just to compensate his absence. Also now staying in the same house for more than a year and sleeping separately may, I think, frorce my friend to be dishonest to his wife.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear Sir, Taking into account the position in most of houses where husband is in gulf and coming once in a year or two I had given the thread as A FAMIULY PROBLEM MAY BE SOCIETY`S. Regarding outing it is out of question in this case. Neither their relatives are willing nor able to keep the in laws in 90`s.with them. Since my friend is one and only son he cannot seek help from anybody else. As you know the child like wishes of people in 90s it is like a unseeable chain in the legs of his wife.

 

[kunjuppu]

krs,

i understand the situation. your friend owes his wife a lot. please make him understand that. otherwise, he will end up taking care of the parents.

old people are like children. very difficult and cranky. and you get no thanks from them either. and very sensitive. make you feel guilty.

the wife needs a lot of support from your friend. she is the victim here. your friend needs to understand that. if she leaves him today, he is going to be in worse trouble. she will get 1/2 his wealth and rid herself of all the troubles.

the courts are very sympathetic to abused women. hire a good divorce lawyer and she will make him pay for all the years of neglect. atleast, let him start, by having heart to heart chat with her, honest and ask for forgiveness.

 

[Raghy]

Dear Sir, Taking into account the position in most of houses where husband is in gulf and coming once in a year or two I had given the thread as A FAMIULY PROBLEM MAY BE SOCIETY`S. Regarding outing it is out of question in this case. Neither their relatives are willing nor able to keep the in laws in 90`s.with them. Since my friend is one and only son he cannot seek help from anybody else. As you know the child like wishes of people in 90s it is like a unseeable chain in the legs of his wife.

Sri K R subramaniyan,

It seems, your friend's wife really needs a break. Why do you say outing is a problem? Your friend can look after the parents and send his wife even to visit his daughters for a change. If your friend do not know how to look after a person in their 90s, then he should learn; it is not 'rocket science'. No, I am not just mouthing words here. I am in my 50s, I look after aged persons between 72 and 101, 20 of them, 4 shifts a week. (I used to be a Tool Maker/ designer before I made the change in career).

Is your friend looking after his wife's health? Diabetes is very common in India. If she has diabetes, she will be least interested in sex. I mentioned other health defiency possibility too in my previous post.

There is no excuse to be dishonest (besides the risk of communicable dieseases). Sorry sir, your friend may have to seriously consider ways and means to contribute to reduce his wife's burden.

 

[kunjuppu]

further to raghy's message...here are other suggestions

- hire full time help in the house to take care of parents
- let him be the first line of call & support for the parents
- request her to retire from her job if she so choses

overall, i think the problem is one of attitude. your friend appears to be selfish and only thinks of himself and his entitlements.

 

[Nara]

....overall, i think the problem is one of attitude. your friend appears to be selfish and only thinks of himself and his entitlements.

In western culture these problems are dealt with head-on and resolved one way or the other and people move on. I am not saying that is the right way. In our culture, people tend not to discuss these things openly and we try to chug along.

I described the situation and asked my wife for her opinion. She thinks men don't understand women. She thinks this man probably did not show true appreciation for all that the lady has done for him. And then, my wife went on a general indictment of men -- they want whatever they want, whenever they want and when they don't get it, they get upset.

What the lady needs is some understanding and unconditional love, the kind a mother has towards her child. In due course of time, when she is convinced that she is loved and valued, will respond.

Cheers!

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear friends
I hadtalked your views separately to my friend and his wife with out quoting anybody. I give below their replies.
Friends View

I had been in north India for years even in cold climate loyal to my wife. Each penny I had saved without indulging in any bad habit (cig,woman,drinks,drugs)My aim was to get our daughters married in a good way and then have a peaceful life. Do you know despite my everyday prayers God has given long life to my parents. In couple of years desire for sex may come down or wont be there. I only want my wife to share my feelings? Don`t you know that in later part of our life only we two will be there to look after eachother After coming over here I have shared burden of her to maximum extent. But her indifferent attitude only angers me for having spoiling my life even now.
Friend`s Wife`s view
I have silently toiled for his parents and children till date. NOw I only request him to leave me alone in my own way. I have peace of mind and am sure God is with me. I am not ineterested in materialistic life. If he is adamant let him divorce me or I will end my life. Regarding future who can say who will be with whom ?

