• Welcome to Tamil Brahmins forums.

    You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our Free Brahmin Community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

    If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact contact us.

A cultural problem

cs19844

Member
The idea of separate life/location for youngsters, especially after marriage, from parents is actually justified. Unlike old days, now youngsters are in a need to perform independently in order to be successful in their career. They need a freedom of mind, with due apologies presence of parents in the same house actually interferes with the freedom of mind for the young generation. This is mainly because of generation difference and youngsters are forced to be conscious about their parents. Parents are generally outdated with their expectations/behavior and our adjustments to them may not be relevant to our times. This is particularly true if one decides to spend his/her entire lifetime with parents. Although it is our responsibility to spend time with them but in reality spending time with them cannot be considered quality time with respect to the youngsters' prospects or growth in present times. Youngsters will always strive to stick to the culture as much as possible and be responsible in every way parents expect them to be at the same time they need some space in order to lead a life with freedom of mind so that it will be easy for them to achieve better in this competitive world.

The youngsters' family have their own way of leading family life that they need privacy in all aspects of life without worrying much about the presence of parents. Let me be frank, even sexual relationship is kind of awkward in a joint family setup. This is one such example and there are many aspects of life that are private and passionate for youngsters. Unlike those days, nowadays profession is more inline with passion and it is important we lead a life full of passion in order to be successful. Passion is not something you switch it on or off at different times. Parents who are well aware of the culture, values and responsibilities should understand that the youngsters are also adults they are also well aware of their responsibilities. It is important they trust their children. Even two houses next door or two adjacent apartments should do good at least there should be a wall between two families and not necessary for the children to move away to a distant location. Unfortunately it is not applicable for many families who cannot afford/ rent a second home, in that case we should be able to appreciate their joint family system after all every one of us are originally from such a system. Also it is not applicable to the people who are in the religion (like archakas and others) and are not typically materialistic, for them joint family system is recommended and absolutely justified.
Do you agree?
 

prasad1

Well-known member
Absolutely 100%.

But there is also reality.
Many parents in their old age are physically frail. Due to financial, and other consideration cannot live alone. A compromise has to be found.

One elderly couple fell in that criteria.
The son and daughter-in-law came up with a solution. They established a "mother-in-law" suite.
An attachment to the main house with separate bedroom, bathroom, and kitchenette.
The parents can lead an independent life but the entire family lives in close proximity.
It helps the parents, to have a separate life but have someone to constantly watch over them, at the same time the adult children can have their own life, but parents are there to help.

Not interfering is an art that one has to learn.
 

cs19844

Member
I think the setup you suggested is still interfering. I would prefer two different houses nearby with the same level of care to the parents. You should understand regardless of parents being an expert in the art of non-interfering their mere presence in the same premises is actually an interference. Well, if you see even in India all parents and children have great intentions but what is bothering is the presence of two families in the same premises. I think you had been in US for long you would have observed the same over there. I am not influenced by the US culture but at least I can see that they are aware of what is important and what is not.
It should be always off-premise care to the parents till death. You should also understand anyone who is an expert in not-interference is the one who is not present in the premises. That's the key to lead a successful/happy family life which also contributes in many ways to other aspects of life including profession. I am trying my best to spread this awareness of everyone.
 
Last edited:

krish44

Well-known member
There are different types of models to choose which is the ideal distance between parents and married

youngsters.

Most young married girls prefer their own parents to be nearby and boys parents [in laws] farther away.

I know many girls settled abroad when they visit india stay with their parents and avoid even meeting in laws.

Very few are objective regarding this matter of distance between youngsters and families.

I am plainly disgusted with the present state of affairs.

Most senior citizens are getting a raw deal.

Will this ever change?"
 

cs19844

Member
The point you are talking is of daughter-in-laws being not very objective and giving preference to her parents compared to in-laws. I agree with that. In my opinion it is the responsibility of the son to address or aware of this issue. So the main culprit is son.
 

krish44

Well-known member
The point you are talking is of daughter-in-laws being not very objective and giving preference to her parents compared to in-laws. I agree with that. In my opinion it is the responsibility of the son to address or aware of this issue. So the main culprit is son.
Since women have become economic entities with decent job and income, men have become less equal to

such women and these women call the shots.They decide at what distance parents and in laws stay.Unless

senior parents/in laws have economic muscle, they cannot do much.
 

tbs

Well-known member
The point you are talking is of daughter-in-laws being not very objective and giving preference to her parents compared to in-laws. I agree with that. In my opinion it is the responsibility of the son to address or aware of this issue. So the main culprit is son.
hi

the survival problem....he has to survive with wife/mom....SAA BHI KABHI BAHU THI....
 

