Of love and relationships ANUSHA PARTHASARATHY

[prasad1]

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Usha Ramakrishnan’s book Rise In Love deals with the sensitive subject of teenage romance


When Usha Ramakrishnan realised that education and life were two completely different things, she discovered the importance of imparting life skills to youngsters in colleges and schools. This also led her to write Rise In Love —An Eye-opener On Teenage Romance. The book was launched in the city recently.
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The first chapter, for instance, is about self-love. “When we are not confident about ourselves, how do we fall in love,” asks Usha. “These days, college students, some coming from small towns and other cities are faced with an unfamiliar city and place. On top of this is peer pressure. They must first learn about themselves. In another chapter, I talk about disciplining one’s life and how those choices will help one choose better partners.”
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Of love and relationships - The Hindu

 

[krish44]

View attachment 3363Usha Ramakrishnan’s book Rise In Love deals with the sensitive subject of teenage romance


When Usha Ramakrishnan realised that education and life were two completely different things, she discovered the importance of imparting life skills to youngsters in colleges and schools. This also led her to write Rise In Love —An Eye-opener On Teenage Romance. The book was launched in the city recently.
.....................
The first chapter, for instance, is about self-love. “When we are not confident about ourselves, how do we fall in love,” asks Usha. “These days, college students, some coming from small towns and other cities are faced with an unfamiliar city and place. On top of this is peer pressure. They must first learn about themselves. In another chapter, I talk about disciplining one’s life and how those choices will help one choose better partners.”
..............
Of love and relationships - The Hindu

It appears one has to be taught to rise? in love. Teenage romance is being regulated by this lady. what a foolish idea. It appears to be a ready made recipe to choose a partner. where does love come in this ? this lady should told to let go of herself and fall in love without calculating profit and loss

 

[sravna]

Dear Shri Krish,

Though I agree with you that love has to come from within , it is also true that we can learn to make right decisions regarding the choice of a partner systematically. Emotions always happen spontaneously but by learning some necessary steps and following them in a disciplined way one can to an extent control such emotions and probably make a better choice.

 

[prasad1]

As the head of an educational institution I feel that every school and
college in the country must get this book for their libraries.
Developing healthy relationship with the opposite sex is indeed the
greatest challenge human beings need to negotiate with aplomb to lead a
peaceful life.
from: S.Ramakrishnasayee
Of love and relationships - The Hindu

 

[renuka]

It appears one has to be taught to rise? in love. Teenage romance is being regulated by this lady. what a foolish idea. It appears to be a ready made recipe to choose a partner. where does love come in this ? this lady should told to let go of herself and fall in love without calculating profit and loss

Dear Krish ji,

I agree that we can never teach anyone to rise or fall or plateau in love.

Love is like a finger print its so individualized....no 2 people have the same experience.

Love is a game where 2 can play and both can lose or both can win.

Some people are addicted to the initial high of falling in love and we see these types of people "falling in love" over and over again.

So when it comes to love..dont think too hard..enjoy the love feeling..dont complicate things by thinking of marriage!LOL


The closest I can think of describing the feeling of falling in love is this song.


[video=youtube_share;3uxe_dAKjrM]http://youtu.be/3uxe_dAKjrM[/video]

 

[prasad1]

I agree that we can never teach anyone to rise or fall or plateau in love.

Renukaji,
You say we can not teach love and in the next breath you are suggesting watching a movie clip, what is that if not teaching. I do not think we are born with knowledge of the art of love. Love is a learned phenomenon. For instance in the book she talks of "self love", if parents do not bring up the children with love and the child experiences only rejection in early years they start to hate themselves and the society at large. Jail houses of people like this.
We have to build up the confidence of the children, so that they can love who they are. Once they are confident then only they can express love towards others.

