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Supporting a young widow/divorcee who is having a girl baby

Andalamar

New member
Me and my husband (aged above 65 years) are brought up in a lower middle class family and now are well settled. Our child also got married and settled in USA. My child and family has no idea of coming back to India for good. We both suffer from loneliness. Of course we engage ourselves in all spiritual activities and make ourselves busy all the time. In spite of all that, we feel we lost something in life and actually want to have a fulfilled life before we attain perumal thiruvadi.

What we are seriously thinking now is to morally support any young girl who is having a girl baby and who has no one to take care. As we are aged, we cannot adopt any child now. Morally supporting - what we mean is to keep that girl with us and financially support her to bring up her child in a decent way. Longing to have a baby child roaming in the house and calling us 'thatha' and 'patti'. Because of our age we cannot take up the upbringing of the child without her mother's support. No strength at this age. So if the mother and child lives with us, we can give the child education, especially spiritual education and to get the child married when she attains age. If the mother is traditionally trained it is added advantage. We are brahmins and strict vegetarians and the girl should be also the same. Longing to live with daughter and grand daughter around.

Can anyone help us in fulfilling this wish of ours? Is it possible first of all? I don't know. I just want to post and see. You may laugh at me for writing this. But only those who have this emptiness in life can understand this.

I am mainly worried of the legal complications involved in this. And no one should take undue advantage and enter the house. Is it possible to get a really deserving dharmik person ? Can anyone advise on the complications involved in this? I am really confused and this loneliness kills me slowly. I thought this site is a reliable source to post this. Awaiting a favorable response.....
 

renuka

Well-known member
Dear Andamalar ji,

But by looking after a young widow with a kid to help fill some time and have a "grandkid" feeling at home, what about the young widow/divorcee?
What about her life? What about her getting re-married?
By playing a role of a "daughter" to you..she loses out to be re-married?
It wont seem fair here..cos its some other person's daughter that has to remain a divorcee or widow just to fill in the loneliness feeling for you...also would she also need to do housework at home?

To be honest...at an old age..its better not to have any other commitment.
Try to live a life as a Vanaprastha and lead it well spiritually.

I dont think its fair to just make a widow or divorcee to not be able to remarry.

If I had a daughter and she was not having a husband anymore I would surely want her to re-marry and have a husband look after her.
So I would not want to deprive another person's daughter the chance to be remarried.

You might feel lonely now..but what about the young widow/divorcee after you are gone?
At least you are with your husband...the widow/divorcee has no man in her life.

Please give up this desire.
It isnt conducive.


If you feel lonely..both you and husband can contact Samskrita Bharati to be trained to help kids learn Sanskrit.
Many seniors even aged 70 above join these classes and then teach kids.

There are many ways to kill time..study something new..time would fly.

May be you can help get a poor widow or a poor divorcee married if you really want to help someone.
 
Last edited:

Andalamar

New member
I definitely and surely didn't mean to spoil a girls life by keeping her with me. I am looking for someone who really don't want to get into married life again. Sorry for not conveying the right message. I always welcome remarriage of such girls.
Yes I and my husband are already doing all that teaching job and spending time spiritually and usefully all the time. In spite of that, this loneliness sometimes kills us. Thats why I asked for a solution. Anyways thanks for your reply. As you said better not to have any more commitments like this again in life. It will lead to attachment and even in my dreams I would never imagine another young girl suffering without husband.

Thank you
 

Balacs

Active member
I definitely and surely didn't mean to spoil a girls life by keeping her with me. I am looking for someone who really don't want to get into married life again. Sorry for not conveying the right message. I always welcome remarriage of such girls.
Yes I and my husband are already doing all that teaching job and spending time spiritually and usefully all the time. In spite of that, this loneliness sometimes kills us. Thats why I asked for a solution. Anyways thanks for your reply. As you said better not to have any more commitments like this again in life. It will lead to attachment and even in my dreams I would never imagine another young girl suffering without husband.

Thank you
Staying at one place leads to boredom and discontentment. If you are reasonably fit, I suggest you travel across the length and breadth of the country visiting temples and other places of interest. This is what I do every quarter. I enjoy it. Mostly it is a solo trip but sometimes, all four of us, that is including my son and daughter go on trips for periods varying between 3 to 10 days. Today, 19th December, 2019, I am going on a solo trip to Kerala and South Karnataka to visit various temples. My wife needs to be at home till such time my daughter who is working and who is scheduled to get married next year sets up her own establishment. I do not have much activity except for going to the nearby park, swimming for an hour everyday and doing some household work. If you plan to visit places in North, West or Eastern India, some knowledge of Hindi is helpful.
 

