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Enge Brahmanan Economically and Socially?

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kunjuppu

Well-known member
ravi,

Those friends of yours who desisted from trying out matrimony due to some bad advice, should be talked to. Personally, I think, we are all social creatures, and we are programmed to mate, be mated and have children. Children are the biggest gift for anyone, and in the context of a married household, the most beautiful thing to happen.

I do not know what made them reject marriage, but why don’t you take on the role of a chettiar and offer them the alternates of each life style, and step through the consequences of each decision.

There is no uniform formula for everyone, but we all have a certain common trait. Traditionally it starts off with jathagam, but to me that is just one way, and not the only or the right way. If you find ‘love’ you are a lucky guy. Love has many facets, I think, and over a period of time, moves on from infatuation to level headed evaluation of spending a lifetime with the opposite person.

We would be only human to have doubts, and we hope the courting period is the time to ascertain such, and make decisions one way or the other.

Take yourself: look at the amount of time you spend to prepare and get through exams. How much prep you do for job interviews. And… in just a previous post, we heard Pannvalan say, that for the most important job in our life, to fill us for the rest of our time on this earth, we go through the most perfunctory of investigation processes.

I cannot give you formulas or sets of rules, because to me, these do not grasp the essence of a relationship. Some people know they are for each other, soon after meeting. Others have doubts even after their marriage. But, I would imagine, if your gut says, that this girl and you would make a good couple, manage a household and build a happy home, that alone should be enough to plunge into the sea of samsaram.

In an arranged environment, I think, the couple should demand more time, than a coffee out in a restaurant. How much of a time, I cannot tell, but it should be sufficient, for each other to dispel doubts about the other. I think our society is increasingly moving away from ‘on the second decision’ based on ponn paarkkal alone, which was the norm during my time, and before that.

Approach any relationship, arranged or otherwise, with caution, eyes open, and always keep the back door open, before committing to the marriage ceremony. That should be caution enough.

Best of luck in your hunting :)
 

C RAVI

Well-known member
Sangom,

Why do you discourage or frighten our bachelor friend Ravi? Let him get married and let us heartily wish he gets a good and loving life-partner, so that his married life will be one of the success stories.

Thank you so much Sri Pannvalan ji....
 

ganeshrev

Active member
Revathi,

I agree with you, A real instance I wish to quote here..
......

Yes Shri Pannvalan, this also is common, the reverse is also true.
(My colleague, a computer engineer - a Kerala Nair , was harassed by her husband - She was taken to a dentist on the week one of their stay in US and pulled 4 front teeth and replaced with artificial ones - telling they were big.To state the fact, her teeth were so good,that the dentists in Bangalore will call his juniors to show an example of well maintained teeth whenever she goes for a check up -Also she was harassed in so many ways that that I cannot say here- She is divorced now.In her case , her parents compelled her to marry him - he is Anna University BE , US educated, Fortune 100 Employee but she was reluctant and she obeyed her parents like any other Indian Naari)

I feel the parents today - they should educate the wards (girls/boys) on the reality of life.Bookish knowledge and academic and corporate achievements seem to have failed in this respect, IMHO

Namaskarams
Revathi
 

C RAVI

Well-known member
Sorry Shri Pannvalan ji,

I forgot that aspect. I request Shri Ravi to condone my indiscretion, pl. (Anyway, I do not think Shri Ravi is so naive as to plan his life based on what appears in a website:))

Sri Sangom ji,

I am enjoying reading every one's post here and that of yours in the context referred above, I have nothing to condone. Yes you are absolutely right. I am not so naive to plan my life based on website stories. I myself had come to know many such real life stories in the circle surrounding me, that all I have witnessed.

If I and the girl feel each other deserving to be a spouse to each other, I will for sure go for a marriage... :).BUT if after marriage something gets troubled, I will for sure seek guidance from all the members of this Forum, if at all I find myself pondering - "AVA THAANAA IVA....ENNALAY MUDIYALA"...lolzzz...May be the girl would require the same on the same grounds...lol...

 
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ganeshrev

Active member

Smt. Revathi ji,

I really could not understand as how and why many of those guys could not even give a thought towards marrying the kind of girls that you have highlighted above? May be, I think, these are the guys who all are enticed by the vibrant appeal, highly confident, actively socializing, dare to do and few other special attributes of the ladies in their work place and social circle. And motivated by their set of friends to discard a homely girl labeling them as "ammami", "pattikaadu", "arai vekaadu", "asadu" etc..etc..
......



True Shri Ravi.We humans, particularly Indians, seem to be living for "nalu Peru" and afraid of nalu Peru Enna Solva.In this case, the nalu Peru seem to be the current friends.

Thanks
Revathi
 

C RAVI

Well-known member
ravi,

Those friends of yours who desisted from trying out matrimony due to some bad advice, should be talked to. Personally, I think, we are all social creatures, and we are programmed to mate, be mated and have children. Children are the biggest gift for anyone, and in the context of a married household, the most beautiful thing to happen.

