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Laugh daily

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Here are a few quotes that I found were funny.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." - Woody Allen.
What's another word for thesaurus?" Steven Wright
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" - Steven Wright.
 
Do not make laughing in your daily appointment schedule. Laugh always whenever you have opportunity or occasion or cause. A wood-cutter's wife drowned in the river flowing down by. The wood-cutter started crying and moaning. He prayed to his 'familiar' god to give him his wife back without whom he might not live a life. God obliged and materialized a beautiful apsarus, and asked the wood-cutter is she your wife? The wood-cutter said indeed she was. Statled, God asked him why he had become dishonest. Wood-cutter said, if he did not say yes, God would bring out another beautiful woman and again his original wife. Next he would ask me to keep all the 3 women. That is why. God disappeared to collect his wits!
 
Mr. Iyyarooran, that is a great joke. I laugh frequently and will continue to do so with people like you contributing here. :loco:
 
An American is walking down the street when he sees a African with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the African’s ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The African grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
 
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself,
"Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "80."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in Pakistan these days?"
 
Here are a few husband and wife jokes:
Husband is like a split AC: He makes loud noise outside, but inside he is quiet.
Husband is the head of the family, but wife is the neck; he turns whichever way she wants him to.
A man in hell tells devil he wants to speak to his wife. Devil allows him to. After talking he asks the devil how much is the charge. The devil says: Hell to hell is free.
Battered husband: wife is the knife that cuts life.
Husband: I have not spoken to my wife in 20 years. I am waiting for her to stop.
Husband and wife go to a zoo. Husband gets excited when he sees monkeys. Wife asks, 'are you happy to see your relatives?' Husband says, 'yes my in-laws'.
 
Continuing with H&W , here is one more good one:
Once upon a time........... A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple!" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We Visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'." "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'that's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. "I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was shouting; she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'............... And we lived happily? Ever after."
 
INTERVIEW AT ITS BEST…….



Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.


Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – Baban Rao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. .It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra ) through some relative ..

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform . Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly..

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality' ,'versioncontrol ','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. ..:)) We look forward to working with you.. Welcome!!!
 
Manohar, After reading the interview joke I was reminded of this one: a fellow was being interviewed and after it ended he was given the job, but be refused to accept. The reason he gave was: How can I work in an organisation that employs a person like me?
 
A Sardarji saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"
The priest laughed, "Because, my son, I am a Father!"
The Sardarji scratched his head. "But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!"
Again the priest laughed. "But I am a Father of thousands!"
To which the Sardarji replied, "Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!"
 
A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland.
So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"
 
The Pakistanis were entrenched on the front opposite the Indians during one of the battles ..
As hard as they tried, the Indians couldn't hit any of the Polish soldiers because they kept
low in the ditches. Finally one of the Indian Soldier hit upon an idea. "Hey Akbar, is that you?"
he yelled at the Pakistan trench.
Akbar i stood up in his trench and said, "Yeah, it's me!" and was immediately shot by the Indians.
The Paki soldiers pondered this over and decided that it was a good idea. "Is that you, Ram?"
one of the Paki soldiers yelled to the Indian trench.
"Yeah, it's me Ram," replied one of the Indian soldiers, and continued” Why don't you come over here?
OK, I'm coming...."
Bang!
 
KILLER ENGLISH
------
Principal to student... : " Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father (Any other options???)
* * *
Class teacher once said : "Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!" (Who??? paper or student???)
* * *
Once Hindi teacher said...."I'm going out of the world to America..."
(hmmm...interesting)
* * *
"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK..."
(Topsyturvy)
====
 
An SSLC aspirant told his friend: I tied my examination fee in front of the due date!
A PT teacher ordered all his students to stand in straight circle!
 
A Maths teacher cannot speak good english . He had sent out soem of his students outside for talking in the class. After some time he calls them inside like this:

"Outstanding boys, understanding the tree, Income Income"...

Cheers.

A lawyer was on a boat in shark-infested waters when he fell overboard.
At once two sharks lifted him on their backs and carried him to shore.
When he was asked why, he replied, "Professional courtesy."


A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"


 
Here are some headlines which appeared in newspapers in the US.
1) Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says (Sherlock Holmes!)
2) Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers (!!!)
3) Panda mating fails: vet takes over (hee hee hee)
4) Miners refuse to work after death (shirkers)
5) Juvenile court to try shooting defendant (Great)
6) War dims hope for peace (my, my)
7) If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last awhile (thanks for the insight)
8) Cold wave linked to temperatures. (I never though of that)
(Believe me they are not concocted and even if so, I must be a genius for doing that and should actually take credit for that instead of saying they are real. There are some more coming)
 
Not many people realize that heaven and hell are directly adjacent to one another, and once upon a time there was nothing separating them. People would sneak across the border from hell into heaven and cause all sorts of mischief there.


One day God and the Devil god got together and agreed that this situation was bad for both of them.
God offered to build a fence between heaven and hell if the Devil would take turns with Him repairing it when repairs were needed.


After a few eons, the fence fell into disrepair and, just to show He was a good sport, God took the first turn and repaired it, as good as new.


A few eons later, the fence fell into disrepair again. God rang up the Devil and reminded him that it was his turn to fix the fence.
"Very well," said the Devil, but nothing happened. A few weeks later, God noticed that nothing had been done about the fence and he called up the Devil again, rather annoyed. "Look," He said, "It's your turn to fix the fence but you haven't done anything. I expect you to repair it right away.
" "Very well," said the Devil again, and again he did nothing.

A few more weeks went by and now God was really pissed. He called up the Devil and said, "I've reminded you twice but you're still not holding up your end of our bargain. If you don't fix that fence immediately I'm going to sue you!"

And the Devil answered, "Oh, yeah? Where are you gonna get a lawyer?
 
No Offence meant against Lawyers...but still for the sake of fun enjoy the following one liners:

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in 300,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their necks in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A rooster clucks defiance.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
 
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