Andalamar

New member
Thank you Balacs
We do travel on pilgrimage a lot. Almost seen interesting places in and around. Now physically I am not fit to go for long travels. Anyways thanks for the suggestion.
 

renuka

Well-known member
I definitely and surely didn't mean to spoil a girls life by keeping her with me. I am looking for someone who really don't want to get into married life again. Sorry for not conveying the right message. I always welcome remarriage of such girls.
Yes I and my husband are already doing all that teaching job and spending time spiritually and usefully all the time. In spite of that, this loneliness sometimes kills us. Thats why I asked for a solution. Anyways thanks for your reply. As you said better not to have any more commitments like this again in life. It will lead to attachment and even in my dreams I would never imagine another young girl suffering without husband.

Thank you
Dear Andamalar ji,

Thank you for giving a detail response.
But then again..sometimes a new divorcee or a new widow might feel that they dont want to get married again but after a few years they could actually desire to marry again..hence my opinion was not to really tie down anyone.

Sometimes getting a pet helps too..a loving dog is always a good companion ..honestly its easier looking after a puppy than a human kid when we are older.
Get active hobbies that require group effort if you are really into groups.

But after certain age most of us like to enjoy the me alone time cos one can really focus on self growth and get less involved with others.

My best suggestion is study something new...study a new language..something totally out of your comfort zone....try learning some new skill..may be try a new simple musical instrument etc.

To be honest it isnt easy to be living with a new adult in your house.
What if any difference and fights happen?
Its bound to happen..and kids can be noisy too..

Old age is to have peace..kids are nice to play..nice to hold but when they start to make noise..kick a fuss etc..as an older person its not easy to tolerate.
Only younger persons can tolerate a noisy kid..older ones usually like to play with kids as a toy.

Also..you could have different parenting skills from the young widow/divorcee and surely difference would crop up due to generation gap and surely you would not want Mega Serial Drama fights to happen.

Right now..your life is peaceful...just that you wish you had some company....let company be outside of the house and meet people on and off..but keep your home free from anyone else..believe me its not easy to adjust to people from a different generation.
 

Balacs

Active member
Having a dog is a very good idea but unlike Mumbai where pets can stay in apartments, in Tamil Nadu you need to have an independent house to keep pets. If you are planning to keep a dog, make sure you have a dog which can take care of your security as well as provide comfort. I am a dog lover but cannot keep one since I stay in an apartment. Breeds to consider are the Golden Retriever, Labrador and the German Shepherd commonly known as Alsatian. Proper training needs to be provided so that it does not enter specific rooms and also obeys specific commands. If you have a driver, he can prepare and provide the dog proper food and exercise. Dogs also need to be taken out for walks, bathed and brushed and taken to a vet to be spayed, neutered, regular nail clippings and health check-ups.
 

Jaykay767

Well-known member
If you are living in an independent house, then you can rent out the first floor or a portion of the house to a good vegetarian family with kids.

This way, you will have no legal issues, but you will have someone to talk to and also have kids around your house.
 

Jaykay767

Well-known member
In most cases, I have seen the renters helping in an emergency, accompany you for shopping, hospital etc..visits.
 

tbs

Well-known member
hi

try to help/volunteer local old age homes /orphan children homes....spend some time with orphon children...

if you much more...try some veda patasala students.....which will more helpful financially/materially to needy

students...just my suggestion...i have seen volunteering is the BEST concept in american tradition especially in USA..
 

a-TB

Well-known member
Me and my husband (aged above 65 years) are brought up in a lower middle class family and now are well settled. Our child also got married and settled in USA. My child and family has no idea of coming back to India for good. We both suffer from loneliness. Of course we engage ourselves in all spiritual activities and make ourselves busy all the time. In spite of all that, we feel we lost something in life and actually want to have a fulfilled life before we attain perumal thiruvadi.

What we are seriously thinking now is to morally support any young girl who is having a girl baby and who has no one to take care. As we are aged, we cannot adopt any child now. Morally supporting - what we mean is to keep that girl with us and financially support her to bring up her child in a decent way. Longing to have a baby child roaming in the house and calling us 'thatha' and 'patti'. Because of our age we cannot take up the upbringing of the child without her mother's support. No strength at this age. So if the mother and child lives with us, we can give the child education, especially spiritual education and to get the child married when she attains age. If the mother is traditionally trained it is added advantage. We are brahmins and strict vegetarians and the girl should be also the same. Longing to live with daughter and grand daughter around.