 

[renuka]

Renukaji,
You say we can not teach love and in the next breath you are suggesting watching a movie clip, what is that if not teaching. I do not think we are born with knowledge of the art of love. Love is a learned phenomenon. For instance in the book she talks of "self love", if parents do not bring up the children with love and the child experiences only rejection in early years they start to hate themselves and the society at large. Jail houses of people like this.
We have to build up the confidence of the children, so that they can love who they are. Once they are confident then only they can express love towards others.

Dear Prasad ji,

I am not teaching anyone yaar..you see that song is just an example how falling in love feels..I have seen guys climb over cars too like in that song..go down on their knees on the middle of the road to give a girl a rose and to tell her he loves her.

So you see Love is a unique feeling that no one can teach us about.

We can keep on teaching a child what sugar tastes like ..even letting him know how the sucrose structure is ..but without him tasting sugar..he will never know how sugar tastes like.

I can understand where the author Anusha Parthasarathy is getting ..cos you see we Indians always feel that one can only fall in love once and true love only comes once.

What is this all build up confidence before falling in love?

Is it some entrance exam that we sit and plan?

If we sit and plan for love that is NOT love at all.I wonder if the author had ever had a boyfriend or two or even been chased around by a couple of males professing their love for her!LOL

So you see planning for love is all Manangatti.

I always believe in the Caveman Theory in most things I do..even when it comes to food I go Caveman that is I asked myself "Did this food exists in its natural state or was it processed? Did Caveman have it? " If the answer is No then I wont eat that food.

So you see that way we can stay as natural as possible..avoiding processed food.

So same with love..no one taught a Caveman how to build confidence on how to fall or rise or plateau in love..he just knew what to do.

We humans are wired for continuation of species..Love is a feeling that makes us arrive at that and some nuts even call it divine!LOL

BTW as I said earlier..Love does not have to be only once in our live..falling in love each time feels like a first time and each time it feels like real...didnt Freddie Mercury sing 'I've fallen in Love..Fallen in love for the first time..and this time I know its for real"..so you see Freedie fell in love with 2 people ..the 1st was a female and second was a male.

Prasad ji..everyone comes to this world to learn things by himself..no one pre programmes us.

The Freedom of the Mind is what makes human life unique..I would never want to rob away the freedom of anyone to learn from trial and error.

If I could go behind time...I would never change anything cos every unpleasant and pleasant experience has shaped me till what I am today.

Pre programming anyone would just make them a bunch of crash test dummies.

We Indians need to realize that making mistakes in life does not spell the end of the world and mistakes make us realize our inner strength.

Mistakes builds confidence.

 

[sravna]

Dear Renuka,

Do you agree that kids need to be guided?Why do you think adults cannot be kids? After all a kid is someone who is largely ignorant. So even adults can benefit from someone's experience . It is not always learning by trial and error. You need to be smarter by assimilating others experience also.

 

[renuka]

Dear Renuka,

Do you agree that kids need to be guided?Why do you think adults cannot be kids? After all a kid is someone who is largely ignorant. So even adults can benefit from someone's experience . It is not always learning by trial and error. You need to be smarter by assimilating others experience also.

Dear Sravna,

Yes..kids need to be guided but no matter what they still learn from trial and error.

I will give you an example..when I was a kid and I did anything that I was not supposed to and something went wrong my mum would scold me saying "I told you so..next time listen to me "


Ok frankly I do not like the I TOLD YOU SO style of parenting.

Now when I am a mother and my son does something which I advised him not too and something goes wrong..I never tell him "I TOLD YOU SO" cos that ruins the confidence of a child cos we make him/her feel guilty.

All I tell my son is "Lets see what went wrong" and I let him tell me what happened and then I ask him "so do you feel that this did not bring about good consequences?"

If he says yes..that I tell him "Ok in future its best you avoid similar situation and if you are not sure ask me for help"

So you see that way..we do not instill guilt in a child and help build his EQ but that wee bit of error on his part would make him realize his mistake..once bitten twice shy.

As I had mentioned many times in Forum IQ is not a problem these days everyone is intelligent its the EQ that is going to help us face challenges..so little trials and errors is fine cos if we try to build a perfect world for a child they might not be able to face challenges in life and lose out and even might resort to Adharmic tactics to reach the top.