Request your views

 

[renuka]

So your friend was dishonest with his wife because she refused to sleep with him.
Just imagine if she was dishonest to him because he refused to sleep with her?
Would he even except her even if she is honest enough to tell him.
No one can force anyone to be dishonest, its we who are dishonest to ourselves.
Imagine your friend is putting his wife at risk of Sexually Transmitted Diseases/HIV etc by being dishonest to her.
How important is sex in marriage?
Is sex the only thing holding the fabric of marriage?
Your friend should ask himself this question.
May be your friend and his wife should try being on their own for a short while.
Have certain days where he is alone with no friend,wife, parent, children around him.
She also should have a few alone days once in a while.
When we are alone we can figure out what we really want and realize who we really value and miss in our life.
Ask your friend to go for a medical test first to rule out any Sexually Transmitted Disease/HIV.
HIV is rampant these days its really not worth it to get STD or HIV or even worse spread it to another.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear Renukaji, Please note that my friend has not been dishonest to his wife till date. Heonly explained the circumstances where he was living and how he did not go for sexual pleasure. He was alone for years expect office work . He had self cooked food, washed his own clothes and tried to save money as much possible for his daughters marriage. He could not talk the local language and in holidays he had hardly spoken for five minutes that also to his wife over phone. His life was like that of a saint.

 

[renuka]

Dear KR Subramaniam,

I am very very very sorry for misunderstanding your friend.
When you had said dishonest i thought you meant he was cheating on his wife.
please forgive me.

humbly seeking apology
renuka

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear friends
I hadtalked your views separately to my friend and his wife with out quoting anybody. I give below their replies.
Friends View

I had been in north India for years even in cold climate loyal to my wife. Each penny I had saved without indulging in any bad habit (cig,woman,drinks,drugs)My aim was to get our daughters married in a good way and then have a peaceful life. Do you know despite my everyday prayers God has given long life to my parents. In couple of years desire for sex may come down or wont be there. I only want my wife to share my feelings? Don`t you know that in later part of our life only we two will be there to look after eachother After coming over here I have shared burden of her to maximum extent. But her indifferent attitude only angers me for having spoiling my life even now.
Friend`s Wife`s view
I have silently toiled for his parents and children till date. NOw I only request him to leave me alone in my own way. I have peace of mind and am sure God is with me. I am not ineterested in materialistic life. If he is adamant let him divorce me or I will end my life. Regarding future who can say who will be with whom ?

Request your views

krs,

right now, i think, it is best your friend let his wife be as is.

the very first sentence says it all. taking care of in-laws alone.

coming from our background, i understand the husband's viewpoint and sympathize with him. i think he is a good guy, but operating under narrow mores, that once married, the girl is the chattel of the boy's household.

the woman has lived under these values, because these were drilled into her, and over the years, have accumulated a strong dislike of her circumstances.

the girl of today, i think, would have left him long ago, or would have moved with him to wherever he went, leaving the parents to their own resources (which may not have been bad in the first place).

the truth of the matter, is she took on the roles of both the 'son' and the daughter in law. add to it, the stress of bringing up two girls, a job and generally life in india.

i think your friend still has not understood the depth to which she has sacrificed. to me, these are heroines of yesteryear's gothic novels of rajam krishnan or 'lakshmi'.

your friend, i think, once again, needs to re-evaluate his values and start from the bottom. which he apparently does not want to do due to his 'anger'.

best let them sort it out themselves, and hopefully time, if not proves to be a healer, atleast cauterizes the wounds. best wishes.

 

[pvraman]

Dear Sri KR Subramanian,

You said your friend used to come once in 3 months. Before he returned permanently, did he not find anything different with his wife?, was there not any communication during the last 3 months, before he returned? did he not share his intentions all along before coming or during his visits? If at she withdraws, there could have been some sort of indication either during his previous visits or during the last few months.

I feel its better, if he can use his imaginations and patience and importantly keep a clear line of communication alive without centering around sex, for some time, may pave a way.