Can anyone help us in fulfilling this wish of ours? Is it possible first of all? I don't know. I just want to post and see. You may laugh at me for writing this. But only those who have this emptiness in life can understand this.

I am mainly worried of the legal complications involved in this. And no one should take undue advantage and enter the house. Is it possible to get a really deserving dharmik person ? Can anyone advise on the complications involved in this? I am really confused and this loneliness kills me slowly. I thought this site is a reliable source to post this. Awaiting a favorable response.....
Just one issue I find with your request.

Loneliness is an experience because of our inability to deal with the world as it is.

Your solution to your loneliness is ti find a young mother with a child for your pleasure to play a grand parent. OK, fine. But why do you insist that the person has to be a Tamil Brahmin??

I can understand if you want them to be a vegetarian (at home at least). If they are not of TB caste will they not be source of friendship? I think your loneliness has more to do with caste based thinking I am sorry to say,.

If you are open to anyone decent and willing to be vegetarian at your home that would expand your ability to find what you are looking for. Or you can adopt an orphan regardless of caste and then hire a nanny to raise the child.

Open your heart to examine these possibilities.
 

renuka

Well-known member
Just one issue I find with your request.

Loneliness is an experience because of our inability to deal with the world as it is.

Your solution to your loneliness is ti find a young mother with a child for your pleasure to play a grand parent. OK, fine. But why do you insist that the person has to be a Tamil Brahmin??

I can understand if you want them to be a vegetarian (at home at least). If they are not of TB caste will they not be source of friendship? I think your loneliness has more to do with caste based thinking I am sorry to say,.

If you are open to anyone decent and willing to be vegetarian at your home that would expand your ability to find what you are looking for. Or you can adopt an orphan regardless of caste and then hire a nanny to raise the child.

Open your heart to examine these possibilities.
?????

Its as if you are accusing a person of being a casteist??

Everyone has a preference in life as who they want to share their house with.
That does not make one caste conscious.

Mostly people prefer someone who is from the same wave length or mindset becos its easier to get along.

A home is a private space, one has the right to choose who shares it with them.

For me if I want someone to share a home with me..the person has to be very much like me in terms of life style and wave length...in my country this criteria would not involve caste becos no one has any issue with caste here..but there would be other criteria that has to match.


Again I dont think Andamalar Ji was wrong to state her views partly becos its a TB forum so she was merely stating her preferences which would be accepted by the majority.

I am not a TB yet I never viewed her request as being caste conscious..I am surprised you viewed it that way when ONCE UPON a time I thought you had written a post and mentioned that those who are NOT from TB community need not answer!

If you had a preference as who should share your cyberspace for an answer..I am sure Andamalar Ji has every right to decide who shares her home.
 

prasad1

Well-known member
I definitely and surely didn't mean to spoil a girls life by keeping her with me. I am looking for someone who really don't want to get into married life again. Sorry for not conveying the right message. I always welcome remarriage of such girls.
Yes I and my husband are already doing all that teaching job and spending time spiritually and usefully all the time. In spite of that, this loneliness sometimes kills us. Thats why I asked for a solution. Anyways thanks for your reply. As you said better not to have any more commitments like this again in life. It will lead to attachment and even in my dreams I would never imagine another young girl suffering without husband.

Thank you
You are doing all you can do, be happy with that.
Why would you want to take on more responsibility now in your golden years?

We are in a similar situation, and occasionally feel we could provide foster care. In the USA the government and courts sometimes require adults to supervise some minors. But the enormous responsibility is daunting.

So instead we just contribute to some organization or cause in this effort and avoid taking responsibility for ourselves.

We also must judge our motives, as opposed to that of other people involved. Our selfish interest must not come against the interest of other parties.

What if the child and mother do not agree with your values. Let us say they are "ideal" till they move in and then change, what is the recourse?

Be Happy with what you got.
Hope this helps.
 
The moment one want to help itself is a great service. I admire in the old age thinking of helping as many would like to donate and keep quiet. Further bringing the child with values, is still a great thing. So let us appreciate this idea and help them find ing some one in need as Brahmin community slowly losing values that to under these circumstances conversion, Marry in other castes latter suffer due to conditions of food habits and living. Let us support the helping tendency of anyone without asking any further or thinking of an issue or restrictions, freedom to live etc.
Dr G Ananthapadmanabhan
 

NRV

Member
Me and my husband (aged above 65 years) are brought up in a lower middle class family and now are well settled. Our child also got married and settled in USA. My child and family has no idea of coming back to India for good. We both suffer from loneliness. Of course we engage ourselves in all spiritual activities and make ourselves busy all the time. In spite of all that, we feel we lost something in life and actually want to have a fulfilled life before we attain perumal thiruvadi.

