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A Doubt

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SN Sugumar

After my mothers demise my father got married to my mothers younger sister. After my marriage, I started performing thevasam for my mother. Now my sithi (second mother, whom I was adressing amma and performing my duties as her own son, she has three sons and two daughters - we are six) is no more. I was told I should not perform the last rights as I am not her son - biologically, where as my sisters and brothers except one asked me to perform the rights. The Sasthrigal did not allow me. Is it correct that I am not supposed to do the rights? Secondly, Saama Vedikas have the Poonool ceremony coming on 23rd August. Can go to the Temple and change my Poonool or just change it at home? Please let me know. Mail me at [email protected]

God bless you sir, for being so lucky, to have a step mom who was par with your own mom re affection and feelings. She was a great lady, and my heart goes out to you, as you wish to do her last rites.

re the theology angle of it, i do not know.

i would like to comment on one aspect of the human angle, more from life experience. so please treat this as just one view, and perhaps not a correct one either.

you mentioned the feeling that one of your siblings demurred re your doing the last rites. i would heed to that opinion more than anyone else's.

death is a strange phenomenon for those who are left behind.

most of the time we are so shocked and aggrieved. there is neither time nor occassion to think logically, as emotions sway all our actions.

in this context, perhaps your other siblings felt a sense of solidarity or respect towards you and accede to your request to do your sithi's last rites?

again, motherhood is even more emotional. ties of a blood mother, no matter what, have this hairline priority over even the strongestmost other bonds bar one.

i think, sugu, the onus is on you, to further close the hairline and cement your bonds with your siblings. believe me, you will not regret this.

this sibling who disagreed, was perhaps trying to enforce that bond with his biological mother. whereas the others might have been awed of you to talk out their minds?

the others, maybe, are too engulfed in their grief to dissent?

what is your best interests? is it not the sibling love and affection to be maintained. and grew, now that there is no mother to smoothen out any differences?

what if you step aside, and let your next male sibling do the rites?

would it not raise their respect and regard among your brothers and sisters? would it not deepen their affection for you.

i don't think any one of them would feel any less love. only more. please think of LONG TERM...

also, it shuts out any small talk, that may be going on around you that you may be unaware.

ultimately, i think, there are enough poison minds, to start a smoke of doubt and jealousy, with the ever hanging theological sword of damocles always hanging over your head re your proprietariness to this primary role. why give room for such?

in the context of long term bonding and further strengthening your family ties, i think, it is best you let someone perform. be there fully in body and mind, in a supportive role, throughout the functions. you are establishing leadership post motherdom.

you would not have offended anyone, or give cause for any future misunderstanding. the whole family wins. long term too.

to, it is the right thing to do.

i do beg your forgiveness, should any of the above words transgressed your feelings, as i am quite aware of your sorrow and loss.

i wish to reiterate, this is just one view, based on your very brief note. it does not have any intention to hurt anyone.

God Bless.

Dear Sir,
Rituals are rituals . They are not constant . If one son of your
step mother wants to perform and objects your doing then
leave it to him. Forget about rituals they were continuously
changing and there is always an exceptional rule for everything.

But one thing is there .. when you do the ceremonies at KASHI/GAYA
there is one pindam always for the step mother as a rule.
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Sri Seshadrinatha Sastrigal is ex-principal of Sanskrit College Chennai. He is an eminent scholar in sanskrit as well our vedic rites. He is writing in Sakthi Vikatan on a regular basis and answers questions related to such doubts. Please write to him so that he can clarify.

All the best

எண்ணாயிரம் ஆண்டு யோகம் இருப்பினும் கண்ணார் அமுதனை கண்டறிவாரில்லை உள் நாடி ஒளி பெற உள்ளே நோக்கினார் கண்ணாடி போல கலந்து நின்றானே
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To: S N Sugumar, Kunjuppu rightly pointout. As for I am concerned the soul is not going to affected if any one not performing lastrites. You are a luckey person that your sitthi was so good. Don't feel for it, the rites and rituals are just to sastisfy the so called society.
Dear Sugu,

As Mr. Venkatramani has pointed out, you can either ask this question in Sakthi Vikatan or else ask AMR in sakthi vikatan. He might answer you. However, your wish to do the rites would be very well understood by the departed soul. This also indicates how affectionate you were. So donot worry. Whenever you get a chance to visit gaya or Siddhipur in Guajarat (the special place to do rites for the demised mother), you could do the ceremonies.
I fully agree with the views expressed so profoundly by Kunjuppu. It is quite convincing and we should see the spirit of all rituals, strictures than the rites themselves, since it is a long time from evolution, and the whole gamut of things have changed.
Dear Mr. Sugumar..

In my view, at the time of your step mom's funeral the sastrigal will do the sankalpam (with kothras, nakshathram, thithi, etc.) and who's performed the final funeral at the burial ground will probably have the rights of doing karma kariyams and as well as thavasam.

And of course, doing karma kariyam for our ancestors will not have any effect on us. The athmas should get pleased.

Secondly, for poonul you can do it yourself or with a guidance of sastrigal at your home itself.


Dear and respected members,

Greetings from Sugumar.

I send my heartfelt thanks to one and all for having read to my quiery regarding thew rituals after my Mothers rather step mothers demise. I never expected to get so many replies and suggestions. I was expecting some one will read and reply as to what I shoiuld do.

I am moved. Thank you all once again.

Sugu (Can I be referred hence forth as).
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i will take credit for one fraction of the thanks.

thank you for thanking us.

it is the first time that i know of, that it has happened.

hope this helped you somewhat to come up with some decision.

God Bless.

now comes the payback time :)

personally, i would like you to get involved in the forum. for like, there are others with queries and someone of our own kind can relate to it and share their thoughts.

also, please feel free, to express your thoughts in whatever your current spur of the moment thought pauses.

there are not many taboos in this forum.

looking forward to hearing from you soon. and often.

thank you.
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