BTW I do not feel kids are largely ignorant..I have learned a lot from kids too.It is just that we tend to think academic education equals to knowledge.

In this world we can learn from anyone including the technically illiterate.

I have seen people who cant read even ABC but have faced challenges in life and survived at all odds..so wisdom does not always comes with a college degree.

Sravna..learning is a never ending process..we are never cease to learn..hence we are born again and again.

 

[krish44]

Dear Prasad ji,

I am not teaching anyone yaar..you see that song is just an example how falling in love feels..I have seen guys climb over cars too like in that song..go down on their knees on the middle of the road to give a girl a rose and to tell her he loves her.

So you see Love is a unique feeling that no one can teach us about.

We can keep on teaching a child what sugar tastes like ..even letting him know how the sucrose structure is ..but without him tasting sugar..he will never know how sugar tastes like.

I can understand where the author Anusha Parthasarathy is getting ..cos you see we Indians always feel that one can only fall in love once and true love only comes once.

What is this all build up confidence before falling in love?

Is it some entrance exam that we sit and plan?

If we sit and plan for love that is NOT love at all.I wonder if the author had ever had a boyfriend or two or even been chased around by a couple of males professing their love for her!LOL

So you see planning for love is all Manangatti.

I always believe in the Caveman Theory in most things I do..even when it comes to food I go Caveman that is I asked myself "Did this food exists in its natural state or was it processed? Did Caveman have it? " If the answer is No then I wont eat that food.

So you see that way we can stay as natural as possible..avoiding processed food.

So same with love..no one taught a Caveman how to build confidence on how to fall or rise or plateau in love..he just knew what to do.

We humans are wired for continuation of species..Love is a feeling that makes us arrive at that and some nuts even call it divine!LOL

BTW as I said earlier..Love does not have to be only once in our live..falling in love each time feels like a first time and each time it feels like real...didnt Freddie Mercury sing 'I've fallen in Love..Fallen in love for the first time..and this time I know its for real"..so you see Freedie fell in love with 2 people ..the 1st was a female and second was a male.

Prasad ji..everyone comes to this world to learn things by himself..no one pre programmes us.

The Freedom of the Mind is what makes human life unique..I would never want to rob away the freedom of anyone to learn from trial and error.

If I could go behind time...I would never change anything cos every unpleasant and pleasant experience has shaped me till what I am today.

Pre programming anyone would just make them a bunch of crash test dummies.

We Indians need to realize that making mistakes in life does not spell the end of the world and mistakes make us realize our inner strength.

Mistakes builds confidence.

Renukaji
I liked your post specially your view
planning for love is all Manangatti
freedom of the mind makes human life unique
pre programming would make humans crash test dummies
Honesty in your post makes it delightful reading
When shall our youngsters be made free to experience the freedom to like another person and go thru a process of trial and error with some joyfull and heart break moments . I have seen many youngsters shouting when their right to choose a mate is denied under the garb of caste or religion or rules of society. the freedom you are talking about will not appeal to our society.however appealing it is to me
keep up your posts . best wishes

 

[Vaagmi]

Dear Renuka,

I like your post #7 for the logical way the ideas have been presented. There is another side to the story too. Now let us see whether we can take a look at it:

I am not teaching anyone yaar..you see that song is just an example how falling in love feels..I have seen guys climb over cars too like in that song..go down on their knees on the middle of the road to give a girl a rose and to tell her he loves her.