What we are seriously thinking now is to morally support any young girl who is having a girl baby and who has no one to take care. As we are aged, we cannot adopt any child now. Morally supporting - what we mean is to keep that girl with us and financially support her to bring up her child in a decent way. Longing to have a baby child roaming in the house and calling us 'thatha' and 'patti'. Because of our age we cannot take up the upbringing of the child without her mother's support. No strength at this age. So if the mother and child lives with us, we can give the child education, especially spiritual education and to get the child married when she attains age. If the mother is traditionally trained it is added advantage. We are brahmins and strict vegetarians and the girl should be also the same. Longing to live with daughter and grand daughter around.

Can anyone help us in fulfilling this wish of ours? Is it possible first of all? I don't know. I just want to post and see. You may laugh at me for writing this. But only those who have this emptiness in life can understand this.

I am mainly worried of the legal complications involved in this. And no one should take undue advantage and enter the house. Is it possible to get a really deserving dharmik person ? Can anyone advise on the complications involved in this? I am really confused and this loneliness kills me slowly. I thought this site is a reliable source to post this. Awaiting a favorable response.....
Great thinking. Sure you will be able to get some concrete solution from this forum. Keep thinking positively by keeping faith in God. Tomorrow, i.e 24th Dec 2019 I am going to Goshala of Sankara madam West Mambalam to feed cows ( Maha Periyaval.s birth star Anusham and will pray for you
 

a-TB

Well-known member
?????

Its as if you are accusing a person of being a casteist??

Everyone has a preference in life as who they want to share their house with.
That does not make one caste conscious.

Mostly people prefer someone who is from the same wave length or mindset becos its easier to get along.

A home is a private space, one has the right to choose who shares it with them.

For me if I want someone to share a home with me..the person has to be very much like me in terms of life style and wave length...in my country this criteria would not involve caste becos no one has any issue with caste here..but there would be other criteria that has to match.


Again I dont think Andamalar Ji was wrong to state her views partly becos its a TB forum so she was merely stating her preferences which would be accepted by the majority.

I am not a TB yet I never viewed her request as being caste conscious..I am surprised you viewed it that way when ONCE UPON a time I thought you had written a post and mentioned that those who are NOT from TB community need not answer!

If you had a preference as who should share your cyberspace for an answer..I am sure Andamalar Ji has every right to decide who shares her home.



What I wrote can be understood only with broadness of mind.

The issue for the specific request is due to feelings of loneliness. That is a human condition. Such a condition can be solved by the company of any child because a child does not know it has a caste. By opening the net the opportunity to solve the loneliness problem is higher. That is what I was saying.

Let me use another example

Imagine if a person is sick and only a lady doctor is available on a given day. If a person out of wrong thinking insists on seeing a Male Doctor of a certain caste, they are not addressing the needs of the body sickness due to insistence of the caste of a Doctor.

The example cited is no different.

There is no need to advertise I am a TB or Not a TB in this discussion. That is not relevant. Being not a TB or of certain height and weight are all equally irrelevant to speaking with an open mind

If I wanted to know the specifics of Italian culture and ask that those who have direct experience only respond, that is not exclusion based on any caste, creed etc. Confusing this is also a sign of not having an open mind.

I dont think what I have said will resonate , so I will leave it here as is. Mind has to be open to appreciate what is said
 
If it is on caste base also no problem as everyone is taken broadly by caste base and government too helps all others leftout are only few castes. Further in old age people long for company if similar caste people they get, adjusting may not be a problem as they lived of a long time in particular value system . However the positive side of it one should see is helping and i salute them for this
 
I definitely and surely didn't mean to spoil a girls life by keeping her with me. I am looking for someone who really don't want to get into married life again. Sorry for not conveying the right message. I always welcome remarriage of such girls.
Yes I and my husband are already doing all that teaching job and spending time spiritually and usefully all the time. In spite of that, this loneliness sometimes kills us. Thats why I asked for a solution. Anyways thanks for your reply. As you said better not to have any more commitments like this again in life. It will lead to attachment and even in my dreams I would never imagine another young girl suffering without husband.

Thank you
You are absolutely right and there are many don't once again to get married, rather want to grow their kids well. So such people will thankfully stay with you. You will get when you visit any of the Hindu mission or hindu orphanage, you will find people in need
 

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