prasad1

Well-known member
I think the setup you suggested is still interfering. I would prefer two different houses nearby with the same level of care to the parents. You should understand regardless of parents being an expert in the art of non-interfering their mere presence in the same premises is actually an interference. Well, if you see even in India all parents and children have great intentions but what is bothering is the presence of two families in the same premises. I think you had been in US for long you would have observed the same over there. I am not influenced by the US culture but at least I can see that they are aware of what is important and what is not.
It should be always off-premise care to the parents till death. You should also understand anyone who is an expert in not-interference is the one who is not present in the premises. That's the key to lead a successful/happy family life which also contributes in many ways to other aspects of life including profession. I am trying my best to spread this awareness of everyone.

I agree with most of the points you raised.
But the cost is important too. And convenience matters.
The family member does not have to make a separate trip to check on the elderly family member. The house maintenance cost is reduced, paying bills is less of a hassle.
The grandchildren can come home after school (in the USA a bus will not go outside the school district).

Krishji point is well taken, in the scenario where parents have separate living arrangement they can decide on the level of financial contribution. The child will have to manage the rest.
 

prasad1

Well-known member
I have a couple of scenarios.

1. The parent is relatively healthy and financially independent:
Should maintain a separate residence.
If the children do not need assistance with household work, the parents can live where ever they want.
It might be convenient if in the same city or nearby.

2. The parent is not healthy.
Should live with a child, maybe in a separate residence, where the child can keep a tab.

3. The parent is not healthy or financially cannot afford it.
If possible should live with a child.

4. The Parent needs extensive assistance:
Should live in an assisted living home preferably near a child.
 

krish44

Well-known member
I have a couple of scenarios.

1. The parent is relatively healthy and financially independent:
Should maintain a separate residence.
If the children do not need assistance with household work, the parents can live where ever they want.
It might be convenient if in the same city or nearby.

2. The parent is not healthy.
Should live with a child, maybe in a separate residence, where the child can keep a tab.

3. The parent is not healthy or financially cannot afford it.
If possible should live with a child.

4. The Parent needs extensive assistance:
Should live in an assisted living home preferably near a child.
Sounds very clinical and well thought out. Thumbs up for the post
 

cs19844

Member
I completely agree. Considering your scenarios.

If affordability is a concern, parents should live with child in all scenarios.
If affordability is not a concern, then parents should maintain a separate residence in all the scenarios.

Ofcourse care and assisted service are all assumed. Separate residence should be preferably nearby in most of the scenarios.
 

Janaki Jambunathan

Well-known member
My சம்பந்தி மாமி has to live with her daughter (my d in l ) because of health issues thrice a week she is on dialysis at Miot about 40 minutes drive when there is no traffic jam from home - On those days she gets up at 4AM gives her a bath breakfast and drives to Miot - waits there for about 4 hours to complete the procedure drives her back home by 12.30 and then goes to her office (1 hours drive in normal traffic conditions) to return home by 8PM If she is away in Bombay officially her sister takes over ! I am amazed at her moral commitment - duty towards her mother ! - I always compliment her and help her not to loose her steam - when her cook and maid are on leave then she has an additional duty to cook On such occasions I take over and they all have food in my flat and the special menu for her mother I deliver it - at her flat in next tower - Today (public holiday) she is free and relaxed and we are going to GRT to by jewels for her and her daughter - It will be my gift for them! We should be helping them to perform the best in their family commitment & career aspirations!

There is no cultural problems in such scenario with me and my d in l !
 

prasad1

Well-known member
My சம்பந்தி மாமி has to live with her daughter (my d in l ) because of health issues thrice a week she is on dialysis at Miot about 40 minutes drive when there is no traffic jam from home - On those days she gets up at 4AM gives her a bath breakfast and drives to Miot - waits there for about 4 hours to complete the procedure drives her back home by 12.30 and then goes to her office (1 hours drive in normal traffic conditions) to return home by 8PM If she is away in Bombay officially her sister takes over ! I am amazed at her moral commitment - duty towards her mother ! - I always compliment her and help her not to loose her steam - when her cook and maid are on leave then she has an additional duty to cook On such occasions I take over and they all have food in my flat and the special menu for her mother I deliver it - at her flat in next tower - Today (public holiday) she is free and relaxed and we are going to GRT to by jewels for her and her daughter - It will be my gift for them! We should be helping them to perform the best in their family commitment & career aspirations!

