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I am an iyer girl and can i marry an iyengar boy?

iyeraathuponnu

New member
Hello. I am an iyer girl from chennai. The guy I like is an iyengar. Though he is someone who strictly follows his home traditions, he isn't willing to get into a relationship now. As far as my parents are concerned, they don't have an issue with me marrying an iyengar. But I want to know how it is with the iyengars? Is it nearly impossible?
And well, we have 5 or 6 more years to go. It is just that I don't want to get my hopes up. Please help me. Thank you
 

prasad1

Well-known member
No one knows a family from outside.
We are iyers and two of my nephews married Iyyangar girls from very orthodox Iyyangar families.
They are successful marriages.

Then again I do not even understand your post.


You are putting the cart before the horse.
What is the relation between the two of you? Is it infatuation on your part? Does the boy know you exist? Does the boy know your intent?
What is this 5 or 6 years business? How old are you?
There are too many unknowns at this point.
You have to be honest and open to get an honest opinion.
 

Jaykay767

Well-known member
Iyer Iyengar relationship work well, have seen a few and it is sucessful.

First off, there is no need to get into any relationships, just be friends And get to know each other. Over time, you both will get to know the compatibility and it will develop into a relationship.

Second, it is always better to marry someone "you know" next to you, and from a good family rather than someone "you don't know".

Third, it is always better to marry within TBs, then the marriage becomes easier on both the people.

Fourth, give enough time, let the boy think through this and respond. In most of the cases, his orthodox parents will agree. They will be happy to see their boy marry within Tamil Brahmins rather than with someone outside.

All the best !! Just go for it, I am sure it will be successful.
 

iyeraathuponnu

New member
No one knows a family from outside.
We are iyers and two of my nephews married Iyyangar girls from very orthodox Iyyangar families.
They are successful marriages.

Then again I do not even understand your post.


You are putting the cart before the horse.
What is the relation between the two of you? Is it infatuation on your part? Does the boy know you exist? Does the boy know your intent?
What is this 5 or 6 years business? How old are you?
There are too many unknowns at this point.
You have to be honest and open to get an honest opinion.
Hello sir,

I'm 21 and he is 23. Yeah he knows me and he is a friend of mine who likes me back. Well, being rational minded and considering the importance of families I had to raise the question. Thank you!
 

iyeraathuponnu

New member
Iyer Iyengar relationship work well, have seen a few and it is sucessful.

First off, there is no need to get into any relationships, just be friends And get to know each other. Over time, you both will get to know the compatibility and it will develop into a relationship.

Second, it is always better to marry someone "you know" next to you, and from a good family rather than someone "you don't know".

Third, it is always better to marry within TBs, then the marriage becomes easier on both the people.

Fourth, give enough time, let the boy think through this and respond. In most of the cases, his orthodox parents will agree. They will be happy to see their boy marry within Tamil Brahmins rather than with someone outside.

All the best !! Just go for it, I am sure it will be successful.
Thank you. I felt the same too and I feel positive. He does too! :)
 

CHANDRU1849

Well-known member
There is a difference between Iyer boy marrying an Iyengar girl and vice versa.

The Iyengar girl may not find any difficulty with Iyer customs since it accepts Vaishnavite Gods also. Whereas it is not so in the case of Iyengar family. The customs are totally different and the Iyer girl may find it difficult to worship Shaivite Gods, let alone practice Iyer customs.

In my opinion, marrying an Iyengar boy is similar to marrying a boy from Abrahamic Religions.
 

iyeraathuponnu

New member
Well sir, I was aware of this fact earlier and it turns out that the person I like, he follows Shiva too. At least, he doesn't mind going to all the temples. Regarding to his parents, your point is totally right and they are the typical orthodox iyengars. Well I guess in this case, there should be a little bit of compromise, adjustment and understanding within both of us as it is a case of love. Well for I believe in even the things, people, the goodness surrounding us are God, accepting and following few traditions for my in-laws and my husband (hopefully) won't be a problem but I'd make sure it would never disrupt my ideologies
 
Last edited:

renuka

Well-known member
There is a difference between Iyer boy marrying an Iyengar girl and vice versa.

The Iyengar girl may not find any difficulty with Iyer customs since it accepts Vaishnavite Gods also. Whereas it is not so in the case of Iyengar family. The customs are totally different and the Iyer girl may find it difficult to worship Shaivite Gods, let alone practice Iyer customs.