I switched on the video clip and connected the headphone. Just the first line of that song was enough. I knew what more was coming. If in olden days it was “Tere pyar ka Asraa chaahta hoon, wafaa kar rahaa hoon wafaa maangtaa hoon: Tere shokku kadhmon mein taarein sajaake, tere narm balon mein kaliyaan sajaake thuje raath din poojna chaahtaa hoon, wafaa kar rahaa hoon wafaa maangtaa hoon etc..,,” it is this today. In movies and songs the subject love is always a hyperbole. And viewers enjoy it and ask for more of it. It is a dream factory and it creates a make believe world. I married the girl who is now wife after we fell in love. That was long back. In real life no one runs around the trees and sing a duet. If you have seen guys running over the roofs of limos and kneeling in the middle of traffic expressing their love, there is some thing seriously wrong with those fellows. You can tell a girl that you are in love in many subtle ways too.

So you see Love is a unique feeling that no one can teach us about.
We can keep on teaching a child what sugar tastes like ..even letting him know how the sucrose structure is ..but without him tasting sugar..he will never know how sugar tastes like.

There is nothing unique about being in love. It is a thing that happens to you just like your several other firsts. We teach a child only what the sugar tastes like by offering him a spoon of it after explaining to him the intricacies of taste buds and sucrose’s effect on them. But we just tell him that Folidol is poison for pests as well as for human beings. We do not offer a spoon of that to taste and realize for himself. In love too recklessness and succumbing to the restlessness/madness induced by harmones can spell disaster. A little bit of holding back is not out of place. When you give up completely to the emotions it should be a deliberate giving up and not a loss of control. I agree love can never be a clinically sanitized version. But helpless surrender is dangerous.

I can understand where the author Anusha Parthasarathy is getting ..cos you see we Indians always feel that one can only fall in love once and true love only comes once.

Indians, at least the TBs, these days do not believe filmy style that one can fall in love only once. But they still believe that you can lose yourself completely in love to someone only if you are going to live with him/her for the rest of your life. I believe that is a basic value. And that is really very beautiful as many like me who have married after falling in love will endorse.

What is this all build up confidence before falling in love?Is it some entrance exam that we sit and plan?If we sit and plan for love that is NOT love at all.I wonder if the author had ever had a boyfriend or two or even been chased around by a couple of males professing their love for her!LOL So you see planning for love is all Manangatti

Even though you have not said it, you sure will agree that there are a number of instantaneous calculations done in the mind before the love becomes really that. Untill then it is a long story of falling in and out of “love”. Only in one night stands no such calculation is involved except perhaps just one calculation.

I always believe in the Caveman Theory in most things I do..even when it comes to food I go Caveman that is I asked myself "Did this food exists in its natural state or was it processed? Did Caveman have it? " If the answer is No then I wont eat that food. So you see that way we can stay as natural as possible..avoiding processed food. So same with love..no one taught a Caveman how to build confidence on how to fall or rise or plateau in love..he just knew what to do.We humans are wired for continuation of species..Love is a feeling that makes us arrive at that and some nuts even call it divine!LOL

Cave man was half beast half man. He carried his club and hit hard on his competitors head to grab his girl. The competitor went to heaven and our man went into the cave with this girl. We have come far from that. Cave man ate raw flesh and learnt that cooking can make the flesh tasty only after one day when he in a reflex action took his fingers to his mouth after touching the hot carcass of an animal roasted in a forest fire. Caveman had no time for finer sentiments like love. That came with civilization and evolution.

BTW as I said earlier..Love does not have to be only once in our live..falling in love each time feels like a first time and each time it feels like real...didnt Freddie Mercury sing 'I've fallen in Love..Fallen in love for the first time..and this time I know its for real"..so you see Freedie fell in love with 2 people ..the 1st was a female and second was a male.

Love need not be happening only once. It can happen any number of times no doubt. When it happens too many times with too many persons there can be no institution called a family. You become a free bird flying around with no twig to rest on when you get tired of all that love and love making. That is pathetic.

Prasad ji..everyone comes to this world to learn things by himself..no one pre programmes us.The Freedom of the Mind is what makes human life unique..I would never want to rob away the freedom of anyone to learn from trial and error.

We learn from the society many things. No one invents the wheel every day all over again and again. Mind can fly away to any height as long as it is anchored to the “I”. If it carries the “I” too along with it, it is a sure prescription for disaster.