I do not know what made them reject marriage, but why don’t you take on the role of a chettiar and offer them the alternates of each life style, and step through the consequences of each decision.

There is no uniform formula for everyone, but we all have a certain common trait. Traditionally it starts off with jathagam, but to me that is just one way, and not the only or the right way. If you find ‘love’ you are a lucky guy. Love has many facets, I think, and over a period of time, moves on from infatuation to level headed evaluation of spending a lifetime with the opposite person.

We would be only human to have doubts, and we hope the courting period is the time to ascertain such, and make decisions one way or the other.

Take yourself: look at the amount of time you spend to prepare and get through exams. How much prep you do for job interviews. And… in just a previous post, we heard Pannvalan say, that for the most important job in our life, to fill us for the rest of our time on this earth, we go through the most perfunctory of investigation processes.

I cannot give you formulas or sets of rules, because to me, these do not grasp the essence of a relationship. Some people know they are for each other, soon after meeting. Others have doubts even after their marriage. But, I would imagine, if your gut says, that this girl and you would make a good couple, manage a household and build a happy home, that alone should be enough to plunge into the sea of samsaram.

In an arranged environment, I think, the couple should demand more time, than a coffee out in a restaurant. How much of a time, I cannot tell, but it should be sufficient, for each other to dispel doubts about the other. I think our society is increasingly moving away from ‘on the second decision’ based on ponn paarkkal alone, which was the norm during my time, and before that.

Approach any relationship, arranged or otherwise, with caution, eyes open, and always keep the back door open, before committing to the marriage ceremony. That should be caution enough.

Best of luck in your hunting :)

Thank you very much for your suggestions/guidance/tips and best wishes, Sri Kunjuppu ji... :)
 

sangom

Well-known member
Yes Shri Pannvalan, this also is common, the reverse is also true.
(My colleague, a computer engineer - a Kerala Nair , was harassed by her husband - She was taken to a dentist on the week one of their stay in US and pulled 4 front teeth and replaced with artificial ones - telling they were big.To state the fact, her teeth were so good,that the dentists in Bangalore will call his juniors to show an example of well maintained teeth whenever she goes for a check up -Also she was harassed in so many ways that that I cannot say here- She is divorced now.In her case , her parents compelled her to marry him - he is Anna University BE , US educated, Fortune 100 Employee but she was reluctant and she obeyed her parents like any other Indian Naari)

I feel the parents today - they should educate the wards (girls/boys) on the reality of life.Bookish knowledge and academic and corporate achievements seem to have failed in this respect, IMHO

Namaskarams
Revathi
Smt. Revathi,

The male domination is very much there in almost all non-brahmin communities, both in Kerala and TN. Perhaps North India also, I do not know the present situation.

Among the Nairs of Kerala, side by side with the male domination, remarriages of divorced girls (with one or two children even) is not looked down upon. These customs are not late entrants. I think they are the changed forms of the original "marumakkattaayam" (matrilinear inheritance system). Under that system, the woman had choice of selecting and changing her mate as and when she wished without having to give any reason. The children were looked after by her parents and later by her brother/s. This has now incorporated the custom of parents selecting the boy but divorce is not a black mark for the girl at all. Hence there is a lot of difference between the tambrams and Nairs when it comes to such issues.
 

ganeshrev

Active member
Among the Nairs of Kerala, side by side with the male domination, remarriages of divorced girls (with one or two children even) is not looked down upon. These customs are not late entrants.

Yes , once her parents know of her state in US, they gave full support to her.

But her brother who is around 33 , is finding it difficult to get a girl because of the stigma (divorcee) attached to his sister!.He is in Dubai earning well.

Her parents have also initiated steps for her second marriage and till today they are unsuccessful.(Her Ex-husband in US re-married happily to an american)

Namaskarams
Revathi
 
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kunjuppu

Well-known member
Yes , once her parents know of her state in US, they gave full support to her.

But her brother who is around 33 , is finding it difficult to get a girl because of the stigma (divorcee) attached to his sister!.He is in Dubai earning well.

Her parents have also initiated steps for her second marriage and till today they are unsuccessful.(The boy is US married happily to an american)

Namaskarams
Revathi

i think the nairs are getting unfortunately into the male dominated bourgeois attitudes.

a very dear friend of us, a nair girl, about 34 years ago, a very young, with a baby daughter, lost her husband due to electrocution. within a couple of years, the parents found another nair youth, who was never married before, and who took care of the baby girl as his own. the girl is now married and has children of her own. in her new marriage she had a boy, who recently celebrated his own marriage.

we used to have a servant who used to say a long time ago, it was their custom that the boys' side came asking for the girls and wedding expenses were borne by them. but with increased education and upward mobility, the situation appeared to have reversed against the girls' favour.
 
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