In my opinion, marrying an Iyengar boy is similar to marrying a boy from Abrahamic Religions.
LOL! It cant be that bad.
Since both are Brahmins let the girl follow the Iyengar tradition.
I am sure Iyengars are NOT that orthodox anymore as to be having allergic reactions to Shiva that need hospitalization.

Brahmin and Brahmin marriage is Halal right?
 

renuka

Well-known member
Ok..
Hello sir,

I'm 21 and he is 23. Yeah he knows me and he is a friend of mine who likes me back. Well, being rational minded and considering the importance of families I had to raise the question. Thank you!

Ok get it...right now he is just a friend but not yet in a relationship.
That's like some grey area yet you talk about marriage..that means some feelings of LOVE has blossomed in your heart(that's good actually..cos only after love blooms we can start thinking of marriage).

If you are just a friend as in real 100% friend with no feelings of love then why the question?
If its just the budding stages of liking someone where we actually having feelings for someone but not gone into "I love you stage yet"..then take your time as you said 5-6 years BUT at the same time keep options open..cos if you keep waiting and he seems a bit reluctant to start a relationship ..make sure he likes you back feeling is not liking you as a friend but actually having feelings for you.

at the same time you say your parents dont mind Iyengar boy,thats shows you have sort of make some intent clear to you parents...so the Iyengar cant be 100% just a friend..surely there are some feelings...please make sure he has the same feelings too.

If he has the same feelings..then take it slow as you said..5-6 years. Keep it under wraps...dont tell even close friends cos in case it doesnt work out no word would have got around so you can always marry someone else.

If you are sure of his feelings and your feelings..tell him you want to visit his house as friend.
Then you can observe how his parents are.

In case they are nice and cool types and not over the top orthodox then you can take the next step.

Best of luck.
Stay safe and fall in LOVE!
 

prasad1

Well-known member
Hello sir,

I'm 21 and he is 23. Yeah he knows me and he is a friend of mine who likes me back. Well, being rational minded and considering the importance of families I had to raise the question. Thank you!
Thank you for the clarification.
As Renukaji suggested, you have to be sure of your feelings, then you need to know the feelings of your special friend.
You have to discuss the next steps and then only you have to worry about the Iyer-Iyyangar differences.

Generally, TB boys will not go against the family customs and traditions. Your friend might be an exception.

Best of luck.
 
Last edited:

gvram

Member
There is nothing wrong in marrying an iyengar boy if both of you can make adjustments in following different customs.Two of my relatives have married:
in one case iyer boy has married an iyengar girl and in the other case iyer girl has married an iyengar boy. They have children and they are happy and well-adjusted.
 

iyeraathuponnu

New member
Ok..



Ok get it...right now he is just a friend but not yet in a relationship.
That's like some grey area yet you talk about marriage..that means some feelings of LOVE has blossomed in your heart(that's good actually..cos only after love blooms we can start thinking of marriage).

If you are just a friend as in real 100% friend with no feelings of love then why the question?
If its just the budding stages of liking someone where we actually having feelings for someone but not gone into "I love you stage yet"..then take your time as you said 5-6 years BUT at the same time keep options open..cos if you keep waiting and he seems a bit reluctant to start a relationship ..make sure he likes you back feeling is not liking you as a friend but actually having feelings for you.

at the same time you say your parents dont mind Iyengar boy,thats shows you have sort of make some intent clear to you parents...so the Iyengar cant be 100% just a friend..surely there are some feelings...please make sure he has the same feelings too.

If he has the same feelings..then take it slow as you said..5-6 years. Keep it under wraps...dont tell even close friends cos in case it doesnt work out no word would have got around so you can always marry someone else.

If you are sure of his feelings and your feelings..tell him you want to visit his house as friend.
Then you can observe how his parents are.

In case they are nice and cool types and not over the top orthodox then you can take the next step.

