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seniors home for my aged parents

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Hi Everyone,

I am looking for an old age home for my parents who are 83 & 73. We have been hunting for a good home. If the facilities are good the food is not good and vice versa. Also, most of the homes are asking for an exorbitant deposits.

Could anyone kindly suggest a good home with all facilities and mainly without garlic and too much onion in the food.

I am really so stressed out because of my parents who are in Chennai and I am in Canada. They are suffering a lot and for the time being they are in my aunt's house where they are very unhappy.

Thank you all and I will appreciate if any one of you could kindly suggest a good home.

Jayashree
 

kr subramanian

Active member
Taking into account your conditions I think it will be convenient for you to purchase /rent a house at chennai with a home nurse/cum/maidservant who can cook and look after the parents.
 

kiruku

Member
Hi,
I had carried out some investigations on this topic a long time ago.
As I understood, the situation is:
-- Better to move into aged homes (as a couple) when you are relatively healthy. Gives time to build friendships and also many of the big names were not interested in people, who needed medical attention (if you are looking for houses/apartments to lease from them). Obviously, the money demanded was high.

My understanding is that a number of professional nurses (live-in) are available for a reasonable (cheap by overseas standards) price and so, it may be better to have an inhouse nurse & cook (given the circumstances).

your aunt may keep an eye on the situation on your behalf.

Good luck!
 

RVR

Well-known member
Hi Everyone,

I am looking for an old age home for my parents who are 83 & 73. We have been hunting for a good home. If the facilities are good the food is not good and vice versa. Also, most of the homes are asking for an exorbitant deposits.

Could anyone kindly suggest a good home with all facilities and mainly without garlic and too much onion in the food.

I am really so stressed out because of my parents who are in Chennai and I am in Canada. They are suffering a lot and for the time being they are in my aunt's house where they are very unhappy.

Thank you all and I will appreciate if any one of you could kindly suggest a good home.

Jayashree

Madam,

We have recently formed a trust for our community details could be seen in the following weblink

http://www.tamilbrahmins.com/genera...ana-dharma-kaikarya-charitable-trust-3-a.html

We are willing to help your parents to the best possible extent through our trust. We require more details about the requirement and if it could not be disclosed publicly, please send a personal message.

1. Do you want accommodation/support for your parents only in Chennai? Is any other alternate place ok?

2. How much is your monthly budget?

3. What is the standard of facility expected?

We shall depute some of our trust volunteers to visit your parents frequently and see that their needs are met.

We can think of helping your parents on self financing basis.

All the best
 

kunjuppu

Well-known member
i have sent you a p.m. with good leads. best wishes. i can understand how you feel...

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for an old age home for my parents who are 83 & 73. We have been hunting for a good home. If the facilities are good the food is not good and vice versa. Also, most of the homes are asking for an exorbitant deposits.

Could anyone kindly suggest a good home with all facilities and mainly without garlic and too much onion in the food.

I am really so stressed out because of my parents who are in Chennai and I am in Canada. They are suffering a lot and for the time being they are in my aunt's house where they are very unhappy.

Thank you all and I will appreciate if any one of you could kindly suggest a good home.

Jayashree
 

B.Krishnamurthy

Active member
The problem focussed in this thread will be felt by all foreign based indians who have aged parents in india.Most of the aged persons find it extremely difficult to stay with their wards in foreign countries.It is better if they give considerable attention in the beginning and chalk out plans in advance so that they may not have any difficulty when they face a similar situation.
In one of my journeys from CHENNAI to NEWDELHI, I was talking with a middle aged lady travelling.She informed me that her husband was employed in USA for 10 years or so,
in Europe another few years.As he was having aged parents in Chennai, he accepted the post of VICE-PRESIDENT in H.C.L (HINDUSTHAN COMPUTERS),NEW DELHI and settled down in VASANT VIHAR area of NEW DELHI making frequent trips to see parents in Chennai.The Ladies mother-in-law passed away leaving behind F-I-L aged 85 years.
The gentleman left the good job in NewDelhi joined an ordinary job in Chennai to look after his father.The lady took admission for her son in Padma Seshadri School and proceeding to DELHI to vacate the house before moving to Chennai.
So it is better to have advance planning.
 
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kr subramanian

Active member
The problem is faced by INdians residing here also. Resident Indians position is still grave. They are not in a position to get good salary to look after parents by keeping maid servant etc. They are also not in a position to take parents with them as they are forced to give more importance/care to the next generation ie their children. A person working in Mumbai and having parents at Chennai has either to leave his wife and children to look after the aged parents or to take all of them with him witha HEADACHE PILL daily. If his wife is employed it will add his problem.
 

