invitatation to marriage by the eldest living member of the family

[ramjays2000]

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It is seen that the Tamil version of marriage invitation is always addressed by the eldest living member of the family. Is it compulsory? What is the significance and does it have any authority in any of our books which explains the modus opreandi of our rituals.

 

[kunjuppu]

ramj,

if it is your own wedding, it is once in a lifetime function, we hope. personally, to me, it was a means to an end, meaning, i did not give much emphasis to it.

here is what a young friend of mine did.

Deccan Herald - The big fat wedding

forget the pazhya pannaasu.. see what rags did; and try to beat it

 

[ramjays2000]

My question is not whether u give emphasis or not. Want to know the basis of this practice to get myself and others educated on this. It is only from pazhya pannasu, pudiya pannasu is developed! such forum help us to pass on the baton to youngsters with our tradition and culture by explaining them logically and sincerely to enable them to continue if it is indeed a good practice..

 

[kunjuppu]

ram,

thank you for your clarifying response. best wishes to getting an answer to quench your thirst. and if you are the lucky groom, best wishes to you and yours, for a contended and healthy married life.

 

[Servall]

Mr. Ramjays:

I am no expert in Hindu tradition to give an answer on this subject.

In the Hindu custom, as perhaps in many other customs, elders have always been revered with genuine love and respect. Through the ages we have been following many behaviours to reflect this; doing namaskarams, reciting abivadhaye, not calling them by names, not sitting in front of them, not speaking excessively or loud, not arguing or contradicting and seeking their advice on important matters and always looking for their blessings. Times may have changed but this is how we treated them and still do in many households. We have seen many movies wherein even if the youngster knows the elder is clearly in the wrong, he would still follow the advice knowing the ill-consequences. I am not subscribing it is right or wrong!!

Marriage was not an exception. All of us know that the marriages, especially in Hindu marriages, the marriage is not necessarily considered as the union of two individuals, rather of two families. By clearly stating the elder names, perhaps the circle of relatives and friends may come to know where the other party hails from, their leniage and so on.

I think this may be the main reason why the elders names are indicated. I would like to see if there are other reasons.

Cheers..

 

[ramjays2000]

Dear Mr Kunjuppu,
If some body asks any query, it does not mean it concerns them only. I was a lucky groom 47 years ago. There is no age bar for knowing any thing. I do understand the respect that is shown to the eldest member of the family by putting him ahead of others, say even as protocol, in such occasions for others to understand the lineage of the both the families whose wards r tying the nuptial knot. The issue is to know whether it has any collaborative reasons in our scriptures to follow this practice. This may be appealing to present day youngsters who r more reason and proof oriented.

 

[sangom]

Dear Mr Kunjuppu,
If some body asks any query, it does not mean it concerns them only. I was a lucky groom 47 years ago. There is no age bar for knowing any thing. I do understand the respect that is shown to the eldest member of the family by putting him ahead of others, say even as protocol, in such occasions for others to understand the lineage of the both the families whose wards r tying the nuptial knot. The issue is to know whether it has any collaborative reasons in our scriptures to follow this practice. This may be appealing to present day youngsters who r more reason and proof oriented.

Shri ramjays,

AFAIK, there is no scriptural authority for this. This practice of marriage invitations being drafted as if it is the eldest living male member of the family of either spouse, is a purely social custom. Sometimes it makes the identification of the person difficult.

Having said that I have come across invitations from the widowed mother (husband's family had completely neglected her and her children during their days of suffering), invitation from elder brother and manni since they did not get along with the (brother's) paternal elders, and even one case addressed jointly by the groom and bride themselves — all manjal patrikais, of course. It just requires the guts to break custom, I suppose.

 

[Nacchinarkiniyan]

This is a practice from the Joint family days. In a joint family the eldest living Male member is the head of the family. In legal (Income tax) terms the eldest living Male member is the Kartha (manager) of the Hindu Undivided Family unit. But this has been changed and now from 2005 a female member can become the Kartha.

Hindu Undivided Family - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[ramjays2000]

dear Naccinarkinayan,
your reasoning has a logic in it. The system joint family is obsolete now; but may be, v r continuing the convention followed earlier. The question that comes to my mind now is that garuda Puranam is the reference for the Asubha kariyangal. similarly what is the reference v should resort to for subha kariyangal.

 

[kunjuppu]

Dear Mr Kunjuppu,
If some body asks any query, it does not mean it concerns them only. I was a lucky groom 47 years ago. There is no age bar for knowing any thing. I do understand the respect that is shown to the eldest member of the family by putting him ahead of others, say even as protocol, in such occasions for others to understand the lineage of the both the families whose wards r tying the nuptial knot. The issue is to know whether it has any collaborative reasons in our scriptures to follow this practice. This may be appealing to present day youngsters who r more reason and proof oriented.

ram,

not sure i understand the tone of your reply.

you have now stated that the basis of your query is to educate the youths who might be curios about a thing like 'why we may want a marriage invitation in the name of the eldest male' and how much punniyams this would add up in the punniams savings account. ok?

personally, i give more credit to the youth of today, for one thing, they are more worldwise and knowing, than folks of my generation (i am 61) were ever in our teens or twenties. i cited to you kkraghave, as a prime and admirable example of today's youth - and apparently you were not interested in that example.

so be it.

i think the youth of today, has a little more sense, than to blindly follow tradition, because 'it is what was done by my grandfather', because in the context of today's morals and knowledge base, many (not all, mind you) practices of our grandfather, was based on bigotry, male chauvinism, money control and above all, scriptures written by that biggest criminal of all times, 'manu'.

you and i, dear ram, have eschewed many of the practices of our ancestors, because we find them intrinsically senseless in our today's world. just look at yourself, your grandpa, and count in a day's life, how much of practices are different. do you honestly think, that your great grandfather, if by chance comes to your household, can relate to your lifestyle.

so, too, it will be, will be with your great grandchildren, and yourself. that alone should be a sobering thought, and shun pursuing something like, why the male ego should be fanned with his name as the primary invitor of a marriage invitation.!

anyway thank you for your kind response.

 

[informed]

Having said that I have come across invitations from the widowed mother (husband's family had completely neglected her and her children during their days of suffering), invitation from elder brother and manni since they did not get along with the (brother's) paternal elders, and even one case addressed jointly by the groom and bride themselves — all manjal patrikais, of course. It just requires the guts to break custom, I suppose.

I don't understand how these are examples of guts. The signatory assumes symbolic responsibility for the function. If there is no elderly people, obviously someone else has to take that responsibility, theres no question of guts. Using elder's name as signatory is out of respect and means he is symbolically leading/organizing this function, though the actual arrangements and finance may be from others. Its surprising that this is so difficult for so many people to comprehend. Manjal pathirikai is closely tied to tradition, culture and religion, and there is nothing wrong in following the traditional way of using eldest as the invitor. If there are no elders or elders who don't care about this practice, or if its not a manjal pathirikai, we can do the way we want, we can even put our pet dog as signatory, who cares anyway.

 

[ramjays2000]

Dear Mr Kunjuppu,
No one sees the world exactly the same way as u see it.
U have your own unique perspective and so do every other person

Don't let your disagreement with others become an excuse for hatred or respect. Instead sincerely seek to learn from and to understand the opinions of others that differ from your perspective.
u can respect and understand others views with out agreeing or giving in. u can learn much more from those who disagree with u. Refusing to listen to others view is a sign of weakness and insecurity. How dreary and stagnant life would be if v r all the same. our greatest treasures come from the rich diversity of our opinions and perspectives. V all live our best when v agree to disagree with respect, understanding and cooperation.
God bless us all (from a 74 year old person)