If I could go behind time...I would never change anything cos every unpleasant and pleasant experience has shaped me till what I am today.Pre programming anyone would just make them a bunch of crash test dummies.We Indians need to realize that making mistakes in life does not spell the end of the world and mistakes make us realize our inner strength.Mistakes builds confidence.

I agree and would add, no one will commit a mistake knowing it to be one if they can know in advance.
Just another way of looking at it. A long post needed a long reply. You can read it in several sessions if the span is short for you. LOL.

 

[krish44]

vaagmi ji Interesting rebuttal point by point
youngsters may not run around trees and sing filmy style while they are in love.
yet holding back and undertaking complex however instantaneous calculations and trying to be subtle are all actions of earlier generations who had to prepare for far worser consequences in the event of failure of relationship
one does not think of social consequences or failure of family system while falling in love.
youngsters should be like free birds to choose their mate without thinking of family,society or such things. they should not fear failure and let themself go to get what they genuinely want. family should keep away from convenient match making which suits their interests . society has no role at all prying into lives of individuals who has the right of choice as far as mate is concerned.Man has to be selfish .He has to both love himself and also free to choose whomso ever he wants . marriage or period of living together is mans personal choice. only he should decide.
all this warnings of disaster and clipping wings of youngsters to suit interests of older generation and denying freedom to youngsters is counter prroductive. Older family and societal structures are crumbling. youngsters will usher in a new order where freedom to choice will prevail, decadent family institutions based on caste and religion will be replaced by one based on liking between mates and living together in harmony with or without marriage

 

[renuka]

Answers in blue

Dear Renuka,


That was long back. In real life no one runs around the trees and sing a duet. If you have seen guys running over the roofs of limos and kneeling in the middle of traffic expressing their love, there is some thing seriously wrong with those fellows. You can tell a girl that you are in love in many subtle ways too.

Dear Vaagmi,

Believe me I have seen all these..some guys can be expressive..nothing wrong with them but just wanting to feel crazy that's all.Some have married their girlfriends and made the bests husband ever.



There is nothing unique about being in love.

Yup..agreed..Love has been around in various forms..no big deal.

But helpless surrender is dangerous.

There is slight difference between love and obsession.
In Love we surrender our heart but in obsession we surrender our mind.
As long our mind is in control of any situation we are not in any danger.



Indians, at least the TBs, these days do not believe filmy style that one can fall in love only once.

I think sometimes we under estimate our own selves.
After being a member in TB forum for many years I have read posts by members that the Sarak Sarak sound of the Madisar tied Saree of a TB woman when she walks makes a TB male's heart flutter..so Vaagmi Ji..I am sure Maamas have a wonderful imagination too!


But they still believe that you can lose yourself completely in love to someone only if you are going to live with him/her for the rest of your life.

I dont know to agree or not to agree cos I am talking about falling in love here and not living in or marriage.

Even though you have not said it, you sure will agree that there are a number of instantaneous calculations done in the mind before the love becomes really that. Untill then it is a long story of falling in and out of “love”. Only in one night stands no such calculation is involved except perhaps just one calculation.


Here again..hard to agree or disagree cos sometimes we calculate and sometimes we dont.It all depends on the individual.



Cave man was half beast half man. He carried his club and hit hard on his competitors head to grab his girl. The competitor went to heaven and our man went into the cave with this girl. We have come far from that. Cave man ate raw flesh and learnt that cooking can make the flesh tasty only after one day when he in a reflex action took his fingers to his mouth after touching the hot carcass of an animal roasted in a forest fire. Caveman had no time for finer sentiments like love. That came with civilization and evolution.

Long back..scientists thought that Dinosaurs were either brownish or grey or greenish but now the new theory says that they could have had even multicolored feathers and a slight fury coat.

So we dont know Caveman as we think we do..we have no idea..may be he was a Manmatha Rasa..God knows???