RVR

Well-known member
There is a possibility of building senior citizen complexes near Chennai. I am already having mandate to build complexes on self financing basis. One place is about one hour drive from Tambaram - South of Chennai and another same one hour north of Chennai. Land is already available at both the places.

We can employ brahmin cooks and support senior citizens with medical facilities. The complex is meant for all Hindu vegetarians. The complexes will be run by a charitable institution without any profit motive.

Those who are interested can contact me either through this forum or through personal messages.

All the best
 

Brahmanyan

Well-known member
Seniors home for my aged parents

The problem focused in this thread will be felt by all foreign based Indians who have aged parents in India.Most of the aged persons find it extremely difficult to stay with their wards in foreign countries.It is better if they give considerable attention in the beginning and chalk out plans in advance so that they may not have any difficulty when they face a similar situation.............

Dear Sri Krishnamurthy,
As an octogenarian myself, I concur with your analysis of the problem of Old Age parents. All the money and physical comfort provided outside homes will not replace the happiness and warmth that we derive out of living amongst our own children and grand children. At the fag end of our life we realise the need of precious love of dear ones for whose welfare we spent all our active years of life.

I do understand that times are changing. I am only sorry our generation of Brahmins have forsaken all the good old values of joint family when we turned to urban life style. Time only could tell what we have done is correct or not.

Honestly I sympathise with the Lady in Canada who is searching for old age Home for her dear parents. I wish her parents get suitable accommodation soon with the help of good souls like Sri RVR.

Regards,
Brahmanyan.
 

kunjuppu

Well-known member
It is always poignant to read the lament of old parents. This is yet another winds of change that was started about 50 years ago and we are sowing what we reaped. I do not know if in hindsight, we would have not pushed our children so hard to succeed, and instead readjusted their priorities so that they could have stayed back in india and be by their parents’ side.

Here are what I would consider some self help steps

- do not consider that living with your india aboded daughter a shame. Usually living with the daughter is easier, as mother daughter bond well; not necessarily so between dil/mil. The sils usually do not care as long as the food is laid out at the right time

- even in india, do not plan to move in with the son or daughter immediately after marriage. If the son lives with you, encourage him to move away somewhere near by. Let them have some privacy and learn to adjust to each other without your constant presence and ‘advice’. ‘advice’ need not be verbal. Many a times actions speak louder than words

- do not have self pity. These are circumstances of life which happen without your control. If there is disappointments, so be it. Let it not sink to self pity, for then others hear it and it goes into a spiral of sorrow and depression. Avoid it

- make new friends preferable younger. Friends are by choice and the larger the number of folks who think like and appreciate you, the better your social life. Nowadays with cyber clubs, you don’t even need to leave home to find company

- chose friends carefully. Avoid those with anger and hidden agenda. Avoid extremism of all kinds particularly the socio religious ones. These play on the basest feelings of caste or hindutva, and ultimately become mentally cancerous to your mind. Most of these spread the poison and escape the consequences. You don’t need such folk. you are an easy prey for those with anger.

- right friends are those with a cheerful attitude to life, an open mind, curiosity, somewhat religious, spiritual, fun loving and above all warm. A warm person is an eternal delight. Seek these out, and you will never regret

- friendship is a two way treat. We have been provided with two ears and only one mouth. So hear out folks as much as you speak to them

- use skype to talk to your own family regularly. It is a time of every day to look forward to. If not your son, or dil catch the grand children or even the maid. It is a good feeling that you are doing something to maintain the bonds, and also to send a message that you care to your son or daughter’s busy busy schedule

- do not isolate yourself in a small village or ancestral home. Personally I will move to Chennai. There are colonies of such people with children abroad. There is a lot to exchange with these folks.if you can afford it, move into these fully furnished boarding homes. There is no shame in that. also it makes life easier for your children, when they come to see you. they are dead tired when they land in Chennai, and another lap, is yet a sap on their energy – energy that they would rather spend with you

- do not lament for the joint family system. There were many ills in it. If it was that great it would have survived. It served a purpose once upon a time. Its time has come, like the valve radios,and had to be discarded

- do not imagine that life with children and grand children is all panacea. I know of many grandparents who would gladly exchange all that to be just left alone in peace and cooking just for themselves.