Regards

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear pv raman,
My friend has come back last year and he is with his family since then. Six months back of his permanent arrival ( one of his 3months arrival) she had indicated to him that she is possessing God`s gift and that many good things are going to happen in his house and also God will be coming to his house as grand child etc etc. Only one conditionto satisfy for all these was no sex from that day. Not knowing when he will be coming back permanently and also thinking her mood need not be disturbed and taking into account her looking after the house he agreed. He was also thinking that after his arrival he can convince her and lead a happy life. Though to put in a nut shell 20 to 30% of what she predicted happened and she was convinced that they should not have a joint life. After his arrival one year back my friend tried all methods (anger, abusing, requesting , ) in vain. Now he is dejected

Of course his daughters marriage went off smoothly and hehas one grand boy. Both the bride grooms and in laws are all gem of men and in fact we all envied his success. But his other side of life , revealed only to me, forced to think many ways to solve. I did not want to contact locally and bring his condition to lime light and so I thought this , learned friends group of tamil brahmins, can help me to resolve the issue and also help to keep his anonymity. with regards

 

[pannvalan]

Either it is a psychological disorder that stemmed out of disappointment and self consolation. It is but an exercise of self-deception, followed by a delusion of divine command and all.

Or, it is a clever ploy or pretence to avoid him totally for whatever reasons which
require further probing.

As kunjuppu has told, the husband must shed his selfishness and learn to empathise with her pitiable plight, all these years.

As Dr. Renuka has told, many women (no percentage can be fixed) behave this way, during the period of menopause.

Some amount of counselling to both individually may yield results.

 

[kr subramanian]

Dear renukaji, Please do not request for apology. I have great respect to you and in fact keeping you in my mind only I have posted this thread and was glad to note that you have responded first. Our aim is to unite the couple and bring happiness to them. You are all the advisors and I only work as your tool. Please do in future also guide me with your valued thoughts . Requesting once more not to stoop in front of this ignorant man and make me feel ashamed. I am indeed proud that you all have responded to this problem.

 

[renuka]

dear KR SubramanianJI,

is your friends wife following any particular meditation technique?
i knew of an elderly lady who started learning a shortcut meditative technique after being initiated with a mantra from a rather questionable local guru in malaysia.
she started speaking of getting visions of various devas and devis in her house.
started claiming to have curing powers etc.
she was getting unwell but did not seek medical help because she said she had the power and finally died of stage four Cancer Colon.(her deluded state of mind prevented her from realising that she was unwell and cancer went unnoticed)
Just check on this with your friends wife.


From all the input other members have given,i think your friend can also realise where he could have gone wrong not intentionally but may be without even knowing it.

Take care of your friends feelings too.
Man do not easily unload their emotions and can get depression without others knowing which can in turn lead to either violent tendencies or even suicidal tendencies.
Tell your friend its normal even to cry sometimes.
Males also have tear glands.
I had told to a good friend before that even the ultimate male Arjuna had cried.

renuka

 

[kunjuppu]

this case highlights the situation of families where the spouse lives apart from the family in general, and in the mid east in particular.

in the overall interest of the family, and towards building material prosperity, this appears to be the only way.

but care must be taken by both, the live-apart spouse and the stay behind family, to ensure that the bonds are maintained and strenghthened.

nowadays with skype and such free tools, daily communication, to exchange the day's highlights and problems and issues can be exchanged without much effort.

moreover, the time difference between mid east and india is just a couple of hours, so that it does not impose a strain on the normal routines.

also, it is good to take the spouse to the expat place once in a while for a visit, so that he/she too can appreciate the conditions and the adjustings needed by the husband or wife, as the case may be.

what is lost is the day to day somethings and nothings, uttered and muttered, voices raised and lowered, issues and non issues discussed and above all, the feeling of the warm body next to you at night, whether conjugal or otherwise. is this not the essence of
தாம்பத்தியம்?

i think, all these make up the bond of the husband and wife. i thought that this was a distantly removed situation of keralites, most of whom are in lower cadre jobs, and hence moving the wife and family is unaffordable in the mid east.

in situation like this one, with elderly parents, and only sons, perhaps there was no other alternative. i have seen mid east folks who plant their family in canada, for the sake of the kids' university education. but then these children are grownup, and the wife is contantly shuttling between the two places.

but this is a lesson for all of us, to part to our friends or relatives in similar situations ie to take extra care and effort to comfort the spouse back home.

i wish krs' friend and family discussed here well, and may peace be with them.

thank you.