Love need not be happening only once. It can happen any number of times no doubt. When it happens too many times with too many persons there can be no institution called a family. You become a free bird flying around with no twig to rest on when you get tired of all that love and love making. That is pathetic.

As I said..I am not yet talking about marriage and family etc.Some are addicted to the initial endorphin high of a new love.
Some are players ..they play their cards well.
Do not confuse sexual relationships with love..sometimes 2 people might totally be in love but might not actually even think of sex but nevertheless they enjoy each others loving company.

Everyone has to stop somewhere when "market value" drops!LOL

So eventually everyone does retire at some age or right before they die.



We learn from the society many things. No one invents the wheel every day all over again and again. Mind can fly away to any height as long as it is anchored to the “I”. If it carries the “I” too along with it, it is a sure prescription for disaster.


I as in Ahamkara is always attached to the human mind..no escape unless we are Jeevanmukthas or in a morgue.


I agree and would add, no one will commit a mistake knowing it to be one if they can know in advance.

Beg to differ..sometimes some mistakes are part of our or anothers existence.

BTW some people are wired to have reckless behavior..they keep committing the same mistakes over and over again..they cant help it.

Just another way of looking at it. A long post needed a long reply. You can read it in several sessions if the span is short for you. LOL

A long post can broken down like what I did and replied part by part..so it feels short and sweet.

.

 

[sarang]

It is the duty of parents to teach and guide their children. The teachers too have been given the added responsibility - what is good/bad touch, attraction/ passion, love/ lnfatuation, indifference/ jealousy. Learn from mistakes is not recommended in any society.

 

[sravna]

. Learn from mistakes is not recommended in any society.

Especially when mistakes may really cost you

 

[renuka]

Learn from mistakes is not recommended in any society.

I cant help thinking of this quote I read sometime back:


“Show me a person who doesn’t make mistakes and I’ll show you a person who doesn’t do a damn thing.”
~ Unknown


Read more at Mistake Quotes and Sayings

 

[renuka]

You guys will love this..anyone wants to disagree??


“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi


Read more at Mistake Quotes and Sayings

 

[sravna]

You guys will love this..anyone wants to disagree??


“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

Renuka,

I would just like to add so it looks complete:

... and includes the freedom to make them again.

 

[renuka]

Renuka,

I would just like to add so it looks complete:

... and includes the freedom to make them again.

You are indeed Swami Mayananda Sarawati!

 

[mkrishna100]

In real life no one runs around the trees and sing a duet. If you have seen guys running over the roofs of limos and kneeling in the middle of traffic expressing their love, there is some thing seriously wrong with those fellows.

 

[krish44]

You are indeed Swami Mayananda Sarawati!

Rji
You are trying to teach a repressed community what is freedom. These people who have remained in bondage would like to deny freedom to experiment with love and life to next generation on some pretext or other. It is better to be a free bird than a caged TB

 

[Vaagmi]

Rji
You are trying to teach a repressed community what is freedom. These people who have remained in bondage would like to deny freedom to experiment with love and life to next generation on some pretext or other. It is better to be a free bird than a caged TB

There are two questionable presumptions here:

1. that TBs are a repressed community.

2. that TBs remain in some bondage and so deny to the next generation, the "freedom to experiment with love and life".

Both these points needs elaboration. Krish could you please help?

 

[sravna]

Rji
You are trying to teach a repressed community what is freedom. These people who have remained in bondage would like to deny freedom to experiment with love and life to next generation on some pretext or other. It is better to be a free bird than a caged TB

Dear Shri Krish,

I just feel you are saying what TB community is not and what a TB is not.

 

[Raji Ram]

A song to relax:

vENA machchA

 

[renuka]

Rji
You are trying to teach a repressed community what is freedom. These people who have remained in bondage would like to deny freedom to experiment with love and life to next generation on some pretext or other. It is better to be a free bird than a caged TB

Dear Krish ji,

I dont think any community is in bondage.

Some people just like to continue a set pattern of lifestyle which they feel would be the best for them....isn't choosing to be orthodox also a form of freedom?