- Have a positive attitude in life. There are lots of things to be proud of. You have brought up children into this world, and contributed to their success. Instead of rejoicing in it, to bemoan and complain does not behoove of good parenting. It smacks of selfishness and above all insecurity.

- Do not make your children feel guilty. They probably feel bad as it is that you are old and away. Just remember that their success was in no small measure due to your fillip and encouragement and drive to succeed. They just maximised their opportunities and for heaven’s sake don’t try to turn back the clock at the 12th hour.

- Do not request them to come back. In fact actively desist it, even if there is an offer coming. You will feel better for it eventually. And you will not disrupt a life that they have carefully built in their youth.

- If you truly loved your children, and they truly loved you, they are always within you. otherwise they never were, whether you live under the same roof, or 10,000 miles away.
 

RVR

Well-known member
I wish people plan for their retirement well in advance.

I am seeing joint family concept working beautifully in other than brahamin families where as mostly brahmin families are coming out of joint family concept.

When both the son and daughter in law going for job, the older couple are the best to take care of the children. One problem may come at Daughter in Law mind that children are more attached to grand parents particularly Mother in Law. If grand parents particularly MIL shows maturity, it could be avoided.

If all the elders think about the children, definitely they will go for joint family concept.

Another important point is the savings of the retired people. If retired people have some asset in the form of a flat or house in their name, the DIL cannot throw out his father & mother in laws just like that because the house belongs to them. Asset plays an important role in the life of retired people.

Suppose the son got migrated to a foreign country and if he cannot take aged parents along with him to that country, then the elderly people can think of going for community life instead of old age homes. They can migrate to rural areas where their community members are living in large numbers so that they cannot feel that they are isolated from the society. I have seen in Kerala where lot of elderly people retired from Mumbai and other places living near their relatives places off course at an arms distance. They meet regularly almost twice daily and analyse political & other news passing their time.

Personally I am in the late fifty and I would like to spend my time in social work after full retirement. As long I can help the society, I would like to continue my work and will think about going with the children only after that stage.

All the best
 

kunjuppu

Well-known member
RVR,,

If I may further develop on the need of financial security for the parents in old age. The children at the age of starting/building the family, are probably stretched to the limt. The last thing they need is to take care of a financially irresponsible parents who are a drain on their funds.

Having said that, I would like to emphasize that financial planning is no easy matter. People who live on pension would be the hardest hit. There is inflationary pressues and above all big drains on savings are daughters’ marriages.

But it need not always be so. If you have a working daughter, she should pay for her own wedding. To confess, my wife paid for the entire wedding expense 30 years ago, when incomes were not high like today, and she was a personal assistant to an executive. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Continue to work. There is no reason that once retired at 55 or 58, that one should hang up the suit and take it easy. Nowadays life expectancy to the 80s appear to be increasingly the norm in our community. So there is 20 years or more of living and one should atleast give more than a passing thought as to how this should be funded.

The good fact is that whatever one earns post retirement can be direct saving, thus enabling a savings pool to rise rather quickly. On a side note, in Canada, where parents are allowed to immigrate based on relationship to the son/daughter, the happiest seniors are those where the father immediately seeks a job. Due to the dignity of labour, and the fact that this is a new country to live, people take the most mundane of jobs like parking car attendents or security cards, get the minimum wage of $10 per hour and work for 30 hours a week. Which makes it to $300 per week to about $15k per annum, a handsome supplement and pocket money, to be used at discretion and for gift purchases.

The children and grandchildren look forward to grandpa’s gifts during annual gift giving time (xmas or diwali) and unfortunate to say, the constant flow of money and contribution to budget, goes a long way, in greasing out the sticky fit in the gears. The fact of current day life.

I have also found, that it is good to live near the children is better. I see great arrangements in india, with some of my relatives, where the elderly mother lives one floor above and has her own household. Meals are exchanged both ways depending on the convenience, but there is a level of independency which goes a long way in tolerating relationships esp between mil and dil. This living close by has another point in its favour..at a point when more care is needed and one needs to move in with the children, there is no great adjustment or ‘shock’.

I think it is best to think all this through for these are critical life matter. I wish to emphasize I that I am not advocating any system over the other or denigrating the joint family system, especially those with traditional values. Please do whatever suits you. I am talking about some realities of the day that I have faced, and to my surprise, my relatives in india face too.

No matter what old ageing is but a poignant period of our lives. We are aware of the curtains closing, but it is upto us, God willing, to manage our life with ourselves in control as long as possible, on our terms, than being at the mercy of a son or daughter, however kind or affectionate, caring they may be.
 
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