Best of luck.
Stay safe and fall in LOVE!
He has told me he loves me verbally, and the other way he has proved it many times. He is very particular about not having flings and anything we blossom now should make through marriage. That is his prime idea. I have told my parents about my feelings way earlier in 2016 when I developed it for him. And they don't seem to have an issue with it and moreover, treat him like one already. He is special to them too. As we both are studying, but not in a college but in a professional course, CA; we feel any soon isn't the right time to decide those things. He has responsibilities in life (he has a sister) and I want to study more. So it would take approximately 5 years to even think of taking the next step. Anyway we feel positive because we are being with so much love, gratitude, affection and respect for each other for the past two and a half years. And the next 5 years can be a deal but that should still be strong! :)

His parents live out of city and hence it's kind of not possible to personally go see them. Though he suggest he'll let them know first, make them understand before taking me to them. He is totally not orthodox, so much like the present day guys. So I believe his parents would be accustomed to the same anyhow. On asking him he said "Amma appa lam ena vida jolly! But bayama dha iruku"
 

iyeraathuponnu

New member
Thank you for the clarification.
As Renukaji suggested, you have to be sure of your feelings, then you need to know the feelings of your special friend.
You have to discuss the next steps and then only you have to worry about the Iyer-Iyyangar differences.

Generally, TB boys will not go against the family customs and traditions. Your friend might be an exception.
Iyer-iyengar differences, possibly one matter to me the most. My father always wanted to see me getting married in a pakka iyer tradition, i.e, oonjal, 9 yards saree, sitting on dad's lap during the tying of mangal sutra etc. I have no idea about how it is in the iyengar tradition. I hopefully pray it is the same. They are my father's dream.
 

Jaykay767

Well-known member
Many valid points.

However we seniors need to strongly strongly encourage such Iyer - Iyengars marriages to preserve our community and identity !!

I am not being casteist (so pl don't get me wrong) but it is more to preserve 1000s of yrs of our heritage !!
 

krish44

Well-known member
I am better qualified than most here .I am a thengalai iyengar. My son and daughter have both married iyers.

They are not worse off in any way.

The first feeling is that our children have married brahmins only .It could have been inter caste or religion.

Since I have a liberal mindset ,I would not have bothered even if the matches were from non brahmin

communities.

What matters more is if the matches are well educated and in good jobs.

Any day I would prefer a person from a northern state as they would understand the local tongue and

culturally better suited to live in north india.

We have changed a lot in the last few decades and got totally mixed up with the local population that

that we have got rid off the baggage that has been left behind by our parents from deep south.

Ultimately every consoles himself that the match is an indian and not from another country or planet.Lol
 

krish44

Well-known member
My suggestion for the girl would be to first get to know iyengar boys parents.

Specially the boys mother- Most girls find it difficult to put up with mother in law.

If the family is traditional and ritualistic , it is the first red flag.

Also if the boy is attached to his parents,he might be at best neutral between the girl and his mother and not

be extra supportive. He may also turn out to be mommys boy after marriage leading the girl to regret the

marriage

Normally iyengars are a close knit community and they view with disfavour any intruder from other castes.

Acceptance of an iyer girl would mean a lot of sacrifice and adjustment from them and plainly not worth it.

Dating and falling in love is fine.But marriage is a different ball game.Living 24/7 under the same roof with the boy

and his parents if they are traditional can be a nightmare.

The girl needs to be very carefully evaluate the plus and minuses before jumping into marriage .

If in doubt better move on ,there is no shortage of good iyer boys . for every iyengar boy there are 3 or 4 iyer

boys available as iyengars are a small community with most related to one another in some way or other

No sense in getting into close communities.It might stifle the best
 

CHANDRU1849

Well-known member
If the girl is religious, she has to make lot of sacrifices when the boy is an Iyengar that too from Vadakalai Sect. Generally Vadakalais don’t compromise on religious traditions. They follow their customs very seriously.

It is better to go in for like minded communities, when religious practices are looked upon seriously.
 

CHANDRU1849

Well-known member
Many valid points.

However we seniors need to strongly strongly encourage such Iyer - Iyengars marriages to preserve our community and identity !!

I am not being casteist (so pl don't get me wrong) but it is more to preserve 1000s of yrs of our heritage !!
Generally it doesn’t work well. Marriage between Iyer girl - Iyengar boy (Vadakalai) should not be encouraged. The loser will be the Iyers. This must be explained to Iyer girls explicitly well in advance. It is nothing but conversion within the religion and caste.
 

CHANDRU1849

Well-known member
LOL! It cant be that bad.
Since both are Brahmins let the girl follow the Iyengar tradition.
I am sure Iyengars are NOT that orthodox anymore as to be having allergic reactions to Shiva that need hospitalization.

Brahmin and Brahmin marriage is Halal right?
If the girl is allowed to follow Iyengar tradition, it is nothing but conversion, which is equally bad.
 
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