There is no cultural problems in such scenario with me and my d in l !
What would have been normal, or the usual in olden days is admirable in today's world.
Yes, society and cultures are changing. People have to adjust accordingly.
We still have to depend on some younger relative to take care of in our elder age.

Family as a unit contributes to the welfare of the elderly, sadly in our culture in-law's efforts are not appreciated. Please recognize the effort, however small. Without that recognition, it makes it that much more difficult for your children.
 
Last edited:

cs19844

Member
There are different types of models to choose which is the ideal distance between parents and married

youngsters.

Most young married girls prefer their own parents to be nearby and boys parents [in laws] farther away.

I know many girls settled abroad when they visit india stay with their parents and avoid even meeting in laws.

Very few are objective regarding this matter of distance between youngsters and families.

I am plainly disgusted with the present state of affairs.

Most senior citizens are getting a raw deal.

Will this ever change?"
Your particular case of daughter-in-law may not be objective. But honestly most of the daughter-in-laws would overwhelmingly appreciate my post but still they may not hit 'Like' only for the reason of culture. Everybody paint negative image of daughter-in-laws but no one see the genuine need of them. For son he will be most interested in his profession but for daughter-in-laws family is most important and if that family is not independent, life is actually a disaster for them.
 

renuka

Well-known member
hi

the survival problem....he has to survive with wife/mom....SAA BHI KABHI BAHU THI....
Becos only one wife so wife calls it the shots..if more than one wife..wives wont call it the shots ! Lol( just kidding)
 

naithru

Active member
Agreed. Very interesting JJ and Dr. hi.
As long the bahu takes care of the house, cook, wash,iron and dust. In addition to earning attending office too. This male dominated world, the house is at peace till they get children. And the house holder takes care of them.
The boy has no responsibility and think of taking care of his ( not hers) parents.
 

renuka

Well-known member
Agreed. Very interesting JJ and Dr. hi.
As long the bahu takes care of the house, cook, wash,iron and dust. In addition to earning attending office too. This male dominated world, the house is at peace till they get children. And the house holder takes care of them.
The boy has no responsibility and think of taking care of his ( not hers) parents.

Hi...the fact is no matter what its women who run the house mostly.
and to be honest I feel as a women we are more apt for running the house and we are better than males in multitasking.

Men can help out the heavier work at home like repairs, tending to the garden, getting the cars repaired and serviced.
Thats also part of household duties.

somehow those in my country work things out fairly well..cos there is no wars of the egos.
In india its seems Men Vs Women and Women Vs Men these days.

and also indians tend to meddle in the lives of the children.
so its everyone to blame..too bad...no one knows how to work as a team.

even in a so called joint family its like a TV serial all problems etc cos again its all fight..fight fight.
 

Brahmanyan

Well-known member
I have a couple of scenarios.

1. The parent is relatively healthy and financially independent:
Should maintain a separate residence.
If the children do not need assistance with household work, the parents can live where ever they want.
It might be convenient if in the same city or nearby.

2. The parent is not healthy.
Should live with a child, maybe in a separate residence, where the child can keep a tab.

3. The parent is not healthy or financially cannot afford it.
If possible should live with a child.

4. The Parent needs extensive assistance:
Should live in an assisted living home preferably near a child.
I appreciate the well thought out solution, proposed by Sri Prasad.
As an octogenarian in the fag end of my life, I know how important is the warmth of my son and family . When the family of my son expanded with children, my wife and I, asked our son to build first floor of his liking and lead a happy life of his choice with his family. We continue living in the ground floor. We have single kitchen. Since both my Son and DIL are employed, My wife and I take care of the kids and assist the family to the best of our ability.
Living together in old age certainly requires adjustments due to generation gap.
But it's worth to adjust and live with our own kin, instead of living alone in old age homes.
Human families are continuous process, it survies on love and affection.
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.
 

prasad1

Well-known member
I appreciate the well thought out solution, proposed by Sri Prasad.
As an octogenarian in the fag end of my life, I know how important is the warmth of my son and family . When the family of my son expanded with children, my wife and I, asked our son to build first floor of his liking and lead a happy life of his choice with his family. We continue living in the ground floor. We have single kitchen. Since both my Son and DIL are employed, My wife and I take care of the kids and assist the family to the best of our ability.
Living together in old age certainly requires adjustments due to generation gap.
But it's worth to adjust and live with our own kin, instead of living alone in old age homes.
Human families are continuous process, it survies on love and affection.
Brahmanyan,
Bangalore.
Mr. Bramanyam,
Welcome back.
It has been sometimes since you shared your thoughts in these columns.
I was worried about your well being.
 
Last edited:

Follow Tamil Brahmins on Social Media

Top